Hi, RW.
Where I am now...is good? "For it is God in you, both to will and to do of His good pleasure." Yes, it would seem that it is good.
That said, it is yet *very* unpleasant. And despite repeated calls to the Lord, the heaviness remains. I speculate something of what wingnut said ("there is something I should be doing") plays into this, but I'm not entirely convinced. Another idea is that of God grooming for something, so that the experience I am having is indeed "good", is not a result of any wrong doing on my part, and will eventually work itself out to my pleasure (for having done something according to the will of God) and His glory and honour.
And I would speculate that you do not seek to minister again until your spiritual house is in order
A sound speculation, which of course is one of the most painful realities of this whole circumstance. It comes down to a question of why such a passion was put in me when in the end I am to be muzzled . The things of this world leave such a bad taste in my mouth, so the relevance of my life has all but disappeared. How tempting it is to say "I just don't know what to do", but I refrain, knowing the answer most, if not all, will give is to pray to God for answers and do what it is He is telling you to do in order to correct the situation. No sense enduring the repetition, right?
If I may be blunt.....you have to learn how to be you. I also started my Christian life at full speed, and very soon jumped into ministry with both feet and it was an awesome time... but I had an eye on being a pulpit pounder in front of a mega church and God had a different idea. I was fortunate to have a friend who felt no compunction about grabbing me by the nose and slapping me around a bit unto I was in a state to listen. And God finally got my attention.
we are trees.....we don't GO into our ministries...we GROW into them. God has set us on the path of our service and when we try and change that course things go awry, the train jumps the track.
Take time now to grow into yourself, rebuilt the foundation in you and you will find opportunities will present themselves to you. They may not be in the way you expect or even frankly, want. But they are the best for us. God gave you a nature, and He gave it to you for a reason...HIS reason. When you have reached solid ground and are back in a good place I am sure God will show it to you. Right now, if your anything like me, if he told you what it was, you would probably jump right in. But the time is not yet...soon...but not yet