Dating vs. Courting

[nebula]

Doesn't courting involve the supervision of the parents?

As I understand things, "courting" is a resurrected term used by Christian groups as a better alternative to the modern "dating game". What rules they go by depends on the group, I guess.

[nebula]

GE, I was hoping you would expand on this:

D. Dating

They are not allowed to date freely. On an episode of 19 Kids and Counting, when asked what it's like to date a Duggar girl, Jill responded, "Talk to my dad. He knows what we're looking for in a guy and future spouse."

The parents believe that their children should find spouses through parent-guided “courtships” rather than through dating. Dating is portrayed as “practice for divorce” rather than more realistically as “practice for carrying out relationships.”

I actaully agree with the "dating" problem. Dating implies having physical relations as you discover if this person is "the one" or not. This is a complete set-up for heart-break and other negative consequences.

E. How to be a pure woman

The mother actually wrote a list of rules for how a woman is to behave as a wife, that includes everything from reassuring his position of authority to styling her hair.

I don't think men should style hair unless they have a nack for it, but I would think a wife's hairstyle should please her husband.

As for the rest, as I read through the link, I thought of the thread.

Good thoughts and points sister.

I would say that dating doesn't always imply having a physical relationship. My parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents (on both sides) dated without any impropriety. I think the whole concept of courtship is over-emphasized by some in today's culture.

You can date and have a relationship that pleases God. You can court and have a relationship that pleases God. On the other hand... You can date and not have a relationship that pleases God. You can court and have a relationship that doesn't please God too.

To me there is no one size fits all mold. Courtship is simply impractical depending on the circumstances of where you live and your family lives. I think age is also a factor. Of course self-control and more importantly putting God first is the most important things too.

My 2 cents...

God bless,

GE

What goes through your head when you hear the words "dating" and "courting"?

[GoldenEagle]

Doesn't courting involve the supervision of the parents?

As I understand things, "courting" is a resurrected term used by Christian groups as a better alternative to the modern "dating game". What rules they go by depends on the group, I guess.

I. Courting – Again there are various definitions and standards for courting. I believe Nebula is right this is a concept that has been resurrected by certain Christian groups. Courtship today often includes parental and family guidance. In particular, a man seeking to court a young lady can often be expected to be interviewed by the father of the potential young lady. Courtship, unlike dating, often happens with parental supervision in the home of the parents of both the guy and girl in question.

Personal note: I courted my wife as this was her wish and the wish of her family when I met her. We spent a lot of time in her family and my family’s home. Sometimes I felt like I was "dating" my now wife's dad just as much if not more than his daughter. By that I mean we went out for coffee about 2-3 times a month and spent 3-4 hours talking, praying, and getting to know each other. This doesn’t mean it’s a cookie-cutter-one-size-fits-all proposition. I can tell you plenty of stories that ended bad (heartache, break-ups, and even divorces after marriage) in courtship situations.

A. I believe the courtship movement really gained momentum with the book that came out in 1997 when Joshua Harris wrote “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”. Here's a summary of the book:

Joshua Harris’s first book, written when he was only 21, turned the Christian singles scene upside down...and people are still talking. More than 800,000 copies later, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, with its inspiring call to sincere love, real purity, and purposeful singleness, remains the benchmark for books on Christian dating. Now, for the first time since its release, the national #1 bestseller has been expanded with new content and updated for new readers. Honest and practical, it challenges cultural assumptions about relationships and provides solid, biblical alternatives to society's norm.

Tired of the game? Kiss dating goodbye.

Going out? Been dumped? Waiting for a call that doesn’t come? Have you tasted pain in dating, drifted through one romance or, possibly, several of them?

Ever wondered, Isn’t there a better way?

I Kissed Dating Goodbye shows what it means to entrust your love life to God. Joshua Harris shares his story of giving up dating and discovering that God has something even better—a life of sincere love, true purity, and purposeful singleness.

[GoldenEagle]

Here’s some excerpts from Harris’s book:

Seven habits of highly defective dating

1) Dating leads to intimacy, but not necessarily to commitment.

2) Dating tends to skip the 'friendship' stage of a relationship.

3) Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love.

4) Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships.

5) Dating distracts young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future.

6) Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness.

7) Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating someone's character.

Hints

1) Friendship is about something other than the two people, something other than the two friends being together. The key to friendship is a common goal or object on which both companions focus. As soon as the two people involved focus on the relationship (intimacy), it has moved beyond friendship.

2) Include others (i.e. friends, family, or strangers) instead of isolating yourselves with just one person.

3) Seek opportunities to serve, not to be entertained.

[GoldenEagle]

GE, I was hoping you would expand on this:

<snip>

What goes through your head when you hear the words "dating" and "courting"?

My internet was having issues last night... Notice I said "First, as to definitions..." Took forever to get back on then I decided to simply spend some time with the wifey.

Been working on it this morning.

[GoldenEagle]

B. So what does courtship look like? Well Harris wrote a book on that too in 2005… Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship Here's a summary of the book:

]

Purpose Driven Romance

The last thing singles want is more rules. But if you’re looking for an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse, Joshua Harris delivers an appealing one. A compelling new foreword, an all-new “8 Great Courtship Conversations” section, and updated material throughout makes this five-year revision of the original Boy Meets Girl a must-have! Harris illustrates how biblical courtship—a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating—worked for him and his wife. Boy Meets Girl presents an inspiring, practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they may be serious about.

Are you ready for “romance with purpose”?

If you’re fed up with self-centered relationships that end in disillusionment, it’s time to rethink romance. Finding the loving, committed relationship you want shouldn’t mean throwing away your hopes, your integrity, or your heart.

In Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris —the guy who kissed dating goodbye—makes the case for courtship. As old-fashioned as it might sound, courtship is what modern day relationships desperately need. Think of it as romance chaperoned by wisdom, cared for by community, and directed by God’s Word.

Filled with inspiring stories from men and women who have rediscovered courtship, Boy Meets Girl is honest, romantic, and refreshingly biblical. Keep God at the center of your relationship as you discover how to:

• Set a clear course for your romance

• Get closer without compromise

• Find support in a caring community

• Deal with past sexual sin

• Make the right decisions about your future

New! Courtship Conversations

Eight ideas for great dates that will help grow and guide your relationship.

Story Behind the Book

“I wrote I Kissed Dating Goodbye to challenge singles to drop the worldly approach to serial dating and reconsider the way they pursued romance in light of God’s Word. Since then, I’ve received letters asking questions like, So, what comes between friendship and marriage? and, How can you know when you are ready for marriage? Boy Meets Girl answers those questions. Now as a happily married man I can look back on my courtship with Shannon and see from personal experience that God is faithful. If you trust Him enough to wait on romance in dating, He will lovingly guide you as you pursue it in courtship…right to that wonderful moment when you kneel together at the altar.” — Joshua Harris

[GoldenEagle]

II. Dating – There are various definitions and standards for dating. This can be done in group settings or with two people.

Personal note: I’d dated a lot before meeting my wife. I honestly think either courtship or dating is a good method with the right understanding of the purpose of getting to know each other. By the time I met my wife due to dating I knew specifically what I didn’t want in a wife and the characteristics I was looking for in a life mate. Again with dating this doesn’t mean it’s a cookie-cutter-one-size-fits-all proposition.

In response to Harris’s book Jeremy Clark wrote in 2000 “I Gave Dating a Chance: A Biblical Perspective to Balance the Extremes”

In recent years, "dating" has become a dirty word in many Christian circles. So dirty, in fact, that young believers are now encouraged simply not to date. This position has provoked an open debate among teens, their parents and youth workers, and single adults. For a great number of them, many questions remain unanswered.

"Lord, what do I do with this desire to date?"

"Can dating be an option for young adults who love the Lord and long to please Him?"

Is not dating really the only acceptable option in God's eyes? The answer, assures author and youth pastor Jeramy Clark, is a resounding "No!"

The time has come for a sound, biblical, and practical approach that balances out the extreme perspectives: dating without responsibility versus a complete withdrawal from the dating process. Learn how you can confidently pursue healthy dating relationships that are characterized by holiness and integrity--and ultimately bring glory and honor to God--in I Gave Dating a Chance.

Is dating wrong? No. Under certain circumstances it can lead to serious temptations IMO due to having exclusive time alone as a couple. However, if two people love God and really are committed to growing together I think a dating relationship can be a good thing. I think courtship is inpractical when parents live in other cities/states/countries. I think it's also a bit inpractical when people are over a certain age.

I'm not a big fan of sites like match.com or eharmony.com. I think sometimes people can pretend to be someone their not on those sites a lot easier than in a face-to-face situation. However, I know many people who've met online and wonderful, loving, God-fearing marriages today.

Again, there is no standard for everyone.

[GoldenEagle]

GE, I was hoping you would expand on this:

<snip>

What goes through your head when you hear the words "dating" and "courting"?

My internet was having issues last night... Notice I said "First, as to definitions..." Took forever to get back on then I decided to simply spend some time with the wifey.

Been working on it this morning.

Your thoughts Neb or anyone else on what I've presented?

[nebula]

My internet was having issues last night... Notice I said "First, as to definitions..." Took forever to get back on then I decided to simply spend some time with the wifey.

Been working on it this morning.

OK, gotcha. Not a problem, but it's good to know!

[nebula]

Your thoughts Neb or anyone else on what I've presented?

I think you did a good job presenting the history of the "courtship" movement. However, the book summaries did not actually explain what courtship is and entails.

Other than parental involvement, which you did mention, what makes a courtship relationship different than a dating relationship?

What is "dating" to you?