My Father & I

[mrcorey]

My father & I didn't get along very well. First, I am the only one in the family with blue eyes. So my father used to say I wasn't his. As a little boy, I was used by my father as an excuse. He used to take me with him to his girlfriends house. I hated it because he left me with that old man {probably the woman's father}. But what I loved about it was that it was our little secret. I tried over the years to get close to him but nothing worked. As I have said before, I am an ex-gay man. My family doesn't/didn't know. But I attribute the homosexuality to my lack of relationship with my father. I turned to gay lust to satisfy my needs for a man {my father}. I always dated men that were older than me, sort of substituting for his love and acceptance. I remember my father asking me once as a little kid, to sit and watch a baseball game with him. I said no, I prefer to be outside swimming. It seems to me that's when our relationship really went south. When he and my mom got divorced, I didn't see him for 3 years. Not once.

His hangout was the bowling alley. And if I wanted to see him, we would only meet up at the bowling alley. If I didn't go there, I didn't get to see him. When I was old enough to drink, we would go into the lounge at the bowling alley. He didn't like the fact that I didn't like beer, so I'd have a Whiskey Sour. He would rag on me about that {real men drink beer}.

Now lets jump ahead to three years ago. My father was terminally ill. I figured I'd give it one last try to make our relationship worth it. So, I asked him if he wanted me to take him to church. He agreed. We went every week. Then after church we would go out to breakfast. We learned a lot over the last year, and during our breakfast time, we both appologized for such a ratty relationship.

The last year of his life was the best year I ever had with the man. When the time was near to his death, I took time off from work to spend it with my father. My request to God was that I wanted to be alone with my father when he died. God granted me this wish. I was sitting on the floor holding his hand when he past away.

While the memories of growing up are not so good. I have to Thank God for that last year of my father's life. We could never make up for what we lost. But I was very blessed of God to give me that last year with him.

My point is, it's worth trying everything you can to make your relationship work, father-son, mother-daughter, etc. Because once s/he dies, that's it, there are no more chances for a close relationship. Don't wait for him/her to get a death sentence before you give up trying. Even if it means to swallow your pride.

in Him;

corey

[chicagoburbite]

Amen!! Thank you for sharing your story, and for encouraging all of us to mend broken or strained relationships.

God bless Bro,

Jenni

[Avodah]

Amen!

My father and I didn't speak for 4 years, but the last 2 weeks of his life we caught up on a lifetime. The last week of his life it was him and I in the room 24/7 and I am glad I was the one to be there. Don't let someone you love pass away without them knowing you love them.