Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hello, I am new to this forum and am seeking some advise. I have been married for 28 yrs. I rededicated my life to the Lord about 3 1/2 yrs ago. My husband is not following the Lord and has no interest. Back when we first got married my husband cheated on me. I never suspected but found out about 10 yrs ago, it was a very difficult time in our marriage but we got through it and we have had good marriage since and have not ever suspected him of cheating ever. We do have ups and downs but for the most part it has been good other than he puts down my faith a lot because he blames God for a lot of stuff in his life, medical issues.

Anyways to the problem, my husband works from and and is also an avid dirt bike rider. He rides with a lot of different groups. About 2 years ago he started riding with a few guys and from this he has met a lot more riders that these guys know. About 2 weeks ago he was put into contact with a  female friend rider of one of these guys, through messenger on facebook, so basically a conversation was set up, she needed advise on her bike and my husband has worked on some of these other guys stuff in the past. My husband and I share a facebook page so I see everything they are saying to each other. I had no problem with this. She immediately sent a friend request, which I thought was weird because we (he) doesnt even know her, just because you have a conversation with someone doesn't mean you need to be friends on facebook, anyways the request sat in the notifications for a few day until I deleted it. My husband became angry with me saying that was a slap in the face to her and why I would do that, I said I didn't see any reason to accept it since we don't know her. I don't know if he was so mad because he claims she can see it was deleted or if it's because he knows most of the guys she does. So they discussed her bringing her bike over for him to work on, she asked if she could help and my husband said no because he had other jobs to do, so she ended up saying she could probably do it herself and they spent the next week corresponding basically her asking questions and him helping her through this repair. Well then after she did this she needed something else adj. she was talking to him about this but my husband said it's too hard to just walk someone through, so he gave her our number so she could arrange to bring it. She called and during the conversation it was evident she wanted to know how to do this so my husband said he would show her how to do it. It will probably take 45 min . So I became upset that he would actually work on the bike with her, I didn't understand this as shops don't show their customers how to repair their bikes. He said that he will show her and she wont have to bring the bike here again.

My biggest concern is now that they "know" each other, she is going to start riding in his group when they go riding, he insists that wouldn't happen but I find that very hard to believe since every single guy he has ridden with knows her well and rides with her all the time. He says it has never happened over the last couple of years, I explained maybe either luck or that since she didn't "know" you she didn't go. Her boyfriend is someone my husband has ridden with as well. I just feel very uncomfortable about that having females in the group however I don't want to seem like a jealous person and make a big deal out nothing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anything wrong with married men associated with unmarried women in groups? I just know that I would not feel comfortable doing it. He just never rarely "shows" people how to fix their bike, I'm not saying he never has but it's rare, I don't know if most people just don't want to and she does or what. 

Please any advise would be great

  • Thumbs Up 1
  • Praying for You! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@worriedwife69   Hello, and welcome!   

I've been married for over 30 years and fortunately my wife and I had been Christians for years before getting married.   That saved us some problems, but the reality is that keeping a marriage relationship strong and healthy over decades is something that has to be worked on.  We definitely had our ups and downs in spite of being serious Christians, having solid family support, and having a good network of Christian friends around us.  We had everything going for us and it still takes work.

Different people view FB differently.  Some reserve connections for friends and family.  Others (including myself) will accept connections from acquaintances or people I've just met.  With regard to the other interactions between this woman and your husband, I don't know enough to have a sense of a problem or not with regard to an inappropriate relationship.  But, I do have the sense that this situation may be revealing a deeper problem of some type.

What's hard sometimes in life is to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.  It's easy to let our lives become all about the current situations we find ourselves in.   In the big picture of your lives,  a part of this is that God is working on your husband to come to know Him and for you to grow spiritually.   This is one situation (of many) that God will use to work in both of your lives.  Sometimes it is not the resolution of a situation that matters, but what can change inside of us due to the situation. 

When we run into situations that are challenging, they often reveal things about us.  I've heard a nice analogy that tough situations are like when a gold smith puts gold ore into a smelter, it melts the gold, the impurities are revealed, float to the top as dross, and can be removed.  I think that God does much the same thing as the various situations in life occur.  One thing to consider in this situation is this, is God using it to bring something to the surface that He wants to heal inside of you?

For example, a year or so ago, my wife and adult daughter living with us decided to become vegans.  Christmas dinner was stir fried vegetables, some sort of buns, and chick-pea burgers (that were somewhat like stuffing).  The last time I had meat was a month or two ago visiting one of our daughters.  I cannot recall the last time I had an egg.  Most of the time, it's a ho-hum matter for me though at times I do get annoyed over the way they ooh and ahh over the latest veggie something or another.   But on occasions, I get very angry thinking about it (or maybe that's just an occasional craving for a bacon cheeseburger or a friday night fish fry :) ).   My sense is that this is not so much about the meat, but rather some sort of dynamic in our marriage that I'm not dealing with well and occasionally gets triggered when I think about a steak, or pork chop, or bacon...  I'm still not sure what it is, but being aware that there's something there, I'm not going to turn it into a fight over what is for supper.

Anyway, this situation might be something serious as-is that needs to be dealt with in some way, or perhaps it is just triggering something inside you that God would like to heal and work through.

  • Thumbs Up 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello @worriedwife69  :th_wave:

Although I'm not married anymore, I did read your post from a female point of view. First off, I want for you to know that you are not the only person to have an unbelieving spouse. A good friend of mine is married and her hubby didn't believe either for a time. She prayed for him continually for a period of 10 years, and he did finally receive salvation. I truly believe that it was through her constant prayers that he was saved. She never gave up on him, even though she felt very lonely in her faith. So I encourage you to pray every day for your husband; that God may open his eyes and bring him to repentance and salvation:

Quote

1 Corinthians 7:13-14: "And if a woman has an unbelieving husband and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his believing wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband."

I agree with @GandalfTheWise in that there may be some underlying issues within your marriage. It's hard when your spouse doesn't believe in God the way you do, and it must hurt that you're not able to share this part of your life with him. I'm also wondering if sub-consciously - you may not even be aware of it - you are worried about him cheating again and don't want to go through that kind of hurt again. You must also miss him sometimes when he's away riding with his buddies.

Honestly, I would give him the benefit of the doubt in this situation. You share the FB page, which shows that he trusts you; it doesn't seem like he's trying to hide anything from you. In fact, everything he's done, including giving her your phone number, has been out in the open. It sounds to me like she was pestering him to teach her how to fix her bike, and he just gave in to avoid conflict. If her boyfriend is part of the group, he probably thinks highly of your husband's mechanical skills and recommended him to her. I really doubt that her bf or your hubby thought anything of it. It's a guy thing.

I don't know this girl, but maybe she's a tomboy, you know, just part of the gang. And maybe she truly does want to learn how to fix her own bike. Perhaps she's independent and wants to prove herself to the guys.

This is just my observation from what you've written...in the end, you are the one who will have to decide how to deal with this. But I would pray about it and wouldn't jump to conclusions. Remember, when Jesus walked the earth, there were women with Him and His disciples, and they were His followers as well. A few women with a group of men. But there wasn't anything negative about it. So maybe you should ask yourself, "what would Jesus do in this situation"? It sounds cliche, but you should think about it and pray to Jesus about it too.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your husband doesn't sound like he's being secretive or sneaky in any way. I would turn to the Lord and don't let this get the best of you. Lay it all at the foot of the Cross and let God handle it for you. Amen?

Blessings to you both :)

 

 

Edited by Melissa7

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, worriedwife69 said:

Hello, I am new to this forum and am seeking some advise. I have been married for 28 yrs. I rededicated my life to the Lord about 3 1/2 yrs ago. My husband is not following the Lord and has no interest. Back when we first got married my husband cheated on me. I never suspected but found out about 10 yrs ago, it was a very difficult time in our marriage but we got through it and we have had good marriage since and have not ever suspected him of cheating ever. We do have ups and downs but for the most part it has been good other than he puts down my faith a lot because he blames God for a lot of stuff in his life, medical issues.

Anyways to the problem, my husband works from and and is also an avid dirt bike rider. He rides with a lot of different groups. About 2 years ago he started riding with a few guys and from this he has met a lot more riders that these guys know. About 2 weeks ago he was put into contact with a  female friend rider of one of these guys, through messenger on facebook, so basically a conversation was set up, she needed advise on her bike and my husband has worked on some of these other guys stuff in the past. My husband and I share a facebook page so I see everything they are saying to each other. I had no problem with this. She immediately sent a friend request, which I thought was weird because we (he) doesnt even know her, just because you have a conversation with someone doesn't mean you need to be friends on facebook, anyways the request sat in the notifications for a few day until I deleted it. My husband became angry with me saying that was a slap in the face to her and why I would do that, I said I didn't see any reason to accept it since we don't know her. I don't know if he was so mad because he claims she can see it was deleted or if it's because he knows most of the guys she does. So they discussed her bringing her bike over for him to work on, she asked if she could help and my husband said no because he had other jobs to do, so she ended up saying she could probably do it herself and they spent the next week corresponding basically her asking questions and him helping her through this repair. Well then after she did this she needed something else adj. she was talking to him about this but my husband said it's too hard to just walk someone through, so he gave her our number so she could arrange to bring it. She called and during the conversation it was evident she wanted to know how to do this so my husband said he would show her how to do it. It will probably take 45 min . So I became upset that he would actually work on the bike with her, I didn't understand this as shops don't show their customers how to repair their bikes. He said that he will show her and she wont have to bring the bike here again.

My biggest concern is now that they "know" each other, she is going to start riding in his group when they go riding, he insists that wouldn't happen but I find that very hard to believe since every single guy he has ridden with knows her well and rides with her all the time. He says it has never happened over the last couple of years, I explained maybe either luck or that since she didn't "know" you she didn't go. Her boyfriend is someone my husband has ridden with as well. I just feel very uncomfortable about that having females in the group however I don't want to seem like a jealous person and make a big deal out nothing. Am I wrong to feel this way? Is there anything wrong with married men associated with unmarried women in groups? I just know that I would not feel comfortable doing it. He just never rarely "shows" people how to fix their bike, I'm not saying he never has but it's rare, I don't know if most people just don't want to and she does or what. 

Please any advise would be great

Hi WW69,

No you aren't wrong to feel uncomfortable about a woman being around married men.

She is being downright disrespectful to you - unfortunately, some men will plead that its all above board and not to worry etc etc but we all know the workings and little games between female/male situations and I don't buy it when people say "don't worry" - they know as you (we) know that its not right - you don't have to be a Christian to know that.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh (I don't mean to), but I despise the little games men and women play.

 

  • Thumbs Up 1
  • Praise God! 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If they are only together in groups, then it might not be such a problem. I mean, if he wants to cheat, he will find a way. Certainly they shouldn't be alone together, of course.

As for Facebook, people do view it differently. I know lots of people who have hundreds and even over a thousand "friends," many of which they've never even met. For better or worse, a lot of people who send friend invites are merely trying to make connections with like-minded individuals (those that share hobbies, etc.) If it's a joint account, then you'll be able to see anything they do on there.

I would discuss your worries with your husband in a non-confrontational way, just letting him know your concerns but not being closed to his side either.

God bless!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Right on HisFirst.

Firstly, you are the person that sanctifies your marriage. Secondly, do not put up with any forays on the border between men and women. The drive in both is way too strong to have any control over. Anyone that thinks they can sail close to that wind (the man and woman dichotomy) will be hit by the boom when he or she is not looking.

Tell him 'NO DICE' honey. 

It should be understood from the get-go that all the wife's prior 'boy friends' are to be dropped and all the husband's 'girlfriends' are to be likewise dropped. No apologies required. Just dropped.
It should also be understood that there will be no 'alone time' for any future opposite sex dalliance.

Tread carefully as that despicable lion is seeking whom he might devour!

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/16/2018 at 12:35 PM, GandalfTheWise said:

@worriedwife69   Hello, and welcome!   

I've been married for over 30 years and fortunately my wife and I had been Christians for years before getting married.   That saved us some problems, but the reality is that keeping a marriage relationship strong and healthy over decades is something that has to be worked on.  We definitely had our ups and downs in spite of being serious Christians, having solid family support, and having a good network of Christian friends around us.  We had everything going for us and it still takes work.

Different people view FB differently.  Some reserve connections for friends and family.  Others (including myself) will accept connections from acquaintances or people I've just met.  With regard to the other interactions between this woman and your husband, I don't know enough to have a sense of a problem or not with regard to an inappropriate relationship.  But, I do have the sense that this situation may be revealing a deeper problem of some type.

What's hard sometimes in life is to step back and take a look at the bigger picture.  It's easy to let our lives become all about the current situations we find ourselves in.   In the big picture of your lives,  a part of this is that God is working on your husband to come to know Him and for you to grow spiritually.   This is one situation (of many) that God will use to work in both of your lives.  Sometimes it is not the resolution of a situation that matters, but what can change inside of us due to the situation. 

When we run into situations that are challenging, they often reveal things about us.  I've heard a nice analogy that tough situations are like when a gold smith puts gold ore into a smelter, it melts the gold, the impurities are revealed, float to the top as dross, and can be removed.  I think that God does much the same thing as the various situations in life occur.  One thing to consider in this situation is this, is God using it to bring something to the surface that He wants to heal inside of you?

For example, a year or so ago, my wife and adult daughter living with us decided to become vegans.  Christmas dinner was stir fried vegetables, some sort of buns, and chick-pea burgers (that were somewhat like stuffing).  The last time I had meat was a month or two ago visiting one of our daughters.  I cannot recall the last time I had an egg.  Most of the time, it's a ho-hum matter for me though at times I do get annoyed over the way they ooh and ahh over the latest veggie something or another.   But on occasions, I get very angry thinking about it (or maybe that's just an occasional craving for a bacon cheeseburger or a friday night fish fry :) ).   My sense is that this is not so much about the meat, but rather some sort of dynamic in our marriage that I'm not dealing with well and occasionally gets triggered when I think about a steak, or pork chop, or bacon...  I'm still not sure what it is, but being aware that there's something there, I'm not going to turn it into a fight over what is for supper.

Anyway, this situation might be something serious as-is that needs to be dealt with in some way, or perhaps it is just triggering something inside you that God would like to heal and work through.

Oh finally I can reply to comments, I figured out I needed to have additional posts.

Thank you for your reply. I really like what you said that maybe it's more about something God is bringing something to the surface that He wants to heal in me. The thing is I'm confused over my feelings of this bothering me for good reason OR is it something me myself needs to work through.

14 hours ago, Melissa7 said:

Hello @worriedwife69  :th_wave:

Although I'm not married anymore, I did read your post from a female point of view. First off, I want for you to know that you are not the only person to have an unbelieving spouse. A good friend of mine is married and her hubby didn't believe either for a time. She prayed for him continually for a period of 10 years, and he did finally receive salvation. I truly believe that it was through her constant prayers that he was saved. She never gave up on him, even though she felt very lonely in her faith. So I encourage you to pray every day for your husband; that God may open his eyes and bring him to repentance and salvation:

I agree with @GandalfTheWise in that there may be some underlying issues within your marriage. It's hard when your spouse doesn't believe in God the way you do, and it must hurt that you're not able to share this part of your life with him. I'm also wondering if sub-consciously - you may not even be aware of it - you are worried about him cheating again and don't want to go through that kind of hurt again. You must also miss him sometimes when he's away riding with his buddies.

Honestly, I would give him the benefit of the doubt in this situation. You share the FB page, which shows that he trusts you; it doesn't seem like he's trying to hide anything from you. In fact, everything he's done, including giving her your phone number, has been out in the open. It sounds to me like she was pestering him to teach her how to fix her bike, and he just gave in to avoid conflict. If her boyfriend is part of the group, he probably thinks highly of your husband's mechanical skills and recommended him to her. I really doubt that her bf or your hubby thought anything of it. It's a guy thing.

I don't know this girl, but maybe she's a tomboy, you know, just part of the gang. And maybe she truly does want to learn how to fix her own bike. Perhaps she's independent and wants to prove herself to the guys.

This is just my observation from what you've written...in the end, you are the one who will have to decide how to deal with this. But I would pray about it and wouldn't jump to conclusions. Remember, when Jesus walked the earth, there were women with Him and His disciples, and they were His followers as well. A few women with a group of men. But there wasn't anything negative about it. So maybe you should ask yourself, "what would Jesus do in this situation"? It sounds cliche, but you should think about it and pray to Jesus about it too.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your husband doesn't sound like he's being secretive or sneaky in any way. I would turn to the Lord and don't let this get the best of you. Lay it all at the foot of the Cross and let God handle it for you. Amen?

Blessings to you both :)

 

 

thank you so much for your encouraging reply. I've been thinking a lot about what you said, that he isn't hiding anything and I know what he's saying and doing. I guess what bothers me is that he chose to work on the bike with her alone. I feel that he should not do this with his past. I would never interact with another man alone even if my husband was in another room. But again maybe this like previous poster said that God is bringing this to the surface to heal me. Our marriage things don't ever seem to get "resolved" things seem to get swept under the rug. The hard part about this is that my husband sees nothing wrong with it and I get that maybe there isn't but he gets upset when I go to church, not always but a lot of the times and has told me that he has no idea who I interact with there and has asked me if other men have talked to me, but he denies he is bothered if I was with another man alone. I feel he says he isn't because he knows very well and is confident that I wouldn't therefore he can't compare.

 

9 hours ago, Justin Adams said:

Right on HisFirst.

Firstly, you are the person that sanctifies your marriage. Secondly, do not put up with any forays on the border between men and women. The drive in both is way too strong to have any control over. Anyone that thinks they can sail close to that wind (the man and woman dichotomy) will be hit by the boom when he or she is not looking.

Tell him 'NO DICE' honey. 

It should be understood from the get-go that all the wife's prior 'boy friends' are to be dropped and all the husband's 'girlfriends' are to be likewise dropped. No apologies required. Just dropped.
It should also be understood that there will be no 'alone time' for any future opposite sex dalliance.

Tread carefully as that despicable lion is seeking whom he might devour!

I agree that it is a dangerous thing but I also don't want to distrust him over everything either. I think I would definitely have issues if I wasn't here and they were here alone, or if he was going to her house to do it ect. I agree that past relationships should not be in our lives at all and they are not.

  • Thumbs Up 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please allow me to ask one question here... would you feel this way if you never learned of the cheating 10 years ago?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, HisFirst said:

Hi WW69,

No you aren't wrong to feel uncomfortable about a woman being around married men.

She is being downright disrespectful to you - unfortunately, some men will plead that its all above board and not to worry etc etc but we all know the workings and little games between female/male situations and I don't buy it when people say "don't worry" - they know as you (we) know that its not right - you don't have to be a Christian to know that.

Sorry if I'm coming across harsh (I don't mean to), but I despise the little games men and women play.

 

I don't think she thinks she's being disrespectful but by all the photos that she tags with all the guys my husband knows it seems that she hangs with the guys a lot. Her boyfriend to one of the guys my husband knows is very recent like a week ago according do facebook, (it comes up in our feed since we are friends with her boyfriend on facebook), my husband doesn't know him well but has ridden with him a few times.

Edited by worriedwife69
added

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

The day my (now ex) said she did not trust me and started following FB guys and went the way of psycho heresy and the flat-earthers... well that was that. I strongly suggest that FB and other social substitutes be minimized. I DETEST ALL THAT SHALLOW STUFF ANYWAY.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×