Marriage and divorce

[JesusisGod2]

Hello Brothers and Sisters,

Its been a while since I have actually posted anything, I have been content to pop in every once in a while a read the forums. However, I have read a thread recently about the subject of the church promoting adultry on these boards which have since been closed because of bickering.

I do not wish to continue that thread but to give a different perspective on the issue of marriage and divorce in particular. I have been a long time fan of Don Francisico and on his website he addresses this very subject and since his wisdom on the subject far exceeds mine, I would like to quote from Don Francisco' "Rocky Mountain Ministries" that beautifully ilistrate answers to some questions.

Does God Hate Divorce?

Of course, marriages are intended to be lifelong. But in this imperfect world divorce can sometimes be lifesaving. (Even God has been through a divorce. That's right, click on the above link, "Is Divorce A Sin?") The widely used verse in Malachi, where God seems to state that He "hates divorce", is mistranslated. What God hates is literally "the putting out" of a woman.

Putting out is altogether different than divorce in Jewish culture. A man would permanently kick his wife out, denying her the Jewish divorce certificate. This woman would still be legally married, but with no home. Her dowry and children would be retained by the husband. She would have already surrendered her virginity to him. She would be ineligible to remarry, since technically, she was still legally bound to her husband. Further, her culture would label her as an adulteress since she did not have a valid divorce certificate. And this lady couldn't just rent an apartment and get a job teaching kindergarten - there was no place for a put out woman in Jewish culture of that day except prostitution. Since the marriages were most often arranged, this whole horrible chain of events would have been completely out of her control.

The husband, however, was free to marry again and to do this as much as he liked. That is why Moses required a divorce certificate to be given... so that the marriage was legally, fairly, and religiously terminated and the woman would be free to remarry and go on with life.

For more info about this topic, do a search on the word "agunah". That means "chained women". The act of putting a woman out is still happening and today there are 1000s of "chained women" in Israel! A Jewish divorce certificate is so valuable that often after a man puts out a woman, he will legally obtain the certificate and then sell it to the highest bidder. "Agunah" is one of the greatest problems faced by orthodox Judaism today.

All over the Bible we have ignorantly and clumsily translated "put out" as "divorce". This has caused many errant doctrines to be formed and made a terrible mess out of millions of people's lives. The toll in human suffering because of our ignorance is overwhelming. The Bible simply does not say that God hates divorce. It says that God hates the putting away.

In the New Testament, Jesus continues to address this cruel breach of human rights. Nearly all of the verses translated "divorce" in the Gospels actually say "put away". It is a completely different situation which we have no equivalent for. Knowing this makes a world of difference. For instance, many believe that Christian remarriage is adultery. But Jesus did not say that if a man marries a divorced woman, he would be committing adultery. He said that if a man married a "put out" woman, he would be committing adultery. This is because she was technically still married! In Israel, putting a woman out is a devastating, intentional ruination of a woman's life. God still hates it.

We have mangled the meaning of what is going on here and used it to place people under a different type of legalism. The worst result of this mistake is that when a marriage does break down, people will often believe that God rejects them, and they will lose their faith just when they need it the most.

There are myriads of reasons why marriage relationships break down. God hates it when a heavy, inflexible grid of legalism is imposed on people and they are broken and turn away from Him as a result. It is obvious that marriages are intended to be lifelong and that every attempt should be made to reconcile and to recapture the first love that founded the relationship. But in this imperfect world, God's provision of divorce is sometimes vital, and can be lifesaving.

Is Divorce A Sin?

It is impossible for all divorces to be automatically sinful because God has been through divorce. That's right, check it out in Jeremiah 3:8 "Lo I had put her out and given her a certificate of divorce"...He is speaking of Israel.

Whether you consider this a literal divorce or not, if ALL divorces were a sin, you can bet those words would never have escaped Him. There is no place in the Bible where God Himself states, "Lo I committed adultery with her", or "Lo I lied to her", or "Lo I cheated her". That's because those things are sin - all the time.

Both marriage and divorce can be sinful depending on the circumstances. In an absolutely perfect world, the union between a man and a woman would be perfectly initiated by God and there would not be any destructive forces tearing at the bond. Marriages would never break down.

But this isn't a perfect world and some marriages become so emotionally, spiritually, and/or physically destructive that divorce can be life saving. That is why it is dangerous to slap a grid of legalism onto yourself or others.

The Bible does not forbid divorce, but God calls us to examine our hearts and to follow His specific leading. God wants us to live abundantly in His blessings. He will not entrap us, or force us to stay in our own traps to uphold an institution. The institutions of our loving God are never more important than the people within them. If He directs you to restore your marriage, then He has in mind a complete restoration of your relationship so that you can grow together and even exceed the love you had when you first met. Most marriages that fail do so for silly reasons when an attempt to reconcile would bring healing, health, joy, and strength.

God's idea of restoration is not just that you stay in the same house miserable so that things look good on the outside! God's idea of a marriage is an active thing where both people support, build, cherish, and nourish each other in Him. In fact, where exactly does the Bible say that marriage is an institution? Hmmm. If I had a choice between institutional food and a home cooked meal, I think I'd choose option B. I would rather think of a marriage as an ongoing love relationship that is so deep that many ministries and much abundance springs from it.

Galations states that we are no longer under law, but under grace. It is monumentally unhealthy to contend for a marriage on the basis that it is the legalistic and religiously correct thing to do. The greatest reason to contend for a marriage is that it is a love relationship. What we want is not so much to keep a marriage intact to outside appearances, but to genuinely heal the love. Then, we want to guard against that love being attacked and torn down again.

Churches should not be controlling people's decisions about marriage and divorce. Leaders should not be enforcing heavy loads of false doctrine that they have no part in carrying. As a Body, we should support our close friends and help each other make honest decisions. In troubled times, it's a good idea to get feedback from those who know us best and to seek God's leading. Ultimately the decisions are up to the individuals involved because they are the ones who will have to live out what they set up for themselves in the future.

Is Re-Marriage Adultry?

In Jewish culture, remarriage was not considered adultery for a man, in fact many men had multiple wives. Remarriage was not considered adultery for a woman unless she did not have a valid divorce certificate. Jesus said that if a man "put out" a woman, i.e. without a divorce certificate, he would be forcing her into adultery since few people could endure lifelong forced singlehood. Also, there were really no cultural options for a "put out" woman except prostitution. If another man married such a woman then he would be considered adulterous since she was still technically married to her first husband. Jesus was exposing the cruelty of the misuse of their system. (Please read the article, "Does God Really Hate Divorce" for a more complete explanation of "putting away" in Jewish culture.

Jesus was also implying that if a country enacts a law, that law may or may not be in agreement with God. Just because someone followed a written law did not absolve them from sin in God's eyes if the law was unethical or was used in an unethical manner.

We believe that the answer to the question, "is remarriage adultery?" is a heart question. In some cases we believe that marriage itself can be adultery. If someone woos another person into a corrupt and captive version of marriage for any reason other than true love and the calling of God, then we believe that this would be viewed as adultery by God. This may seem like a strong statement, but there are many people the world over who do this! Many use the marriages laws of their countries or corrupted Biblical principles to capture and own another person for the purpose of security, sex, money, slavery, and many other godless reasons.

The reasons for marriage and remarriage are many. If a person misuses American marriage laws, they can marry, use, and divorce one person after another for shallow reasons and be perfectly legal. But God would just see this as a string of adulterous relationships.

On the other hand, a person may have a marriage end for legitimate reasons. God can lead a person to a new partner and bless a second marriage and the love, life, and ministry that flows from it.

God sees the heart. He knows when people are using each other and He knows when there is the capacity and desire for real love expressed in a lifelong relationship.

Jeremiah 3:8 "Lo I had put her out and given her a certificate of divorce"...He is speaking of Israel.

Notice as Don quotes above that God put her ( Israel) out and also had given her a certificate of divorce. I thought this was a very good explanation of divorce from a scriptural viewpoint. Because saddly today, many peoples view of divorce equates with with the unpardonable sin.

In Jesus

kevin

[renren]

Matthew 5-31:33

31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'[a] 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

This scripture is clear to me and i think that alot of christians try to use the bible to justify their actions. It is clear from the above verses that long ago under moses law divorce was acceptable once you give your wife a certificate of divorce.... but now under the new dispensation divorce is not acceptable except for unfaithfulness, and even where that is concerned, the marriage can still be mended. If you read the entire chapter you would see Jesus making a comparison between moses' law and what He came to teach us.

Humans do not like commitment and will use God's word to suit them but the scripture is clear. Even on the issue of a saved person being married to an unsaved person it is clear what should be done.

[renren]

' He will not entrap us, or force us to stay in our own traps to uphold an institution. The institutions of our loving God are never more important than the people within them.'

I totally disagree with this statement.

1Corinthians 7:12-14

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

In the verses above, there is one saved person and one unsaved person. What is God saying to the saved person?? To uphold the institution of marriage and pray for the salvation of their husband. If the unsaved person wants divorce then fine... they are unsaved and know no better...but to the saved person He is sayin you know better..... do not divorce.

Matthew 19:7-9

7"Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Ezekiel 36:26

26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

The man that you quoted on based his entire argument on the fact that God meant marrige to be lifelong but because we live in a imperfect world divorce is not unlawful. It is clear that God under the old dispensation (Moses' Law) allowed divorce because of the hardness of the people's hearts. But under the New dispensation (new testament) we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us and that removes our hard heart and gives us a new heart. I think that too many christians want to live by their emotions and so use the bible to suit them.

IMO the only grounds for divorce is unfaithfulness(even this can be mended), if an unsaved partner no longer wants to be with his saved partner and physical abuse.

[renren]

'She would be ineligible to remarry, since technically, she was still legally bound to her husband'

'The husband, however, was free to marry again and to do this as much as he liked. That is why Moses required a divorce certificate to be given... so that the marriage was legally, fairly, and religiously terminated and the woman would be free to remarry and go on with life.'

This again is incorrect...

Matthew 19:8-10 (New International Version)

8Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

The man that you quoted from said that people mistake divorce and put away. But in Matthew which is it talking about?? Divorce or putting away?

Either way, Don, that man you quoted from was INCORRECT in saying that 'The husband, however, was free to marry again and to do this as much as he liked.'

The verse in Matthew did said that the husband would be committing adultery. 'anyone who divorces his wife.....and marries another woman commits adultery'. So even if in the text it was refering to putting away and not divorce it is the man that remarries is being called an adulterer.

So this distinction between putting away(not giving the woman a copy of the divorce certificate) and divorce is obviously not relavant because either way Jesus is calling the MAN an adulterer. So whether or not the wife has a copy of the divorce papers is irrelavant.

This seeks to suggest that whether it is putting away or divorce, once the person remarries its adultery.

This person's teaching is obviously not biblical.

[kross]

First of all, JESUS is explaining the results of divorce and the depth of the law to a people who were under the law.

It is unfortunate that divorce exists. But it does. This is a fallen world.

I am going to make a statement that I cannot back up with scripture or prove to anyone that it is fact. As Paul would say, I am not speaking by direction of the LORD but I believe I understand. I am not sure I can explain that understading.

JESUS is not in the business of condemnation. HE is in the busines of freeing the captives. Neither divorce, nor marriage are intended to be a life sentence of unhappiness. We all make mistakes. Our mistakes are not held against us by our CHRIST. We go through this life and we are forgiven.

Now, there are people who want to make a case that getting re-married is "wilfull sin". I can not argue against that that point. It might be. But it is not something that my GOD will hold against one of HIS children.

It is unfortunate that some will fail to understand that this relationship with GOD through JESUS is based in amazing grace and not in legalities.

"HE who the SON sets free is free indeed"

[Smalcald]

I basically agree we are forgiven and certainly divorce is forgiven if it invovled sin, if we repent. We cannot be forgiven for things we are honestly not sorry for.

Adultery is the major root of divorce and that is the true sin issue surrounding most divorce today, not simply getting the divorce which in and of itself is not a sin. The issue is will people give up thier adultery? Will someone who is divorcing and who has a new lover stop and repent?

Can we plan to repent after we get what we desire? If I meet a women now, lets say tonight and I find her to be my soul mate, can I eventually leave my wife and divorce over my wife's pleas to stay, and marry this new women, and then and only then I will go ask for forgiveness? Is that repentence?

[renren]

Yes i do agree that it is not about legalities but the bible clearly states that there is right and wrong. As christians i think we need to go back to the word and see what the bible says is right and wrong. Too many people use this 'we are not under the law but under grace' as an excuse to live by their emotions and desires instead of by the Word. I am not disputing the love of Christ and the gift of grace.

I know ppl. are human and we make mistakes..... but there is still right and wrong. Yes it is a fallen word and yes we have forgiveness through Christ.....that still does not mean that there is no wrong and right...if there was no wrong and right then there would be no need for forgiveness. So i am not disputing grace and forgiveness....... i am clearly stating the standards that are outlined in the bible. Dont twist the bible then say we all have grace.

Can i say ok we live in a fallen word so im going to have sex before marriage because we are under grace and its not about legalities???? No i cannot so fellow believes let us stop using God's gift of grace as an excuse to continue living by the flesh and emotions!!!!

[Smalcald]

[renren]

In the scriptures i quoted i do not see that as and explanation of the results for divorce.........

Matthew 5:38-39

38"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.'[a] 39But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

What was Jesus explaining here???? the results of revenge???

Or was He stating the old testament way and the new testament way??

Just as He did here...

31"It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'[a] 32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

I think divorce is wrong for any other reason that stated in the bible...and the bible is clear.... let us strive for the high calling of God and not use grace as our free ticket to do what we want.

[kross]

Yes i do agree that it is not about legalities but the bible clearly states that there is right and wrong. As christians i think we need to go back to the word and see what the bible says is right and wrong. Too many people use this 'we are not under the law but under grace' as an excuse to live by their emotions and desires instead of by the Word. I am not disputing the love of Christ and the gift of grace.

I know ppl. are human and we make mistakes..... but there is still right and wrong. Yes it is a fallen word and yes we have forgiveness through Christ.....that still does not mean that there is no wrong and right...if there was no wrong and right then there would be no need for forgiveness. So i am not disputing grace and forgiveness....... i am clearly stating the standards that are outlined in the bible. Dont twist the bible then say we all have grace.

Can i say ok we live in a fallen word so im going to have sex before marriage because we are under grace and its not about legalities???? No i cannot so fellow believes let us stop using God's gift of grace as an excuse to continue living by the flesh and emotions!!!!

The issue I have addressed is the idea of re-marriage. There are sins that we should not do. That is a given. I do not think JESUS intended this to be a statement against re-mariage but rather a statement of the results of divorce.

I am convinced HE doesn't intend for anyone to have to suffer through life alone, or in a bad marriage, as some kind of criminal life sentence for making a mistake.