Thoughts from Midnight

[wondering04]

I am sorry that I keep coming back to this topic. I hope that it is ok. I guess I still feel that it is possible that when someone is hurt so badly when they are a kid, that maybe there is no way that repairs can be made. I am finding myself poised to run from God at a second's notice. Oh, my mind tells me that that is the wrong action, but the hurting child within wants to back off scared.

How does one learn to trust God when God didn't do much to protect you as a child? Is it really intelligent to try and trust when past facts show that there was no protection. I struggle with this so.

Heather

[yomotalking]

I've just read this topic for the first time and thought it was very interesting.

You see, I was in a Romanian orphanage when Mum and Dad came, brought me to England and adopted me. My parents have told me that when I was small, I would scream and cry and scratch them when they tried to cuddle me. So, they used to wrap me up tightly in a blanket and hold me until I calmed down ( and stopped breathing!!) LOL!

(Seriously)...I can't remember any of this (and it's just as well) but today I love my family and friends and I love having cuddles!(but NOT the sort that are so tight they make me scream!) Most of all, I know that God loves me.

It makes me sad when I hear about others who have had unhappy backgrounds and how it affects them as they grow up. I've often felt unhappy as all my life I have been bullied, because my face is different to other people's, and I can't speak very clearly. Sometimes I have cried bitterly. But one day I know that I'll have a new face and a new voice and then I'll be able to sing without everyone clapping their hands over their delicate ears at my "warbling"!!

Yomo

[apothanein kerdos]

I've just read this topic for the first time and thought it was very interesting.

You see, I was in a Romanian orphanage when  Mum and Dad came, brought me to England and adopted me. My parents have told me that when I was small, I would scream and cry and scratch them when they tried to cuddle me. So, they used to wrap me up tightly in a blanket and hold me until I calmed down ( and stopped breathing!!)  LOL!

(Seriously)...I can't remember any of this (and it's just as well) but today I love my family and friends and I love having cuddles!(but NOT the sort that are so tight they make me scream!) Most of all, I know that God loves me.

It makes me sad when I hear about others who have had unhappy backgrounds and how it affects them as they grow up. I've often felt unhappy as all my life I have been bullied, because my face is different to other people's, and I can't speak very clearly. Sometimes I have cried bitterly. But one day I know that I'll have a new face and a new voice and then I'll be able to sing without everyone clapping their hands over their delicate ears at my "warbling"!!   

Yomo

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

That is absolutely awesome. You are a walking example of God's love on this earth.

[Botz]

Super Jew

That is absolutely awesome. You are a walking example of God's love on this earth.

Yomotalking=A chosen,loved,redeemed,living,walking,talking vessel that carries the glory of G-d in spite of difficulties and heartache...a fighter and not a quitter with her heart anchored to the Rock of Ages.

O Lord, my God,

When I in awesome wonder;

Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made.

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Refrain

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee;

How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander;

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;

When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur,

And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze.

Refrain

And when I think of God, His Son not sparing;

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in,

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing;

He bled and died to take away my sin.

Refrain

When Christ shall come, with shout of acclaimation;

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow, in humble adoration,

And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

Refrain

[Catsmeow]

SuperJew: you really blow my mind sometimes...esp when you come up with something like this.

This sorta strips away all the pretense and fascade we erect in order to be seen as just ordinary people.

When I was a teenager, I "defined myself" be a song by a pair of muscians *(Simon and Garfunkle).

The song that "defined my life" was "I am a rock; I am an island".

I believed that song was the story of my whole LIFE and I was nothing else but a rock. And 'I touch no one and no one touches me...and an island NEVER DIES..."

I had ZERO connect with other human beings. I described myself once to my children as "dead". That's sad but I was so far "gone" I said to my children when they were young that their "mommy" was dead. I died a long time ago.

They didn't understand that.

I told them that when I was young, I was alive. I felt things.

When you get older, something inside of you just dies. It never comes back. It just dies.

Someday, you'll be like me and you'll just die. You're heart will beat but you'll just be dead. You'll walk but you'll be dead.

I believed that with all my heart.

Think I wasn't "screwed up" really bad? I was so, so close to pickin' up that shotgun and rigging it up to blow myself away...a few bottles of wine later, and I wouldn't even feel it.

PRAISE GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE stopped me! He intervened. He sent in Christian reinforcements to STOP ME and turn me around!

So, I've "hit bottom" and been so low you cannot get lower. Impossible.

But I've also seen God take us when we've hit the LOWEST point and turn our entire lives around and fill us with hope and the newness of life.

Our God is an AWESOME GOD!!!!!!

[yomotalking]

Botz, it makes me feel all tearful when you say things like that about me. It sounds like someone else. Thankyou very much.

Catsmeow, Hi to my buddie! God loves you dearly.

yomo

xxxxxxx

[wondering04]

Dear Catsmeow, my heart goes out to you! I have been at that same place where death meant more than life. In fact, I still sort of feel dead inside, but the downward spiral has stopped. But life hasn't returned. Not sure it can. Maybe some things that are broken will never be fixed.

yomotalking, You are a remarkable person! To have grown so much is awesome. God has been good in your life!

Heather

[darkest_red]

In a way, it's like a lot of guys and girls I know. I worked with youth (taking a break), yet a lot of those kids were in desperate search for love. They would take whatever was thrown in front of them. I'd watch girls get abused by a guy, yet because he offered some form of love in their opinion, they ate it up. No matter how bitter it was, they would still eat it all up.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I see this so often. I work for Social Services Legal Department at my LA and it is nothing short of horrific the amount of times we'll start proceedings against a parent or parents for neglect, abuse etc and there are previous proceedings involving the parent and it is close too, if not exactly the same as the case we're dealing with now. In a lot of the cases, the mother has been putting up with a violent partner for a long time, making excuses for him and clinging on to their own perception of love, even though to most people that isn't what love is about at all. It used to shock me how many times the previous proceedings would echo the present proceedings but now, to some extent at least, I'm more used to it. That isn't too say it doesn't effect me though, my heart goes out to these poor people who need to feel love so much they are willing to feel wanted at their own cost, and usually the cost of any children they may have. I have heard some horrific cases of abuse and neglect and whereas I have to say very little shocks me now, I still feel overwhelmingly sad for each and every child and for each parent that feels they need that kind of 'love' because it may be the only kind of 'love' they do recieve.

A shocking statistic (I'm not sure how up-to-date this is but I'm willing to bet it's still accurate) is that 70% of people who have been abused go on to abuse someone themselves. I see that every day at work and it is a terrifying thought. A lot of these people are so damaged they will never fully recover but so many good people are willing to help them try. One of the things that really made me smile was a few months ago when one of the child care lawyers was reading to us a statement from the foster carer of a boy who had been abused and was saying he was polite, helpful and friendly. That made me smile because so often they are the exact opposite. I am not judging people about this, it was just nice that he was not so damaged that there was no way forward.

I am lucky, I grew up with parents and siblings who love me (even if they do claim I'm spoilt, being the youngest!) and I have great friends and a boyfriend who love me and care for me no matter what. I am very grateful for that. Humans tend to take things for granted but I hope I will never take what I have for granted as there are so many people who have not got someone to love them and to care about them.

[ZOEgirl 4 GOD]

Desperate pursuit of it:

I remember once during a trip to Mexico City, my friends and I ran across some starving dogs. I mean, these dogs were down to the bone. Well, we had bought some food that just...wasn't the best. It was so bad that we went without eating because we couldn't stand the taste, or the smell of it. So we threw it to the dogs and watched them fight over it, and fight over it, and fight over it...at the time (I was 14, so young, stupid, and immature) it was funny. Reflecting back on it though, it reminds me of a Proverb:

"A sated man loathes honey, but to a famished man any bitter thing is sweet." (27:7)

In a way, it's like a lot of guys and girls I know. I worked with youth (taking a break), yet a lot of those kids were in desperate search for love. They would take whatever was thrown in front of them. I'd watch girls get abused by a guy, yet because he offered some form of love in their opinion, they ate it up. No matter how bitter it was, they would still eat it all up. The woman at the well had expirienced bitter love. Yet in just a small encounter with jesus, she finally discovered true love. This song by Pedro the Lion really sums it up:

if you could really see

then you would ask of me

she knew the well was far too deep

for him to wet his lips

but something told her that he spoke

of so much more than all of this

when he spoke she wanted to believe

the things he said

but who could this man be

that she might never thirst again

her heart raced

could he be the one we've waited for

the one we've waited for

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't visit the Discussion Forums very often, but I saw this topic and I read everything, how everyone is hurting. I didn't realise there were so many people. I think I'm searching for it. I know my family loves me, but it doesn't feel like it. I've had 5 boyfriends, two of which harrassed me after we broke up, one who still is. Last year in 8th grade, at the beginning of the school year, my first ex-boyfriend dumped me during the summer. Once the school year started up, he would sit with my friends and I and harrass me, and the security gaurd would always drag him away. He was in my 6th grade class, and everytime I described something to my friend, since he sat next to her, he would listen in on us. Once I was wearing all black to school, black nailpolish, black lipgloss, black hairtie, black shirt, black pants, black shoes, the whole deal. Well, I call those days my "Black Days". And all day he was calling me a Goth. This harrassment went on for half the school year. I finally broke, I ran to my mom and told her what was going on, all she did was call into a Parent/Principal meeting. She told the principal what was going on, but nothing happened he kept harrassing me. I was finally driven to suicidal thoughts. I told my sister-in-law what was happening in confidentiality, she told my mom, and they put me on RISE, a homeschooling program. I was to live with my sister-in-law and she would homeschool me. I fell into a deep depression and everytime I was around a knife, I would be tempted to grab it, but everytime I tried, my S.I.L. walked into the kitchen. She had no idea what was going on. I brought my journal with me and I would always write about how much I hated life and I felt that everyone abandoned me. Well, I wasn't going to church at the time, and finally my S.I.L. started taking me. The first night I went, there was a sermon on suicidal people that opened my eyes, I started getting better, and my S.I.L. sent me back to school. Garrett was still harrassing me for about a week then he moved to Texas (Thank God). So I was fine for awhile. But I still felt unloved. So I went through four guys to feel love, but none worked out. Well, another of my boyfriends was near the end of my 8th grade school year. He isn't a Christian, and I didn't feel any "Chemistry" with him so I broke it off. At first he was friendly, but at the beginning of this school year, he started spreading rumors that we're still dating. My friends think it's funny, only one actually understands how hard this is. He tried to get me back and made a huge scene in front of the entire school. And he's still harrassing me saying he's going to marry me and things like that. My depression has begun to come back. And I still feel it. I feel I'm searching for love, I still feel I need a guy beside me to make me feel love.

I didn't mean to rant, but I just felt like I needed to say something. Now I'm going to shut up.

[darkest_red]

Last year in 8th grade, at the beginning of the school year, my first ex-boyfriend dumped me during the summer. Once the school year started up, he would sit with my friends and I and harrass me

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I sorta know how you feel, I was stalked for about 3 months a few years ago and I have never been so scared in my life. The first day it happened I got home and went straight to my bedroom, fell on the floor and cried for hours. I was shaking so badly I couldn't hold a cup to make a drink or anything, I could do nothing but cry. The next day it happened again and I felt even worse. After about 3 months I told my parents but only because he started running after me shouting something (I don't know what) and I picked up my mobile and rang my home phone, mum answered and by this time I was in floods of tears. He walked off in the oppostie direction but I didn't stop crying for hours. The next time it happened, I called dad straight away, he met me and mum called the police while dad made sure the guy didn't run off. The police came and said all they could do was take his name and address. my parents weren't happy but I was just glad it was over. The police said they thought he had a mental illness. The next day I saw him again and he smiled at me and at that point I knew he knew exactly what he doing and he knew the effect it was having on me.

It took me about 6 months before I dared go anywhere on my own and years later I still find myself looking over my shoulder far more times than I should. That was one of the worst times of my life, I felt permanently scared, paranoid and depressed but I came out of it and I'm doing okay. I'm not back to normal but I am feeling a lot braver now than I was, though I do hate myself every time I look over my shoulder because I'm sure I should be over it by now.