The Christian life is hard

[Thewhitedove]

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

[RdJ]

Bitter resentful unforgiving? Sounds like you have to chose to forgive someone. When I divorced I was full of hate. He legally stole my kids. I hated that judge even more. If you hate your brother you're in darkness. I don't even think I was saved anymore. I had to forgive, but I couldn't. But I knew Corrie ten Boom and she could not forgive the Nazi from the concentration camp where her sister died. Will you forgive me Fraulein ten Boom? Watch her testimony on youtube. She could not. He was one of the cruellest. But she had to, so she chose to. That's the only thing you have to do. Say you chose to forgive everyone who has wronged you and ask God to do it in you and every time hurt comes or thoughts from the past, just say that again and let Him do it.

[Thewhitedove]

2 minutes ago, Renskedejonge said:

Bitter resentful unforgiving? Sounds like you have to chose to forgive someone. When I divorced I was full of hate. He legally stole my kids. I hated that judge even more. If you hate your brother you're in darkness. I don't even think I was saved anymore. I had to forgive, but I couldn't. But I knew Corrie ten Boom and she could not forgive the Nazi from the concentration camp where her sister died. Will you forgive me Fraulein ten Boom? Watch her testimony on youtube. She could not. He was one of the cruellest. But she had to, so she chose to. That's the only thing you have to do. Say you chose to forgive everyone who has wronged you and ask God to do it in you and every time hurt comes or thoughts from the past, just say that again and let Him do it.

I have a situation in my life where I keep forgiving the same person over and over. I keep having memories and have to keep forgiving each one. If our relationship was over I could look back and forgive her and move on, but I have a low contact relationship with her and there is always something that she does and I have to go through the process again. I watched Corrie Ten Boom a few weeks ago and she was an amazing lady. It has been an ongoing process. About 6 months ago, someone else treated me badly and honestly, I feel like I've used up all of my forgiveness on the other person. I just cannot dig deeply enough. I keep making the decision to forgive the second person and to let it go, again and again and I just don't have the strength. The second person reinforced the sense of unworthiness that the first person caused me through my life and together, these two people were too many to properly forgive. I keep trying to let go and make that choice! Really! It's so, so tiring. 

[Thewhitedove]

Also, it's easier to forgive someone who had repented and asked for mercy AND who has turned to Christ, as that soldier had done. 

[D. Adrien]

17 minutes ago, Thewhitedove said:

Also, it's easier to forgive someone who had repented and asked for mercy AND who has turned to Christ, as that soldier had done. 

Forgiving someone doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat. Set boundaries to protect yourself from abuse. Inform the person that you do forgive and in so doing you expect a  certain manner of behavior moving forward that enables you both to be civil.

2Tim. 3:1-5 (ESV)

1But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

It is the doers of the word that are justified. Try sincerely to apply the beatitudes in life.

Unrepentant sin will put a separation between you and God. Isa 59. 

Do not despair and take each day as it comes. I'll pray for you.

[RdJ]

1 hour ago, Thewhitedove said:

Also, it's easier to forgive someone who had repented and asked for mercy AND who has turned to Christ, as that soldier had done. 

Yes. Some people who were totally not sorry took me longer to forgive. I had to keep saying I choose to forgive them and I had to distance myself and my kids. My ex said he was sorry. His sister helped him and years later when we were coparinting like friends she tried to put a knife in my back again. But how I do it then is just think: Do I hate this person so much that I want em to go to hell? No. Then I may as well just forgive them. And she was beaten up and abused by her parents as a kid, so then I get more empathy. My parents were sweet and normal.

[RdJ]

1 hour ago, Thewhitedove said:

The second person reinforced the sense of unworthiness that the first person caused me through my life and together, these two people were too many to properly forgive. I keep trying to let go and make that choice! Really! It's so, so tiring. 

Sounds like you need inner healing. One sociopath accused me of things. When I was younger it would have upset me. But now that I was healed up it didn't affect me anymore.

Just stay out of their way and protect yourself.

My neighbour from upstairs, I don't hate her and pray she gets saved, but when she's in the elevator I don't step in anymore.

 

Unworthiness? That's satan using these women. Oh that also helps. See who's behind it. That's the one who's not worthy.

Edited February 11 by Renskedejonge

[Ani Tefillah]

4 hours ago, Thewhitedove said:

And I don't even have it hard!

I believe that I am saved because I believe that Jesus died for my sins and that he is Lord. I believe the Bible is true, but my heart had barely changed. I am still the same bitter, resentful, unforgiving, anxious person as before. My heart is hard.

God has blessed me with an amazing life, great husband (unsaved but doesn't make things hard for me), 3 beautiful children, a great job,good health, talents. I have it all, but I've no peace. I've no joy. My life as a Christian feels cold and empty. I don't have a church which doesn't help, but I'm working on that.

So cognitively,intellectually, I know that Jesus is the only waY, but there is no emotion attached to it. It feels almost like a ball and chain around my neck; I know the truth and can't unknow it so Im stuck with it. That's how it feels. Everything feels like a cliché.

'It's not about emotions'. OK, maybe but why do we have them, and it feels like a dry, depressing experience to chug along like a robot. This has been my default lately. 

'You need to give thanks and worship'. OK, but when I do, nothing genuine comes out. It leaves me even colder.

'Ask God to change your heart'. I've been doing that for years. I'm still hard inside.

'Repent' I have done, several times.

'Get deliverence' i have prayed so many prayers to close any demonic doors and on the outside, my life is squeaky clean. The inside is still decrepit.

'Talk to an elder'. I spoke to my old pastor who told me to just focus on Jesus. Jesus seems far away from me. 

'Spend more time in the Word'. I read a little every day and it's all I can stomach. 

To be honest, it all feels like something from Alice in Wonderland. One riddle after the other, one hoop to jump through after another. People keep saying how it's not works based, how Jesus did the work and that the Holy Spirit changes us.

He hasn't changed me much. All I do is wrestle and wrestle and wrestle with my inner being, all the time. I am EXHAUSTED.  I have been thinking about just walking away and living my life as I want. I desperately seek God's face and have been doing so since I got saved, and it's a constant radio silence. 

As I've said before, my earthly father is so loving and makes such an effort to tell me he loves me and show me he cares about me. He didn't just write me a book when I was born and go off and then tell me to look read it to get to know him, and then watch me on CCTV. And if I constantly cried out on the CCTV for him to get in touch in a way that felt real to me, that I could feel and understand, my biological father would do what I asked.

'Prayer isn't about getting what you want, it's about a relationship with God'. What relationship!!!!???? I feel.like I'm always getting scraps that just keep me going through each day and I have to try to talk myself into staying faithful.

I want to walk away. How can I spread the Gospel or share the good news when I feel so depleted. I've been a Christian for 5 years and am still on milk. Raising my kids Christian feels like a burden, not a privilege. I feel so ill equipped. 

I am SICK, SICK, SICK of all of the platitudes. Will someone just be honest with me and stop pulling out the 'trust God' tropes. I believe in Him, but I don't know Him. I keep asking and asking g to know Him and it all seems to be on me and I can't figure it out. I'm crying as I write this as I'm just so depleted. I'm sorry, but I need something supernatural from Him. 

 

Who are you, God? Who am I to you? Why won't you reach out to me, into my heart? Change me? I'm so empty. 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Praying 🙏🏽 for you here. Here's my testimony poem, if it can encourage you.... 

My testimony. 

 

"Today is the day of salvation!"

I got this Divine information,

while participating in a service

as a young woman of age,

when I still was in the adversary's cage.

 

The preacher called us forward,

to repent and receive the Lord,

but I sat there as a coward,

didn't dare to get on board!

 

Suddenly, these words he did share,

"There's a young woman here,

which desires to come forward,

but you do not dare.

Come now, and let the Lord come in, so He finally can remove your sin! It is in His loving will, so His plan for you He may fulfill."

 

Immediately, I knew it was to me,

and at this time I was very shy, you see. But I just felt a Divine power and boldness, urging me up and forward, overcoming my cowardness!

 

That glorious even, I invited

The Lord into my heart, and He has promised to never be apart. 

He filled me with His marvelous peace, so that all the fear within me had to cease. 

 

Some time after this, I did realize, 

that in The Holy Spirit I should baptize; receive His power into my life, so I not in my own strength had to strife. 

 

One even in prayer I sat, I considered that it all for me was pat. 

So I started to thank Him that He had given it to me, 

before it had come to be. 

 

Suddenly a new language I felt inside of me, urging me to let it free. So I opened my mouth and let it come out! 

Oh, such glorious release, full of His love, joy and peace! 

At last, bornagain I had became ;

a new creation in the Lord, 

never again the same! 

I felt so vividly alive then, 

just as a brand new woman. 

 

Was it really so simple? I recall;

it is amazing Grace above all!

 

[Thewhitedove]

13 minutes ago, Ani Tefillah said:

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Praying 🙏🏽 for you here. Here's my testimony poem, if it can encourage you.... 

My testimony. 

 

"Today is the day of salvation!"

I got this Divine information,

while participating in a service

as a young woman of age,

when I still was in the adversary's cage.

 

The preacher called us forward,

to repent and receive the Lord,

but I sat there as a coward,

didn't dare to get on board!

 

Suddenly, these words he did share,

"There's a young woman here,

which desires to come forward,

but you do not dare.

Come now, and let the Lord come in, so He finally can remove your sin! It is in His loving will, so His plan for you He may fulfill."

 

Immediately, I knew it was to me,

and at this time I was very shy, you see. But I just felt a Divine power and boldness, urging me up and forward, overcoming my cowardness!

 

That glorious even, I invited

The Lord into my heart, and He has promised to never be apart. 

He filled me with His marvelous peace, so that all the fear within me had to cease. 

 

Some time after this, I did realize, 

that in The Holy Spirit I should baptize; receive His power into my life, so I not in my own strength had to strife. 

 

One even in prayer I sat, I considered that it all for me was pat. 

So I started to thank Him that He had given it to me, 

before it had come to be. 

 

Suddenly a new language I felt inside of me, urging me to let it free. So I opened my mouth and let it come out! 

Oh, such glorious release, full of His love, joy and peace! 

At last, bornagain I had became ;

a new creation in the Lord, 

never again the same! 

I felt so vividly alive then, 

just as a brand new woman. 

 

Was it really so simple? I recall;

it is amazing Grace above all!

 

This is what I've been praying for and it hasn't happened.

[RdJ]

39 minutes ago, Thewhitedove said:

This is what I've been praying for and it hasn't happened.

There was a guy on christian forums years ago. He had been a pastor. But he was addicted to porn for 38 years and he tried everything to get rid of it, fasting, praying, nothing worked. Eventually he gave up. And then God said: With this My son I am well pleased. I knew all along you couldn't do it. Have you ever confessed Romans 6 I think it was or Galatians 2:22. He had to confess that he died with Christ and that Christ lives in him. And then he was instantly set free. I thought it was an awesome testimony. I had other problems, but that works with everything. Can't say I immediately got an experience like that too, but I started to confess it to get victory and to also change your mind, thoughts. There's also lists of Bible texts you can confess of who you are in Christ. Neil Anderson has one. If you keep confessing and hearing it you start to believe it instead of satan's lies that you're not good enough. He sent His Word and healed them.

Edited February 11 by Renskedejonge