Loosing my Son

[Guest angellight]

I have an 11 yr old son who lives with his grandmother. She is my ex's mother, no relation to me. My current husband & I separated & I moved in with my sons grandmother as her husband had just left her. Well, my son has always been very close to his grandmother. I found out I was pregnant & after some thought I decided to go back to my husband to try & make this work. My sons grandmother asked if he could stay with her to finish out that school year & that would give my husband, my son's step-dad, a chance to iron out the wrinkles. My son liked the idea, I was a little uneasy about it but I agreed. Here it is a year later & my son doesn't want to come back. I told his grandmother that summer I was coming to get him & she told me I'd mess him up. My son has been through so much because of my bad judgement. I was 16 when I had him, I am now about to be 29. My husband & I still have a few problems but things are much, much better. I miss my boy terribly & thought I was doing what was right for him at that time. My son has opened up & made friends. His once non-existent personality is blossoming. He's happy where he is but I'm dying because I can't have him. I mean I can but that would mean I'd have to make him come home against his will. He's already angry with me. I do not want him resenting me anymore than he already does. I have him almost every weekend but it's not enough for me. Am I being selfish? Should I just leave him with his grandmother since he's happy? What if I brought him home & he stayed angry? I'm so scared but I miss him so bad. I can't stand the thought of him growing up & not thinking of me as his mother. It's all my fault. I just want what's best for him. He's been though so much & he's finally happy. I try not to get selfish & just snatch him back home but it gets very hard. I hope someone can help me with this. Thanks so much! This has been such a mind & heart battle & I'm tired of just not knowing what to do....

[darkest_red]

I see this kind of thing at work a lot.

I would say that if he is happy where he is and doesn't want to be moved, it's best you don't move him. It'll be unsettling and also (as I think you said), he may end up resenting you for it. I can't imagine how hard it is for you so I wont pretend to. See him as often as you can and he may decide he wants to go back to you. If not, at least you do get to see him still. Lots of parents don't even get that for whatever reason.

As I don't know what you're going through, this may not be any help whatsoever, I'm just giving my opinion based on similar cases I've seen at work. Sorry if this doesn't help.

[Avodah]

My son lived with his grandmother (my ex's mom) when he was 14 and never came back home. He was very happy so I let him stay and didn't rock the boat. The only thing I have noticed, and it may not end up the same with you depending on how you do things, is we are not so close. I didn't get him weekends because he lived to far away, but I did visit when I could.

I missed him terribly but he never wanted to come back home. If I were in the same situation again I probably wouldn't have let him go. However, I did believe I was doing the right thing.

I will pray with you and for you and that the Lord would give you wisdom in this situation.

P.S I do know how you feel.

Blessings from the Father,

Kimberley

[dwinkjr]

  I have an 11 yr old son who lives with his grandmother. She is my ex's mother, no relation to me. My current husband & I separated & I moved in with my sons grandmother as her husband had just left her. Well, my son has always been very close to his grandmother. I found out I was pregnant & after some thought I decided to go back to my husband to try & make this work. My sons grandmother asked if he could stay with her to finish out that school year & that would give my husband, my son's step-dad, a chance to iron out the wrinkles. My son liked the idea, I was a little uneasy about it but I agreed. Here it is a year later & my son doesn't want to come back. I told his grandmother that summer I was coming to get him & she told me I'd mess him up. My son has been through so much because of my bad judgement. I was 16 when I had him, I am now about to be 29. My husband & I still have a few problems but things are much, much better. I miss my boy terribly & thought I was doing what was right for him at that time. My son has opened up & made friends. His once non-existent personality is blossoming. He's happy where he is but I'm dying because I can't have him. I mean I can but that would mean I'd have to make him come home against his will. He's already angry with me. I do not want him resenting me anymore than he already does. I have him almost every weekend but it's not enough for me. Am I being selfish? Should I just leave him with his grandmother since he's happy? What if I brought him home & he stayed angry? I'm so scared but I miss him so bad. I can't stand the thought of him growing up & not thinking of me as his mother. It's all my fault. I just want what's best for him. He's been though so much & he's finally happy. I try not to get selfish & just snatch him back home but it gets very hard. I hope someone can help me with this. Thanks so much! This has been such a mind & heart battle & I'm tired of just not knowing what to do....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Ok I would like to address a couple of things here if you don't mind. First do you know the Saviour? If you were to die right now can you say for certain where you would go?

Second, your husband is not the boys father, have they ever had a close parental type relationship? Are the problems you and your husband have ones that could affect your sons life? How about the baby? could this be part of why your son does not want to come home?

Is the boys Grandmother saved? Will she teach your son about Christ and also the values you would want your son to have?

Now pending the answers to these questions. He is young what he wants and what may be best for him can be two totally different things. You are the parent he is the child, if you want what is best for him, then you do what is best for him even if it goes against what he wants.

God Bless,

Dave

[Shelby]

Angellight,

You are a hurting soul, and no doubt God knows your true heart. I would say all that you said in your original post to your son. Sit him down this weekend, just you two go out for lunch or something, and tell him, that it is hard for you, and you love him and want him to be happy, but you wanted to let him make the decision. You will respect it, but you HAVE to let him know he is still wanted. I think it will help him, and it will help you two to have a deeper connection. Even if he doesn't come home, he will know that you do miss him, and desire him to be with you. That will make any kid feel better. But respect his decision. Explain that you know you have made some critcal decisions that have affected him, and then listen to how he feels about it all.

GBU

[Nicks Girl]

I can only imagine how hard it would be to have your son away from you living with someone else. However, if he was happy there I would leave him. You could slowly start rebuilding your relationship with him over time, but moving him would probably just make him resent you. Just try to see him as much as you can, and let him know you care about him.

I also want to second all the questions Dave asked.

God Bless.

[Guest angellight]

[dwinkjr]

I know of the Lord but no, if I were to die right now, I don't know where I'd go.

I would suggest your first priority then be to get right with the Lord, for He can help to reconcile these matters for you.

You see we are all sinners, (Rom 3:10 as it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one)

Jesus Christ was the only Sinless(righteous) man to ever walk this earth. He is God in the flesh. He being sinless took on our sin and bore the penalty of death for us so that we may have eternal life.

Joh 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on him should not perish, but have eternal life.

before reading any further I pray you will accept Christ as your saviour, pray to God now, let him know you confess you are a sinner and that you can do nothing to save yourself, and thank you thank Him for sending His Son to die on the cross for your sins. Through Christ Jesus we are made whole, we are promised eternal life in Glory with God. Believe on him and accept this most precious and important gift.

For more information on this please click here

Yes, his grandmother knows God & she does more for my son in that manner than I did. Yes, she teaches him good values.

But has she led him to Christ? Knowing and believing are two different things sister. It sounds like being there is not detrimental to him, but my first thoughts still stand, this child should be with his mother.

No, my husband & son have not been close.

I would suggest you work on building that relationship. When you spend the weekends with your son, include your husband, do things that encourage bonding between the 2 of them.

BTW.. Where is your sons father in all this?

My oldest son loves his baby brother

And yet he has no desire to live with you and be a role model to his younger brother? Talk with him tell him you miss him and want him with you and also mention that the baby could use a big brother like him around more then he is now.

but can't stand my daughter, middle child, she's hard to deal with.

We all have our moments, what makes her so hard to deal with? Is she his half or full sister? I think there is need for alot of healing with in your family at this point. I think that healing starts with Christ, Seek Him and share the Gospel with the rest of your family.

God Bless,

Dave

P.S. I donot mean to embarass you, but we will all pray for your acceptance of the greatest gift, in Salvation through Christ Jesus. Please let us know how things work out.

[Guest angellight]

I understand that knowing and believing are two different things, none of us are walking with the Lord the way we need to be. I have told my son how I feel but he doesn't want to come back. he's scared. His sister is his 1/2 sister and she has a disorder called Oppositional Defiant Disorder & she is Defiant & deliberate. She's very aggravating to many. I try the best I can with her but she's VERY strong willed. I've told my son his little brother needs him & he'll look up to him but it doesn't change my son's mind. My husband has a hard time getting close to anyone & I try to work on that with them but it's not easy. We're all a mess. I'm so tired of it all. I just want to be normal & have happy kids & family. I've never had that nor has my husband. We both come from drug & alcohol addicted parents, physical abuse was the norm. Now we're left trying to sort it all out & do better than our parents but it's not working. I've been baptised & was close to God at one point but it all got lost somehow & I can't feel Him the way I did then. I made some bad choices & chose not to listen & he left me. I feel like such a failure & I feel like a terrible mother. All this anger is rampant in our home. Things have improved but there's always that chance of things getting out of hand at any time...... My oldest son's father lives by me but hasn't been a part of his life much at all. My son is not close to his father and only sees him on holidays & Birthdays.

[Shelby]

I understand that knowing and believing are two different things, none of us are walking with the Lord the way we need to be. I have told my son how I feel but he doesn't want to come back. he's scared. His sister is his 1/2 sister and she has a disorder called Oppositional Defiant Disorder & she is Defiant & deliberate. She's very aggravating to many. I try the best I can with her but she's VERY strong willed. I've told my son his little brother needs him & he'll look up to him but it doesn't change my son's mind. My husband has a hard time getting close to anyone & I try to work on that with them but it's not easy. We're all a mess. I'm so tired of it all. I just want to be normal & have happy kids & family. I've never had that nor has my husband. We both come from drug & alcohol addicted parents, physical abuse was the norm. Now we're left trying to sort it all out & do better than our parents but it's not working. I've been baptised & was close to God at one point but it all got lost somehow & I can't feel Him the way I did then. I made some bad choices & chose not to listen & he left me. I feel like such a failure & I feel like a terrible mother. All this anger is rampant in our home. Things have improved but there's always that chance of things getting out of hand at any time...... My oldest son's father lives by me but hasn't been a part of his life much at all. My son is not close to his father and only sees him on holidays & Birthdays. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Well Angel a couple things. You ARE doing a good job. You are working with what has been given to you. Your son has made a choice, and it is the best choice for him. Your younger son will understand, he won't think it is strange unless he is told it is. Your daughter has some special needs, so you do need to focus on her, and your older son needs attention too, so he has found it. Do take it so personally.

He, God, has never left you, you just let go of his hand. I challenge you to read the footprints poem. It could really explain to you what God's role really is. He doesn't leve we turn our backs and lose faith.

Don't get down on yourself, I had a rough upbringing, but we don't have to be defined by our upbringing. Your husband isn't used to getting in touch with emotions and bonding, but you can create those moments, just going together to a sporting activity, playing a family game, it really is the small things that matter.

Don't judge yourself so harshly. God is waiting for you to let go of your self anger and hatred, and trust him to iron the rough spots, or to just guide you through them with less bumps and bruises. It may not seem like it, but no family is "normal".

GBU