Feeling extremely bamboozled!

[Thewhitedove]

My relationship with my mother (non believer) has always been somewhat toxic and I have had problems individuating from her and establishing myself as an autonomous person in my own right. I had some therapy with a Christian counsellor last year which helped me to sort out my feelings and taught me some strategies to cope with any passive aggressive or odd behaviour on her part.

I live in a different country to her but keep in touch and I go home when I can. This has been difficult with Covid but when I was able to, I did, even when it meant costly Covid tests and quarantine etc. She hates that I live abroad even though myself, husband and children absolutely love where we live and have a great quality of life. My father and sibling are all alive and well so she isn't lonely, but she likes to stick the knife in about me abandoning my family when she can.

I am pregnant with my third child and my husband and I were not able to settle on a name even though I'm having the baby in 2 weeks. This has been really stressful especially as I outright rejected a lot of names because I knew my mother would not approve. I asked her opinion on a few that I really liked and when she said 'no', I forgot about the names.

Eventually 2 days ago, we found a name that my husband and I both really liked. I texted my mother and told her we had settled on a name and she said she liked it. I had already decided I was using it one way or another. Its a pretty name, more commonly used in the country we lived in but phonetically pronouncable in both English and the country we live in. Everyone we have told it to have agreed that it is lovely.

 

Today my mother phoned me to say that nobody in my home country us going to be able to say it. She made a big deal of saying the name wrong and getting mixed up. My dad in the background said he could say it fine. My mother kept mispronouncing it and making out that it was just too difficult to say. Then she asked what the middle name would be and I told her: it's another name from the country we live in that is pretty well known and which I told her about before. She pretended to stifle a laugh (as if it was so stupid) and just implied the whole name was a bit of a joke.

When she could see that I wasn't responding to these attempts to manipulate me, she said 'well Its a name from that country you live in and you never come to visit us anyway so it won't matter'. I completely ignored the comment but when I got off the phone I felt so upset.

I always try to honour my mother and father and am now really second guessing myself. This conversation happened an hour ago and I can't tell if I want to cry or vomit. I feel very upset and nauseous too, just thinking about how she tried to manipulate me and male me feel stupid, and when that didn't work she made a adorable passive aggressive comment to imply that I neglect my birth family. I know it probably seems like an innocuous comment but I feel very hurt.

When I was pregnant with my last child, I was actually living near her at the time and she verbally turned on me so viciously that I went into premature labour (no proof of this but I believe it to be true). 

I feel like I can't think straight, that I have gaslit, that I am stupid after all, and all the old wounds from our relationship are opening. I feel so vulnerable.

I need some Godly advice to help me to move forward. My husband has gone out, my kids are looking for my attention and I feel too upset and nauseated to respond. I am worried that this will tip me into some kind of depression as I feel such a disgusting mixture of guilt and the sense of being a bad daughter. I really feel like I'm going to throw up. Sorry for this ranting message; this is what happens when we have these interactions- I lose all sense of perspective and strength.

 

[ladypeartree]

 hugs may be what you need at the moment ... First no one is ever going to chose a name that suits everyone but IT IS YOUR CHILD AND YOUR CHOICE ( my first daughter was named Sian ..pronounced sharn . my mother in law insisted on calling her syian I ignored her and she stopped when she realised she was making herself sound stupid .My youngest daughter was named Bethan and as she was born on Christmas day you would not believe how many people actually thought it was Bethlehem  )

Only YOU can stop this behaviour by NOT allowing it to spoil your life. Ask yourself how your mother treated her mother ... was she a victim and wanting you to be the same or did she do as she wanted and is now refusing to allow you freedom ? Manipulative people will only win if YOU allow them to get to you . You can honour your parents without making your life and the lives of your husband and children miserable by listening to nastiness...pray for her as she sounds as if she is a very sad lady  but get on with living the life YOU have and honouring your parents by being the best parent you can be and God by doing what you think He wants for you and it sounds as if by being in a different country you have made a great start on that 

[Thewhitedove]

2 minutes ago, ladypeartree said:

 hugs may be what you need at the moment ... First no one is ever going to chose a name that suits everyone but IT IS YOUR CHILD AND YOUR CHOICE ( my first daughter was named Sian ..pronounced sharn . my mother in law insisted on calling her syian I ignored her and she stopped when she realised she was making herself sound stupid .My youngest daughter was named Bethan and as she was born on Christmas day you would not believe how many people actually thought it was Bethlehem  )

Only YOU can stop this behaviour by NOT allowing it to spoil your life. Ask yourself how your mother treated her mother ... was she a victim and wanting you to be the same or did she do as she wanted and is now refusing to allow you freedom ? Manipulative people will only win if YOU allow them to get to you . You can honour your parents without making your life and the lives of your husband and children miserable by listening to nastiness...pray for her as she sounds as if she is a very sad lady  but get on with living the life YOU have and honouring your parents by being the best parent you can be and God by doing what you think He wants for you and it sounds as if by being in a different country you have made a great start on that 

Thank you so much. I just had a huge cry and am waiting for the nausea to subside so I can go for a walk. My mother had a terrible relationship with her mother and also a pretty terrible childhood and some extremely tough times. Her life story is like something out of a book and by contrast mine has been full of fun and blessings. I pinch myself all the time as I really feel that I am living the dream. God has been so good to me.

Ultimately though, guilt is a huge trigger for me and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach today. She pulled the guilt card out when I wouldn't comply. It makes me feel that my very existence is to please her and I am not entitled to live life for myself, when the reality is that I am here on Earth to glorify God. I need to keep that in mind. 

Thank you again for replying 

[debrakay]

Relationships are so hard sometimes!  We all know this and have to learn how to deal with them or not.  Many times we can choose who we want in our lives but many times we can not as they are family.  I am an old lady now but in my early adult years my mom and I had a difficult relationship.  She was an only child so never had to deal with siblings.  Her mother was a registered nurse who had no compassion for her patients or her only daughter.  My mother and my grandmother later in life had an estranged relationship with no contact whatsoever.  So as I grew older I realized my mother had no way of knowing how to have a relationship with a daughter because she had none with her mother.  In having a daughter of my own I was able to see that a mother-daughter relationship would only work if we both kept trying.  In her younger adult years we had issues but we always took the extra time to talk and work things out.  There was one episode that took several years to work out!  But she and I are both believers that God will find a way when there seems to be no way.  

Each one of us at some point in our lives have to find a way to move on and grow in a relationship, make a decision to accept the relationship without any growth or give up on the relationship as it is really not a relationship at all.  My childhood family is one of those dysfunctional families.  Divorced parents.  Four sibling's with no contact between half of them.  I have one brother who speaks with me and a sister and brother that do not speak to me and this has been ongoing for over 25 years.  I have learned there is nothing I can do to change them and how they feel about me.  They are not believers so the only thing we actually have in common is blood.  It took me a long time to understand how Jesus felt when He went into His hometown and was turned away and run out.  He said to wipe the dust from your feet when you are not received speaking and healing in the name of the Father.   

It sounds like you have a beautiful happy family so my only advice is to focus on that and try your best not to let others control and manipulate your emotions.  God willing the years will pass, your family will grow in love and faith, and you will have broken the chain of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships in your family.  My daughter and I are now as tight as can be and she is like that with her three daughters.  God is good when we seek him and his loving ways and persevere. I will continue in prayer for you that you are blessed with peace and joy!  Congratulations on your new baby to come!!! 

[Thewhitedove]

38 minutes ago, debrakay said:

Relationships are so hard sometimes!  We all know this and have to learn how to deal with them or not.  Many times we can choose who we want in our lives but many times we can not as they are family.  I am an old lady now but in my early adult years my mom and I had a difficult relationship.  She was an only child so never had to deal with siblings.  Her mother was a registered nurse who had no compassion for her patients or her only daughter.  My mother and my grandmother later in life had an estranged relationship with no contact whatsoever.  So as I grew older I realized my mother had no way of knowing how to have a relationship with a daughter because she had none with her mother.  In having a daughter of my own I was able to see that a mother-daughter relationship would only work if we both kept trying.  In her younger adult years we had issues but we always took the extra time to talk and work things out.  There was one episode that took several years to work out!  But she and I are both believers that God will find a way when there seems to be no way.  

Each one of us at some point in our lives have to find a way to move on and grow in a relationship, make a decision to accept the relationship without any growth or give up on the relationship as it is really not a relationship at all.  My childhood family is one of those dysfunctional families.  Divorced parents.  Four sibling's with no contact between half of them.  I have one brother who speaks with me and a sister and brother that do not speak to me and this has been ongoing for over 25 years.  I have learned there is nothing I can do to change them and how they feel about me.  They are not believers so the only thing we actually have in common is blood.  It took me a long time to understand how Jesus felt when He went into His hometown and was turned away and run out.  He said to wipe the dust from your feet when you are not received speaking and healing in the name of the Father.   

It sounds like you have a beautiful happy family so my only advice is to focus on that and try your best not to let others control and manipulate your emotions.  God willing the years will pass, your family will grow in love and faith, and you will have broken the chain of unhealthy mother-daughter relationships in your family.  My daughter and I are now as tight as can be and she is like that with her three daughters.  God is good when we seek him and his loving ways and persevere. I will continue in prayer for you that you are blessed with peace and joy!  Congratulations on your new baby to come!!! 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for relating so well to me and my feelings. I'm so glad that your relationship with your daughter is so different and that you were able to break the cycle. I think I will be able to as well as I feel that while I'm far from perfect, I'm pretty self aware and a very functional, stable person. I cried so much earlier and my husband told me that I don't have to justify my existence to anyone. He isn't a believer but has lots of wisdom nonetheless. I'm feeling more inclided to pray for her this evening. Earlier today I felt like she deserved her fate as a non believer, and I told my husband I hated her. In my anger, my own kids were annoying me and I referred to my son using language I've not used since I got saved (out of my son's earshot but it was still awful of me). I need to repent for allowing myself to be dragged down too. I'm not perfect either. Thank you for your kind words. 

[Thewhitedove]

Guys I need help in how proceed with this. I feel like I don't want to talk to her and I know she will be sniffing around in the next few days trying to turn things on me. My flesh wants to ignore her or tell her she is an immature narcissistic but I know I have to forgive. I just don't know what that looks like. Our relationship is not strong enough for heart to hearts (she feels victimised when I air any grievances, no matter how diplomatic I try to be). I cannot be doing with the stress. I'm 9 months pregnant already stressed about giving birth in a foreign country especially during Covid. I just want to slap her. I'm not feeling very Christlike as you can probably tell. Help!

[Marilyn C]

16 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

 

Today my mother phoned me to say that nobody in my home country us going to be able to say it. She made a big deal of saying the name wrong and getting mixed up. My dad in the background said he could say it fine. My mother kept mispronouncing it and making out that it was just too difficult to say. Then she asked what the middle name would be and I told her: it's another name from the country we live in that is pretty well known and which I told her about before. She pretended to stifle a laugh (as if it was so stupid) and just implied the whole name was a bit of a joke.

When she could see that I wasn't responding to these attempts to manipulate me, she said 'well Its a name from that country you live in and you never come to visit us anyway so it won't matter'. I completely ignored the comment but when I got off the phone I felt so upset.

 

I feel like I can't think straight, that I have gaslit, that I am stupid after all, and all the old wounds from our relationship are opening. I feel so vulnerable.

I need some Godly advice to help me to move forward. My husband has gone out, my kids are looking for my attention and I feel too upset and nauseated to respond. I am worried that this will tip me into some kind of depression as I feel such a disgusting mixture of guilt and the sense of being a bad daughter. I really feel like I'm going to throw up. Sorry for this ranting message; this is what happens when we have these interactions- I lose all sense of perspective and strength.

 

Hi dove,

I so feel for you as it is a deep pain inside that gnaws away at you constantly, an open sore that never heals, and a heavy load of guilt to top it all off. Too heavy to bear and especially nasty as it stops you giving all your healthy emotions to your family. Everyone suffers. And we know that is from the enemy through the other peron.

So my suggestions are that you -

1. Honour your parents by (keeping) praying for them.

2. Have NO, NIL, NOTHING by phone. (don`t reward hurtful communication by letting them do it again and again. Honouring parents does NOT mean they can ring and download rubbish when they feel like it).

3. Write letters with general information and nothing personal. And if the other person communicates by mail then let your husband read it first and ONLY tell you what is necessary. Tear up the letter if hurtful and DON`T READ IT.` 

Your family - husband and children are your responsibility and that means healthy emotions. 

Praying, Marilyn. 

[Thewhitedove]

Thanks Marylon. Sounds like you can sadly empathise. We had gotten our relationship into a nice rhythm over the past year or so, but she clearly hasn't changed. Funnily enough, yesterday I had a real breakthrough in trusting God on a different matter and an hour later O got the phone call so I do wonder if it is an attack from the enemy. Am I a bad daughter? Using my skills of reasoning, in that everyone else in my zone (husband, children, friends, colleagues) all speak highly of me and describe me as caring and helpful, I cannot imagine that I would then be some kind of covert monster to my mother. My dad actually tells me what a joy I am all the time. Its just her. She is jealous of me. My dad never wanted to travel or do anything fun and my mum had a yearning to see the world and have some excitement all through my childhood and teens. Now I have married a man who loves adventure and has brought me a long for the ride and she hates it. Honestly, when I tell people from my home town what I am doing now (living abroad on a kind of working holiday) they are always so excited and happy for me. My life is beyond anything I could have wished for. My mother resents it and it hurts so much.

I'm going to keep praying for her.

Thank you.

[Who me]

18 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

I always try to honour my mother and father

This is a two way relationship. Parents are to lookout for, protect, encourage their children, not damage and confuse them.

 

May I surgest that you start writing letters to your Mother and stop using the phone.

that or be very straight with your mother.

That you will put the phone down if she is being negative about you etc

[Thewhitedove]

17 minutes ago, Who me said:

This is a two way relationship. Parents are to lookout for, protect, encourage their children, not damage and confuse them.

 

May I surgest that you start writing letters to your Mother and stop using the phone.

that or be very straight with your mother.

That you will put the phone down if she is being negative about you etc

We usually text which we can both handle. We normally dont talk on the phone. Ironically phonecalls trigger her as my grandparents used to call her to verbally abuse her far worse than how she speaks to me. I remember her coming off the phone in tears throughout my childhood and teens. 

You are right in what you say about confusing me. When she behaves like this, with the laughing and sniggering up her sleeve, I never know what to think or if I am overreacting except for something in my gut telling me something is wrong and I can't quite put my finger on it. Looking back, I did experience a lot of nausea in her company and its the toxic confusion making me doubt every aspect of myself. Yesterday I felt like vomiting all day. Sometimes I could feel her toxicity physically, almost like it was pinning me to thechair.

Obviously, she isn't all bad. She did her best in many ways and I did learn a lot of positive things from her too. I try not to rock the boat as much as I can, to bite my tongue, to let the moment pass etc especially as she is such a manipulator and I always come out of every confrontatiom as the bad guy.

For reference, I have lots of friends, some of whom I have had since childhood (without an angry word between us in those decades). I make friends easily and get on with everyone. I'm described as easy-going, calm, friendly etc. People like me and stick around as they get to know me. They stay in touch if one of us ever moves away. She has 0 friends. Not one. She falls out with everyone and it is always the other person's fault. This is again to explain that I have been very thoughtful as to how much the issue is actually me. I believe the patterns in people's lives are good indicators of their true nature. She always makes me feel that I am hard to get along with, hyper sensitive, cold and with no sense of humour. The patterns in my life show the opposite. It's so frustrating that this person who is supposed to want to protect me and see the best in me, is always ready to stick a knife in my back and is the first person to condemn me.