what to do?

[princess_childofthekingofkings]

alright, like, by best friend, Kelly, is dating this guy named Travis. They've been dating for about 6 or 7 months now. and this guy is sooooo not good for anyone to be dating. much less a girl like Kelly. almost immediately after they started dating he was trying to get her to have sex with him. and she told him she didn't want to and he said ok and he'd respect that. But then later on he was right back to trying to get in her pants. so that whole getting and losing his respect process has repeated like a hundred times. but there's still more. After maybe 2 months of dating, she listened to me and all the rest of her friends who were saying she needed to break up with and so she tried. But he told her that he loved her soooo much and would kill himself if she seriously broke up with him. so naturally, she didn't take the risk of being the reason he takes his own life. AFTER 2 MONTHS OF DATING HE SAID HE'D KILL HIMSELF IF HE LOST HER??? and not to mention that my friends have seen him yell at her and push her into a wall. AND he BURNED a K into his arm. that's just creepy. and one time a girl messaged her on myspace asking if she was still dating travis and kelly said yes and asked why, and the girl said because travis was trying to get her to date him! and the girl forwarded the messages to Kelly and they said things like:

Travis: will you go out with me?

Dez (the girl): aren't you still dating that kelly girl?

Travis: no. we broke up a while ago

Dez: then why does her page still say she's dating you?

Travis: she's obsessed with me

Dez: well why does your page still say your dating her?

Travis: i haven't gotten around to changing it yet.

Can you beleive that? and when kell talked to him about it he said it was his cousin on his account sending those messages. i still kinda didn't beleive it in the back of my mind, but as of yesterday i REALLY don't beleive. i was talking to my friend Chandler about it and she told me that while he was dating a girl named Sara, he was trying to go out with Chandler. Not a single one of Kelly's friends like Travis. we all hate that they're together and we have no problem telling her that either. we all care about her too much to just sit there and watch her go through but every time he does something and we tell her she needs to break up with him she's like, "well.... i'll talk to him about it, and he'll change for me" and yes he always does change for her....for a few months. then he's back to normal.

how do i get through to her?

Edited March 25, 2007 by princess_childofthekingofkings

[peaches]

pray for her and pray for the right words to say to her.

also, if you guys are believers and go to the same church, try to get your youth pastor or someone she respects to talk to her before she gets trapped in this abusive relationship.

its funny, i was just talking about abusive relationships with my sister and friend (at diff times) and both of them agreed with me that one gets trapped easily and either they feel helpless to get out or the guy domineers over them so much that its difficult to. this girl is far too young to be trapped in this. i will pray that she realises this soon.

[Iryssa]

What she needs most is to be shown real love and friendship right now, and to know that there are better guys out there for her. I'll tell you some of the things that went through my mind when I was in a bad relationship, to hopefully give you some insight into how she feels and why she hasn't broken up with him. Some of the things I thought were:

"What if he's all I deserve?"

"No one else will ever want me now."

"I can fix him."

"What he does is really my fault anyway."

"I'll prove everyone wrong: I'll MAKE this work."

"I think I love him, isn't that what really matters?"

"I need a guy to be popular/accepted/worthwhile."

All of those were lies. Every woman deserves more. There WAS someone else for me (someone I'm married to now, actually). I couldn't force him to change. He made his onw choices: I couldn't be responsible for what he did. I couldn't make it work because it takes two to make a relationship work, not just one. What I thought was love (and it really wasn't) was not what mattered in the end. I don't need a man to be accepted or worthy.

Don't approach her with the words "this guy is bad news and a major jerk." That'll just make her want to defend him. Instead try, "I don't like to see him hurt you like this...you're such a good person and you don't deserve that kind of pain." See what I mean? Make it about how she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, how she is beautiful (inside and out) and how it hurts you, as her friend, to see her in pain. Try to avoid slamming him in front of her.

[Akiko]

Now /that/ is a sticky situation.

Your friend is showing good signs by wanting to break up with this guy. Chances are, if he's flirting with another girl, he doesn't care enough about your friend to kill himself if they broke up. As much as an empty threat as it may be, I would still take note of it. I'd advise your friend to break up with this dude and nix all connections she can with him, including anything regarding e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, phone... because this is NOT a guy she wants to be around. He takes advantage of her, is interested only in sex, and is self-mutilating. Not only should she break up the relationship, she should break off all connection she can. Sometime around the breakup, she should tell a parent our counselor about his threat, so that they know and can keep an eye on him, and then end it now. I would also get the help of her parents and you, her friend, in case he tries to stick to her like many boyfriends (calling her house repeatedly, driving past the house, etc).

This guy has no intention of changing for your friend; he is trying to take advantage of her. Seems to me he's interested in one thing only... sex, with anyone he can get. It should also be pointed out that shoving her into a wall is domestic abuse, and is a serious crime. Your friend should not have to deal with him or his lame threats of killing himself, then watch him flirt with other girls and lie to her about it. Kudos to you for being such a good friend. Lastly, ask her how she would feel if she saw you being pushed into the wall by your boyfriend, if the situation was switched around.

I'll be praying.

~Akiko

[princess_childofthekingofkings]

What she needs most is to be shown real love and friendship right now, and to know that there are better guys out there for her. I'll tell you some of the things that went through my mind when I was in a bad relationship, to hopefully give you some insight into how she feels and why she hasn't broken up with him. Some of the things I thought were:

"What if he's all I deserve?"

"No one else will ever want me now."

"I can fix him."

"What he does is really my fault anyway."

"I'll prove everyone wrong: I'll MAKE this work."

"I think I love him, isn't that what really matters?"

"I need a guy to be popular/accepted/worthwhile."

All of those were lies. Every woman deserves more. There WAS someone else for me (someone I'm married to now, actually). I couldn't force him to change. He made his onw choices: I couldn't be responsible for what he did. I couldn't make it work because it takes two to make a relationship work, not just one. What I thought was love (and it really wasn't) was not what mattered in the end. I don't need a man to be accepted or worthy.

Don't approach her with the words "this guy is bad news and a major jerk." That'll just make her want to defend him. Instead try, "I don't like to see him hurt you like this...you're such a good person and you don't deserve that kind of pain." See what I mean? Make it about how she doesn't deserve that kind of treatment, how she is beautiful (inside and out) and how it hurts you, as her friend, to see her in pain. Try to avoid slamming him in front of her.

***''No one else will ever want me now."

"I can fix him."

"What he does is really my fault anyway."

"I'll prove everyone wrong: I'll MAKE this work."

"I think I love him, isn't that what really matters?"***

she's said things like those to me before. she's now convinced she loves him, she thinks nobody else will want her, she thinks she can get him to change for her, and she wants us all to be wrong. and the thing is, i HAVE talked to her the way you suggested. there's like no getting through to her. i've told her time and time again she deserves so much better and when the time is right she'll find that person that's better, and she always agrees for all of about 1 minute then it's like she forgot everything i said.

pray for her and pray for the right words to say to her.

also, if you guys are believers and go to the same church, try to get your youth pastor or someone she respects to talk to her before she gets trapped in this abusive relationship.

its funny, i was just talking about abusive relationships with my sister and friend (at diff times) and both of them agreed with me that one gets trapped easily and either they feel helpless to get out or the guy domineers over them so much that its difficult to. this girl is far too young to be trapped in this. i will pray that she realises this soon.

and yes, we do share the same faith, but her mother doesn't. her mom is a mormon and practically forces that faith on kelly. i've taken kelly to my church a few times and she loves it. she dreads going to her church but looks forward to going to mine. it just so happens that her mom doesn't let her go more than like once a month. because it's too often. and i'm living with my dad this school year in alabama so i can't even physically be there or her, and she can't go to my church. this is all horrible.

Now /that/ is a sticky situation.

Your friend is showing good signs by wanting to break up with this guy. Chances are, if he's flirting with another girl, he doesn't care enough about your friend to kill himself if they broke up. As much as an empty threat as it may be, I would still take note of it. I'd advise your friend to break up with this dude and nix all connections she can with him, including anything regarding e-mail, MySpace, Facebook, phone... because this is NOT a guy she wants to be around. He takes advantage of her, is interested only in sex, and is self-mutilating. Not only should she break up the relationship, she should break off all connection she can. Sometime around the breakup, she should tell a parent our counselor about his threat, so that they know and can keep an eye on him, and then end it now. I would also get the help of her parents and you, her friend, in case he tries to stick to her like many boyfriends (calling her house repeatedly, driving past the house, etc).

This guy has no intention of changing for your friend; he is trying to take advantage of her. Seems to me he's interested in one thing only... sex, with anyone he can get. It should also be pointed out that shoving her into a wall is domestic abuse, and is a serious crime. Your friend should not have to deal with him or his lame threats of killing himself, then watch him flirt with other girls and lie to her about it. Kudos to you for being such a good friend. Lastly, ask her how she would feel if she saw you being pushed into the wall by your boyfriend, if the situation was switched around.

I'll be praying.

~Akiko

the thing is, at first she wanted to break up with him, but now, she's convinced she loves him, and can see herself being with him forever. and beleive me when i heard about the pushing i canfronted him about it right away but he got all angry (which i can't really blame him for) but then i talked to kelly about it, and she completely denied it ever happened. she said he never pushed and never would. so how am i supposed to talk to her about it if she swears it din't happen? and i don't even know where to start with her on the messaging thing. like, it was months ago. i just don't know.

why can't he just be a good boyfriend and a good person so none of this would have to be happening? and i just don't understand how God can let this happen. i mean, kelly is a good person and she doesn't deserve this! gosh! i just don't get it!!

well thanks for your help akiko, peaches, and iryssa, but i'm still so lost

[Floatingaxe]

Sounds to me like she needs a boyfriend like she needs a hole in her head. Tell her to stop dating entirely until God sends her a man to marry.

[Oh Hamburgers!]

your friend's boyfriend is a typical abuser. He is emotionally abusing your friend, making her feel like she needs to stay with him, even though he is not remaining faithful. 2 months is never long enough to know if you love anyone. You guys are young, and I don't mean to sound condesending (I am not much older), but I doubt your friend truly knows what love is. Again, I don't mean that to sound mean, but when it comes to relationships, there is plenty more to learn. I still have a ton of learning to do also.

Basically, your friend WILL find better men. 14 is typically not the best age to have extremely long relationships. Your friend wants to make this guy work, so she is overlooking the negative points in the relationship.

Show her this thread, show her some responses by people. Explain you are concerned for her, and that this relationship will only end in pain, more pain the longer she stays in it. It is a dead end relationship, and it will go absolutly nowhere.

She may feel that "we don't understand" the way she feels, but trust me, people do. Women feel trapped in abusive relationships all the time, and lead themselves to believe that it is their fault, or that the guy can change, or that there is truly love between them and their men. But women are the ones who trap themselves in these relationships, by allowing themselves to believe the lies. All she needs to do is break up, and walk away. The power is in her hands. She will find a better man to care for, I guarantee it.

Ultimatly, it is her decision. You can lead someone to water, but you can't make them drink. If she still refuses to do something about the situation, there isn't much more you can do, but I assure you a relationship like this will always end in more heartbreak and abuse if it is allowed to continue.

[princess_childofthekingofkings]

your friend's boyfriend is a typical abuser. He is emotionally abusing your friend, making her feel like she needs to stay with him, even though he is not remaining faithful. 2 months is never long enough to know if you love anyone. You guys are young, and I don't mean to sound condesending (I am not much older), but I doubt your friend truly knows what love is. Again, I don't mean that to sound mean, but when it comes to relationships, there is plenty more to learn. I still have a ton of learning to do also.

Basically, your friend WILL find better men. 14 is typically not the best age to have extremely long relationships. Your friend wants to make this guy work, so she is overlooking the negative points in the relationship.

Show her this thread, show her some responses by people. Explain you are concerned for her, and that this relationship will only end in pain, more pain the longer she stays in it. It is a dead end relationship, and it will go absolutly nowhere.

She may feel that "we don't understand" the way she feels, but trust me, people do. Women feel trapped in abusive relationships all the time, and lead themselves to believe that it is their fault, or that the guy can change, or that there is truly love between them and their men. But women are the ones who trap themselves in these relationships, by allowing themselves to believe the lies. All she needs to do is break up, and walk away. The power is in her hands. She will find a better man to care for, I guarantee it.

Ultimatly, it is her decision. You can lead someone to water, but you can't make them drink. If she still refuses to do something about the situation, there isn't much more you can do, but I assure you a relationship like this will always end in more heartbreak and abuse if it is allowed to continue.

exactly. one thing about all this that really bugs me is that i know she and i are both too young to really know what love is. her least of all. beleive me i didn't think you were sounding mean at all. so i just have one more problem..let's say i DID show this to her, and she got angry at me for putting her personal life on the internet. what would i do then?

[Oh Hamburgers!]

exactly. one thing about all this that really bugs me is that i know she and i are both too young to really know what love is. her least of all. beleive me i didn't think you were sounding mean at all. so i just have one more problem..let's say i DID show this to her, and she got angry at me for putting her personal life on the internet. what would i do then?

For all I know, you are using fake names for your friends. The only thing I know about her from this thread is her name is Kelly, she is in a relationship with a boy named Travis, and they both live in Texas

I don't see any real personal information from that, and there is nothing that would lead me or anyone else to find out who she actually is. I would hope she wouldn't have a problem with you using an example with her first name, but maybe she would be angry, I don't know.

If she gets upset, I would apoligize, but explain you did it because you care for her well-being. It's obvious you want what's best for her, considering you brought this situation up on a christian forum. I hope that she could see your good intentions through it.

[princess_childofthekingofkings]

exactly. one thing about all this that really bugs me is that i know she and i are both too young to really know what love is. her least of all. beleive me i didn't think you were sounding mean at all. so i just have one more problem..let's say i DID show this to her, and she got angry at me for putting her personal life on the internet. what would i do then?

For all I know, you are using fake names for your friends. The only thing I know about her from this thread is her name is Kelly, she is in a relationship with a boy named Travis, and they both live in Texas

I don't see any real personal information from that, and there is nothing that would lead me or anyone else to find out who she actually is. I would hope she wouldn't have a problem with you using an example with her first name, but maybe she would be angry, I don't know.

If she gets upset, I would apoligize, but explain you did it because you care for her well-being. It's obvious you want what's best for her, considering you brought this situation up on a christian forum. I hope that she could see your good intentions through it.

well i didn't mean personal info on finding her...i meant i'm telling people about ehr and her boyfriend (whom i didn't even think of using fake names for...)and how he's treating her especially since i kinda called a truce between myself and him (cuz we like totally hated eachtother) but i only di it cuz kelly was BEGGING me to because she could stand having her best friend and boyfriend hate eachother. as far as she's concerned, he and i are friends...i just odn't really know how to bring this up to her you know what i mean?