Wisdom please

[Imamom]

Now that I have spewed all over the sanctity of marriage topic I realize that the people at worth who have been to that topic know more about me than just about anybody on earth. I figure this is a sign that I am really, and I do mean really, becoming comfortable here. Seems I am opening up here to tell my 'secret', something that normally would be very difficult for me. However, there are many issues that I deal with in the position I am in. For those of you who have not been in that topic, I am free from an abusive marriage for the past two years, separated not divorced. Some things were brought to my attention last night and I think I could really use some Godly wisdom for them.

My husband lives with his girl friend, a very nice lady I might add. They recently have been spatting and somehow I am becoming involved in it. Well, not somehow, it's because I'm so darn nice I seem to always be a comforter for those around me. Yes, that includes my husband and his girl friend and his girl friend before that and before that and so on.

Anyway the two things I will ask about, at least for now are these.

1. She is having a problem since he will not divorce me. He claims that he is not divorcing me because if something were to happen to him, he wants his social security to go to me and the kids (3). He has a gift of making himself sound good in every situation. She is uncomfortable with the idea of living with a married man, even though they have been together for two years. I can totally understand her discomfort especially since she knows that I will not get in the way if he were to file for divorce. She understands that my physical safety would be put in jeopardy if I were to file. I think I am more confused than anything on this. The little bit of difference in social security should something happen to him if we are married with kids or it only went to the kids is not that substantial. And no he will not listen to my reasoning.

2. And this is the biggie for me. I suspect that my kids have some idea what is going on with dad, especially my teenage daughters. All my kids have said at one time or another that mom and dad belong divorced. All my kids like their dad's girl friend even though it has never been confirmed to them. I don't feel it is my place to tell them and she doesn't think it's her place either and my husband tells her not to tell them. I didn't know how difficult it has been getting on her because The Kids Have Started Asking Her Questions. She has to lie to my kids! Once again he has been talked to about this. Shouldn't my kids know at this point? I can see the confusion they are experiencing and I don't think it's healthy for them. And I don't like what I think the whole situation is teaching them about marital relationships.

OOOOHHHH, I could go on with so many more things but these are what's pressing on me today. Especially #2 above. I need Gods help and wise counsel. Thanks to all of you for making me feel comfortable.

[Micah68]

Is your husband planning on dying? Probably not. In other words, his reason for not divorcing you is totally bogus. And why would you be in physical jeopardy if you were to file for divorce? Is he going to hurt you? If so, why do you want to remain married to this man? And why would she consider marrying him? It sounds like a ridiculous mess to me. You have to make your own decisions but this situation makes me ask a lot of questions. Here are some of them: Why are you so "nice" to them? They are sinning. They are sending a terrible example to your children. You can be civil and polite without getting involved in their lives. If they want to mess up their lives, it should be without you. Isn't that why you are separated? Why then do you continue to get mixed up in it? I think you need to get over him in your mind. Separate yourself in your mind and heart and the real separation will also come. Another question: why does it have to be you that files for divorce and then if it is you, you're going to be in harm's way. This man loves to blame others when in fact he is the one who brought about this separation and he is the one who is sinning. Stop letting him blame you. It's not your fault unless you are a party to his philandering.

Try to get into living a true Christian life. Jesus was the ultimate in love and kindness on this earth and yet he wasn't a pansy. He told people point blank to stop sinning. Remember it was our loving Jesus who shouted at the Pharises, "Woe unto you hypocrites" and who drove the buyers and sellers out of the temple. I think a lot of Christians today think they have to be "nice" to everyone. I own my allegiance to God only. When I marry, it had better be a godly person because I still owe my allegiance to God first. I'm not advocating going around screaming at people and calling them hypocrites but I think we have to stand for something. Be true to God. You can be kind when kindness is called for but it sounds to me like you are simply over-involved. That just prolongs his refusal to get on with his own life without you.

Get on with your life without him. Get involved with positive things and helping people who want help. This man does not want help. He is selfish and manipulative and his girlfriend has no self respect or she would not stand for this kind of situation.

[WayneB]

Imamom,

I am so very sorry and saddened by your predicament.

Responding to what you wrote, I don't know what to say other than you MUST get out of the relationship with your husband for your sake and the children's sake. You have allowed yourself to become trapped and must break it off...and that includes any relationship with those who associate with him (his girlfriend). Maybe she'll see the truth before it is too late for her. I mean, if she knows he is physically abusive and an adulterer, what is she thinking?

There are organizations that can help you. Have you researched any free legal counsel in your area? I imagine that there should be resources to assist and protect a person in your circumstance with the first step placing a restraining order against your husband and legal separation specifying visitation and support for the kids. Have you spoke to your Pastor? Are there any lawyers or police officers in your church family? Is there anyone you trust to help & protect you through what you must do?

Lastly, if it was me, I would sit the older children down and explain to them the circumstances. They may believe it all or not but regardless, they have a need to know the truth.

Giving advice is easy sister. NONE of us can possibly understand what you are dealing with unless we have been through it, which is why it is important to find some help...someone who is tenacious and capable of protecting you. Men like your husband who cheat on and abuse their wives usually are nothing more than a bully. The key to dealing with them is to find a bigger and tougher protector and advocate.

As always, continue praying about the situation and follow the Lord's leading. I sense in you a calm and longsuffering spirit but as the previous poster expressed... being humble and meak does not mean we are called to be weak. You have the indwelt Christ sister. Trust and follow HIM.

Bless you,

Wayne

[Guest Bro David™]

Praying for you.

Proverbs 12:1

Whoso loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof is brutish.

YBIC

[dgolvach]

Imomom, God did not create you to be anyone's punching bag or option for Social Security. You are the daughter of a King. That means you are a princess. What King would have the apple of his eye(princess) treated like this?

Dan

[Imamom]

Thank you for your responses. Something that I must not have made clear enough is that I am separated from him and am no longer physically abused. I simply know if I were to file for divorce then he would blow his top. What's important to me is simply being away from him, I am fine separated. My husband does not come into the home as if it and I are his and I have no desire for a relationship with him or anyone else. The reason I think a divorce is in order is because he is living with another woman. His reason for not divorcing me is an excuse I've known that for a long time, A man like him lives with lies and makes excuses for such. And to the one that asked if he plans on dying. I do believe he will not make it into his senior years. Most in his family have hardly made it past 50 and he does not take care of his health. The thing is I don't care whether I'd get more or less from his social security, it's unimportant to me.

My estranged husband is not a christian and could care less if I were to reprimand him or tell him he is living in sin. As a matter of fact is I were to push that, his mind would be telling him that I am saying that because I want him back. That's the way his mind works. His girl friend used to go to church and she feels guilty because he is married. She was pre-warned by me how he is. I feel no guilt and place no blame on myself for anything that happens between them. I know what they are doing is wrong and that part of it is not my problem.

Like I stated in my original post one of the hardest things for me is that he and I have children. My children really like his girl friend alot and she really likes them. I have no problem with the relationship between my kids and his girlfriend except that they don't really know the role she has with their dad. I encourage my husband to move forward with his girl friend and since he keeps telling me he is growing and maturing I tell him that's wonderful and he should grow and mature with her. But keeping the seriousness of their relationship from the kids is wrong. I stated in my first post and restate it now. It is not my place to tell the kids about their dad's personal life. That is up to him. Something has arisen this weekend that I will mention soon. I stand that it is not his girl friends responsibility to tell the kids. He needs to take accountability this time for himself. He needs to be the man and do it. To be harsh and vicious against him would serve no purpose. I want my kids to know that I accept it, that their dad is moving on the way he wants to (in another relationship), and that I am moving on the way I want to (getting my life together and raising them). I don't want the kids to hate their dad, he is still their dad and deserves their love and them his. Would I come off a a better person by being mean in this situation?

My pastor is fine with my decision. I spoke with him before I was separated and he is happy that I am separated now and has seen the healing power God is blessing me with. A much better response than the many before him who kept telling me to stick it out and keep praying for my husband. He understands the dangerous prediciment that I have separated myself from and has arranged an attorney that would take care of me when my husband decides to file. Which I think may be slowly coming to pass.

I hope I have answered the questions asked, maybe not to well, I'm sure you'll let me know.

Bro David and anyone else who has been praying,

Thank you for praying for this situation. I really believe there is power in prayer and that prayer has been making a change in this situation just this past weekend. Two of the kids now know of dads living arrangement. One doesn't yet because she had friends over and dad didn't want to talk with her about it in front of here friends. She will be told after school today. The children have known for along time that mom and dad do not meet eye to eye. They have worried about him since they did not know where he stays (especially during the winter months). My youngest is very happy that he can now visit with dad and his girl friend, My oldest is o.k. with it except that she thinks it's time for dad to divorce mom (otherwise the situation is disgusting). She said that she expected it and it's about time dad came clean. I'm sure my other child will be fine with it to because all of my kids do like dads girl friend alot and with the living arrangement known they can see their dad more often. God is moving this situation along baby step by baby step.

[mikhailjb7]

Thank you for praying for this situation.  I really believe there is power in prayer and that prayer has been making a change in this situation just this past weekend.  Two of the kids now know of dads living arrangement.  One doesn't yet because she had friends over and dad didn't want to talk with her about it in front of here friends.  She will be told after school today.  The children have known for along time that mom and dad do not meet eye to eye.  They have worried about him since they did not know where he stays (especially during the winter months).  My youngest is very happy that he can now visit with dad and his girl friend, My oldest is o.k. with it except that she thinks it's time for dad to divorce mom (otherwise the situation is disgusting).  She said that she expected it and it's about time dad came clean.  I'm sure my other child will be fine with it to because all of my kids do like dads girl friend alot and with the living arrangement known they can see their dad more often.  God is moving this situation along baby step by baby step.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Hi Imamon,

not an easy situation but it seems that you have received much Grace to deal with this. Until he issues a divorce to you it is as Paul says if a woman seperates then let her be as she is or be reconciled with her husband. That seems unliekly from your description, if he divorce you then you would be free to Marry, but only in the Lord. May God continue to guide and lead into his will.

Shalom,

Mikhail ben Gino

[TEN COMMANDMENTS]

Upon reading your post my heart goes out to you, but there comes a time in your life that you must come to the realization of whats important. Your God your kids and yourself. I grew up with a man I wont call him a father because a father is someone who want leave their family when I was about a year and a half old leaving my mother to raise three children on her own, though times we struggled to make ends meet she never left us. How much damage can be done by them finding out later that their man who is supposed to be their father is living in adultery which the Bible says is Sin and maybe they are getting the impression it is alright. And as far as the Social Security holding it over your head he needs to provide for the family monetarily that he seems to be not doing now because no divorce is filed. Also if I was the other woman I would run from that situation as fast as I could run. There are many things that need to be dealt with if those people died in their sins they will spend eternity in Hell not receiving Jesus as their Lord and Savior the, the kids and knowing the consequences of their fathers actions and yourself for having to deal with this. My prayer is that God gives you the strength to make the right decisions. In His Service TEN COMMANDMENTS