Fed up with wife!

[carlos123]

I have thought it might be good to bring her in here. The only concern I have is that she might be a bit upset that you brought this into the public eye, even though she cant be identified. Pray and see if the Lord leads you to bring her to this thread. Believe me, those of us on this thread will tell her the truth, gently, just as we have with you.

She has known from the first that I am getting input over the Internet retagarding our situation. I have now offered to let her read the thread (she has not taken me up on that yet) and even encouraged her to participate as a way of getting some quick on the spot counseling from the Body of Christ. Her response?

"The Internet is your thing." "You can communicate with others over the Internet. I need face to face." "The Internet has become your God." "You can't talk to people face to face." "Your lying to others over the Internet" "You're not telling the truth!" Etc..

Once she started to personalize things without listening to what I had to say about it, I ended up walking away from the conversation. Oh well so much for that idea. Lest anyone think otherwise her statements have an element of truth in them but they are woefully overblown. For example though she likes face to face contact the best, she herself met me over the Internet and communicated with me for over a year before we ever met in person so she is not even being accurate about what she said of herself. Not to even mention the fallacies in the comments she made about me.

Interestingly I did not get mad again today either. Quite amazing if you ask me. I can't claim that it's because I am all of a sudden walking in the Spirt 24 hours a day now or some such. I think it's more that I have come to realize that when her emotions come into play, and they seem to be always in play these days, she says all kind of things that are not entirely based on reality and that it isn't worth it for me to engage her in conversation when that happens. Because more often than not both of us will end up angrier than ever.

It's at times like this that I feel liike saying in the spirit of Ebenezeer Scrooge ...."Women's emotions? Bah Humbug!".

Carlos

[Anne]

Carlos,

I've been following this thread, but i haven't posted any replies, as i'm not married i didn't feel i should, however i feel a lesson in romancing us ladies is coming.............

1. Consider buying her a lovely bunch of roses, or her favourite flowers.

2. Have you told her lately that you love her?

3. How about cooking her a lovely candelit dinner?

4. Go on, give her a hug and tell her that you love her.

5. Put on some music, YES NOW, get away from the computer, and swing her around that sitting room, make her laugh.

6. Oh, and tell her that you love her.

7. Got any old photos of when you first got together? Get them out and sit down with her and say "Do you remember when we first met?" Have you seen those weird hairstyles lately?

8. TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER!

9. Have a conversation with her, show her that you care.

10. Go on walk up to her now and whisper "I LOVE YOU."

You know I heard a rumour once, someone told me that men knew how to be romantic "Bah Humbug."

LOL, just joking with you brother

Your Sister in Christ Jesus

Anne

[carlos123]

Duplicate posting deleted.

Edited December 6, 2004 by carlos123

[carlos123]

You know I heard a rumour once, someone told me that men knew how to be romantic "Bah Humbug."

Hmmm...now that you mention it that way Anne perhaps there is some value to women's emotions after all, given that some men, like me, are obviously romantic .

Excellent suggestions by the way except for #9 about "Have a conversation with her ...". That hasn't worked too well lately . As for "...swinging her around that sitting room ..." I .... err...hmmm....don't quite know how she would take that but I suppose I could try it . As long as she don't start threatening to institutionalize me or something for acting so out of character.

Thanks very much for taking the time to give me your input Anne. Much appreciated.

You know it is decidedly ironic that a lot of the replies on this thread have come from members of the female sex who have on the whole had good and valuable things to share. Ironic given that I have on occassion seen women to be less than the fairer sex. I wonder what the Lord might be trying to teach me through this?

Carlos

[Catsmeow]

I'm not sure "fairer" is a fair word here.

It's never really a matter of gender. Jesus dispelled that notion when He said we'd be more like the angels *(neither marrying or given in marriage) but heavenly beings ....

Our purpose in heaven is not to be "men" or "women"...but beings whose SOLE purpose is to love, honor, praise, worship and obey and glorify our Creator.

That has no gender. I won't argue whether we'll have a gender but we will be fitted to do ONE THING....HONOR and GLORIFY GOD! That will be our purpose.

If ONLY we could consider this our priority on earth, we'd be far better suited for our work in heaven, where HIS WILL IS DONE!

This is "Basic Training".

The men don't have it it easy. They mistreat the wives, they have GOD to answer for ......that's a dreadful thought.

When my husband is being foul and verbally abusive *(and he uses very foul language), I just gently say, "My love, you are more precious than life itself to me....but if you don't watch your mouth, I'm telling the Father on you!"

I try to balance my, "I'm telling Dad on you" with, "You know I honor and deeply respect you, precious husband....BUT.....God can hear what you're saying..."

See, I can't really count on ME changing my husband's heart of stone. I know that.

I get on my knees and cry out to God with flowing tears and pour out my very soul to Him to change His heart.

God will not forsake me. He will do as I have asked.

Carlos, WHY hasn't your wife changed? I know you want her to change. I know you want her to say, "Sweetheart, you are the most awesome man in my life and I wouldn't want any man in the world but you....YOU'RE THE BEST!"

I say that almost daily to my husband..Sometimes more than daily. I constantly reinforce his sense of belonging, being appreciated, and respected. I married a very tempermental, mean-spirited and negative man.

Now and then I see a bit of that sweet nectar flow from him...and I can tell God is working in him.

Carlos, you are learning the most painful and agonizing lesson there is for us as believers....patience.

We ALL want a shortcut around it but there is only one: be patient and wait.

Then, you won't go around and around and around the same ol' mountian again and again.

Until you learn the lesson of patience, you'll go around that same mountain just like the Hebrews did even though they were only 12 miles from the Promised Land.

They just went round and round and round because they couldn't learn patience and waiting on God.

Carlos, God was patient with you. Be honest now. He bore with you with all your shortcomings.

He was with me, *(and I have had many to wrestle with over these years).

If God is patient with you and I, we must learn patience with our mates.

It's OKAY to cry on each other's shoulders and let off steam. I do. Ask these people here! LOL! I use them as a hanky all the time....lol!

They listen and pat me on the head and say, "Hang in there, kid..." and I keep going.

God is looking to build Character in YOU...and that's done by patience which builds perseverence....not quitters.

I have a tendency to be a quitter. I hate to admit that but when the going gets tough I wanna run away.

God said to me, "I'm teaching you NOT to run from your problems but to FACE them head on. I'll be with you."

"I'm teaching you to love people no matter how difficult they are.....it won't be easy but you'll learn....in time."

The rewards and the harvest will WELL BE WORTH IT IN THE END!!!

[carlos123]

Hi catsmeow. Well fancy finding you back on the thread. I thought you had indicated that you were going to gracefully bow out ? Not that I mind you giving us your further input by the way just a bit surprised to see you back after you said you were leaving.

Carlos, WHY hasn't your wife changed? I know you want her to change. I know you want her to say, "Sweetheart, you are the most awesome man in my life and I wouldn't want any man in the world but you....YOU'RE THE BEST!"

Well that would be nice catsmeow. I mean if she changed but you know something? It's not neccessary any more. At least not for my sake. I am learning, albeit I have a long way to go, to just grin and bear it and to react with love. That is a VERY valuable lesson for me to learn from the Lord. VERY valuable.

In some ways my wife, in her present state of being the way she is, is the perfect instruments in the hands of God to teach me that. And to draw out of me what needs to change in ME. So while on the one hand it would be nice if she changed on the other hand, and more importantly, I am starting to learn some incredibly valuable lessons that I MUST learn if I am to be used by God in a broader way. If I can't learn to react in love when my wife puts me down how in the world am I going to be able to react in love when fellow Christians misunderstand me, call me of the devil, or otherwise malign me.

Every person who has ever done anything for God has endured unjust suffering. If I can't react in love when my wife treats me unjustly how in the world am I going to be able to react in love and be Christlike when others treat me that way.

I must learn! And right now my circumstances are tailor made by God to teach me I think. For that I am thankful even though I often strain at the bit, so to speak.

"I'm teaching you to love people no matter how difficult they are.....it won't be easy but you'll learn....in time."

What God apparently was saying to you catsmeow is exactly the kind of lesson I see God trying to teach me.

Carlos

[carlos123]

I hate to say this ya all, especially after your kindness in helping me out, but I am begining to think it might be best if I continue with my previous plans to seperate from her by going South as soon as I can to work a concession stand business in the States.

I just don't see how I can manage around my wife. Certainly I can learn to love more through my wife. Certainly I can grow as I learn to love.

But to be in an environment where every single contact with my wife ends up being a belittling experience. Where she continually stresses me out with her reactions to me and to life's circumstances. Where she continually pushes her circumstances and through that pushes me to do what she wants regarding them regardless of what I might think is best.

It's just too much. Day in and day out. Constant bickering and arguing and emotional reactivism.

She says that her bad treatement of me has gotten worse now that she is working and that I shouldn't take it so personal. That may be but her treatment of me, regardless of the reasons, IS personal. On the one hand she shouldn't be working like she is because of physical problems she has accumulated over a lifetime of accidents. But I am not forcing her to work. I am currently unemployed temporarily so she feels forced to work. I can understand how she feels but it's not me forcing her to work. And so I get the brunt of her bad feelings.

On and on it goes. Day after day. Night after night. It's just not good for me to be in this kind of never ending eniironment at home.

I just don't get it. She goes to church. Listens to praise music. And yet in the midst of listening to praise music she can be so incredibly mean to me. How can a Christian do the former while doing the latter? I don't mean how can a Christian fall and stumble and act mean sometimes. I do myself. I mean how can one have any kind of relationship with God and act mean toward others without coming out and repenting of that meaness in terms of acknowledging it and confessing it all while they continue in Christian activities. I don't see how she can do it.

My conscience would eat me alive if I was going to church and getting involved in Christian activities while treating her like s--t! To draw closer to God is to learn to treat my wife more lovingly. I can't do one without the other. And yet for her it's almost as if she can somehow seperate her walk with God from her treatment of me. I just don't get it.

She stresses herself out big time over our circumstances. Circumstances that while bad are not so terrible and so hopeless that there is any reason to be so stressed out about them. At least not to the point that it makes a mockery of faith in God. And I end up bearing the brunt of her self-imposed stress as her husband.

Sometimes it's just best to seperate. I wonder if this is one of those times.

I am willing to stick around. It's just that I don't see any value to sticking around. Not for her, since I add to her stress, and certainly not for me since her involvement in my life right now is more like a lead weight around my neck than not. Not to mention that it hurts me to see her like this and to feel that I can't help her. She is like a distraught woman who refuses to be comforted no matter what I do, short of doing everything her way according to her timing. But even that doesn't always work.

Sorry for the downward turn of the thoughts I am sharing but I needed to share this with somebody and thought this might be as good a place as any. I don't expect anyone to respond at length or to even have much in the way of practical advice to add to the already great advice I have gotten on this thread. It just helps to know that someone is listening and perhaps praying for us.

Carlos

[refugepsa91]

carlos,

Hang in there brother, It's hard for me to comprehend the turmoil it really is but I'm trying my best.

I guess be blunt...ask her what you asked here...how can be praising God and then turn on me? How is that christian? Its a tough question but it may be a good idea to make her think about that. Remember though don't yell the question say it with patience

Another question is...I hope this isn't too personal...when will you be employed again? That in of itself could really help. I hope that didn't offend. But I can see one spouse feeling pressure if the other isn't working to go to work herself/himself. If that job puts this much stress on her then she needs to stop or slow down. And maybe the only way this is going to happen is when you get employment.

Just some suggestions though

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[carlos123]

Hi Angel,

It is so good to hear from someone like you on this thread again. It helps to keep me going and to know that I am not completely out of whack for thinking as I do sometimes.

I guess be blunt...ask her what you asked here...how can be praising God and then turn on me?  How is that christian?  Its a tough question but it may be a good idea to make her think about that.  Remember though don't yell the question say it with patience

Unfortunately I have so ruined any credibility I ever had as a Christian with her by my own reactions of the past that to do that is to irritate her and is probably not best done in my situation. Not to mention that in her state of anxiety and stress whose root is a lack of trust in God, anything said to that effect will probably cause her more stress and anxiety from a lack of willingness to confront her own need for God. Sometimes when a person is like that you just have to let them hit absolute bottom before any pointing to God can get through to them.

I think mostly the problem in such is my lack of Christian credibiltiy though. The best thing I can do is just learn to react in love and be patient.

Another question is...I hope this isn't too personal...

As far as I am concerned Angel nothing is too personal to ask on this thread. If ever I am asked something that might not be best to discuss in public or between a brother like myself and a sister like yourself I will say something. But otherwise any question is fair game. I don't much like hanging up my dirty laundry in public but it's either that or the alternative. Continue to keep most of this inside me, ,overwhelm my firends with it all, or open up on this forum and see what input and advice I can receive through the greater Body of Christ. Of those the third option is definitely the best I think. Of course the best of all is to get into local fellowship somewhere such that I could talk about these things more personally with others but that's not likely to happen very quickly. As quickly as I need input and the reassurance that comes from knowing I am not alone in all this.

when will you be employed again?  That in of itself could really help. 

I am presently working on a resume and should be able to send some out today. I have been somewhat delinquent in getting them out quicker. I don't quite know why except that I am struggling with something inside of me that doesn't want to face life. So I sort of dig my head into the sand, interact on this board, watch TV, eat, and do whatever else I can to not face life.

Sometimes I get that way and I don't rightly know why. Today it's going good and although I am taking time away from getting rresumes out to get on this forum it's a good thing for through this interaction the Lord is strenghtening me to keep at it for the rest of the day. One day at a time. One task at a time.

I had been orienting my job seeking activities around computer work last week but after sending out a few resumes and going on an interview it was pretty evident that my being out of the field for a few years was too much of a wall to easily surmount so I shifted gears to doing my old standby. Telemarketing (which I am very good at). I should be able to get something within a week or so.

I hope that didn't offend. 

Not at all Angel. I have needs of my own and I am ore than willing to acknowledge them where I may see them clearly enough to do so. Like I have said before the problem in our marriage is not all my wife. A big part of the problem, though I am not quite sure how big, is ME.

But I can see one spouse feeling pressure if the other isn't working to go to work herself/himself. 

For sure Angel. No doubt my lack of work is putting pressure on my wife. But it's how she reacts to that pressure that gets to me. I just don't understand it. I'm pretty much a laid back guy. She on the other hand is a go-getter and very much into doing all she can about what she can. The problem comes in when I don't think it needful that I do everything I possibly can to do something about what she thinks is important. Such that I have to orient my whole life around keeping her from feeling any pressure. That's just not realistic.

Pressure is a fact of life and she needs desperately to learn to deal with it better. I do too. I guess you could rightly say that we are two people who don't handle pressure well under a pressure cooker full of pressure .

I was employed until a couple of weeks ago by the way. Working more than full time. I lost that job though because I felt a need to inform the company office about several things that were happening in a group home (I was a group home aid worker) that resulted in my being let go due to the situation just not very conducive to my remaining. The main boss said I was getting a raw deal and that he would give me a good recommendation but in view of what I had brought up, I just could not be expected to work well with my co-staff at the group home. It was bad and my wife was even of one mind with me that it would not have been good for me to stay.

If that job puts this much stress on her then she needs to stop or slow down. 

You can say that again! . But given my wife's temperament the only way she is going to slow down is if she keels over and can't stand up.

And maybe the only way this is going to happen is when you get employment.

Agreed. But in the meantime I am faced with a woman who is stressing out big time and who can't get a hold of herself in terms of laying the burden on God as I work through my own issues to get better employment.

Your input is always appreciated Angel. Now back to those resumes.....

Carlos

[Anne]

So how did the swinging around the sitting room go?

If we don't hear from you we'll assume you've been hospitalized! LOL

Your Sister in Christ Jesus

Anne