If You Wish You Didn’t Exist

[Marathoner]

2 hours ago, Don19 said:

I hate my life like you cannot imagine. It's totally wortheless.

I can imagine, dear brother. I know because I hated myself and my life, crossing that threshold where I sought to resist to the shedding of blood. My own blood. 

You've been on my heart since you posted last and it's so good to see you here again, Don. This is something our Lord purposed for me to do because I've been low and laid low. You matter to me, and you certainly matter to the Lord. If you didn't would His Spirit burden me in such a way? I'm not the only one burdened for your sake. 

My friend. Those aren't hollow words of sentiment. In this place where Jesus Christ sent me to carry out His will --- a shelter for the homeless --- I serve some who face the same struggle you wrestle with. I'm vigilant to do whatever I can for their sake. I watch over their safety and well-being by removing items which might trigger relapse; for those who drink, discarded bottles and cans littering the street; and for those who are recovering from an addiction to heroin, I dispose of dozens of syringes I find strewn all over the neighborhood. Some of those syringes are still loaded with the drug, brother. 

I weep with them and listen whenever they require an ear, withholding judgment. I know how they struggle and suffer so of course I don't judge them. Do you believe me when I say the Lord will never abandon you, Don? He made me the way I am, and God knows how I've suffered on account of this affliction and weakness I bear in this world.  

Oh, how I seethed with anger at the Lord after He delivered me with a mighty hand. I even screamed at Him, going hoarse on account of roaring with impotent rage. Roaring... that was the best I could manage because I suffered so grievously, and was so stunned when the Lord came, that I lost the ability to speak effectively for close to two years. "Why" was only word I could say. 

I wanted to die and should have died, Don. What happens when the trigger of a properly functional (and well-maintained) firearm is pulled? The bullet fires, of course. So why did the Lord deny this of me when the bullet didn't fire? I was utterly worthless and spent the last of what I possessed protecting the life a stranger... wasn't this enough? Surely I deserved death.

The Lord didn't forget me nor forsake me, and He certainly won't forget nor forsake you, brother. The truth? I still struggle against worthlessness and despair all of these years later.  

Edited April 13, 2021 by Marathoner

[Whyme]

I understand mental illness, and wished I were dead.. I'm on medication something I resisted for years. The meds help but without God I wouldn't have a way to deal with my struggles and I would suffer im sure. Praise the Lord. He showed me that there is a place in my heart where His Spirit resides. I feel so blessed. I use to struggle so much. I know struggles will most likely come back however. Lord help me if that happens. Let my soul wait on you.

[Marathoner]

3 hours ago, Don19 said:

No, it doesn't matter whether I confessed it or not. All my sins or forgiven, eternally. But temporally is another matter. Do you know what the parables mean? The prodigal son, the virgins, the end Matthew 24, the talents, the workers in the vineyard, and others.

Yes. Prodigal means wasteful and extravagant, given to excess. What is the lesson of the prodigal? His father never stopped loving him and the prodigal never ceased being his son even when he ran with away with his inheritance. Did the prodigal son suffer?

Yes, he did. Remember Job, a man whom God declared to be upright and blameless? Remember how Job suffered and understand this: suffering and even weakness is our portion in this world under the sun. We're ignorant and don't understand as we ought to... do you believe the Lord has no regard for our estate, brother?

Don't you think He knows the end from the beginning? God, knowing the full measure of your life and all of your days, chose you before you were born to be conformed to the image of His beloved Son. Of course if we were to rely upon our own judgment we never would've chosen ourselves in a million years. 

Nope. Ah, but then we aren't God!

[Marathoner]

40 minutes ago, Whyme said:

I understand mental illness, and wished I were dead.. I'm on medication something I resisted for years. The meds help but without God I wouldn't have a way to deal with my struggles and I would suffer im sure. Praise the Lord. He showed me that there is a place in my heart where His Spirit resides. I feel so blessed. I use to struggle so much. I know struggles will most likely come back however. Lord help me if that happens. Let my soul wait on you.

He does and will, @Whyme. God addressed my autism and its nature through many years of trial, bringing me to an awareness that man could not provide. There's no "medicine" to address autism and therapy is pointless... but all things are possible to the Lord. 

As for depression? It persists but again there is that fruit of the fiery trial, a pleasing aroma to the Lord. I reached the point where I abdicated my life, embracing death not once but a number of times. Did it matter if death came from intercepting bullets meant for someone else or unleashing one upon myself? Those children of the devil would fire their weapons in the dead of night and so I watched waited for them to come, at peace with giving my friend the chance to flee (and live) while I kept them preoccupied.  

Of course I was foolhardy but what was my life compared to hers? When I was finished with screaming at the Lord He revealed the truth of His work in me:

I abdicated my life and so Christ gave me His own so I might live for God. More speechlessness ensued. I know better than to lay hands on this Life God has given to me. It's not mine. It's His. 

Edited April 13, 2021 by Marathoner

[Whyme]

2 hours ago, Marathoner said:

He does and will, @Whyme. God addressed my autism and its nature through many years of trial, bringing me to an awareness that man could not provide. There's no "medicine" to address autism and therapy is pointless... but all things are possible to the Lord. 

As for depression? It persists but again there is that fruit of the fiery trial, a pleasing aroma to the Lord. I reached the point where I abdicated my life, embracing death not once but a number of times. Did it matter if death came from intercepting bullets meant for someone else or unleashing one upon myself? Those children of the devil would fire their weapons in the dead of night and so I watched waited for them to come, at peace with giving my friend the chance to flee (and live) while I kept them preoccupied.  

Of course I was foolhardy but what was my life compared to hers? When I was finished with screaming at the Lord He revealed the truth of His work in me:

I abdicated my life and so Christ gave me His own so I might live for God. More speechlessness ensued. I know better than to lay hands on this Life God has given to me. It's not mine. It's His. 

How much do you experience depression? Whats autism like? It sounds difficult. 

[Marathoner]

2 minutes ago, Whyme said:

How much do you experience depression? Whats autism like? It sounds difficult. 

I experience depression in a cycle: it starts during the winter and continues until the end of spring. It's nothing compared to what it used to be many years ago. Insomnia, an inability to focus (I struggle to keep my place clean and do anything), and bombardment by memories from the past are the primary symptoms. 

I remember those whom the Lord brought into my life but are no longer in this world. I remember what it was like during the time I was with them, how they suffered and the terrible things they endured, and I weep even though they're with the Lord now. My adopted mother is one I remember the most often when I'm depressed. We endured so much together. 

As for autism? It's a developmental condition so I was formed this way in my mother's womb. It's a spectrum so there are many variations to be found in autism. It centers around how the brain developed prior to birth: an autistic person's brain will have an excess of neurons in one area while others evidence a lack of them.

Some autistic people struggle with motor skills and impairment (that's common) while others like myself have issues with processing and handling emotions, which usually means problems socializing and being around other people.  Some have difficulties with learning. Also a certain naivete making it easy to be manipulated by other people (that was me, too). 

I never dealt with learning impairment and in fact, I was the opposite of learning impaired. School was dreadfully boring because I engaged in self-education to an extreme... I would read my textbooks cover to cover and retained most of what I read to the consternation of my teachers. When I was in elementary school that wasn't a problem but by the time I reached my first year of high school, other kids frightened me and the classes bored me to tears. Hence I dropped out.  

[Whyme]

30 minutes ago, Marathoner said:

I experience depression in a cycle: it starts during the winter and continues until the end of spring. It's nothing compared to what it used to be many years ago. Insomnia, an inability to focus (I struggle to keep my place clean and do anything), and bombardment by memories from the past are the primary symptoms. 

I remember those whom the Lord brought into my life but are no longer in this world. I remember what it was like during the time I was with them, how they suffered and the terrible things they endured, and I weep even though they're with the Lord now. My adopted mother is one I remember the most often when I'm depressed. We endured so much together. 

As for autism? It's a developmental condition so I was formed this way in my mother's womb. It's a spectrum so there are many variations to be found in autism. It centers around how the brain developed prior to birth: an autistic person's brain will have an excess of neurons in one area while others evidence a lack of them.

Some autistic people struggle with motor skills and impairment (that's common) while others like myself have issues with processing and handling emotions, which usually means problems socializing and being around other people.  Some have difficulties with learning. Also a certain naivete making it easy to be manipulated by other people (that was me, too). 

I never dealt with learning impairment and in fact, I was the opposite of learning impaired. School was dreadfully boring because I engaged in self-education to an extreme... I would read my textbooks cover to cover and retained most of what I read to the consternation of my teachers. When I was in elementary school that wasn't a problem but by the time I reached my first year of high school, other kids frightened me and the classes bored me to tears. Hence I dropped out.  

I know what you mean about memories haunting you. I deal with that sometimes, moreso years ago.

Edited April 13, 2021 by Whyme

[Whyme]

I believe we find God's strength in our weaknesses. It takes time to learn, at least for me anyway, and I'm still learning, but I really feel that God has never forsaken me, and has brought me so far. It didn't seem that way for a long time, but now I feel so happy seeing God work in me.

[Starise]

Maybe similar to @Marathoner I am prone to more depression in the fall and winter months. I have speculated on why this is and some of the reasons I came up with were lack of vitamin D3 or maybe lack of sunlight. Yet one other reason was a serious alienation by another human being I was committed to happened during the Dec/Jan months. While I can't seriously rationalize this maybe it's "buried" and comes back during those recurring months. In any case it seems to be a recurring theme to my life. I have tried artificial sunlight lamps and taking Vitamin D3 which seems to help some. Really though the best cure for it has been Spring. Winters here can tend to "hammer" away at your energy in clearing sometimes frequent snow and navigating it in traffic. Getting up in the dark and going home in it. These aren't things associated with Spring or Summer here.

Even in Spring I have these "off" days where I don't feel very friendly and I don't want to get up that day. Today is such a day.

I don't believe I'm anything different than most. Don't we all have "those days"?

On 4/28/2021 at 12:24 PM, Chicken coop2 said:

Currently dealing with another hateful personal attack by someone who has a strong prejudice. 

I don't understand this at all. Praying. If they are web based, you have the power to ignore them. 

[Marathoner]

Anniversaries, @Starise. You mention a traumatic experience taking place during the winter months. 

I keep having an issue with posts disappearing while I'm the course of writing of them, and it's frustrating since I'm running short on time (work begins shortly). No doubt it has something to do with the internet browser. I'll try again.

How long has it been? It seems like only yesterday that our Father in heaven brought me to the side of a stranger in the wilderness. I was at the lowest point of all my days on this earth, believing myself to be a worthless failure, and yet the Lord made it possible for me to lay down my life for her sake. I stood between this stranger and the muzzle of a gun pointed by a man who had promised to kill her. 

In that moment I willingly and gladly embraced death, but the Lord knew how this wounded and even broke me. It was the darkest of times yet it was also the most astonishing of times. Over the course of the following year I was called upon to do the same time and again, to stand between this woman and murderous men. Each time I was wounded more deeply and broken further.

When the danger finally passed and summer was just beginning, my charge was very much alive and safe... but the same wasn't true for me. I began a lengthy decline and nothing could stop nor change the course. My mind started disintegrating along with my body. 

I was the captive of horrific waking nightmares wherein she was neither alive nor safe, because I had failed her just as I had failed Jesus Christ many years ago. This continued until I lost 37% of my body weight and was as good as dead. It was the darkest of times. 

I still bear those scars even in light of the most astonishing and impossible things unfolding. The Lord was moved for my sake and so He came to me in the shadow of death, but it's difficult to convey the traumatic nature of it all to others. Yes, I was blinded by His glory but it was nevertheless a traumatic experience. 

It is one of many anniversaries this time of year. 

Edited April 29, 2021 by Marathoner
typos