strange dilemma...polite assertiveness?!?

[freeinnocentspirit]

Need some advice Im sure that most of you here would be able to help me as handle this issue - as im sure I wont be able to without thinking it through before I take action.

My situation is this, my parents have a 15 year age gap and my dad is now well into his 70's (he has a few health problems and doesnt participate in family life as much as he could) and my mum is approaching her 60's. While my mum was young it was a different situation she could handle a lot of the family activities and a lot of the stresses of family life alone. However I have to say since the past 2 or 3 years there is this greater need for me as the youngest to be alomost a partner in taking a part of the stress and the strains too. Its so many little things that are starting to winde me up to the point where I at times want to run for the hills!

Without me boring you all with a list of all the incidents, I'll just you give the most recent one. I am the designated driver of the family and the deal was when we go to attend a local community event I would pick up a two people from a house which was around the corner from my house. So I said yes no problem. Then as we were returning from the event I agreed to again drop off the people I picked up - it made sense to me. However, my mother took it upon herself to invite everyone to get a lift home from me (so this entails me driving back and forth over and over and over again to that venue and to the persons home like a minicab driver!) however I said no but still my mum insisted another person who lives a good distance away from us is dropped off (I only drive a fiesta its not a bus thankfully) on the way home this extra person got so loud and became a distacting that I stupidly got distracted and drove through a no exit sign (in the UK this is a fine on the spot) trusting my bad luck a police car was on patrol and I got stopped. Luckily the police did not add any points to my license and they kindly warned me. In general its all this constant assisting that I have had to do which is taking up all of time.

Its so many little things that I seem to be assisting with that I shouldnt have to do - I just cant think of a way to get out of this position without severely hurting her feelings. I understand that as parents age the children should try and accodate the parents needs its like now im in a position where she seems to be creating stress for me. Its like the basic tasks that she would do on a daily basis that now she seems suddenly completly unable to do so suddenly every little action needs assisting! Have any of you had to deal with an over dependant family member before? How did you overcome or manage this. I love my parents and will forever be there for them but I need to get a message through to my mum that she is causing a lot of stress my way but now over depending on me. Please help!!

[nChrist]

A couple of questions make all the difference in your situation: are you still living at home or otherwise still receiving support from your parents? If so, it might be reasonable for your mother to ask you to help beyond what you're wanting to. If you're out on your own, paying your own bills, and taking care of all your car expenses - that's another story entirely. Then it might be reasonable for you to say no. Much might also depend on who owns the car and what agreements you have made with your parents. We're just getting one side of the story.

[Ladyhrtlovesu]

Dear Free,

I have been a caregiver for over 15 years. I've worked with aging and the elerly. I've also taken care of my own mom when she was sick with cancer up until her death. Keeping in mind, I don't know the full extent of your own circumstances, I'll try to help as much as possible.

Need some advice Im sure that most of you here would be able to help me as handle this issue - as im sure I wont be able to without thinking it through before I take action.

My situation is this, my parents have a 15 year age gap and my dad is now well into his 70's (he has a few health problems and doesnt participate in family life as much as he could) and my mum is approaching her 60's. While my mum was young it was a different situation she could handle a lot of the family activities and a lot of the stresses of family life alone. However I have to say since the past 2 or 3 years there is this greater need for me as the youngest to be alomost a partner in taking a part of the stress and the strains too. Its so many little things that are starting to winde me up to the point where I at times want to run for the hills! Not knowing your mom, I'm wondering if she is not suffering complete burn out with having had the lion's share of responsibilty in dealing with your aging father's needs. Sounds like she's been though a lot. As she has gotten older, it has become harder for her to deal with everything. Also, is it possible your father gets more attention because of his age and needs than your mom? Could she actually be feeling left out and trying to get attention by demanding more assistance? Just thoughts, as I don't really know her.

Without me boring you all with a list of all the incidents, I'll just you give the most recent one. I am the designated driver of the family and the deal was when we go to attend a local community event I would pick up a two people from a house which was around the corner from my house. So I said yes no problem. Then as we were returning from the event I agreed to again drop off the people I picked up - it made sense to me. However, my mother took it upon herself to invite everyone to get a lift home from me (so this entails me driving back and forth over and over and over again to that venue and to the persons home like a minicab driver!) however I said no but still my mum insisted another person who lives a good distance away from us is dropped off (I only drive a fiesta its not a bus thankfully) on the way home this extra person got so loud and became a distacting that I stupidly got distracted and drove through a no exit sign (in the UK this is a fine on the spot) trusting my bad luck a police car was on patrol and I got stopped. Luckily the police did not add any points to my license and they kindly warned me. In general its all this constant assisting that I have had to do which is taking up all of time. If your going to be there for the long haul to help your parents, your going to have to have a talk with your mom. It is OK to put down some limits and boundaries. It is ok to say no. I'm sure, when your mom was able, she was probably very gracious in helping others and perhaps she does not fully understand the stress and not to mention cost of gas all that took from you. Perhaps, before any big outting, you and could talk with your mom about the plans. Detail what your able and unable to do. If friends are riding along, you and her could make a list of the people who will ride with you. Then, stick to the list. If she asks you to deviate from the list, gently but firmly tell her, you can not afford to do what she is asking you to do. That you need to stick with the plan. It might take a few times before she gets used to sticking to the pre-made plans.

Its so many little things that I seem to be assisting with that I shouldnt have to do - I just cant think of a way to get out of this position without severely hurting her feelings. I understand that as parents age the children should try and accodate the parents needs its like now im in a position where she seems to be creating stress for me. Its like the basic tasks that she would do on a daily basis that now she seems suddenly completly unable to do so suddenly every little action needs assisting! Have any of you had to deal with an over dependant family member before? How did you overcome or manage this. I love my parents and will forever be there for them but I need to get a message through to my mum that she is causing a lot of stress my way but now over depending on me. Please help!! It could be your mom is crying out for more attention and the only way she thinks she can get attention is by demanding help. Again, not sure how much more attention your dad gets, but it might be possible she is just trying to seek attention. Its ok to gently remind her she can do something herself, if she asks for you to do it..and your not able to right then. Also, maybe it would be helpful if you and her were to sit down and together make a list of those things you are able/willing to help with...and a list of things she can do for herself. (so she can look at the list as a reminder).

If you have anymore questions or if you need any more help...or just someone to talk to and vent...your more than welcome to send me a message. Also, my email information is on my profile. God bless you and I'll keep you in prayer.

Edited June 3, 2012 by Ladyhrtlovesu

[freeinnocentspirit]

hi Nchrist, I actually stayed close by my older brother and sister live further away so as I like the area I live nearby and it was due to the fact that on the occassion my mum or dad need help asap I would at least be the close by to run over and help. As for the ownership of the car there has never been an issue like this ever before (I always get ready do the 20 minute drive to my parents and pick them up so its never been an issue) and this needy and attention seeking issue is a very new issue I can probably say it started early this year even. I have been putting a lot of things down to stress or old age but however this car- minicab service was just a case of common sense how and why should I drop that many people off home and have to go back and forth collecting them from the venue over again.

Ladyhrtlovesu, Thank you so much for your advice. My dad does and has always needed support and the level of the care that he needs isnt more than it used to be. Long before me actually posting on here I have been trying to think of a way to address this issue. So jokingly I would say 'oh I dont know mum, since when was I your pa!' or to clearly just say I dont know, how did you manage that before? I know I needed to set a boundary there. I have been trying to work out what the issue actually is because even though I am out living separate its like constant text messages for something or a call. Which is completly basic (the funniest one has to be when electricity cut out and instead of calling an electician she called me in the middle of the day asking me what to do! so its a case of state the obvious!) I actually think it might be that fact that she knows im not working at the moment that has made her think I have a lot of spare time - to assist her in every aspect of life.

The incident last night (the stupid driving error) was so unthinkable that I just said look its a fiesta how will more than four people fit? Im still a bit annoyed at the whole scenario but its like basic fact had never entered her mind. Once I said its a fiesta there was this look of sudden realisation of great truth and she said oh yeah yeah - I forgot that . So I said just the extra person no one else. It just seems to be that she has decided that as I have stayed close by and always provided an emotional support that now she wants to off load everything to me. To be completely honest its like a cross between lazyiness and attention seeking and I dont really know what started it.I think I know where the idea came from though.

Both my parents went away on holiday (dec 2011) and my dad came back sick. I live 20 mins drive away and I have the car. When they had been away I offered to keep an eye on the house and swing by pick up any bills and pay them and just make the house dust free/clean the fridge out. As they returned I did actually go in do a good house clean and even cook a ton of food and leave it in the fridge to eat (my dad had a chest infection on his return which I heard about before their return) its like all the little things I did back then must have sparked this idea off.

Even my brother had said back then to me now you've done this your in it now. We dont mind helping out the extra bit - I would do that for anyone not just my parents. However I think I need to set a clear boundary now before it all gets too much.

Edited June 3, 2012 by freeinnocentspirit

[BFP]

Well, maybe a little chat with your mom about placing them in a care facility or elderly home will have her more interested in keeping her independence. Not to be mean or anything, but if faced with the idea of all she has to give up and all the independence being taken from her, she may just pull up her socks and claim her independance back while she still can Know what I'm saying? At the same time though, your mom just may be getting ill and hasn't said anything, but is really not able to do alot of the things she used to, or perhaps not able to think so clearly anymore.

[freeinnocentspirit]

Well, maybe a little chat with your mom about placing them in a care facility or elderly home will have her more interested in keeping her independence. Not to be mean or anything, but if faced with the idea of all she has to give up and all the independence being taken from her, she may just pull up her socks and claim her independance back while she still can Know what I'm saying? At the same time though, your mom just may be getting ill and hasn't said anything, but is really not able to do alot of the things she used to, or perhaps not able to think so clearly anymore.

This thought had crossed my mind first thing this morning. Its like a her personality has changed so so much - ok the forgetful thing I understand. I can be forgetful too at 30! But this is like total childish behaviour, its like the moment I dropped everyone home and I dropped her off. She called me (at what was then 1am) and needed to discuss it. What is there to discuss I did a road traffic error a camera will pick it up I will get a fine in the post. She sat in the car with no reaction even when I got stopped. In the car nothing was said then 45 minutes later the whole incident sort of set in.

Your so right about the need to instill a fear - I may need to be tactical!

[BFP]

You might want to look into the beginning signs of dementia before you try to use any scare tactics with her...just in case there is valid reason for her being the way she is. Take some time and try and figure out what is going on with her first.

http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_10_signs_of_alzheimers.asp

[freeinnocentspirit]

to be honest it seems to be a case of pure attention seeking. Like the scenario where a few people needed a lift home she suddenly felt very important and special that she was getting carried away, once I reminded her that its a small family car she sort of awoke to reality. Im actually thinking this could be a part of a menopause element too - she is 59 and I think a few of the issues are very similar to an almost PMT sufferer.

[gdemoss]

We are only bound by the commands of Christ. As long as what your choosing to do fit in the confines of loving God with all your heart, mind, soul and body while loving your neighbor as yourself, then your doing fine. We are told to present our bodies as a living sacrifice unto the Lord so that he may walk in us and do his work. My question is always "What is God trying to get accomplished here?". After all this life is about him and not us as we are dead and our life is hid in Christ, that is if we truly are dead in him and alive unto God. If I am otherwise minded it always shows up as grief and stress in my life as I am too busy being alive and not dead to self. So once again I return to Paul who reminds me to die daily that I not have the issue of self in the way of whatever it is that God would like to do with me today.

Just some thoughts that came to mind.

Gary

[Barkley]

It's one thing to assist your parents with their activities at home, but it's quite another to take on all the extra things that your mum would do if she were the one doing them. From my perspective, this appears to be a communication breakdown. From my perspective, I think it would be valuable to sit down with your mum and reinforce the idea that you love them and want to help keep things running smoothly at home, and that you want to help others, but you'd prefer to be the one to offer your services (such as shuttling others to and from events). If your mum understands that doing these extra things is stressing you out, wouldn't she want to avoid that? I just think there needs to be some extra discussions around this issue so that everyones' needs are met. God bless you as you work through this with her.