I could really use advice...move back up north or stay in San Diego an

[carlos123]

Hi there,

I don't normally come around much here these days but given that I need lots of advice from as many mature Christians as I can find....I figured I would ask for it here since there are a fair number of mature Christians here.

Here's my situation....and feel free to ask me any questions about any of this that anyone might have.

I have been living in San Diego for 3 months now. I just have not been able to make it down here job wise. I"ve been able to do okay until this month when I could not pay the rent. Ran out of money today and bought my last food with what I did have (I think I have something like $1.27 left to my name + one $5 bill to buy me one bus pass to who knows where). I've pawned everything I can including the laptop I am writing this one (the pawn shop wouldn't take it as there is something wrong with it - though it's perfectly fine for my use). I've tried window cleaning, applying for different jobs, painting and doing odd jobs, and while I've been able to make some money it just hasn't been enough.

I even tried to get set up to give blood so as to pay my landlord the $200 in rent I owe him every month in $50 weekly increments but given that I had nothing with which to prove my local address...the blood places had to send me postcards that I could bring in to prove my local residency. But the postcards never arrived and I am stuck without being able to get even blood money.

I told my landlord I would move out by tomorrow night. He has been a god send to me and very gracious but I just can't even come up with $50 to pay rent even for the first week of April. He has graciously offered to let me store my two suitcases and my laptop in a trailer he uses for storage for a while until I sort things out.

With no job, no money to speak of, no prospects for any job (I am way over qualified for most low end jobs but have no car and no money to last while waiting for a paycheck from higher paying jobs...not to mention that I have been self-employed for years with hardly any work references at all and am 50 years old) I will use my last $5 to buy a pass pass to downtown San Diego and start sleeping on the sidewalk somewhere starting tomorrow night.

Now here's the thing.....

My wife and I have been seperated for years but the Lord has started to bring us together again and we have been talking almost every night for the past week. It's been good. Real good.

Tonight she offered to pay for me to come up and rejoin her when as she put it...I get tired of living on the streets.

I don't know what to do. What is right to do by God at this point in time.

I know that as a husband that I am supposed to provide for my wife but I can't even provide for myself down here. I had my own window cleaning business up north and was never this hard up but down here it's been just a bear trying to make ends meet.

If I go back and my wife pays for my flight...I will be in a dependent position with her. Where she will be supporting me and not the other way around. The freezing part in the winters...I can endure again if I absolutely have to but I HATE winters. My wife can't however come down here in view of health problems that require she stay up there and get proper medical care absolutely for free. Medical care that would cost untold thousands down here in the States. Not to mention that her children and grandchildren are up there.

One conflict in our marriage has always been the financial aspect of things. I could care less about a career position. My career is to pursue the Kingdom of God and be involved in getting the Gospel out. I would be perfectly happy and content living in bunga bunga land in the midst of poor people and sharing the Gospel with them. That is what is on my heart. Not pursuing the good life for ourselves. My wife likes her house. A nice big house. That takes lots of money to have and requires quite a bit of upkeep and maintenance. I can't stand working so much that I end up throwing my life away to keep a big house and otherwise invest precious time of the little I have left in this life into making the house better or keeping it up.

I can't even stand cutting the grass as I see it as a complete waste of my life. Better to tear out the grass and put in rocks that don't need cutting. I'll do it but I can't stand feeling like my life is going down the tubes in the pursuit of useless endeavours that have little or no direct impact for the Kingdom of God.

And yes..I am already aware of how the Lord can use the mundane things of life to teach us things but for me to involve myself in all the things required to keep house would be like Paul having devoted himself to waiting on tables. Not that I am like Paul exactly but it's the same sort of thing. Let the spiritually dead do the things that the spiritually dead can do just fine (i.e. cut the grass, etc..). Have the Christians rather focus on that which will get the Gospel out the most and not get tangled up in the affairs of every day life to the extent that they can avoid it.

Yet I am faced with having to sleep on the sidewalks of San Diego too.

Between sleeping on the sidewalks and taking my wife's gracious offer to go back up north...it seems the more godly thing to do would be to take my wife up on her offer.

Yet doing so is going to be problematic in that we haven't yet worked our way through many issues over which we will still get into conflict over. I don't need conflict in my life. Better in that respect to just go live on the sidewalk somewhere.

Anybody got any suggestions as to what the Lord might want me to do?

Move back or take my chances as a homeless person in San Diego?

Carlos

[Guest shiloh357]

I can't even stand cutting the grass as I see it as a complete waste of my life. Better to tear out the grass and put in rocks that don't need cutting. I'll do it but I can't stand feeling like my life is going down the tubes in the pursuit of useless endeavours that have little or no direct impact for the Kingdom of God.

With all due respect, until you get your family life figured out, you have no business in Kingdom pursuits. The family is the first instutution God ordained. If you cannot manage your family and show that you are responsible in that area, then there is call for you to be trusted with ministry responsibilities. Restoring your relationship with your wife is the more important thing, and God may be giving you that opportunity and you had better take and make the most of it. We serve God in the mundane things as well. You need prove yourself faithful and trustworthy in the little things first AND you need to bring your marriage around to a place that is pleasing to God before you even begin thinking about other Kingdom pursuits.

Yet doing so is going to be problematic in that we haven't yet worked our way through many issues over which we will still get into conflict over. I don't need conflict in my life. Better in that respect to just go live on the sidewalk somewhere.

No, you are going to have to swallow your pride and give up your "rights" as you will be in the dependent position to start with. You are not really in position, it would appear, to tell her anything about finances. I mean to be honest, you are the one nearly on street, not her. You are the one who needs her help, and so you need to take this one chance to get your marriage straightened out and pleasing to the Lord and prove to Him that you can be trusted with greater responsibilities. Your FIRST responsibility at this point is to your wife.

[Believer1997]

Carlos,

I mean no disrespect but... some of your comments disturb and concern me.

(I am way over qualified for most low end jobs

When you are hungry and have survival issues there should be no job for which you are too "Qualified" to do. When you said you didn't like to cut grass or do things to maintain the home - that's just part of living and supporting your wife and family.

I do not think your heart is right to pursue a ministry right now. I think the Lord may be trying to tell you to take care of your family (your wife) and to meet your responsibilities. You have a lot of pride issues that need to be addressed before you can lead others, in my opinion.

Blessings.

[elizabetht]

I can't even stand cutting the grass as I see it as a complete waste of my life. Better to tear out the grass and put in rocks that don't need cutting. I'll do it but I can't stand feeling like my life is going down the tubes in the pursuit of useless endeavours that have little or no direct impact for the Kingdom of God.

With all due respect, until you get your family life figured out, you have no business in Kingdom pursuits. The family is the first instutution God ordained. If you cannot manage your family and show that you are responsible in that area, then there is call for you to be trusted with ministry responsibilities. Restoring your relationship with your wife is the more important thing, and God may be giving you that opportunity and you had better take and make the most of it. We serve God in the mundane things as well. You need prove yourself faithful and trustworthy in the little things first AND you need to bring your marriage around to a place that is pleasing to God before you even begin thinking about other Kingdom pursuits.

Yet doing so is going to be problematic in that we haven't yet worked our way through many issues over which we will still get into conflict over. I don't need conflict in my life. Better in that respect to just go live on the sidewalk somewhere.

No, you are going to have to swallow your pride and give up your "rights" as you will be in the dependent position to start with. You are not really in position, it would appear, to tell her anything about finances. I mean to be honest, you are the one nearly on street, not her. You are the one who needs her help, and so you need to take this one chance to get your marriage straightened out and pleasing to the Lord and prove to Him that you can be trusted with greater responsibilities. Your FIRST responsibility at this point is to your wife.

Carlos,

One of the most important lessons we must learn in our Christian walk (if not the most important) is to be humble before the Lord. Even if that means just cutting the lawn. I don't mean to harp on that issue, but here is the thing. We do what we do for others SACRIFICIALLY, no matter how mundane or small the service. I think the question you should be asking yourself is whether you are seeking to do God's will or your own. In Matt 11v28 Jesus describes His nature as being "gentle and Humble in heart." If you truly wish to serve Him that is where you should start.

[carlos123]

I hope you all don't mind but I am going to reply in a general sense to some of what you all posted instead of individually.

The issue for me is not a matter of seeking God's Kingdom first. For sure that is what I need to do no matter what it takes. And I am willing to go up north again to be with my wife if it is more consistent with pursuing the Kingdom of God by being with her now than later when I may be able to get with her by paying for own ticket home and otherwise having had a chance to iron out the issues that have seperated us.

I did not mean to get into a discussion of cutting the grass as being a worthwhile thing for us as Christians to be doing but the notion that we should do so just because it may be sacrificial to do for someone else is quite frankly ridiculous IF we can avoid taking the time to do that by replacing our grass with rocks. Do we also sacrificially work so as to pay for nice jewelry for our wives, or a wonderful vacation to Europe, or so as to be able to take our wives out to a dinner and movie every night of the week? My wife doesn't expect those things from me not to mention that the Lord has done a wonderful work in her heart in recent weeks but I guess what I am saying regarding the cut the grass comments is that our lives are to be more than about cutting the grass and doing other such things as a sacrifice to our wives.

t

With all due respect cutting the grass is not about living in this world or otherwise doing that which is neccessary to do to have a home. The idea of even having grass is a luxury that most of the world's people can't even afford!

I agree that our marriage comes first before ministry. There is no question of that. I fully agree with that and am committed to that.

But we have been seperated for close to four years. I left Canada because I was freezing to death and because circumstantially it was just not doable for me to remain there. I won't go into the details but suffice it to say that the Lord miraculously worked out all things for me to be able to come to San Diego. I did not leave Canada to seperate from my wife. We had already been seperated for years and there was no hope of us getting back together or I would not have left. My wife could not even bring herself to come say goodbye at the airport or the phone. She had cut off even the possibility of communicating.

Recently she initiated to call me for various reasons that I won't get into here but mainly it was result of the Lord doing a work on her heart.

Thus our recent conversations.

I have always wanted to be together but on her part it has been all but impossible for me to rejoin her by her own wishes until just recently.

If a man wants to pursue the Kingdom of God and the wife is resistant to God (and by her own admission my wife was) there is little of anything the man can do other than to pray for her. Don't get me wrong...I have my own issues and I was not the kind of husband I should have been during the time I was with her years ago. I've confessed that to my wife and been forgiven just as I have forgiven her.

I do not believe for one minute that in the eyes of God a man who is seperated from his wife is automatically negligent in the things of God though that seems to be a prevalent opinion in the Christian world. Wife's are individuals too and sometimes they just don't want to be involved in being with their husbands in the way that the Lord would wish.

And this is not about me so proud that I will not even consider the possibility of taking my wife up on this as opposed to living on the street.

It is about whether it is good for me to go back up north without having the ability in any way, shape, or form with supporting my wife in my present circumstances. It is about whether I should re-enter into a relationship that turned real bad, real quick, and got real nasty years ago such that I felt the absolute need to seperate (as my wife also felt the need to do from me). It is about whether going back without any money will result in me and my wife getting into major seemingly irreconciliable disputes all over again resulting in yet another potential seperation.

I mean I think there is the potential to see our way through them given the repentance that the Lord has worked out in both our hearts so as to get us to start talking again but going to be with her while I am need isn't going to help things.

THAT is the issue I am trying to decide and would appreciate advise on. Not whether I should pursue the Kingdom of God without my wife (I shouldn't but only recently has my wife being even willing to consider getting back together), not wether cutting the grass is a great and awesome use of our life (I don't think it is), not whether I should be involved in ministry at all (I should as far as getting the Gospel out and otherwise building up my brothers and sisters in Christ are concerned...everyone of us should be involved in that all the time)....it is about whether going back out of need is better than living in the streets or whether I should better trust God to make a way for me here instead without putting on my wife the burden of talking care of me by going to be with her at this point in time.

THAT is the issue. Is it good and righteous for me to go home and be a burden on my wife...such that a problem that was there before in line with this became one of a number of issues that led to the problems in the first place OR is it better for me to wait on God to provide something for me here? She herself stated to me a few days ago that she wan't at place where she would want us to be together quite yet (I did not push that and it came up naturally in our conversation).

I would appreciate it if some of you wouldn't pigeon hole me into generally accepted notions of this or that among Christians in general. There is much more to this than the idea that I shouldn't be in ministry (or more specifically sharing the Gospel and building up my brethren) until I can get back together with my wife or not. Or that I should get my house in order before engaging in the same. For me to stop focusing on sharing the Gospel and building up Christians around me (my ministry) until I can work out the problems in my marriage is quite frankly ridiculous if that is what is being implied in the advice I have been given so far.

If I thought that the Lord wanted me to go be with my wife as a way for Him to provide for me I would call her this minute and arrange to fly out. Who cares if His provision is coming through my wife. God opposes pride and if pride is keeping me from embracing His provision through my wife there is no question that I should humble myself and go. No question. Do any of you seriously believe that I would be so incredibly stupid as to want to live on the streets just because I am too proud to consider being helped by my wife!? That is absolutely ridiculous!

This is about me not being certain that He wants to provide for me through my wife such that I become a burden on her. To the further hurt of our relationship (which I do not want). This is about my not being able to support my wife in my present circumstances such that becoming a burden on her through this might endanger the very thing I am trying to gently bring back to life. My marriage!

It's easy to assume that God would want this. But whether that is truly what He wants for me and my wife is another matter to prayerfull discern in view of all the potential pitfalls involved in my going back to be with my wife as a result of need rather than of want on both our parts.

Still...I can certainly see how the Lord could be using my need to get my wife to perhaps do by obligation as my wife (at least at first) something she would not want to do otherwise at this particular point in time (by her own confession to me a few days ago). I would rather sleep on the streets and literally so than force something upon my wife or any Christian as a result of my need.

Carlos

[carlos123]

As a means of helping you all see a little more clearly into my situation I wanted to post an email I just sent my wife....

I do believe that some of you, not all, are jumping the gun in terms of judging me unfairly without being fully aware of the situation or my heart in wanting to ask for advice on the choices that lie before me.

I've xxxxxx'd out some stuff that I did not want to make public such as my wife's name or the exact location of where she lives.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi honey,

I am making final arrangements to leave by tonight but had a question

for you.

A Christian friend of mine wants to discuss giving me some computer work

for him as a way of helping me pay the rent here at least for another

day or week (depending on the nature of the work involved...I need to

call him back at 1:00 PM) but I have also been thinking about what you

mentioned last night...namely the possibility of coming back to Canada

to be with you.

I do not want to come back to Canada to be with you honey as a result of

your feeling obligated to help me xxxxxxxx. If I were to consider your

gracious offer further I would want to do so from the standpoint that

you would WANT me to do that. Not from the standpoint that you would

feel a need to do that in view of my need...if that makes sense.

In other words I do not want your gracious offer to help me be one of a

gift given grudgingly but rather one of your gladly wanting to help me

in that way in line with God wanting all of us to be cheerful givers.

Bear in mind honey that many issues between us still need to be

discussed but such issues might be best discussed in person rather than

through a somewhat unreliable Skype. I want to do what is best from

God's standpoint honey and if you are willing to do the same...then I do

believe that any issues between us could be resolved. But it will take

time.

Job wise there is no question at this point that it would be easier for

me to find a job in xxxxxxxxxxx than down here where my living situation

is so unstable that I can't righly even apply for local jobs now that it

seems imminent that I will have to leave the area. And

economically...the situation down here is not good as you know. Not

good at all.

It might be easier for me to find something...any job there in xxxxxxxxxxx.

And I do want to work honey. It is not a matter of my not

wanting to work. I want to contribute my fair share. But I have tried

everything I can humanly do to make ends meet here and just have not

been able to do it and must conclude that the Lord wants me to do

something else or to at least to be open to having my needs met in some

other way other than just working to meet my immediate needs.

As I read this morning I came upon the verse about a man and woman being

one flesh and was particularly struck with the thought that a decision

to go sleep on a street corner is not one that I should be making on my

own given that in the eyes of God you and I are one. So I wanted to

call you to find out what YOU would want me to do.

You are not under any obligation at all to help me honey at least from

my end. None at all. What I am interested in knowing is what you WANT

me to do. Not what you think is best for me to do. Not what you are

willing to do. What you WANT me to do in view of us being one flesh in

the eyes of God.

I will leave my Skype on as much as I can to allow you to call me if you

want to discuss this further while I continue to try and work out a

local way of getting my needs met. On my end I will also try and call

you through Skype if I see you on.

Love,

Carlos

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let me just say that my wife has a been a great blessing to me in our conversations in recent weeks and I am indeed blessed to have her even considering the thought of giving me such help. Something that I have not initiated to have her do for me in any way, shape, or form. She offered on her own initiative. I just want to make sure that she did so not from obligation but rather from wanting me to be together with her again before I consider further her gracious offer.

As it is..it is possible that my Christian friend might be willing to give me some of the rent money up front in exchange for some computer work (depending on what he needs done and whether I can truly help him).

In any case...I would ask that anyone inclined to do so, please pray for me that God would be honored by whatever I decide to do in my circumstances. That He would lead me and give me grace to face whatever lies before me whether it be to work for my friend some, go and be with my wife in Canada again, or go sleep in some street corner in San Diego tonight using my last $5 to buy a bus pass to make it to downtown where there are likely to be more resources than way out here where I am in the suburbs.

Incidentally my friend is intimately connected to service agencies in San Diego and he himself was not able to come up with any better options for me than giving me some work himself. I even tried to give blood to make ends meet! I had called him because of a previous offer from him to help me store my suitcases and oherwise crash at his place if I should ever need it (something he simply cannot do at this point in time).

Carlos

[carlos123]

God comes through for me AGAIN!!

Just unreal!

After talking to my landlord last night and explaining that I simply could not stay here anymore if he did not have additional work for me that I could do in exchange for rent (how I "paid" my last month here) or cash to give him and coming to an understanding that I would move out as a result of his not having any more work for me and my not having any cash to give him...

He even said "no hard feelings" to me last night and we otherwise agreed to stay in touch...

He showed up just a few minutes ago telling me that "did I tell you to leave?" as a way of saying that he definitely wanted me to stay!!! He has some other work that he really wants me to do which involves helping him promote a business idea of his creating graphics for it and otherwise marketing it..some additional painting, internet research and a number of other things. All of which I can do!

Just unreal!!

This is the SECOND time that I have faced the possibility of my being homeless here and just like the other time the Lord came through for me through my landlord. Who isn't even a Christian!!

The last time I also was faced with having to leave as a result of not having money to pay the rent. And the same thing happened. At the very last minute my landlord stopped by to say that he wanted me to stay...that he did not want me giving blood to pay the rent.

I did not expect this at all this time around as our conversation last night made it all but inevitable that I had to leave if not by being put out at least by not being able to, in good conscience, stay without giving him something in return for staying here.

God has shown me unbelievable favor in the eyes of this man. Just unbelievable favor to where he just doesn't want to loose me as a tenant. I keep trying to leave when I have no money to pay him and he keeps coming up with ideas as to how I can stay!!

And all this in one of the most expensive, if not THE most expesive place to live in the entire country. Bear in mind that my rent here is ONLY $200 per month which makes it possible that I have THE best deal in ALL of San Diego bar none. Privacy, private bathroom and shower, free internet, water, electricity, small fridge, bed and desk, TV over the Internet, bus lines nearby (when I can afford a bus pass), and otherwise. There is NO ONE that has it this good for this cheap in all of San Diego!

Ultimately the glory belongs to God again and my heart has once again been tested as to whether or not I was going to walk forward surrendered to whatever the will of God was.

I praise the Lord God above for having been gracious to me again!

Thanks to anyone that was praying for me.

While this has been really hard on me it does get easier to trust God for provision with every such circumstance that I go through. Such that past experiences of His provision come to mind and encourage me to trust Him for a way across whatever Red Sea is in front of me at any particular moment in time.

Carlos

PS. One thing that I cannot understand is how readily even Christians judge me based on the external superficiality of my otherwise dire circumstances. If the Lord Himself was set against me as a result of knowing and intentional pride in my heart there is NO WAY that He would be working things out for me still. What happened today is just ONE of many, many such ways in which God has provided for me going back way before I even left Canada.

[Believer1997]

Carlos,

Again - I mean no disrespect. But I see a lot of excuses here and not a lot sense being made.

Your wife must be an amazingly forgiving and patient woman to have made this offer to you. You said you didn't like the cold - well, my friend, get a heavy coat and hat and deal with it. You say it's not about 'grass cutting' or doing all the other mundane things people must do to maintain a home. Those are called chores and they have to be done. Mundane, boring, etc. If it's not those chores it'll be other chores.

I think you should thank God that your wife wants you to come home and wants to help you. You should go and get the first job you can find and help out with bills and support and do whatever needs to be done to keep the house running.

When your responsibilities are met to supporting your family - then pursue your 'ministry'

1 Timothy 3:12

12A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.

1 Corinthians 7:32-34

32I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs

[carlos123]

(I am way over qualified for most low end jobs

When you are hungry and have survival issues there should be no job for which you are too "Qualified" to do.

Just wanted to comment on what you said Believer1997.

Please do not assume that I don't apply for jobs because I think I am overqualified. Forgive me Beleiver1997 but you are really, really mistaken in what seems like an assumption on your part.

I am overqualifed as a fact. Not based on my own idea but based on the reaction of others who have come to know my skills or have otherwise even spoken to me in an interview. One assistant manager wanted to have me apply to be a manager not a stock boy. I had to go back and plead my case in person by telling him that I was not interested in a career position just some work to pay my bills while I pursued some things over the Internet as my chosen career path.

Even my landlord sees my skills (such that he wants to keep me around), says I have smarts, and even he thinks that the fact that I have been self-employed in Canada for years running my own window cleaning business is stacking the odds against me here with respect to flipping burgers or otherwise.

Carlos

[Believer1997]

(I am way over qualified for most low end jobs

When you are hungry and have survival issues there should be no job for which you are too "Qualified" to do.

Just wanted to comment on what you said Believer1997.

Please do not assume that I don't apply for jobs because I think I am overqualified. Forgive me Beleiver1997 but you are really, really mistaken in what seems like an assumption on your part.

I am overqualifed as a fact. Not based on my own idea but based on the reaction of others who have come to know my skills or have otherwise even spoken to me in an interview. One assistant manager wanted to have me apply to be a manager not a stock boy. I had to go back and plead my case in person by telling him that I was not interested in a career position just some work to pay my bills while I pursued some things over the Internet as my chosen career path.

Even my landlord sees my skills (such that he wants to keep me around), says I have smarts, and even he thinks that the fact that I have been self-employed in Canada for years running my own window cleaning business is stacking the odds against me here with respect to flipping burgers or otherwise.

Carlos

Oh I know you are smart - you are well spoken and articulate. I have two college degrees and a post grad degree. Having all that did not stop the circumstances of my life from leaving me with a kid in college and one at home and a lot of bills as single parent. During those days, I worked a marketing job in the daytime and on nights and weekends cleaned buildings - scrubbed toilets, vacuumed, took out garbage, etc. to help make ends meet. Then when I had spare time - my 9 year old and I went dumpster diving for aluminum cans and scrap metal. So I've done plenty of things for which I was far over qualified for. A lot of people do. I know someone now with a masters degree working in a Pizza restaurant cleaning tables. That's no excuse anymore, Carlos - Sorry.