struggles

[DaniJ87]

I feel so fake. My life seems so confused, and I don't know which way is up. I know all of the right answers... so why can't I manage to use them in my own life?

I try so hard- to act like everything is all right- when it's not. I don't want anyone to know how I really feel. I am so confused. Every time I do something wrong, I start questioning my salvation.... can I really be a Christian when I do this so much??? Do I only question because my faith is not real?

Do I WANT it to be real? I think so- but I don't want what comes with it- an admission of being fake. I don't want to let people know that I'm not already saved... If it isn't real, would I be able to go through with admitting it, and losing my current status? If it isn't real, and I admit it, I can't teach in a sunday-school class... I can't do ministry like that... because "if you just got saved, you're not mature enough.."

I am doubting my salvation severely, and I have come to the point that I'm not sure I am saved at all. I feel like I am being held back by my pride, and my desire for people to treat me a certain way. I am afraid that if I admit that I am NOT a Christian, (which I am not sure is true) that people would treat me in a different way. If I "got saved" now, I would lose my status... I would have to get baptized again... I would not be able to work in things as much, because I am not as "mature" a christian. I am worried that I couldn't let go of my pride completely- and that I would be unable to get out of the trap that I am in now. I don't know if I trust God enough to pull me out of it. I don't want to tell this to people, because I have such head knowledge. I have all the answers... but they don't work for me. it's like I'm broken.

I wish I could just bare my soul, and wait to be fixed... but I am too proud for that.. I think. I hope not. But what would my pastor think if I told him all of this? That I was probably lying to him when I gave my testimony for the deacons, and then for the whole church, in Hillsdale? That I didn't get saved at camp? That I didn't get saved at home in bed with my daddy talking to me?

the thing with my daddy- it as purely to escape hell. I was told that if I asked Jesus to come and live in my heart, that I wouldn't go to hell. and that if I didn't, I would burn forever in the lake of fire.

while this is true, it was my only understanding of salvation. Later, I gained more knowledge- but with that little bit, was it enough for salvation? I was excited afterwards... but was that only because I wasn't going to hell, or because I had something in common with the people at church? or was it real, authentic joy?

I know I cannot blame my issues on anyone but myself- but it is so easy to blame those around me... especially my grandparents... they were always pressuring me to get baptized.... when the real reason that I hadn't, wasn't because I was afraid of the pastor... but because I was in doubt. But I went through with the baptism- saying a quick prayer for salvation, before I walked into the water.

when shall I be alive again?

am I really dead? or am I just fainted? Am I really unsaved? or am I just far away from God? Is it my fault for not reading the Bible? or is it my fault, for being prideful, and never really meaning my prayers? Am I simply untrusting?

I wish I had a camera to take a picture of my soul with- so that I could just hand it over... and have a spiritual surgeon who could just pull out all of my bad parts and replace them with good...

I actually do have one- His name is Jesus. It's different, though... it takes work to let him perform HIS "heart surgery".

it could be painful, too.

but what I do right now is painful. To the being that created me, and the rest of the universe.

I keep neglecting my bible... can I be a Christian if I don't read my bible? Why wouldn't I read it, if I was a Christian?

Does head knowledge count for anything? If I get the right message into my heart, can I just "upgrade"- and automatically move all of that head knowledge to be used in my heart?

I wish I could answer all my questions without a doubt.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this... but if I ever let on, how would people start treating me?

"so with a painted grin;

I'll play the part again;

so everyone will see me;

the way that I see them!"

"would it set me free;

if I dared to let you see;

the truth behind the person;

you've imagined me to be!;

Would your arms be open-

or would you walk away;

would the love of Jesus;

be enough to make you stay?"

(Casting Crowns- "Stained Glass Masquerade")

[ezekielsdreams]

hi dan if you want to talk pm me and we can get together.

You are probly saved that feeling is shame and thats a good thing even though it makes you feel bad it is the holy spirt saying this is wrong. Though i know not what is wrong what sin of ours do you hold so high. They most likeing won't take away sunday school from you there are so few people willing to work. It's a hard thing being alone thinking about how terable you are and it dosen't help that when you start thinking that way there is a demon there to agree with you. Rember that god made you and loves you there is no evil or ugly thing that could make him stop loving you you just have to fess up what you do and think is wrong (extremly hard) ask to be forgin and forgive your self (the hardest thing there is)

[InternalFlame]

I can bet that most Christians go through this at some point in their lives - often more than once. I know I did, just a few years ago. I went through a time where I realized that I was just wearing a mask, and playing along with the "God game" that I really wasn't participateing in the Lord's work. I was wracked with doubts every night. For every person, what gets them past this is usually different - for me, it was that I realized that I could trust God, that he was there for me, and that if my thoughts dwelled on him more and if I started learning about him my life would begin to pull itself together-and it did. I started listening for what God was telling me, and now I'm writing worship songs, and volunteering! Let me tell you though, I got baptized again (the first time was when I was a baby) and no one ever treated me differently, even though I had been going to the church for a few months and they all knew me.

I have to say that beleiveing in Jesus because you are afriad to go to hell is rather common. A lot of churches press that point after all - the "beleive in Jesus or else" shtick. It's not the best approach, but one of the most popular. The best way to know if it's just fear that guides your beleif or if it is cemented in something real is to search your heart. I searched my heart for a while, searched for love of Jesus. I thought of all he did for me, all he had been through with me, and I found that the love was there. There is no mistakeing that when you find it.

You are not dead. You may be drifting from God, and it is very obvious you are getting some major interference from the devil - with doubts and so on. I know what it looks like because the devil's faveortie weapon against me is doubt!

We can't take the bad parts out - we have to acknowlege that they are there, and try to improve ourselves

The Bible is a very important tool. I found that when I read it that I felt closer to God, especially when I would go to a certain passage and see God speaking to me....like if I was angry at someone for no good reason I would flip to a page about fools and their anger! Christians read the Bible for two reasons: one, to learn more about God, and Two: as a tool for God to speak to them.

Heart knowlege comes with pain and experience You are going through such a time, and you can learn a lot from this if you trust God with it.

My advice to you is to seriously look inside yourself. Ask God to tell you what is going on, and read the Bible to see if he will give you answers there - and keep watch the things that happen around you - those coincidences? No such thing...they always mean something...like the fact that I would go here right before I go to bed just because I had a feeling, and find someone who needs advice who is in a situation that I was in not long ago...not just a coincidence.

Do talk to other people about it - trust me, they won't think you are weird or think of you badly, if they really care about you. After all, your pastor, and your parents want you to be close to God, I'm sure they will help in any way they can :-). They were probably where you are at some point in their lives too - and everyone knows that the late teen years are the years where people really start to define themselves...so this is normal. You want to define yourself, you are not sure you are who you thought, you question...but you will find answers. Define yourself with God, seek him, and he will be found.

I know you have an earnest desire for this, otherwise this wouldn't bother you. Use that earnestness to pray to God...

If you want to talk to me, or anyone else here go on the live chat at night, I know I am always willing to lend a listening ear :-)

[Bolts]

Hi Dani

It concerns me that you are so down on yourself like this. Romans 8:1&2 tells us:

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.

The law is spiritual. and we can be unspiritual, behaving as though we are sold as slaves to sin. For what we want to do, we do not do, but what we hate - we do. We have the desire to do what is good, but cannot always carry it out.

There are two things at work here. I am pleased that you can see it. Don't beat yourself up about it, instead learn from it and understand what is going on.

[kodischild]

Lots of people go through this at your age. I know I've gone through it several times in my life. You are not weird or anything else. In fact, it may be a good thing. YOu are questioning where you are at and how to get better, so you are in a time of potential growth.

You can always ask God again to be Lord of your life. He and I have that conversation often because while I believe I don't always acknowledge His Lordship. Sometimes I want to run my own life. You can ask Him back into your life and back into control of your life by yourself and not even have a conversation with your pastor about it. It is a personal thing. Though if you are having serious questions it might be a good idea to talk to a trusted adult.

Your Christian walk is a relationship or a journey. Maybe the first time you asked God into your life it was so you wouldn't go to hell. No problem with that. Now you have matured and you can ask Him to stay near you because you love Him and not out of fear. It doesn't invalidate the first time you asked, but maybe it strengthens the relationship with God and takes you to a new level. Well, that is how I see it.

[yomotalking]

I feel so fake. My life seems so confused, and I don't know which way is up. I know all of the right answers... so why can't I manage to use them in my own life?

I try so hard- to act like everything is all right- when it's not. I don't want anyone to know how I really feel. I am so confused. Every time I do something wrong, I start questioning my salvation.... can I really be a Christian when I do this so much??? Do I only question because my faith is not real?

Do I WANT it to be real? I think so- but I don't want what comes with it- an admission of being fake. I don't want to let people know that I'm not already saved... If it isn't real, would I be able to go through with admitting it, and losing my current status? If it isn't real, and I admit it, I can't teach in a sunday-school class... I can't do ministry like that... because "if you just got saved, you're not mature enough.."

I am doubting my salvation severely, and I have come to the point that I'm not sure I am saved at all. I feel like I am being held back by my pride, and my desire for people to treat me a certain way. I am afraid that if I admit that I am NOT a Christian, (which I am not sure is true) that people would treat me in a different way. If I "got saved" now, I would lose my status... I would have to get baptized again... I would not be able to work in things as much, because I am not as "mature" a christian. I am worried that I couldn't let go of my pride completely- and that I would be unable to get out of the trap that I am in now. I don't know if I trust God enough to pull me out of it. I don't want to tell this to people, because I have such head knowledge. I have all the answers... but they don't work for me. it's like I'm broken.

I wish I could just bare my soul, and wait to be fixed... but I am too proud for that.. I think. I hope not. But what would my pastor think if I told him all of this? That I was probably lying to him when I gave my testimony for the deacons, and then for the whole church, in Hillsdale? That I didn't get saved at camp? That I didn't get saved at home in bed with my daddy talking to me?

the thing with my daddy- it as purely to escape hell. I was told that if I asked Jesus to come and live in my heart, that I wouldn't go to hell. and that if I didn't, I would burn forever in the lake of fire.

while this is true, it was my only understanding of salvation. Later, I gained more knowledge- but with that little bit, was it enough for salvation? I was excited afterwards... but was that only because I wasn't going to hell, or because I had something in common with the people at church? or was it real, authentic joy?

I know I cannot blame my issues on anyone but myself- but it is so easy to blame those around me... especially my grandparents... they were always pressuring me to get baptized.... when the real reason that I hadn't, wasn't because I was afraid of the pastor... but because I was in doubt. But I went through with the baptism- saying a quick prayer for salvation, before I walked into the water.

when shall I be alive again?

am I really dead? or am I just fainted? Am I really unsaved? or am I just far away from God? Is it my fault for not reading the Bible? or is it my fault, for being prideful, and never really meaning my prayers? Am I simply untrusting?

I wish I had a camera to take a picture of my soul with- so that I could just hand it over... and have a spiritual surgeon who could just pull out all of my bad parts and replace them with good...

I actually do have one- His name is Jesus. It's different, though... it takes work to let him perform HIS "heart surgery".

it could be painful, too.

but what I do right now is painful. To the being that created me, and the rest of the universe.

I keep neglecting my bible... can I be a Christian if I don't read my bible? Why wouldn't I read it, if I was a Christian?

Does head knowledge count for anything? If I get the right message into my heart, can I just "upgrade"- and automatically move all of that head knowledge to be used in my heart?

I wish I could answer all my questions without a doubt.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this... but if I ever let on, how would people start treating me?

"so with a painted grin;

I'll play the part again;

so everyone will see me;

the way that I see them!"

"would it set me free;

if I dared to let you see;

the truth behind the person;

you've imagined me to be!;

Would your arms be open-

or would you walk away;

would the love of Jesus;

be enough to make you stay?"

(Casting Crowns- "Stained Glass Masquerade")

It's amazing how simiulair we are, Dani.....................I feel like that.........