Out of interest

[SeraTaru]

On 9/27/2019 at 6:15 PM, lovethelord said:

Hi SeraTaru,

I was just wondering have you tried reading the Bible when you first wake up instead of reaching to check your emails or any other online activity?  It's the first thing I've learned to do. Even reading a verse and meditating on a passage for a few minutes can go a long way in how your day begins and strengthen you in you walk with the Lord. In any case, I just want to encourage you and hang in there. I read your apology that you posted at the end of July and I felt it was from the heart. You may already know this, so this would just be a gentle reminder that God shows us that He forgives us when we ask for forgiveness, just as we are to forgive others. However, he lets us live through the consequences of our actions so that we learn to make better decisions and take care in how we treat others etc..  Please know that even asking forgiveness is coming from a place of humility. Continue to be the best you can be and patiently wait through the process. It will work out.

 

Yes I tried this for years. Indeed many years ago I got up at 4am and prayed for 2 hours before I went to work. At the end of the day (with hindsight) I question why....two years later my marriage was over, I was thrown out with the clothes on my back, bankrupt and ultimately with a 20 year old daughter whom I've not seen in 5 years because I'm blamed for things I didn't even do.

I was a youth pastor by the way.

I appreciate your reply - thanks for taking the time to post. 

 

 

Edited October 5, 2019 by SeraTaru

[SeraTaru]

On 9/27/2019 at 3:36 PM, lftc said:

SeraTeru, 

I read the the trail of your posts.  May Jesus lift you up, my brother. 

I see the tracks of a man in the grips of an issue larger than his ability to restrain.  We are all there, if we have the wisdom to see it.

I have no right to speak into your life - none at all.  But I feel compelled to, so please read my post here in the tone in which it is sent: Love and Compassion.

As I said above, we all have the opportunity to face our own failures before God.  I strongly believe that each of us has areas that are not in compliance with the rules God has introduced.  Unfortunately, for many people their areas are socially acceptable, and their doctrines build a custom set of rules that allow them to judge themselves approved on their own strength. 

Many in that situation can interact reasonably well with other people while they are in the grips of their weakness. 

In situations like yours, struggles with alcohol and other substances, the restraint from saying and doing mean things is removed to a large extent.

Your anger you express in your post I quoted above is a natural result of the hopelessness of being caught in a cycle that hurts others around you while in the grips of the weakness, then feeling the shame and embarassment of realizing your public display of weakness when you awaken from the episode.

You desparately need love from people and so you keep reaching out.  Only to viciously rip at those who are brave enough to reach out.

Here on the forum, you could realize that moderator review may be helpful.  When caught in the weakness, you will post things that will drive people away.  I don't know how long the moderators will allow, but at least for a time you can continue to communicate with people during your times of relative strength.

Your real life is much more difficult, there is no-one sitting ready to filter out the destruction that comes from the weakness.  But there could be.  My prayer is that you find some people who love other people and help them fight these terrible weaknesses that a person alone cannot overcome.  There are some of us online, but that won't work for your real life.

Your real life is precious to God.  You are no more a piece of trash than I am.  You are worth fighting for.  Make the choice during the time of less weakness to take steps towards freedom. Real steps in your real life that is really loved by the real Jesus.

You noted above who Jesus identified as accepted by God in Luke.  Now gather your faith and believe it.  In the real Kingdom of Heaven, you stand among those redeemed at the Cross of the Christ.  Nothing can remove that standing.  Now believe it and feel His love.  And let his Love fill your needs.  

Then you will be able to start fighting your way out of the pit that not only destroys you but the people around you. As all of our weaknesses do, just some faster and more obvious than others.

Hi LFTC,

Thanks for posting a detailed reply.

I do indeed appreciate the way it came across and you're very right - about being particularly hurtful to those I want to reach out to.

I'd posted a long reply then realised it will be moderated before "approval" by some other random person as equally sinful if not more so than myself but for some reason deemed "worthy" to judge my post. 

Irony - maybe this is the wrong place for me to be altogether...maybe I should search for an "unworthy Christian forum" or a "desperate sinner needing a doctor forum".  Yep that's it - I want to post there.

Thanks

Dave

 

Edited October 5, 2019 by SeraTaru

[lftc]

2 hours ago, SeraTaru said:

Hi LFTC,

Thanks for posting a detailed reply.

I do indeed appreciate the way it came across and you're very right - about being particularly hurtful to those I want to reach out to.

I'd posted a long reply then realised it will be moderated before "approval" by some other random person as equally sinful if not more so than myself but for some reason deemed "worthy" to judge my post. I will not subject my personal experiences, and especially hurts to scrutiny and approval by anyone else. 

Irony - maybe it's the wrong place for me to be altogether...maybe I should search for an "unworthy Christian forum" or a "sinner needing a doctor forum". 

Thanks

Dave

 

Hello Dave,

I usually am not online this late.  But I saw your reply.  The interesting thing is I saw your full reply and then when I hit the quote it switched to your edited reply.  I did not see any issue with the full reply.

In your full reply you mentioned that you try to work through the issues in private as you have caused so much hurt in others.  You also mentioned that you wondered if there had been someone to take you in when your life fell apart maybe that would have changed things.

I certainly don't know the answer to that and I don't think it makes any difference.  Where ever you go, it will start from here.  Which feels like a really bad situation.

The Gospel as described by Paul, and what I believe l as I tag along with Paul,  Is that your sins were forgiven at the cross.  People are afraid of that gospel because it seems to leave the door open to sin.  You have the opportunity to know better than many people, so I can ask you:  How has it gone with the door being shut?

The point is that law is not effective at stopping people from sinning, they just put on their thinking hats and write their sins out of the law.   You don't have that luxury.  Stop raging at those who look good compared to you.  The least sin is worthy of eternal death.  I believe with every part of my being at this minute that Jesus LOVES you.  Not the you that you could have been.  He loves you right now.  Reach out for him in your spirit, rage at the lie that says you are beyond hope.  Then go out and find the people that will love you.  People that know the situation and will help you when you go off again.  I would physically help, but I fear that a great physical distance is between. 

Keep in mind who Jesus spent time with while he physically walked the earth.  People like you and me.  He was harsh with the really polished people.  He has people serving him walking around and seeing who they can be Jesus to.  You will become one of them.

You can PM me when you need to rant.

[lftc]

3 hours ago, SeraTaru said:

Irony - maybe this is the wrong place for me to be altogether...maybe I should search for an "unworthy Christian forum" or a "desperate sinner needing a doctor forum".  Yep that's it - I want to post there.

If you find one, let me know.  I wrote a short article that describes how it can feel to be in a truly bad place.  I can PM you the link if you're interested.

[SeraTaru]

39 minutes ago, lftc said:

Hello Dave,

I usually am not online this late.  But I saw your reply.  The interesting thing is I saw your full reply and then when I hit the quote it switched to your edited reply.  I did not see any issue with the full reply.

In your full reply you mentioned that you try to work through the issues in private as you have caused so much hurt in others.  You also mentioned that you wondered if there had been someone to take you in when your life fell apart maybe that would have changed things.

I certainly don't know the answer to that and I don't think it makes any difference.  Where ever you go, it will start from here.  Which feels like a really bad situation.

The Gospel as described by Paul, and what I believe l as I tag along with Paul,  Is that your sins were forgiven at the cross.  People are afraid of that gospel because it seems to leave the door open to sin.  You have the opportunity to know better than many people, so I can ask you:  How has it gone with the door being shut?

The point is that law is not effective at stopping people from sinning, they just put on their thinking hats and write their sins out of the law.   You don't have that luxury.  Stop raging at those who look good compared to you.  The least sin is worthy of eternal death.  I believe with every part of my being at this minute that Jesus LOVES you.  Not the you that you could have been.  He loves you right now.  Reach out for him in your spirit, rage at the lie that says you are beyond hope.  Then go out and find the people that will love you.  People that know the situation and will help you when you go off again.  I would physically help, but I fear that a great physical distance is between. 

Keep in mind who Jesus spent time with while he physically walked the earth.  People like you and me.  He was harsh with the really polished people.  He has people serving him walking around and seeing who they can be Jesus to.  You will become one of them.

You can PM me when you need to rant.

Hi!

Thanks for your post. My original post that you saw was my knee jerk reaction! The sanitised post was the one that was meant to slip by the moderator lol.

I don't feel a need to PM you as I'm not about to rant - maybe one person might learn from my post in that case it's good I suppose.

The most annoying part of your post is where you say Jesus LOVES me. I've never got that TBH. I could tell you a whole lot of theology and experience but I think my biggest issue is that at 51 years old I've never had a father. I was adopted at 2 weeks of age and then lied about who I was until I found out at 16. When I *thought* I found out, it was still only a half truth. It took me into my 40's to discover about my parentage - my "mum and dad" were really my aunt and uncle and my "aunt" was really my natural birth mum and I was the product of a rape. This may sound very complicated and it is - there is much more to the story - it's a whole "northern Ireland protestant vs catholic thing". Bottom line - "Father" means absent, or else someone that beats and abuses.

So "God" loving me? Forget it.

At times I have maybe gotten a little bit, but most of the time if I am honest "God" hates me. Please don't quote verses about being "fearfully and wonderfully made" - I honestly know the word more than most Christians. But the journey from head to heart is so hard. I read the story of the prodigal son so much, but in my understanding I don't see that love - I see "bastard - product of rape". Please mods don't edit this out - it's a word from the KJV and a valid word ok?

I long for some "experience of Gods love".....it never seems to come.

But thank you so much for your reply - nice change to not be crucified for being at heart angry or hurting.

[lovethelord]

SeraTaru,

Thanks for sharing a little more info about your life. Being a former youth pastor you would understand God's love, his amazing forgiveness, trials and challenges that all people face. I'm truly sorry for all that has happened to you, but terrible things happen to everyone at some point in time in their life. It's part of living in this fallen world. God really does understand everything you've experienced and lived through. Release any toxic angry emotions to Him to heal them. Continue in your prayers knowing He will answer them in alignment with His will and timing. We can't stop praying even through the bad times as difficult as it may be. Who else has the power to change our life, but the Lord?  Remember, on the Sermon on the Mount Jesus tells us that the poor in spirit are blessed. It's because they know they have nothing worthy in themselves to commend to God. Please reach out again to the Lord. Fully trust Him to help you in your circumstances and any changes you wish to make in your life.  

[BeauJangles]

6 hours ago, SeraTaru said:

Irony - maybe this is the wrong place for me to be altogether...maybe I should search for an "unworthy Christian forum" or a "desperate sinner needing a doctor forum".  Yep that's it - I want to post there.

Honestly, WCF is more than fair and objective. I have no idea why placement of moderator review was activated, nor is it any of my business. Other forums from what has been explained to me are harshly restrictive, and will block and/or ban without much hesitation at all. Hopefully you'll change your mind about this.

If you are seriously asking for help about substance abuse as mentioned, or any other problem for that matter, there's a lot of compassionate hearts here who are more than willing to correspond with you - PM or otherwise. Please do reconsider making a rash decision on your behalf. God bless you. 

[lftc]

11 hours ago, SeraTaru said:

Hi!

Thanks for your post. My original post that you saw was my knee jerk reaction! The sanitised post was the one that was meant to slip by the moderator lol.

I don't feel a need to PM you as I'm not about to rant - maybe one person might learn from my post in that case it's good I suppose.

The most annoying part of your post is where you say Jesus LOVES me. I've never got that TBH. I could tell you a whole lot of theology and experience but I think my biggest issue is that at 51 years old I've never had a father. I was adopted at 2 weeks of age and then lied about who I was until I found out at 16. When I *thought* I found out, it was still only a half truth. It took me into my 40's to discover about my parentage - my "mum and dad" were really my aunt and uncle and my "aunt" was really my natural birth mum and I was the product of a rape. This may sound very complicated and it is - there is much more to the story - it's a whole "northern Ireland protestant vs catholic thing". Bottom line - "Father" means absent, or else someone that beats and abuses.

So "God" loving me? Forget it.

At times I have maybe gotten a little bit, but most of the time if I am honest "God" hates me. Please don't quote verses about being "fearfully and wonderfully made" - I honestly know the word more than most Christians. But the journey from head to heart is so hard. I read the story of the prodigal son so much, but in my understanding I don't see that love - I see "bastard - product of rape". Please mods don't edit this out - it's a word from the KJV and a valid word ok?

I long for some "experience of Gods love".....it never seems to come.

But thank you so much for your reply - nice change to not be crucified for being at heart angry or hurting.

I very much appreciate your candor.  I welcome it.

And I appreciate you posting instead of sending a PM.  You are very correct.  Other people do need to hear of your situation.  I meant that you can PM me when you need to express hostility towards other posters here or have the need to use "unapproved" adjectives.  The moderators do have a responsibility to try to keep things civil.  I don't have that responsibility so you can express such things to me in private. 

I, too, long for experiencing God's love.  I used to experience it a lot, but for the last several years my situation has been bad, really bad.  So much so that death is appealing.  When I feel a pain in my chest, I get excited: maybe it's finally time to go.

I have come to realize that he is the God of broken people.  As you accurately quoted him, he came to heal the sick, those that know they need a doctor.

I feel a slowly growing peace as I embrace that suffering is part of the way of God. 

I am like Peter when everyone else had rejected Jesus because he said they have to eat his flesh.  Peter said "Who else has words of eternal life?"

So here I wait.  Each day is one day closer to the end of suffering.