Chris0699

I don't feel guilt. That's why I'm over the line.

Life in general is ok, great really, except for that I spend a lot of time trying to avoid sin and thinking about how to get to Jesus, and how impossible it is in my current position.

Yes, my prayers are probably going to the wrong address. Must be the reason nothing has happened.

When I first started doubting over a year and a half ago, I could barely sleep, I lost about 80 pounds, I quit visiting dirty websites and doing what accompanies that, etc. But all of that is in vain because my attitude towards God needs to change. Seems I am willing to do anything to avoid hell except the only thing that really can cause me to avoid hell. Which is why I am growing more certain day by day that I have committed the unpardonable sin and that I am going to hell. Because of my attitude toward God and my lack of desire to change. I suppose the only reason I have been hanging around is that, maybe, God will do something to wake me up, give me sight, and turn me around. But I have to genuinely want it. And I'm not sure I truly do. So, I guess I am whining about things I have no business whining about. I ought to be living profligately and doing things other than hanging around Worthy. But I can't put this down. Paul was a Jesus hating blasphemer and Jesus changed him. There has to be a way. I guess the only hope I have left is that God would answer someone's prayer on my behalf. But that hope is fading fast as well.

The thought of hell - that's what keeps me striving in any sense.

No, not that I am aware of.

I guess all that's left for me to sin it up and pay the price when it's all over. I don't have the attitudes that @Thess described, I don't know whether I really give a hoot as @other one was mentioning. Without these correct attitudes, I cannot be heard by God, and if I cannot be heard, then it's all over unless by some miracle He intervenes, but He won't because I have free will to choose, but I don't have free will since I cannot come unless I am drawn...

I mean, I don't know how or why I was classified in Worthy. I don't think I have any control over that.

I don't know.

A bit over a year and a half. All kinds of prayers. Trying hard to quit sins (and a lot of failing). The problem must be me. I really don't know what to do. He isn't listening.

I've been asking. Nothing.

True prayer with the right intentions is impossible too. I have been asking for this for over a year and nothing. I am praying to the wall. God isn't listening because I don't think I want to leave my sin. Which also boggles me because I don't think I really enjoy it all that much. Or maybe I am suppressing my sinful desires. I don't know. But this is a bad place.

I didn't see the date on this. Whoops. Didn't realize it was that old. But how does one with a seared conscience even truly seek God? Or even want to? Because if I am honest with myself, that is where I am. And that is the sign that someone has crossed God's line and there is no way back, even while they still draw breath.

Following. I'm there too.

And this is what I believe I have done and that it is impossible to repent. Why? Because I fell away and put Him to open shame. The desire is gone. All of it. Which is why I have been posting about my wife and kids. There is hopefully a chance for them, but I don't think I am among those God elected.