Generalized Question (FFIC)

[LittlePebble10]

My website is called Fathomistic Fantasy with the subtitle Imaginative craft (FFIC). I am noticing that my blog topic for my current journey has the most views. I am kind of wondering if it would even be worth making a tab dedicated to it. I can still leave it the way it is right now and span things out a little more. That way I can keep things split between two different levels. On the surface it goes over where I am at with my goals while the other can show exactly what that looks like for people who want to know. From the beginning this was to focus on solving my anxiety problems. I suppose today has been a little difficult with my anxiety. Not entirely sure why though. 

 

I thought I would create a new thread dedicated to improving my website. Its part of my calling and I would really like to keep it God centered. Any other suggestions would be helpful. The layout, what people want to see in the tutorials, and if something seems to stray too far. Its made from wix which means its not hard to change anything. I hope to build my own system out of discrete components in the near future. That way I can maintain it myself without having to track down schematics for a mobo is protected by a company. If I am studying so deeply in computers I might as well build one. Its been done before and I think the homebrew server is still up for the guy who built it completely out of chips. 

 

Right now the plan is to get something concrete and to my first books published. When I have money coming in from this I can remove the link to all the forums I am on. Sort of breaks the advertising rule when things become commercial. Right now its in the very baby stages of getting started. Really could use suggestions and or advice. If there is a hobby you would like to add to your imaginative craft please let me know. I am doing this for people to learn new things and to solve their own problems. I am not doing any of this for the attention. Even my use of a pacifier would isolate me if I did not fight my anxiety.    

[BeauJangles]

2 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

My website is called Fathomistic Fantasy with the subtitle Imaginative craft (FFIC). I am noticing that my blog topic for my current journey has the most views. I am kind of wondering if it would even be worth making a tab dedicated to it. I can still leave it the way it is right now and span things out a little more. That way I can keep things split between two different levels. On the surface it goes over where I am at with my goals while the other can show exactly what that looks like for people who want to know. From the beginning this was to focus on solving my anxiety problems. I suppose today has been a little difficult with my anxiety. Not entirely sure why though. 

Hi LittlePebble10,

I know nothing about this other website or what you do personally speaking. I have tried to reach out to you as have others here and it seems like you are a little unresponsive or overlooking my sincere attempts to encourage you in Christ Jesus. It also appears you're traveling a bit out of the regulated orbit of reality just a bit and spinning too far inward towards yourself. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Fantasy is all fine and good in the correct balance, take Lord of the Rings, as an example. But too much focus on things not directly related to Jesus can cause an unbalanced lifestyle of perspectives. Certain aspects of your struggles are relative to things all can have a tendency, but it looks like there's resistance for even God's Holy Spirit's leading and impressing upon on you to lean on Him and Him primarily and foremost. Let me just say that you're in my prayers, brother. God bless you. 

Shabbat Shalom,

David/BeauJangles

Edited August 22, 2020 by BeauJangles

[LittlePebble10]

21 minutes ago, BeauJangles said:

Hi LittlePebble10,

I know nothing about this other website or what you do personally speaking. I have tried to reach out to you as have others here and it seems like you are a little unresponsive or overlooking my sincere attempts to encourage you in Christ Jesus. It also appears you're traveling a bit out of the regulated orbit of reality just a bit and traveling too far inward towards yourself. Please don't misunderstand what I'm saying here. Certain aspects of your struggles are relative to things all can have a tendency, but it looks like there's resistance for even God's Holy Spirit's leading and impressing upon on you to lean on Him and Him primarily and foremost. Let me just say that you're in my prayers, brother. God bless you. 

Shabbat Shalom,

David/BeauJangles

 

The Link is in my signature with the words imaginative craft. It would help if you could describe a bit more on what you mean by this. Not exactly sure how I should start or even respond. Just to clarify I did allow my anxiety to overcome me in that one post. Felt bad after I said the things I did. However, if your talking about imaginative craft with my characters it might help if people read my public diary. It got moved to my website a couple of months ago. Again the link is in the signature, but I will provide a link to the blog. From my understanding of Scripture I never came across anything that described my way of problem solving as, "traveling too far inwards." I hate talking about how it works at ground level. It always sounds like I am bragging and I don't like being in the spot light when it comes to this. I like to create that element of mystery where people can see the illusion instead of me.

 

For the most part my tulpas are a way I see people. I see my irl mother through my dragon named Seria. Name pronounced Sea-air-ah. My other tulpas are a tad bit more complicated and have more of a mixture of my irl friends. As for the imaginative age regression you have to understand its a metaphor to life. Especially when taking into consideration Mathew 18:1-5 and 1 Corinthians 13 the entire chapter. Not just verse 11. Otherwise what Jesus said about being a mere child would be in direct contradiction. You don't need a stuffed animal, pacifier, or even an imagination to be like a child. My irl mother kneels at the bed in a form of submission when she prays. My way of being like a child just happens to be a tad bit more like a child. You ever heard the song Here I am By Michael W. Smith? The first lyric is "there is a place where I can go where the angels hear me pray." This is essentially what my wonderland is. Its a place for me to leave myself behind and really be the soul I am under it all. A lot of people think God is a tulpae and this is as far from the truth as you can possibly get. On Tulpa dot info some members of the forums describe their wonderland to be metaphysics. Although this might be a small picture of how I view it, this is not the entire picture. There is so much more to it and the place I can go where the angels hear me pray and God himself is the one I pray to. My tulpas are a form of talking to myself and understand who I am. Hopefully this makes a little more sense.

 

FFIC Blog

Edited August 22, 2020 by LittlePebble10
Forgot the link

[BeauJangles]

19 minutes ago, LittlePebble10 said:

 

The Link is in my signature with the words imaginative craft. It would help if you could describe a bit more on what you mean by this. Not exactly sure how I should start or even respond. Just to clarify I did allow my anxiety to overcome me in that one post. Felt bad after I said the things I did. However, if your talking about imaginative craft with my characters it might help if people read my public diary. It got moved to my website a couple of months ago. Again the link is in the signature, but I will provide a link to the blog. From my understanding of Scripture I never came across anything that described my way of problem solving as, "traveling too far inwards." I hate talking about how it works at ground level. It always sounds like I am bragging and I don't like being in the spot light when it comes to this. I like to create that element of mystery where people can see the illusion instead of me.

 

For the most part my tulpas are a way I see people. I see my irl mother through my dragon named Seria. Name pronounced Sea-air-ah. My other tulpas are a tad bit more complicated and have more of a mixture of my irl friends. As for the imaginative age regression you have to understand its a metaphor to life. Especially when taking into consideration Mathew 18:1-5 and 1 Corinthians 13 the entire chapter. Not just verse 11. Otherwise what Jesus said about being a mere child would be in direct contradiction. You don't need a stuffed animal, pacifier, or even an imagination to be like a child. My irl mother kneels at the bed in a form of submission when she prays. My way of being like a child just happens to be a tad bit more like a child. You ever heard the song Here I am By Michael W. Smith? The first lyric is "there is a place where I can go where the angels hear me pray." This is essentially what my wonderland is. Its a place for me to leave myself behind and really be the soul I am under it all. A lot of people think God is a tulpae and this is as far from the truth as you can possibly get. On Tulpa dot info some members of the forums describe their wonderland to be metaphysics. Although this might be a small picture of how I view it, this is not the entire picture. There is so much more to it and the place I can go where the angels hear me pray and God himself is the one I pray to. My tulpas are a form of talking to myself and understand who I am. Hopefully this makes a little more sense.

What I'm trying to impress upon you brother, is this. You seem to be placing far too much emphasis on fantasy than is benefiting you in the long run. Pretending is for children and when we grow to be adults we should allow the Lord to mature us accordingly. From your previous posts it would appear indicative this fantasy world of yours has now become an obsession.

Reality has become way too much for you to cope with, so retreating into the imaginary world is your primary comfort zone. The only problem with this is fantasy fades and reality remains. 

I'm sensing this from all the other posts you've made here. Let me just say this. I also had some difficulty when growing from childhood and into be the man God intended for me to be. No, it wasn't an easy transition. There are still struggles at certain times. Tremendous struggles as a matter of fact. By the grace of the Lord, I allowed Him to transform me into that new creation in Christ Jesus I was meant to become. 

Edited August 22, 2020 by BeauJangles

[LittlePebble10]

34 minutes ago, BeauJangles said:

What I'm trying to impress upon you brother is this. You seem to be placing far too much emphasis on fantasy than is benefiting you in the long run. Pretending is for children and when we grow to be adults we should allow the Lord to mature us accordingly. From your previous posts it would appear indicative this fantasy world of yours has now become an obsession.

Reality has become way too much for you to cope with, so retreating into the imaginary world is your primary comfort zone. The only problem with this is fantasy fades and reality remains. 

This is what I'm sensing from all the other posts you've made here. Let me just say this. I also had some difficulty when growing from childhood and into be the man God intended for me to be. No, it wasn't an easy transition. There are still struggles at certain times. Tremendous struggles as a matter of fact. By the grace of the Lord, I allowed him to transform me into that new creation in Christ Jesus I was meant to become. 

 

Thats interesting you should say, "retreating into imaginary." Its not that simple. The way my mind works; if I don't balance the two then my anxiety will drag me there. Depending on how I lost my grasp it can be rather dramatic. I even been there when I could not feel the ground beneath my paws. There was no sky or light and my tulpas were nowhere to be found. Even Gods presence seemed faint. Keep in mind I done this type of mind exercise for years. After doing this for so long your mind gets used to imagining it there. At this moment in life everything I thought I knew seemed void of meaning. This is probably as close to vanity of vanities described by King Solomon as you could get. Of course I have to give some credit to the fact that I lost a lot of sleep and my meds were not working what so ever. There was a moment where I felt God was there and I will never forget being told that he has everything under control. It took a bit of going to therapy to really balance things like I do now, but it took a rather long time.

Another moment when I came close to a relapse was when my closest friend who seemed like a brother to me broke off our friendship. I looked up to him because he embraced a feminine persona while maintaining a masculine reputation. His mother died of cancer and this shattered his life. Next thing I know he told me he was a transgender women. It did not take long until he read my writing and my desire to be very masculine even though I do enjoy some rather feminine things. I cant listen to the song Promise by Black Gryph0n without losing it. I might as well provide a link. There is literally nothing there that breaks the rules as far as I understand, but it describes exactly how I felt when my friend ended the Local My Little Pony group we were in. I still do have dreams about seeing him again and saddened to learn that it was only a dream. 

If there is any truth in anything that has happened in my life; its that my stability is headed into a realistic direction. My ability to balance my imaginary wonderland with life is a lot more realistic then fighting my emotions only to crash land in my wonderland. I will be completely honest with you. I am not sure I understand why it does that or why my pacifier helps me recover faster. The only explanation I can think of is that my diagnosis created this place without me knowing. I was given an IEP because I teacher called in my mother. She freaked out because for a little while I was unresponsive. I don't remember this because of how young I was. In highschool I had moments where my mind started doing this to me again. From what I remember I would be aware of my surroundings, but I would be zoned out. It was not until I created my first tulpae did I really become in control of this strange thing my mind did on its own. I wrote letters to an imaginary thing and pretended that she wrote me back. It felt really weird at first. Eventually I noticed that my ability to stay in the room had improved. It took several years to really perfect this strategy. I graduated in 2009 and it was not until 2012 approximately that I added imaginative child activities to it. Now I can be in full control of my mind so long as I don't avoid my emotions. When I fight my emotions I lose control and I will zone out. I write what I write for a reason and my public dairy is an attempt to help people understand. Its not exactly something I can remove from myself without risking the possibility of dangerous thoughts.  

 

Promise By Black Gryph0n

 

Edited August 22, 2020 by LittlePebble10
clarity

[BeauJangles]

1 hour ago, LittlePebble10 said:

Thats interesting you should say, "retreating into imaginary." Its not that simple. The way my mind works; if I don't balance the two then my anxiety will drag me there.

Yes, brother... I understand. There's much depth here about you, though some of this confuses me. Still, aspects are comprehendible and I can relate to certain elements. It's spotty, not exactly as focused in what perspectives I'm hoping for, yet there are parallels here and there. You are art primarily and music secondarily if I am receiving you correctly. Is this right? 

I'm the reverse of this but have not pursued the artistic aspects preferring what came more easily and finding music more effortless. When things became overwhelming, it was the solace of music that I found comfort, peace, and protection from what troubled my heart. It would override the harsh realities. In delving deeper into this I didn't have to deal with the hurtful things. 

Yes, it was escape. And it worked time and time again. Other stories about other persons. Love and hope, lost love, sorrow and gladness, tears and joy. Anything to avoid facing what I was trying run away from. Music helped me in this aspect. Once the radio or record player was turned off though, what did I have left? Real in replacement of more favorable unending pathways to travel. There were no hills to climb. 

So, where do you find your peace, LittlePebble10?

Edited August 22, 2020 by BeauJangles

[BeauJangles]

8 hours ago, LittlePebble10 said:

You ever heard the song Here I am By Michael W. Smith?

Hey brother,

Yes. And I was a pretty big fan of some of the earlier music of Michael W. Smith. If you enjoy progressive styles, Smitty's The Big Picture (1985) was very edgy and more instrumentally oriented rock 'n' roll.

I liked it a lot. 

Here's something you expressed in a thread recently of an issue that perhaps may be misunderstood by some. I do understand it and will share a little bit of myself to you. There was something you felt lacking and that was why you couldn't feel free, or was it okay to embrace someone, but in a platonic way. Yes, you can and within a reasonable expectation it wasn't too close of a situation that may have led to thoughts of temptation. It's probably alright, but in a limited sense and not an extensiveness of a time setting.

The reason being, that lengthy sessions of embracing can and do tend towards it. The touch of another individual is a very close, personal, and an emotionally centered one. If it's a meaningful, it is charged with sensations that can go awry for anyone regardless of the situation. I believe you know what I'm referring to here. Friendship such as the one Jonathan and David was an intimate one, but completely non-sexual in any way. So, are your feelings wrong about this longing you expressed? No, not really. But, we need to know reasons for it. 

In my situation, I was missing a father, having been abandoned when I was beginning to grow into puberty. Already missing the companionship and wishes for an older brother was also in existence. The need for the essential leadership of not having a father or older influential type of person in my life left me open for obviously being a potential victim waiting to happen. A target you could say. I was young, mixed up already, and was at that point easily led to believe in anyone extending friendship and companionship to be trustworthy. 

But what happened as a result? I will say this. I was victimized and horribly taken advantage of. Perhaps I may have wanted all along was a loving and reassuring hug. I didn't get that. Do you understand what I'm saying here, brother? Right now, I see your heart and what needs is to be embraced as the Lord longs to do. And I'd give you a hug also because you probably do need one. Can you tell me what was it that happened, LittlePebble10? Did something occur that may have led to some kind of emotional trauma as it also did with me? 

I'm trying to reach you, my friend. Will you allow me to step into your circle? 

Shalom,

David/BeauJangles

P.S. If this is becoming very personal to you and you wish to be open and honest with me, or if you are more comfortable with messaging me privately on the matter, feel free to PM me. God bless you. 

Edited August 23, 2020 by BeauJangles

[Marathoner]

I've become acquainted with some of your contributions on the forum, @LittlePebble10.  I understand where you're coming from because I've walked in similar shoes. 

Imagination was a citadel against which nothing could prevail; it was a refuge from the anxiety which plagued my life. I isolated myself and spent countless hours sketching, writing, reading, and playing musical instruments. I engaged in world-building like mad, inventing histories, languages, and realities for the sake of my creations who seemed to possess lives of their own. Spinning a tale was all too easy because the stories wrote themselves. I was merely a witness recording what I saw and heard.  

I would "zone out" and lose track of time, devouring a few books or writing thousands of words in one sitting. This capacity to focus intensely is a characteristic of Autism Spectrum Disorder and this is where we're alike, Pebble. In my case, I was undiagnosed on account of how I presented to my parents, teachers, and peers during the days of my youth. During the late 1960's and early 1970's, above-average academic performance coupled with athletic talent (I excelled at athletics) weren't indicative of developmental disabilities in a child. Little did they know. No one grasped at the truth because I concealed it so well. Imagination and the capacity to focus like a fiend permitted me to cruise under their radar. 

By virtue of both I was empowered to forget about fear and anxiety for a time. In the "zone" I was effectively immune to things other people struggled against, including sensations of pain and hunger. I was oblivious to such things... such is the double-edged blade of autism, my friend. A disability will sometimes be revealed as a tremendous asset under certain circumstances.  My autism wasn't uncovered until I was closing in on my 50th birthday so I've had the benefit of experience where our curious brain structure is concerned. 

I bet you could dispense with many of the rituals you rely upon to cope with anxiety, like the pacifier. I understand why you need it, of course. What's the single greatest asset you have to work with, LittlePebble?

Your imagination!

 

Edited August 23, 2020 by Marathoner
typos

[LittlePebble10]

5 minutes ago, Marathoner said:

I've become acquainted with some of your contributions on the forum, @LittlePebble10.  I understand where you're coming from because I've walked in similar shoes. 

Imagination was a citadel against which nothing could prevail; it was a refuge from the anxiety which plagued my life. I isolated myself and spent countless hours sketching, writing, reading, and playing musical instruments. I engaged in world-building like mad, inventing histories, languages, and realities for the sake of my creations who seemed to possess lives of their own. Spinning a tale was all too easy because the stories wrote themselves. I was merely a witness recording what I saw and heard.  

I would "zone out" and lose track of time, devouring a few books or writing thousands of words in one sitting. This capacity to focus intensely is a characteristic of Autism Spectrum Disorder and this is where we're alike, Pebble. In my case, I was undiagnosed on account of how I presented to my parents, teachers, and peers during the days of my youth. During the late 1960's and early 1970's, above-average academic performance coupled with athletic talent (I excelled at athletics) weren't indicative of developmental disabilities in a child. Little did they know. No one grasped at the truth because I concealed it so well. Imagination and the capacity to focus like a fiend permitted me to cruise under their radar. 

By virtue of both I was empowered to forget about fear and anxiety for a time. In the "zone" I was effectively immune to things other people struggled against, including sensations of pain and hunger. I was oblivious to such things... such is the double-edged blade of autism, my friend. A disability will sometimes be revealed as a tremendous asset under certain circumstances, my friend.  My autism wasn't uncovered until I was closing in on my 50th birthday so I've had the benefit of experience where our curious brain structure is concerned. 

I bet you could dispense with many of the rituals you rely upon to cope with anxiety, like the pacifier. I understand why you need it, of course. What's the single greatest asset you have to work with, LittlePebble?

Your imagination!

Thanks! It has proven to be difficult for things like my drivers permit and license. I was scared to get my license for this reason. When I was a Teenager it was a required class to take in high school. However, I was not the only one who could not get a drivers permit. Needless to say I along with a couple others did not stay in that class for very long. We were still able to graduate thankfully. I am 29 and soon to be 30 next January 2021. My life is about 1/3 over and I don't have my license yet. Of course I say that as a joke. I am taking it slow with my permit so I can overcome this anxiety like I been talking about. I do want to at least try because I cannot reasonably get a job without it. I have several important people in my life expecting me to be able to drive some day. However, if I don't feel safe then I am not afraid to stand up for myself. Yet, another very important reason my website and book series is so important. It is my calling from God and no one has been able to prove me wrong on this. Even my parents tried to prove me wrong and eventually admitted that my writing was really deep. My father warned me to be careful who I share it with. For the record my father is sometimes brutally honest. He will tell it like it is. My father is very just, but fair. The most comical part of my life is when I moved out. I never agreed with him until I saw what life really was like. Now I agree with him on just about everything. We have our disagreements mind you, but now both my parents support my writing. It gets a little stressful sometimes because keeping a website up and going is not cheap. Especially when my electronics project is a semi-modular synth. A commercially made one can cost 2K USD. Several Christmas's in a row I got lab equipment. If I can get my license I hope to do stage equipment repair. Mostly audio, but I am not opposed to lighting and or computer tech stuff. My book series comes first though. 

[LittlePebble10]

Bump...

Just want to give this thread one last chance. Just to give a clear picture of my life situation I am on disability. I have to keep certain things on a need to know basis due to the resources I am working with. I am kind of risking things already with how transparent I am being with FFIC. My sleep patterns are critical to my mental state. If that gets messed up it does interfere with my medications. I am on very little, but it does not take a lot to mess things up. I suppose you can already tell with my posts and responses. I am really focusing on my self care because i do know that is central to fulfilling my calling. My availability is undesirable and I get screened out in just about every job application due to how my autism is hard to hide. Even if I wanted to hide it I will get no response after a job interview because of how the application will focus on characteristics of my disability and list me unfit for the job. As in, they side step the disability act. I failed higher education for this reason alone.

 

I am not asking for people to understand. If it helps, there are so many things I don't understand about how my mind works. All I know is how I can remain stable with what strategies I use. Without them I have and will lose what stability there is if I remove certain aspects of my coping. God told us to be faithful, but he did not ask us to be stupid about it. Just because its a life raft out of no where does not always mean God did not send it. I need all the help I can get for FFIC. You have my word that when it becomes commercial I will remove the link from the forum signatures of all the websites I am on. I do understand the rules. However, if anyone has the time right now I could really use the constructive criticism and not the unrighteousness judgment. Do not ask me to take a burden around my neck that you yourself may not even be able to lift.

 

Further references

Mathew 7

(1) Judge not

"Judge, but without the log sticking out your own eye" 

(15-20) Know them by their fruit)

"I will consider your critique with an eye for God and his word"

(12) Do unto others

"Specifically for me to accept constructive criticism. I will work with you."

Most importantly Acts 15

(10) A burden not even you could carry

(8 & 9) God purified them 

"Perhaps the reason I love pink is because of its metaphor for salvation. Jesus and his blood to be turned white. Pink for that in which I am still a work in progress"