Dating vs. Courting

[GoldenEagle]

Your thoughts Neb or anyone else on what I've presented?

I think you did a good job presenting the history of the "courtship" movement. However, the book summaries did not actually explain what courtship is and entails.

Other than parental involvement, which you did mention, what makes a courtship relationship different than a dating relationship?

What is "dating" to you?

These are my thoughts...

Courtship (the term as used today) usually doesn't involve much physical contact. The relationship is established with the intent of marriage or at least that is the ideal. There is parental involvement. A man asks for permission to get to know the young lady from her father. People don't go on dates without a shaparon (sibling, parent, or friend) and there's little exclusive time for just the couple. Most of the "courting" is often done at either person's parents home... This can lead to a superficial relationship. Sometimes courtship can be over-spiritualized IMO. Does that help?

When I think of "dating" I think of one of two things: "casual" dating or "going steady" dating.

"Casual" dating is IMO exactly that. People simply get to know various people in casual settings. For Christians this would normally not include sex as sex is a sacred part of a relationship between a man and woman to be engaged after marriage. I think mutual respect is key. However, for non-Christians this may not be the case. Physical contact such as hugging, holding hands, and even kissing is not out of the question. This "casual" dating can lead to the relationship becoming more serious or having a PDTR (Please Define The Relationship) moment. Often there is no parental involvement?

"Going steady" dating is IMO more of a committed relationship with the purpose of marriage. Again Christians refrain from sexual relations until after marriage. But there is the intent of getting to know the person on a deeper level: spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually. Physical contact such as hugging, holding hands, and even kissing is not out of the question. Often there is no parental involvement until the relationship progresses?

What do you think?

[GoldenEagle]

Here's something I found interesting and insightful...

Question: "What is the difference between dating and courting?"

Answer: Dating and courtship are two methods of beginning relationships with the opposite sex. While there are non-Christians who date with the intention of having a series of intimate physical relationships, for the Christian this is not acceptable and should never be the reason for dating. Many Christians see dating as little more than friendship and maintain the friendship aspect of their dating until both people are ready to commit to each another as potential marriage partners. First and foremost, dating is a time when a Christian finds out if his or her potential marriage partner is also a believer in Christ. The Bible warns us that believers and unbelievers should not marry each other, because those living in the light (of Christ) and those living in the darkness cannot live in harmony (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). As stated before, during this time there should be little or no physical contact, as this is something that should wait until marriage (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).

Courtship takes the position that the two people have no physical contact at all (no touching, no hand-holding, no kissing) until marriage. Many in a courtship relationship will not spend any time together unless family members, preferably parents, are present at all times. In addition, courting couples state up front that their intentions are to see if the other person is a suitable potential marriage partner. Courtship advocates claim that courtship allows for the two people to truly get to know each other in a more platonic setting without the pressures of physical intimacy or emotions clouding their view.

There are problems inherent with both styles. For daters, spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex whom we find attractive can present temptations that can be very hard to resist. The Christian dating couple must have boundaries in place and be committed to not crossing them. If they find this hard to do, they must take steps to ensure that Christ will always be honored during their time together and that sin is never given a chance to take hold of their relationship. Just as with the courting couple, the parents of the dating couple should be involved in the relationship, getting to know their child’s companion and being a source of wise and discerning advice and guidance for both of them.

Of course, the courtship style presents its own set of difficulties. While many courtship advocates see it as the only choice for finding a mate, others find it oppressive and overly controlling. In addition, it can be hard to find the “real” person behind the public face presented in front of the entire family. No one is the same in a group setting as he or she is one-on-one. If a couple is never alone together, they never have that one-on-one opportunity to relate and get to know one another in emotional and spiritual intimacy. In addition, some courtship situations have led to borderline “arranged marriages” by the parents and have resulted in resentment in one or both of the young people.

It is important to remember that neither dating nor courtship is mandated in Scripture. In the end, the Christian character and spiritual maturity of the couple is far more important than the exact nature of how and when they spend time together. Scripturally speaking, the result of the process—godly Christian men and women marrying and raising families to the glory of God—is far more important than the method they use to achieve that result. "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31, NKJV).

Finally, care must be taken to avoid the pitfall of believing one’s personal preference—dating or courting—is the “only way” and looking down upon those who make the opposite choice. As in all things, the unity of the body of Christ should be of utmost importance in our minds, regardless of personal choices others make pertaining to issues on which the Bible is silent.

Read more: http://www.gotquesti...l#ixzz2Q501N6kw

[nebula]

I agree that there is no "one size fits all," but I do believe there are general guidelines that should be followed.

By whatever term you want to call it, these are some guidelines I believe should be followed:

1. Withhold physical involvement while you are in the "exploring stage."

I don't have time to go into a full explanation of this, but my summary point would be: until you regard the other as your future husband/wife (not what you hope to be, but what you are certain of), treat the other as if they may be someone else's husband/wife. (i.e. if you do not know if you want to marry her, you are kissing another man's wife.)

I'm not sure I am wording this best, but I hope you get the gist of what I mean.

2. The initial stage of a relationship is the "exploring stage", where you are getting to know them. Even if you began as friends, there is still much more exploring to do, as both will be exposing different aspects of themselves they would not reveal as "friends." While I know withholding physical intimacy is difficult, doing so has great rewards (my personal experience). The focus of the exploring stage is getting to know the other. Withholding the physical by default will place the development of the heart and soul intimacy in the forefront.

For my fiance and me, we started as friends, and when we began a relationship, we held hands, cuddled, and kissed cheeks and foreheads and arms and such, but never on the lips. We actually found that resisting kissing on the lips was its own guard against going further and having an "oops, we lost control" moment that so many Christian couples fall into.

For those that did not begin as friends, I would encourage (though I couldn't enforce, and again noting people are different) even withholding any form of kissing until you are more certain about where the relationship is going. Any form of kissing creates bonds. The more bonds you form, the more brokenness you are leaving yourself with should the relationship not work out.

So in other words, the guideline for physical involvement of any sort would be: Proceed with caution! Have set boundaries and stick to them. It is better to begin with strict boundaries than to begin with loose boundaries. While losing out on physical romantic pleasure is painful, the pain of slipping too far on account of loose or no boundaries, or the pain of heartbreak I think is worse.

Something else to note: bonding physically does not bond hearts. In fact, bonding physically first and the heart last is backwards to what it should be, and to what is most fulfilling.

*OK, I need more time to write out my thoughts better. I was just brain-dumping. Anyway, I don't have the time to go further on this right now. Catch you later!