Proper Boundaries With new Pastor...

[bornagain2011]

7 minutes ago, Paul James said:

A church pastor is the same as a school teacher.  They have a powerful position in the church or school.   When I trained as a teacher, we were told of the vital importance of maintaining a professional distance between us and our students.   I think the same should apply to church pastors and church members.

We were also trained not to be alone in a room with a male or female student.  If there is a complaint of impropriety, there is no defence and it remains the word of the teacher against the word of the student.  So when counselling a student, it is important to have another adult present so that in a situation where a complaint is made by a student, it can be refuted by the teacher and the other adult present.   I was accused in one school by a student who reckoned that I was leering at her in class (she was 12 years told), so I demanded the Principal to have another adult in my room when that student was present as part of her elective class, to keep me safe.

Unfortunately, there are many situations where a pastor has had an affair with a church member.  In one very large Charismatic church in a New Zealand city, the married pastor ran off with the church secretary,  Until then, he was viewed as one of the leading lights in the New Zealand Pentecostal and Charismatic movement.

If you need pastoral counselling, you would be safe by having the pastor's wife in attendance (unless she tends to gossip about clients in the church prayer meeting as has happened in a Charismatic church I once belonged to).  Alternatively having a trusted female friend, or your husband in attendance.  If your issue concerns your marriage and you wouldn't want your husband there, finding a Christian marriage counsellor would be your best bet.

If you feel you need better Bible knowledge, you could enroll in an on-line Bible College (I am the Oceanic Ambassador for Nations University (NU) and I thoroughly recommend it for doing one of its basic Bible courses.  I spent three years doing a Mastorate in Divinity and found it a wonderful journey with very supportive staff and student advisor).  You don't have to do anything academic if you don't wish that, but there are inexpensive basic Bible courses that will greatly benefit you.

Unfortunately, many church pastors have been well-trained in theology and divinity, but training in ethical relationships is neglected, especially for unmarried pastors.  The ministry can be very lonely for unmarried pastors, which opens him up to unethical contacts and relationships with female church members.  The role of not dating your workmates is a good rule for unmarried pastors.  If looking for a life-partner, it would be best to look outside of his church congregation so that no female members are "pressured" by the pastor's position of power into a relationship that may end up being a disaster for the church.   If the unmarried pastor is young, handsome and attractive to women and goes into a relationship with one young woman in the congregation, envy and jealousy are horrible things which can cause gossip and character assassination among the other young women.  Concerning this, the RCC ordination requirement that priests are celibate, except for those coming from other churches already married,  goes a long way to avoiding the problem because the priest is "unavailable" to the young women of the parish (although secret fornication is not unheard of, which is another issue).

So, my advice is to keep you and your marriage safe through wise conduct and good interpersonal strategies.

Thank you for your advice. The Pastor and I are both married and both in our 30's. He will not be counseling us at all. My husband and I agreed that if we ever need marriage counseling it will be with a marriage counselor.

I like how you compared Pastors to school teachers, that will help my brain to comprehend Pastor- member relationships better.

[appy]

10 minutes ago, bornagain2011 said:

A lot of my previous posts on this site

I responded to your posts in this thread only.  I have not even read other threads started by you. Or even other posts by you to other people outside of this one. 

[bornagain2011]

16 minutes ago, appy said:

I responded to your posts in this thread only.  I have not even read other threads started by you. Or even other posts by you to other people outside of this one. 

Okay thank you for clarifying.

My husband and I have been reading and talking about all of these responses.

Thank you for your wisdom and insight, we really appreciate it.

[appy]

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

My husband told me early on that I needed to be careful with Pastor because he can see that Pastor has an attraction to me, I saw it as well,

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

he looked down at his phone and swiped the call away. 

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

but Pastor's wife was also giving him the same talk my husband was giving me,

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

When my husband came back from their trip, he layed down some NEW boundaries, newer than the ones after my long talk with Pastor

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

This is the first time I have seen my husband this jelous, usually he couldn't care less, even when I was emotionally entangled with the previous guy, it was MY decision to leave the last church and to leave my job. Whatever Pastor and him talked about on their trip seemed to have an effect on my husband because now he is way more protective. 

On 3/7/2021 at 8:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

but I do believe he struggles with his eyes (I catch him looking at me a lot).

On 3/8/2021 at 12:09 PM, bornagain2011 said:

so she has to explain to him how things look to an outsider. I would never say this to her, but I was thinking that he is not as innocent as he seems

On 3/8/2021 at 12:09 PM, bornagain2011 said:

and he has even invited me to an evening bible study out of town

On 3/8/2021 at 12:09 PM, bornagain2011 said:

So he sends out signals of attraction,

On 3/8/2021 at 2:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

my husband and I made it a new rule that he will be with me while I clean the church

I went back through this thread and quoted from you all the above. Give what you have told us, in this thread more thought. This is definitely NOT a healthy pastor/church member relationship by either you or him by any standards.

Its also not a healthy friendship either. For this friendship so to speak is causing his wife and your husband to question the health and state of their marriages. And applying more boundaries between you and this current pastor far more than a healthy friendship would need. And their concerns are valid.

As has already been pointed out, him being a pastor does not give him special rights or privileges, where the opposite sex is concerned. A person may use all the right “God talk” and even make impressive speeches or prayers making them seem like a Godly person in the eyes of other people, and yet allows his or her flesh to rule him/her instead of the Holy Spirit.  Recall that King David was a very Godly man, a man after God's own heart; and yet he not only had an affair with another man's wife, but also murdered her husband to cover up his sin.   For months after the affair, he put on a facade until God sent Nathan to talk to him.

Having said all this, the situation is not all on him, for you have some responsibility for the current situation.

[Billiards Ball]

On 3/8/2021 at 9:58 AM, bornagain2011 said:

Pastor has been saying he wants us to share our burdens with one another, I told him that I don't think it's wise for people to share with the opposite sex what struggles or burdens they have because it could cause someone to stumble, he said God gave him very big shoulders to be able to handle anything I tell him, he said "you would be surprised at what I have heard and can handle". I made the mistake of opening up and telling him about my struggles at our old church, my recent mistakes, and why we came to the new one, I am afraid I might have caused him to stumble  .

I am also afraid he will not accept us not really talking to each other anymore. Yesterday he asked me how I was 3 times, and 2 of those times I was purposely cutting it short by needing to go do something else. The 3rd time was more in passing. He wants everyone to be able to talk to everyone. He is very friendly, open, and chatty. I am a little afraid of offending him by basically ignoring him. 

I know I can't take back all the careless words I said to him, but I can hold my tongue from now on and only talk to his wife about my personal life. I guess I just thought we were supposed to talk to our pastors about our personal lives. 

Thank 

Pastors should have open doors/assistants when counseling opposite-sex persons, pastors should allow women to handle women's sex issues and same for men. PERIOD end of story!

[bornagain2011]

5 hours ago, appy said:

I went back through this thread and quoted from you all the above. Give what you have told us, in this thread more thought. This is definitely NOT a healthy pastor/church member relationship by either you or him by any standards.

Its also not a healthy friendship either. For this friendship so to speak is causing his wife and your husband to question the health and state of their marriages. And applying more boundaries between you and this current pastor far more than a healthy friendship would need. And their concerns are valid.

As has already been pointed out, him being a pastor does not give him special rights or privileges, where the opposite sex is concerned. A person may use all the right “God talk” and even make impressive speeches or prayers making them seem like a Godly person in the eyes of other people, and yet allows his or her flesh to rule him/her instead of the Holy Spirit.  Recall that King David was a very Godly man, a man after God's own heart; and yet he not only had an affair with another man's wife, but also murdered her husband to cover up his sin.   For months after the affair, he put on a facade until God sent Nathan to talk to him.

Having said all this, the situation is not all on him, for you have some responsibility for the current situation.

Thank you for quoting all of those things I said, it helps me see it all at once. I talked to my husband some more yesterday about what they had discussed on their trip, apparently Pastor wouldn't admit to any struggles except pride and anger, but the way Pastor was acting on their trip and has acted around me was what made my husband want to put more distance between us. Pastor wasn't acting sinful on their trip, but he was acting dodgy with questions, and acting prideful. My husband opened up to him a little bit, so he was hoping Pastor would open up, but I told my husband maybe Pastor doesn't struggle as much as we think? My husband thinks it's the opposite, that pastor struggles more than most.

I accept responsibility for my actions, I acted careless and didn't have that proper wall up because I was not attracted to him, and I thought the boundaries could be a little looser because he is a Pastor. 

I kind of see the situation as this; we both acted careless, and now I have put distance between us so going forward in the future there won't be awkwardness or inappropriateness, and his wife and my husband won't have to worry about the state of the marriages. His wife and I are good friends, but I won't be good friends with the Pastor. I'm not friends with men.

Yesterday I texted with his wife a little bit just to let her know that my 3 kids and I had to go get covid tested because we are all sick, and they found that my 6 year old son has pneumonia. So unfortunately we weren't able to go to Wednesday evening youth group/adult bible study. Then at 9:30 last night Pastor called my husband to check up on me, I could hear them on the phone and my husband told me everything. Pastor didn't ask about our kids, or our son with pneumonia, he just asked questions about me and talked about me. 

After the phone call, my husband had to process it. It left him confused. But I suggested maybe Pastor was just checking in as a pastor worried about a congregant, sort of just making the rounds. My husband was a little upset that Pastor didn't ask about our children, but kept talking about me. I thought it was odd too, but I don't want to over think it because he was probably just trying to be a good Pastor.

Our son is doing a bit better, he has to do a breathing treatment which seems to help a lot. 

[bornagain2011]

10 hours ago, Josheb said:

?????

No one said you couldn't speak to a man (pastor or otherwise). Why are you trying to find caveats for the replies to this op? You asked us - everyone in the entire forum - what to do about your infidelity and Who me provided a very correct, very concise and succinct answer. The boundaries between you and this pastor are exactly those of any other man to whom your are not married. The pastor is not privileged to receive your attention and neither is he privileged to treat you in any familiar way beyond his role as a shepherd. Pay attention to what leah wrote. If you've found yourself in a congregation where the pastor is too familiar or otherwise disrespectful it does NOT matter how well he teaches. Boundaries are reciprocal. If he is too familiar with a parishioner..... he is not covering or loving his wife. One person with unhealthy boundaries doesn't have problems with another person with similar boundaries lapses. Those two people thrive on one another. One person with unhealthy boundaries gets checked by healthy-boundary people. 

Ravi Zacharias was a great apologist for Christianity. 

Turns out he was also very corrupt. 

Was he truly saved or a wolf in shepherd's clothing? I don't know but, according to you, you're two strikes for two swings finding pastors with whom healthy boundaries can be maintained.

 

I could post at quite some length on this. Not because of my tendency to be long-winded but because I work with infidelity and adultery every single work day. Half of all couples I see have been adulterous and another third have some other form of infidelity that doesn't involve sexual intercourse with another. When you go to church this Sunday (or Saturday) look around. A third of the couples have committed adultery. 80% of the men and a third of the women have viewed pornography. 

Do NOT be one of these people.  

Don't be a statistic. 

 

 

For the sake of brevity here is what you should do: 

1) pick up the books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage" both by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read them. Also get the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read it. Willard Harley has also written on the prevention of infidelity. Red these books with your husband. Build shared values, shared purpose, hared goals, shared boundaries with the man you presumably love. 

2) Get connected to other women.... A) Join a small group where the women actually share true. A study of God's word that is more than a social club. B) Develop a same-sex confidante; someone with home you can share your life, someone upon whom you can rely to speak truth to you, and with whom you can and will do the same. That will take time to find, time to kindle, and time to mature. Start now. 

3) See a counselor. A professional clinician of Christian faith. Boundaries matters are our thing . We've had women (and sometimes men) clients solicit us, wear provocative clothes, come to session with skirts on and panties off (sitting cross-legged on the sofa, and the once in a lifetime (if we're blessed it happens only once) woman who for some reason thinks it's okay to disrobe in the session. 

4) Start loving you husband more and better. Love is not just an intellectual idea, an oogie feeling in your chest, and a warm fuzzy emotion to indulge. It's not just an act of the will, either. Above all else love is a thing we do! If you're not doing love then you are not loving. 

 

Healthy boundaries begin with the ability to say, "No." The number one obstacle to applying boundaries is the fear of consequences. Do it any way. You are not free if you cannot say, "No." 

Stop over-spiritualizing and take responsibility for yourself. The more likely explanation is your flesh, not satan. Satan is a minion. What you're suggesting is satan is infecting and affecting that local body of Christ....

....all because you've got some porous boundaries. Stop blaming satan for your choices. Get your flesh in order and satan won't have fodder for temptation. 

James 1:13-16
"Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God"; for God cannot be tempted by evil, and He Himself does not tempt anyone.  But each one is tempted when he is carried away and enticed by his own lust.  Then when lust has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and when sin is accomplished, it brings forth death.  Do not be deceived, my beloved [sister]."

James 4:7-10
"Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded... Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you."

Satan can try all he likes. You are a daughter of The Most High God. 

Act like it. 

Folks here have offered many valuable replies. Accept and practice them. Add to them the following:

 

1) Do not share anything personal or marital with anyone your husband does not know about. 
2) Do not share marital content you do not have an agreement with your husband to share. If in doubt, ask, "Is it alright if I share      x     ?" 
3) Never be alone with someone of the opposite sex, especially not in any way that could risk your reputation, your spouse's reputation, or the other person's reputation. 

 

Does your husband know you're posting this op? Was it your intent to share your concerns with him? Was it your intent to share the replies with him? The word "marry" means to join. 

Think. 

In all likelihood folks have already begun to wonder about you. In all likelihood you do not want to be the object of gossip nor the person they'll make you out to be. You are not the only one with boundary lapses in that body of believers. That's not a likelihood; that's a fact. 

 

 

Most here will be or have been gentle and encouraging, maybe a little exhortatious with this op. I've been blunt. If this gets worse you'll end up spending much more time with someone like me and I am expensive. If the damage is too severe and proves irreparable you'll also end up spending hard-earned wealth on a lawyer, not just a clinician. Those guys are much more expensive than my ilk and behind that compassionate front many are lustily salivating for folks with "boundary issues."

Don't shoot the messenger because you don't like the way the message is delivered. 

Counselors and lawyers can be paid for out of your wallet. 

The price of a broken soul cannot be paid for so easily.

Two souls are even more costly and more difficult to amend. You will never be the same if this goes too far. With the right counsel you might be better than you have ever been but you will never be the same. So if you actually like you and you love your spouse then take the substance of your own op seriously. 

 

 

 

 

 

"The safest road to hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts."

-C. S. Lewis 

I don't know how to create separate quotes yet, so I will try to respond to each paragraph the best that I can.

"No one said you couldn't speak to a man (pastor or otherwise). Why are you trying to find caveats for the replies to this op? You asked us - everyone in the entire forum - what to do about your infidelity and Who me provided a very correct, very concise and succinct answer."

I wasn't trying to look for caveats or trying to be sneaky, I am honestly trying to learn and ask about different situations and scenarios. I am sorry if it came across differently.

"Boundaries are reciprocal. If he is too familiar with a parishioner..... he is not covering or loving his wife. One person with unhealthy boundaries doesn't have problems with another person with similar boundaries lapses. Those two people thrive on one another. One person with unhealthy boundaries gets checked by healthy-boundary people. "

I understand that. People with unhealthy boundaries are drawn towards others with unhealthy boundaries. This is why my boundaries are more solid now. But at the same time, I wasn't always talking to Pastor, sometimes we would talk (because he came up to me) and sometimes we wouldn't talk at all. It was mostly before/after the nightly prayer meetings where we would laugh and be more relaxed as a group. That's MOSTLY when he would act way more casual, but I still wouldn't categorize it as flirty.

I guess I am feeling a little defensive and I apologize, it feels like you see me as some flirty woman who hangs on the Pastor and bats her eyelashes at him, when it is not that way at all. My facial expressions and body language are very normal and not flirty at all, maybe when I used to laugh and joke with him it came across that way. I have studied body language so I know how to alter it. 

1) pick up the books "Boundaries" and "Boundaries in Marriage" both by Henry Cloud and John Townsend and read them. Also get the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and read it. Willard Harley has also written on the prevention of infidelity. Red these books with your husband. Build shared values, shared purpose, hared goals, shared boundaries with the man you presumably love. 

I have read Boundaries in Marriage years ago, and if I remember right they only devoted like 1 chapter to boundaries with opposite sex. I do enjoy the books Hedges, Every Man's Battle (and every woman's battle), and The Meaning Of Marriage. I will look into Not Just Friends. Thank you for the suggestions.

My husband and I have gotten a lot closer lately. And I have been more loving towards him. He has been reading all of these and knows everything I write. I don't hide anything from him. If there is something you want to say to him as well he will read it too.

Healthy boundaries begin with the ability to say, "No." The number one obstacle to applying boundaries is the fear of consequences. Do it any way. You are not free if you cannot say, "No." 

I need to keep working on this. I am always afraid of offending people and coming across as rude. I know this probably comes from my history of abuse and neglect, probably all of my hangups do. I have gotten a little better with it lately though.

Stop over-spiritualizing and take responsibility for yourself. The more likely explanation is your flesh, not satan. Satan is a minion. What you're suggesting is satan is infecting and affecting that local body of Christ....

....all because you've got some porous boundaries. Stop blaming satan for your choices. Get your flesh in order and satan won't have fodder for temptation.

I believe demons try to tempt us by whispering into our ears and trying to put thoughts into our heads, they know our weaknesses, but it is still OUR choice how we respond. I know when I am under demonic oppression because I start to have demonic nightmares and random dark thoughts plus depression, and my kids start to have nightmares as well. I used to be pretty deep into the occult before I became a believer, so I know that demons are very active in our lives. But the scripture does say that if we resist them they will leave. So when I am walking in the Light and having a closer relationship with God they leave me alone because I keep telling my thoughts no.

In all likelihood folks have already begun to wonder about you. In all likelihood you do not want to be the object of gossip nor the person they'll make you out to be. You are not the only one with boundary lapses in that body of believers. That's not a likelihood; that's a fact. 

I know (can sense) that at least two of the older men have wondered about me and have probably talked to Pastor about me. They are both men that Pastor confides in and they mentor him. They have watched us talk in the past. One of them is Pastor's father in law. I have a good relationship with his mother and father in law, but they are probably still keeping their eyes open.

I don't want to be seen as that kind of woman. There is another woman at church that I don't talk with very much anymore because she was acting very flirty with Pastor in an obvious way, and I don't want her setting her sights on my husband. I think someone has told her to calm herself because I don't see her and Pastor talk much anymore. 

 

I appreciate your honesty in your response. When you mentioned that some things were light and inconsequential and some were more serious, that's where I have a hard time, I personally can not tell what is serious and what isn't. At our previous church I tried several times over 5 years to talk to the Pastor's wife about the way a certain man was acting but she kept saying things like "oh that's probably nothing, don't over think things, he does that with everyone", EVEN when he once said in front of his wife "honey when you die I want a wife like her!" referring to me. EVERYTHING was downplayed, so I have a hard time believing what's real, I always tell myself that I am over analyzing and over thinking things because I am crazy. I can't grasp the concept that a man could be attracted to me or actually like me.

I do appreciate your post, and I am not upset or offended by it at all. I know I am also responsible for how things are because if I would've acted like I had a strong marriage and strong boundaries Pastor wouldn't have felt so comfortable to let his hair down with me. But I also don't like hiding my personality and being boring (I am not saying I want to be flirty), but I guess if I save all of that for female conversations I can still be myself. 

My husband works a rotating nightshift schedule, so he can only go with my to church every other Wednesday and every other Sunday. I have thought about only going when he can come with me, but I also don't want to miss out on the sermons or fellowship.

 

 

 

 

[bornagain2011]

1 hour ago, Josheb said:

Addendum: 

On top of the three boundaries I listed previously add this: realize that when you hear another person not doing those things you are witnessing another's porous boundaries. 

 

 

Walk 

Away. 

Be polite and respectful but wrap up the conversation and walk away or change the topic. Your goal isn't simply to identify  poor boundaries but to replace them with healthy alternatives. 

 

Boundaries must be firm but flexible. Boundaries that are rigid keep the problems within us and provide little freedom, truth, or healing. Boundaries that are too porous keep others visiting our problems upon us and, again, there is little freedom, truth, or healing. Boundaries teach us right and wrong but boundaries do not only teach us right from wrong. Boundaries form our identity. I know who I am and where I begin and where I end. I am not you and you am not me. I do not need to think the same way you think, feel the same way you feel or act the same way you act and I am not less because any difference and you are not less because of any difference. Being like everyone else in all ways is a good way to lose the self God gave you. 

Your name is written in the Lamb's book of life. 

For all eternity.

You know and are known by God and no one will ever be able to take that away from you. 

 

And part of that identity is as a married woman. A loving, devoted, faithful women who has pledged herself to one God and one man. A woman of impeccable character .

Hardest job known to humanity . 

Walk 

Away. 

Be polite and respectful but wrap up the conversation and walk away or change the topic. Your goal isn't simply to identify  poor boundaries but to replace them with healthy alternatives.

Okay, I can do this. Thank you for this advice. I won't feel rude, I will just politely cut it short and walk away. 

Boundaries must be firm but flexible. Boundaries that are rigid keep the problems within us and provide little freedom, truth, or healing.

This makes sense and explains why even when I have had very strict boundaries I would still struggle with rebellion, because my HEART wasn't changed, I had stopped doing the bad stuff without replacing it with the good stuff I needed to be doing like reading my bible daily, praying frequently, turning my heart back towards my spouse etc. So those strict boundaries were just a band aid. Even just creating lots of distraction and busyness in my life was still just a band aid effect and not addressing the root of the issue, which is my heart.

Why do I crave male attention and get bored easily?? I know it has something to do with my past, I had a lot of childhood abuse, and I didn't bond with a mother figure. It's a long story. I know only God can fill that void. If I don't change my heart I will keep making the same mistakes and sins over and over again.

Boundaries form our identity. I know who I am and where I begin and where I end. I am not you and you am not me. I do not need to think the same way you think, feel the same way you feel or act the same way you act and I am not less because any difference and you are not less because of any difference. Being like everyone else in all ways is a good way to lose the self God gave you. 

 

I have noticed that with this Pastor it seems that sometimes he thinks his way of thinking about something is the correct way, but at other times he seems humble and open to answers from others, for example he likes to talk to my husband about prophecy and ask my husband lots of questions like he really appreciates his wisdom on the topic. But, like I said before, sometimes he acts a little prideful about things. 

He also encourages unity within the church, which is good, but it seems like he wants us to be very open and vulnerable. We finished reading a book called Sticky Church, which talks about creating strong friendships and bonding within the church by having small groups composed of congregants with similar ages and similar seasons in life. In the groups we would discuss the sermon from Sunday and do a study about it, but over time our groups are supposed to bond and open up and share. Our groups would be together for years, and our children would grow up together. It would be a commitment, and it is supposed to create a strong unified church. 

But I have told Pastor that I don't think men should be sharing with women and visa versa, that some things are private. I'm not sure how much sharing he is wanting us to do. From what I have read about in the book these people in their groups discuss very personal things, like about their marriages to some degree.

My husband and I don't necessarily believe it is time for us to leave this church. I have been keeping a distance from Pastor, and if I keep doing this he will figure it out and follow suit, unless he really is pursuing or in his pride he says to himself "no one is going to tell me I can't talk to one of my congregants". If that is the case I will have to tell him something. 

I don't really sense the "fire" because like I've said before; sometimes we talk and say Hi, and sometimes he completely ignores me and shows no interest beyond looking at me across the room. And my husband and I think this is a learning experience for Pastor, and if he is a good godly man he will do the right thing.

My husband didn't really confront him about him being attracted to me or our casual conversations we had, he just said something about our long 2 hour talk was inappropriate, and that he wouldn't just go up to women and talk to them all the time, he doesn't talk to women. But I don't know what else was really said to Pastor in regards to how he acted with me or his intentions with me. My husband told me some of their conversation is private. My husband didn't outright tell Pastor to stop talking to me so much, or watch himself. So that's probably why after they came back from their trip Pastor still came up to me and showed me all the pictures and videos on his smartphone of their trip (to my husband's surprise). We might have to be more direct in the future. But I don't see anything wrong with a short conversation where he just asks me how my week was or things like that. I don't see that as crossing boundaries. If we are not even allowed to talk to each other at all we might as well go to another church. I know you aren't saying we can't talk to each other at all, but what I mean is if it comes to that.

I better get going for now. Thank you again for your replies. I downloaded that book Not Just Friends, so I will start reading that ASAP.

[JohnD]

On 3/7/2021 at 10:48 PM, bornagain2011 said:

This is really embarassing to post about this, escpecially since the reason we left our last church in November was because of an emotional affair starting to slowly develop on my part with another member there. We felt like in order to save our marriage we needed to leave that church and I also was felt led to leave my job because the man I had feelings for was always hovering outside of my workplace (long long story).

(snipped)

Let me give you an over all impression of your situation.  I too have been the victim of an overly eager individual (to put it mildly) and from what I sense from your explanation of your reaction to the emotional affair... you are doing as I did in the beginning (over reacting and being a bit paranoid). At least I was. And I learned to deal with it better by not being this way with anyone else. The one who was in the wrong is not going to continue to influence me in that way any longer ← is the determination I finally came to.

Not everyone who calls me "honey" is coming onto me (for example). This is just how some people speak. They call everyone that or "dear" or "sweetheart" or "bubba."

There have been folks who have stepped across the line, and I've learned to deal with it then and there promptly and decidedly. It's hard (or it used to be hard for me to snap back at these kinds of things... half the time I would try to deny it to myself "did she really say or do that?" "Am I just being paranoid?"

It's not like hitting the fire alarm, but you deal with it.

One lady asked if I would join her for coffee. I responded "My wife has made it pretty clear over the last 40 years, she's dead set against my dating other women."

She backed off. I'm sure it was more to test my faithfulness to my wife and marriage than her being interested in me. No matter.

According to my beloved Bride, women must deal with come ons hundreds of times more than men do.

If your new pastor was overly friendly, tell him you are uncomfortable with whatever. Don't apologize or anything. They are your boundaries which you have the right to have. If he's not up to anything nefarious he will understand and comply.

[JohnR7]

On 3/8/2021 at 2:31 PM, BK1110 said:

If anything the pastor should be MORE cautious

They are held to a higher standard. James 3:1 "Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly."