Thoughts from Midnight

[wondering04]

Tess, thanks for recommending this post, you are right it is thought provoking.

Super Jew thanks for writing this. I have another category for you. Imagine a cornered animal with a light shining in their eyes, frozen in fear between the two camps. wanting love desperately and running at the remotest approach of love. That is where I fall.

I grew up in a home filled with abuse, there was sexual, physical, emotional and attempts on my life. Both parents were alcoholic and I learned early on that if someone said that they loved me it meant that they wanted something from me and it would hurt.

To survive I had two tactics, I kept a bit of Draino hidden so that there was a way out and was a bit less trapped knowing that my friend death would be there, and I put any tender areas so deep inside of me that no one could touch them, not even God.

Oh, I gave up on God when I was 8. By the time I was 8 there were already three attempts on my life, sexual touchings and many beatings. But at 8 my father began his sexual molestation in earnest. My mom knew what was going on and kept notebooks. She filled up two notebooks with times my father came into my room, several entries per page. I grew to hate the question, "I heard him in your room last night, tell me what he did." I would have to tell her in fear because her drinking might have let him know that I told her and he would kill me, but also because I had to tell her or she would kill me. She nevere missed a night when he came into my room. I was trapped. She spent her time complaining to her friends about how horrid my father was to be doing what he did to me, and at the same time comparing notes with me - you think you had it bad, he made me do...

I never gave God the time of day until about 4 years ago when I began to rage at him for abandonment and tried to figure out what He was doing at that time, it certainly wasn't being my loving father God. I still get afraid at God's agape love, because if God says He loves me, what does HE want and will it hurt?

I have become saved due to the kindness and persistence of a pastor who helped me to come to a realization that I needed a savior, but I am still stilted in my walk with God for the very issues you mention here.

About the only good that came from my past was that hurting kids feel comfortable talking with me and I am able to provide a bit of comfort and God's love to them.

Thanks for sharing this topic.

Heather

[wondering04]

One other thought came to mind on this topic, the idea of damaged goods.

If you are ruined by someone else's treatment, you walk through life feeling very damaged. You feel that it is your fault. You feel that you should have done something. You know instinctively that you are different from the people around you. There is a terrible guilt.

You find out you cannot love yourself, can't see how anyone else can love damaged goods, and of course why would God want to love you as you are no longer pure.

Later in life when you realize the extent of the abuse done to you, knowing that you can never be pure because that was taken from you by force, how can you accept love? How can you believe it is for you? You can give love, but even that seems tainted. It becomes a hopeless situation. And an endless loop of suffering.

Sorry for being so glum, but this is not a stellar night for me. Depression has set in bigtime.

Heather

[Kabowd]

I wish I had something profound to tell you right now that would just click and change everything. But the honest truth is, I don't know. I struggle with accepting love myself. All I can offer right now are my prayers and one simple word that keeps me hanging on: hope.

[wondering04]

Tess, thanks for caring and praying. I really need that right now.

Heather

[keslc]

One other thought came to mind on this topic, the idea of damaged goods.

If you are ruined by someone else's treatment, you walk through life feeling very damaged. You feel that it is your fault. You feel that you should have done something. You know instinctively that you are different from the people around you. There is a terrible guilt.

You find out you cannot love yourself, can't see how anyone else can love damaged goods, and of course why would God want to love you as you are no longer pure.

Later in life when you realize the extent of the abuse done to you, knowing that you can never be pure because that was taken from you by force, how can you accept love? How can you believe it is for you? You can give love, but even that seems tainted. It becomes a hopeless situation. And an endless loop of suffering.

Sorry for being so glum, but this is not a stellar night for me. Depression has set in bigtime.

Heather

:hug: Wondering04, everything you brought up is very natural and understandable feelings for someone who has been so deeply hurt. I said I came from a home with good loving parents and that is true, but incidents outside of my home have brought up some of those same feelings in me as well. (You may ask me more in a PM if you'd like to talk) As Tess said, I wish I had some profound words that would erase the pain and make everything all better, but I don't have that power. The Bible says in 2 Corinthians "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a NEW CREATION, the old has gone and the new has come". Does that mean you forget everything that happened, no, but God will restore you and heal you if you can open yourself up to Him. I know that is a hard thing to do. You ARE worthy because you are the daughter of KING! You are not tainted because you are made new. I am praying for you sister and you can feel free to PM me if you would like. (if not, that's ok, too!) When it's the hardest to pray is when you need to pray the most! I am praying! :hug:

[wondering04]

Dear Keslc, thanks for your prayers. I am sorry you too had to go through pain. I keep thinking of Isaiah 61 that God will replace beauty for ashes, the garment of praise for saddness. I hold onto that hoping.

I know we are made a new creation in Christ, but I suspect it takes time for the old fleshly nature to die. I suppose it is a process. Sometimes it is more painful than others. This is one of those times.

My pastor says that what is happening now is good, but it sure feels awful. The emotions are being linked with the memories. As a child I had to withdraw emotionally from the situation to survive, and now my pastor thinks that God is letting the feelings be put in so that they can be cleansed.

In I think it is Corinthians it talks about God refining us like a person who refines a precious metal. I read somewhere that the dross has to be burnt off, skimmed off, until the metal worker can see his reflection in a mirror. I guess that is sort of what might be happening now, at least I hope so. There has to be some rationale for this incredible emotional pain.

Thanks for supporting me in prayer in this. It is so necessary for me right now.

Heather

[keslc]

Dear Keslc, thanks for your prayers. I am sorry you too had to go through pain. I keep thinking of Isaiah 61 that God will replace beauty for ashes, the garment of praise for saddness. I hold onto that hoping.

I know we are made a new creation in Christ, but I suspect it takes time for the old fleshly nature to die. I suppose it is a process. Sometimes it is more painful than others. This is one of those times.

My pastor says that what is happening now is good, but it sure feels awful. The emotions are being linked with the memories. As a child I had to withdraw emotionally from the situation to survive, and now my pastor thinks that God is letting the feelings be put in so that they can be cleansed.

In I think it is Corinthians it talks about God refining us like a person who refines a precious metal. I read somewhere that the dross has to be burnt off, skimmed off, until the metal worker can see his reflection in a mirror. I guess that is sort of what might be happening now, at least I hope so. There has to be some rationale for this incredible emotional pain.

Thanks for supporting me in prayer in this. It is so necessary for me right now.

Heather

Bless you, sister, claim and cling on to those promises in the Bible!

[bad biker]

Wonderful insight, Super Jew.

and too many men reject any expression of love. Many of the reasons can be traced to a troubled childhood

And some men look for it in unhealthy sources, such as pornography. My husband learned to dull the pain of not getting love from his abusive father, with pornography. Eventually it caught up with him and nearly destroyed him and our marriage.

I am just so thankful that we have an Abba Father who holds on to us, even when we are not being very lovable. One who reaches for us when we cry out. And nothing can snatch us out of His hand once we belong to Him.

That is what my avatar is about.

[Guest WHITESTONE]

I've come to the conclusion that when people are deprived of love at an early age, they react one of two ways: desperate pursuit of it or isolation from it.

Desperate pursuit of it:

I remember once during a trip to Mexico City, my friends and I ran across some starving dogs. I mean, these dogs were down to the bone. Well, we had bought some food that just...wasn't the best. It was so bad that we went without eating because we couldn't stand the taste, or the smell of it. So we threw it to the dogs and watched them fight over it, and fight over it, and fight over it...at the time (I was 14, so young, stupid, and immature) it was funny. Reflecting back on it though, it reminds me of a Proverb:

"A sated man loathes honey, but to a famished man any bitter thing is sweet." (27:7)

In a way, it's like a lot of guys and girls I know. I worked with youth (taking a break), yet a lot of those kids were in desperate search for love. They would take whatever was thrown in front of them. I'd watch girls get abused by a guy, yet because he offered some form of love in their opinion, they ate it up. No matter how bitter it was, they would still eat it all up. The woman at the well had expirienced bitter love. Yet in just a small encounter with jesus, she finally discovered true love. This song by Pedro the Lion really sums it up:

if you could really see

then you would ask of me

she knew the well was far too deep

for him to wet his lips

but something told her that he spoke

of so much more than all of this

when he spoke she wanted to believe

the things he said

but who could this man be

that she might never thirst again

her heart raced

could he be the one we've waited for

the one we've waited for

Abandoned Love:

Every once and a while there's a special on TV that talks about Romanian orphanages. To give you a picture of what it's like, it's basically hell on earth. These kids are dropped off at the orphanage and left to be. There are too many kids and too little workers. The babies are left with bottles at an early age to learn to feed themselves. They cry and cry to begin with, but eventually stop crying, knowing that no one will help them. These kids grow up without a physical touch and learn to rely soley on themselves. When they're adopted, they do not only not know how to recieve love, but they reject it. The parents adopting have to hold the child while the child kicks and screams. In one segment, the father held onto this child while the child kicked and screamed and yelled. He clawed at the father to the point the father began to bleed. The father was crying but still held onto the child lovingly, showing the child love. Eventually the child calmed down, rested his head on the adopted father's shoulder, and fell asleep. The child had learned to accept love.

Some of us are that way, or we know people that way. They have grown up literal orphans or spiritual orphans who have not known love. Instead of seeking out love, they fear being abandoned again. Like the Romanian baby fears to cry knowing no one will come to his rescue, these people fear loving again knowing that it could not happen. When they encounter love, they do not know how to take it. They fight it, they reject it...yet we should still love them no matter what. We should love them until they are broken and learn to accept love.

So which type are you? Are you desperately in search of love, taking even the bitter types of love in order to just get a feeling of it? Or are you rejecting God's love? Are you fighting against it? Are you the Romanian orphan in the arms of the Father? Whichever you are, remember this:

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are." 1 John 3:1a

too easy, its not either /or,love is simple but complex and comes in different forms, of the easiest to obtain is the the least worth, and the most desired is found by few and never ends.

[Kabowd]

Bumping this. I needed to read it again and thought someone else could benefit from it too...