ending doubts and depression is hard. i need help!

August 3, 2004

so far these last few years have been hard. it started with my best friend's dad having a brain tomber and then, dieing. it was hard and it got harder. one of my other best friends got lieukimia and for two years she was in the hospital having many rounds of kemo therepy and after the second bone marrow transplant, seeming fine at first, but, then she went into acoma. she was like that for weeks afterwards. i told myself she wasn't going to die and had high spirits. well, i was wrong. the day i told myself that was the day she died. just like that. it was two days after that that i found out. i took the next day off of school. after that, saying her name makes me cry. also, very few times i hear the song they played at the funeral during a slide show, i can only imagine, i choke up. i can't cry around people much anymore. but, you should see me when i get alone after someone trys mensioning her. i hate that. not only that but, i have no self asteam that is worth mensioning. i have to go to a public school this year for highschool. i don't want to. i am not the kind of person who says stuff like, "i am not going to talk about my religion because people won't think i am cool." i am the person who sings "what will people do if they hear that i'm a jesus freak? what will people say if they find out it's true? i don't really care if they lable me a jesus freak. there'll be no discising the truth!" i think it is because of caitlin, my friend that died. but, really, i am dead myself. i am dead in most ways except physical. i talk to God and i do it whenever i feel like it. (almost as much as i talk to my friends.) but, that dosen't help at all. God isn't comforting me. i mean, i am a freshmen in highschool. i am a writter, a poet, a bass player in a band in the making, a singer, and i have the mind of an evangalist. but, i don't think the heart. i figure i have to be a marter to make sure i die and go to heaven. i am lost. the Bible isn't helping. prayer isn't helping. i feel alone.

August 3, 2004

i just wish i could see. i wish i culd hear. everyone says there is proof but, i don't feel it.

August 3, 2004

August 3, 2004

*sigh*

August 3, 2004

hey, could you email me. i have to go.

traveller · August 3, 2004

When tragedies happen to us we always end up questioning why did it happen. We end up questioning our own faith.

I am so sorry about your friends. It's really hard to lose someone close. Please remember that this life is only temporary, and our real home is in Heaven. You will see your dear friend again.

As for feeling dead inside, that's understandable since you've been through so much. You say that prayer doesn't work, but I know that it does. God is real and He hears your tears whether or not you believe it. Just remember that He loves you so much and He wants to comfort you. It takes time.

I will pray for you. I will ask God to comfort you and to help you accept your friends' deaths. I will ask God to guide you in your new school. I will ask God to protect you and to open your spiritual ears and eyes.

Things will work out ok. Just be patient. Trust God. He does care. :il:

BroChuck · August 3, 2004

Dear Lj ... my heart goes out to you ... for i've been in yur shoes kinda.. I lost my brother and one of my sisters last year, I also lost My mother and Father 12 yrs ago 3days apart, And ive come to realize that had it not been the Lord carrying me thry those times .. i would have gave up....My friend, The Lord is With you and is working in you . youmay not Realze it right now . But He is .. We grow through these times and When something tougher comes along .. or maybe a a friend may go thru something simular to what you have you will be prepared.. The Lords word says All things work together .. we sometimes may not think so .. but The Lord can use things we look as bad for The the Good .. i know you are probably hurting terribly right now .. but Know .. the Lord is carrying you thru this ..,, He will Never Leave you or forsake you.. Its Hos Promise .. Stay in His Word and allow Him to speak to you .. Keeping yur eyes focused on Him and Not Of things happ0ening in this World .. Its all Temporary here and One day we can all look back and see The whole big picture ..... I Hope I've helped .....Love in christ Your Bro .... Chuck

nebula · August 3, 2004

Hey, LJ!

I know how you feel.

I grew up feeling alone and worthless and pointless and dejected and . . . . A few years ago, I discovered I had what is known as chronic depression - and I was struggling also with what is called a major depressive episode. These are actual mental conditions. They can be caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, or by painful circumstances in life, or by demonic influences.

Honey, you need to keep your heart worshiping the Lord even in the times you feel He's far away. He's not far; He's near - you are only being deceived. The devil has this stronghold on you, and you need to fight back. The devil is a thief and a liar!

And it's OK to mourn the loss of your friend. Stuff like that doesn't heal overnight. In olden days, people were given a month to mourn the loss of a loved one. They were smart. We should do the same. So just let yourself mourn her loss and get it all out - it's OK!

Pain needs to be embraced; it's the only way for it to be healed, believe it or not.

I pray you feel a touch from the Lord in your life!

FaithfulFollower · August 3, 2004

Truly am sorry for your losses as of late. Know where you are coming from, have walked that road before. When I was no more than thirteen my grandmother died of cancer. For weeks unend I went to pray to the Lord that somehow she would be healed, if that was his will. However, His will was not exactly what I wanted, so she went home to Heaven to be with him. For five years I was angry with the Lord and did not speak much of him, let alone with him silently in prayer as I once had. You are truly a strong young lady to continue to seek him out in these darker days you have been having and I encourage you to continue seeking him out and open your heart to him daily. No one can understand our pain as well as our transgressions as the Heavenly Father does. Should you need someone to talk to, I am here.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you as well.

With Love In Christ,

Danielle