Does the Spouse Come First? No Matter What?

[Guest LadyC]

blended families are a unique challenge. there were times when i was torn between my husband and children, and i undoubtedly screwed up many times. but overall, i did always try to keep my husband first. as someone else said (wayne i think), when a husband and wife marry, they become one. it's critical to always be united with your spouse in front of the children... to always back him up in front of the kids, even if you disagree with him. (that doesn't mean you can't take it up with him in private though!)

the exception of course would be if your children are in danger from your spouse. if your spouse is in an abusive rage, the children's safety is paramount.

it wasn't always easy. there was a time in my marriage when my husband and i were having a very strong disagreement. we were in private though, and in his anger at me, he decided that as head of the family he would punish my daughter. not physically, but he decided he was going to ground her from any tv priviledges... she had done nothing wrong and wasn't even present. his decision was made in order to hurt ME because i was yelling at him. he said it was his right as the "head of the family". well, that didn't set well with me and i started throwing punches at him, and after i landed four good ones on his kidney area, he spun around and clocked me in the face, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip. (and no, i do not have an abusive husband!)

my daughters threw fits and wanted me to divorce him and the whole nine yards. i really struggled with this. i could see their point, but i also knew that i had been in the wrong. my brother gave me the best advice of my life though, and reminded me that God expects me to be one with my husband, not one with my children... and on a more personal note, that if i were to leave my husband, i would be doing damage to my children, showing them that marriage is disposable and that the children's expectation have more weight than my husband... AND, that my children have more weight than GOD!

he was right. my husband actually did serve two nights in jail, six months of anger management counseling, and one year of probation. but in spite of my children, i did not divorce him. i can't tell you how glad i am that my brother stood there looking at my swollen lip, on the day that we buried our father, and told me to put my marriage first. my daughters are grown now, i'm still in love with my husband, and my daughters have gotten past what happened and still love and respect their stepfather. more importantly, they love and respect their husbands, even when they disagree. (granted, my oldest daughter divorced her first husband, but she did so because of his chronic infidelity.)

but most of all, in spite of my husbands many faults (and my own), God has richly blessed me for my obedience to Him.

[Metadyjital]

I agree wayne.

Can love be ordered? Do we love one child above another or one person in our family more than another?

I would say any man or women for that matter that demands some sort of precedence in love would be a problem for even thinking that way. As a husband and father I would never even think about whether my wife loves me or my children more or who has precedence, I think the thought itself is in a way not Christian. Love means giving yourself, not dominating or competing for affection.

Great thoughts here. How different it is when Christianity is a Spirit and not mere legislation! Wow - talk about capturing the heart of Jesus Christ!

[kat8585]

it wasn't always easy. there was a time in my marriage when my husband and i were having a very strong disagreement. we were in private though, and in his anger at me, he decided that as head of the family he would punish my daughter. not physically, but he decided he was going to ground her from any tv priviledges... she had done nothing wrong and wasn't even present. his decision was made in order to hurt ME because i was yelling at him. he said it was his right as the "head of the family". well, that didn't set well with me and i started throwing punches at him, and after i landed four good ones on his kidney area, he spun around and clocked me in the face, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip. (and no, i do not have an abusive husband!)

You were clearly in the right here. I don't think God means for us to take it that far. Did she end up being grounded?

[Metadyjital]

That's a rotten attitude. She sees her husband every day, and he only sees his children twice a month. I get sick of the lack of gratitude from these wives. If they didn't want to deal with step children, then they shouldn't have married a man with children. Since the lady in your church did marry a man with children, then she needs to look at the fact he takes care of his responsibilities and loves his children as a blessing, and she should stop punishing the children.

in this case you hit it on the head - and I agree

[Smalcald]

The most vulnerable must be put first.

[Guest LadyC]

it wasn't always easy. there was a time in my marriage when my husband and i were having a very strong disagreement. we were in private though, and in his anger at me, he decided that as head of the family he would punish my daughter. not physically, but he decided he was going to ground her from any tv priviledges... she had done nothing wrong and wasn't even present. his decision was made in order to hurt ME because i was yelling at him. he said it was his right as the "head of the family". well, that didn't set well with me and i started throwing punches at him, and after i landed four good ones on his kidney area, he spun around and clocked me in the face, bloodying my nose and giving me a fat lip. (and no, i do not have an abusive husband!)

You were clearly in the right here. I don't think God means for us to take it that far. Did she end up being grounded?

no, i wasn't in the right for having hit him. there is no more excuse for a wife to beat a husband than for a husband to beat a wife. i was clearly WRONG for having done that. and i was clearly RIGHT for having stuck it out through my marriage. despite how the fight occurred, i was right for having modeled to my daughters that marriage is not something to be discarded so easily. i was right for modeling to them that most obstacles can be worked through together. i was right for having modeled to my children that THEY were not the ones to dictate whether the parents stay together. hopefully that will serve them well as their sons grow into teenagers and grow to hate one parent or the other, and that is bound to happen. (i can't tell you how many times in my teen years i wanted my mother to leave my dad because i thought he was a horrible person. but he was a man of God, even if i thought i hated him at times. i'm grateful my parents never divorced.)

but no, she didn't end up grounded. she was so angry at the whole situation i sent her to stay with a friend for a few days while all three of us had a chance to cool down... while she was there, my father died, and we all had to fly to texas for the funeral. she stayed with her biological father, who for once, supported mark and i, and told her that she could not come live with him, at least not at that time and for this reason, that she needed to stay put and let us work things out. by the time we got home, we worked on moving forward, not backward. mark acknowledged he was wrong for having tried to punish me through my daughter, he did his time (which to this day i still say i should have been the one serving) and things were much better.

[WayneB]

my brother gave me the best advice of my life though, and reminded me that God expects me to be one with my husband, not one with my children... and on a more personal note, that if i were to leave my husband, i would be doing damage to my children, showing them that marriage is disposable and that the children's expectation have more weight than my husband... AND, that my children have more weight than GOD!

You are blessed to have a wise brother. That was PERFECT advice. Too often, a brother would be tempted to get involved "physically" when they actually bring more harm to the situation. Rather, your brother spoke the Word of God to you at a time when you needed to hear it more than ever.

Thanks for sharing this.

...and it reflects exactly what GRACE is all about.

[EricH]

Of course Jesus Christ comes first!

... but I perceive the question is about the position of a spouse as compared to the children in a home.

Let me share how "we" look at it. I say "we" because the Word of God told me that my wife and I will become one flesh. In other words, although we are two different people, we are to have the mind of Christ and unite together. So in a sense, we have become one person. Yes, she has her own opinions and we still struggle to find compromise at times (like what color to paint the bedroom)...but we are united in all our decisions, which are a little of her and a little of me. It takes a lot of effort to make it work sometimes...the way God intended...but we have found that when we put HIM first, most everything else falls easily into place.

Children (we have two adult sons) are the fruit of our marriage. They don't come first or second or last. Rather they are our responsibility to nurture, guide, discipline, love, educate, protect, and so on. It is lifetime work and it takes BOTH of us united to do the work.

So it isn't about who comes first or last. First God, then family...

How about that for a "Obama" response?

You have my vote

[traveller]

Of course Jesus Christ comes first!

... but I perceive the question is about the position of a spouse as compared to the children in a home.

Let me share how "we" look at it. I say "we" because the Word of God told me that my wife and I will become one flesh. In other words, although we are two different people, we are to have the mind of Christ and unite together. So in a sense, we have become one person. Yes, she has her own opinions and we still struggle to find compromise at times (like what color to paint the bedroom)...but we are united in all our decisions, which are a little of her and a little of me. It takes a lot of effort to make it work sometimes...the way God intended...but we have found that when we put HIM first, most everything else falls easily into place.

Children (we have two adult sons) are the fruit of our marriage. They don't come first or second or last. Rather they are our responsibility to nurture, guide, discipline, love, educate, protect, and so on. It is lifetime work and it takes BOTH of us united to do the work.

So it isn't about who comes first or last. First God, then family...

How about that for a "Obama" response?

You have my vote

Mine too.

Wayne, that was beautiful.

[BFP]

God is head, the woman under the man...and the kids are next in line. And this DOES work in blended families. Mine is a prime example. I came into this marriage with 2 kids, and my husband came first. Period.

I was raised in a household where my parents were first to each other and the kids were below that. I believe that is very Biblical. Anyone who puts your kids first ends up with big marital issues eventually

Think about it...would you rather have trouble with your kids...or a rift with your spouse?