Need some adviceon our teen

May 25, 2004

We are new to message boards so if this is not the approprate place to make this post then please forgive us. We have a fourteen year old daughter that is showing signs of being gay. I suspected her relationship with a woman from church and began to monitor her yahoo messenger account. This turned up posts to this women referencing her desires to turn gay. We haven't approched this issue with her because we didn't want to tip our hat and reveal that we were monitoring her messages. She csught on to the fact that we were monitoring her messages and turned to her email account. We then placed a desktop surveillance software on the computer and have been monitoring her emails and messages ever sence. It tuirns out that she has an infatuation with another girl from school. We have, in a round about way, referenced whether she is gay or not because she says that she hates boys and isn't interested in having a boy friend. Not the norm for a fourteen year old girl. She adimately denies any gay feelings. It has only been two months since she went forward at church to be baptized and saved again. She constantly lies and goes out of her way to make our lives miserable. We have now put surveillance equipment on our phones and have been monitoring her telephone calls. We cut off all means of communication with the girl from school and only allow her to have contact with another girl from school that comes from a good Chrisitan family and has strong morals. This has now backfired and our daughter now has a hang up on this girl and we are at our wits end. She has obviously told this girl one lie after another and has her believing that we are the wicked parents. We hoped that she would rub off on our daughter but we are now afraid that she has rubbed off on this girl in reference to her attitude in general. We took her to our family doctor and her put her on Zoloft for Depression and referred her for counseling. The counseling hasn't made any inpact and we are literally at our last rope. Please, if anyone has any good advise as to how to properly handle this situation, please post with those suggestions. We want to get this out in the open so we can help her see that this is immoral and wrong but her counselor said that we have to wait for her to tell us. We are afraid that she won't tell us and will act on her feelings and won't be able to be saved. Please help us with you thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for you time and consideration,

Darren and Kim Cook

Heartbroken Parents.

May 25, 2004

I have delt with quite a few people who are unsure of their sexuality.

I hate to be negative but I think you might be doing the opposite of what you are attempting.

At 14 teenage rebelion is rife if you throw in a confusing sexuality then it will become worse.

Ask your daughter why she hates boys... perhaps there has been an incident that you are not privy to.

Waht your daughter needs is support, if you make her paranoid that she is being moinitered and lock her contact off then she will realise its her sexuality and will not turn around... you might drive her into the arms of another woman.

Pray for her... the lord will guide her.

Dont be angry with her... try to help her... gently.

I've never doubted my sexuality but through other issues I've face its been when I have been gently aided that I have responded well.

Please dont think I am telling you hlow to raise your daughter or calling you bad parennts.

I am not privy to that sort of information to make that judgement (nor would I judge).

I think you are concerned and unsure how to deal with the situation (something that you said yourself.)

I hope I've helped... some how.

Message bakc or if there is anything you feel un-comfortable discussing ont he board PM me. I am happy to help confidentialy.

I trust my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ will provide their 10c as well and I wish all three of you the best of luck.

cymba22 · May 25, 2004

I'm probably going to get called a bad parent here...but quite honestly i would if it were my daughter(and yes i have one)i would sit down with her and tell her whats been going on from the beginning and how you see this woman influencing her(yes you'll have to say you've been monitering her computer etc...but your a parent to a minor and quite frankly you have the right to)i would then ban my daughter from using the computer unless its for school work and not let her have an e-mail or yahoo account until shes 16 at least i would talk to her and show her through the proof that this women IS infulancing her and taking advantage of a minor(which borders on abuse) and as its a women from church...go to your pastor...she is not in anyway behaving how she should and if she is a member of the church and this mentoring is part of the church program then the pastor has a responability to address this issue

hippo's hope is HIM · May 25, 2004

okay, let me say something. It may be completely wrong, but hey.

Sometimes (even myself) girls, don't like guys. I don't like guys....I mean I do have guy friends. But because of certain instances, I don't like to talk to certain guys, or boys that have the same type attitude about them. And I am really peculiar about who I date.

I have several girls, that are really close to me. Not that we are gay, but that I can confide in them. And some of our talk may sound a bit strange, to others looking. But it is nothing more than us teasing each other. So maybe, you are looking at it the wrong way? (I mean probably not, but I had to take up for the girl for a sec. )

With that being said. I agree with Orpheus. If my parents thought I was liking the opposite sex, and started putting me on lock down. It would seriously tick me off. Not that I would become gay or anything. But it would make me want to make them mad..........you know what I mean?? <<(me a while ago, not so much now that I am born again, ect.)

Smother it in prayer.

God bless you. I pray things improve.

BTW Welcome to worthy Orpheus and the Cooks

May 25, 2004

for a very long time, i questioned whether or not my youngest daughter (now 16) was attracted to girls. in fact, i was quite convinced of it. to be completely honest, i'd been concerned about this since she was about four or five years old, because she had always seemed so entranced with beautiful women. so my husband and i had some very long discussions about how we would handle it if my suspicions were confirmed. i hope this may be of some help to you... its a bit different from the advice you've recieved so far.... and i have to admit, i see wisdom in all of the above responses, despite how opposite they may seem from each other.

definitely continue to monitor her. at this point i don't know that i'd confront her on it though. but take yourself out of the confusion for a moment, and try to look at this from outside the storm.

she is your child. you have an unconditional love for her, correct? so, if she were to tell you one day that she is a lesbian, would you stop loving her? would you kick her to the curb?

my guess is no... but you'd be on your knees praying for her, which is where you need to be even now.

my daughter is not a lesbian. in fact, she's fantasizing about marriage to a boy she's been dating for five months now. but if she hadn't fallen head over heals with him and my suspicions about her attraction to girls had been confirmed, i would have laid down ground rules. just as the rules have always been 'no guys in the house when we're not home', 'no guys in the bedroom', and 'no guys spending the night', my daughter would have had to accept no GIRLS in the bedroom, or in the house without our presence, or spending the night. the telephone would not be allowed in her bedroom, or in the bathroom, or even outside. (that's a rule in our house anyway.)

just as i have sat my kids down and explained God's purpose for sex, and God's commands about sex, i would have given that same talk again only stressed the reasons God forbids homosexual relations.

you are her parents... but she's still an individual person with a will of her own. God gives us all free will, and He is the ultimate example of parenthood. when you do something that is wrong, God still loves you, even as he punishes you. it is of the utmost importance that your daughter understand that your love will never be used as ransom for appropriate behavior.

and last but definitely not least, you have to get out of God's way and let Him do His work on your daughter. what does that mean? it means you can't force her to behave your way, you can't force her to have appropriate feelings or not have inappropriate ones, because feelings are what they are. nobody can dictate what another feels. and since she's growing into an independant state, you can't dictate every behavior or every action she takes either. if you lock her up you'll stunt her emotional (and spiritual!) growth.

lay this burden at the foot of the cross.... daily, even hourly! but leave it in His capable hands. pray for HIM to change her heart, and don't try to force her to make the changes He wants to make in her. when you do that, you may very well end up interfering with what God's already doing her by shifting her rebellion into high gear against you.

this is a difficult time you're going through, and please don't think i'm suggesting you do absolutely nothing. prayer is not nothing! as far as any other action, i strongly encourage you to report your concerns about the woman at church to your pastor... and if she works with children or teenagers, report your concerns to her employer as well. young people need to be protected from predators. as for the girl at school, continue limiting her time with her. that will be difficult to do without discussing WHY you are doing this, but if you discuss your concerns with your daughter, be sure to do it in a loving way, not in a way that makes her feel you will reject her.

i noticed you said something about her having not been to church for two months since she was baptized and "saved again". i'm curious if that just came out sounding wrong or if you really felt like she needed to be saved "again". please elaborate.

May 25, 2004

We appreciate all of your advise and we will take it under consideration. Needless to say, we have prayed every day since this has come to our attention. We are going to continue with her counseling and will hold off from confronting her at this time. We have decided that this lifestyle will not be tolerated within our household. Thats not to say that we would turn our back on her, but to say that she will not be allowed to subject our two younger children to that immoral lifestyle. Please continue to pray for us and we will just have to learn to leave this one in God's hands.

Thank you all,

The Cooks.

May 26, 2004

I was just reading these posts and was somewhat confused...

We have decided that this lifestyle will not be tolerated within our household. Thats not to say that we would turn our back on her, but to say that she will not be allowed to subject our two younger children to that immoral lifestyle.

This I don't get. Are you saying that if your daughter told you she was a lesbian then she is not able to live with you? I mean, aren't people born gay, I don't think she woke up one morning and thought, "hey I think I'll be gay." In which case she wouldn't be influencing your other children. Wouldn't it be teaching them tolerance, respect, and nonracist? If I were you're daughter. I would be very hurt that I was monitored. It would definately show a lack of trust and respect. How is she supposed to learn to respect? I would be very upset, I would want to rebel to spite.

you can't force her to behave your way, you can't force her to have appropriate feelings or not have inappropriate ones, because feelings are what they are. nobody can dictate what another feels. and since she's growing into an independant state, you can't dictate every behavior or every action she takes either. if you lock her up you'll stunt her emotional (and spiritual!) growth.

Let her be who she is. I hope you don't read this the wrong way, I am just confused. I mean, aren't christians supposed to be all-loving and forgiving? Wouldn't saying "Out of my house, until you change who you are" be the complete opposite? :suspect:

It almost seems to be kind of hyprocritical, unless I am reading everything in the wrong aspect. Which is one of the reasons I don't want to be a christian. I'm sorry, but please don't think I am being mean, like I said, I am only confused.

-Confused!!!

softballgirl · May 26, 2004

Hey I'm a teen so I don't know how much my advice is worth but here goes anyways

I hate being told I can't do something I think everyone does. Sometimes when my parents tell me I can't do something or they forbid me from doing something it makes me want to do it 10 times more. I know your supposed to submit to your parents But we've all been there and know how hard it is to do. If you are basically locking her up and not lettting her have contact with anyone but a christian girl from school that may be pushing her to hang out with the other girl more JUST TO GET BACK AT YOU! Also she may not get along with this christian girl AT ALL. Just because the girls goes to church and calls herself "christian" does not mean she actually lives like it. And just because they both are christians doesn't mean they are automatically going to get along and be best friends. I just doesn't work that way.

Lady C's advice was good. God has His awesome, mighty powerful hand in this and He'll take care of it His way and in His time

All I'm saying is that when I get told I can't do something or hang out with someone ect ect I want to do it even more I'm sure you only want the best for her. But she's 14 so am I. gosh and emotions are crazy Sometimes the stuff that goes through my head is just absoloutely nuts and I'm sure the same for her she will probably realize that.

And some days I hate all guys maybe a boy has made her mad or something and she's mad at all guys and sometimes guys can be the furthust thing from my mind and I think it's normal

Just talk to her Not about being gay or anything like that but just normal stuff and I am almost positive boys and stuff like that will come up eventually but maybe not at first be cool about anything she says and kind of act like a friend rather than a mom sometimes she'll be more likely to respond.

I'm praying for all of you and I know God will work this out

God Bless ya'll!!

Edited May 26, 2004 by softballgirl

May 26, 2004

I was just reading these posts and was somewhat confused...

We have decided that this lifestyle will not be tolerated within our household. Thats not to say that we would turn our back on her, but to say that she will not be allowed to subject our two younger children to that immoral lifestyle.

This I don't get. Are you saying that if your daughter told you she was a lesbian then she is not able to live with you? I mean, aren't people born gay, I don't think she woke up one morning and thought, "hey I think I'll be gay." In which case she wouldn't be influencing your other children. Wouldn't it be teaching them tolerance, respect, and nonracist? If I were you're daughter. I would be very hurt that I was monitored. It would definately show a lack of trust and respect. How is she supposed to learn to respect? I would be very upset, I would want to rebel to spite.

you can't force her to behave your way, you can't force her to have appropriate feelings or not have inappropriate ones, because feelings are what they are. nobody can dictate what another feels. and since she's growing into an independant state, you can't dictate every behavior or every action she takes either. if you lock her up you'll stunt her emotional (and spiritual!) growth.

Let her be who she is. I hope you don't read this the wrong way, I am just confused. I mean, aren't christians supposed to be all-loving and forgiving? Wouldn't saying "Out of my house, until you change who you are" be the complete opposite? :suspect:

It almost seems to be kind of hyprocritical, unless I am reading everything in the wrong aspect. Which is one of the reasons I don't want to be a christian. I'm sorry, but please don't think I am being mean, like I said, I am only confused.

-Confused!!!

no, people are not born gay. there is absolutely no scientific evidence that homosexual tendencies is genetic in any way. they can be environmentally influenced, though, and in our society with homosexuality being applauded, they are easily influenced. they can admire physical and emotional attributes of one gender or another (or both) from a young age, but whether that develops in a healthy or unhealthy way depends on individual circumstances that occur in their lives.

you'd be hurt if you were monitored? can i ask how old you are? as a minor, a child has no rights to privacy. that is a priveledge.

the cooks said they wouldn't kick her to the curb. they said they would not tolerate homosexual activities in their house, subjecting the other children to that lifestyle. that means that she would probably not be allowed to bring her girlfriend home, to have sleepovers with her girlfriend, to openly display affection that is unnatural in their home.

there is nothing hypocritical about a PARENT establishing the rules in the house and expecting their children to be obedient to those rules. you say it seems unloving? actually, allowing your children to do as they please and not submit to authority is what is unloving. this is something you will not understand probably until you have children of your own.

as for me, my daughter was 16 when she moved out. it was i who gave her the option of either living by our rules and showing respect for the family, or finding someone who would not care what she did or how she behaved. it's called tough love. my oldest was verbally abusive to me, verbally and physically abusive to her younger sister, she was deeply involved in the occult (including ritualistic blood sucking), she was hanging out with a crowd that freely used drugs, alcohol, and each others' bodies. to have allowed her to continue living under my roof with no consequences was to have put my other child at serious risk of harm.

christianity does mean being all forgiving. i love both my daughters, and that love is absolutely unconditional. but being a christian doesn't mean being a doormat and putting yourself or others in danger. quite often it means allowing the wayward child to suffer the consequences of their disobedience.