Fed up with wife!

[apothanein kerdos]

How do you show your love for her?

[carlos123]

How do you show your love for her?

To be perfectly frank I don't much. I really don't have much of a feeling of love for her. I really feel nothing for her at this point due to having had my feelings for her snuffed out through all the never ending arguing and hurting of each other.

Of course a feeling of love does not for love make. Love is a choice and I definitely need to start choosing to do more loving things for her. I have to grow in that regard. I just repented the day before yesterday about an unwillingness to love her so you'll have to bear with me if it takes me a few more days to start working into it .

The biggest way that I think I can show love for her is to get myself under control, the control of the Spirit that is, such that I don't get all angry and huffy and puffy when she puts me down or otherwise belittles me or says something in a hurtful way to me. If I can do that I think that will go a long way in helping her feel more loved.

I think I am going to memorize the parts of 1 Peter that I quoted in an earlier post (or was it 2 Peter?). Memorize and meditate on those verses in the hope that every time she treats me unrighteously when I am not deserving of such at any particular moment in time that I will remember how Jesus reacted. And by grace learn to react in a more loving way to unjust treatment.

If you have any suggestions I am all ears by the way. Bear in mind that we have no money to speak of other than to cover bills so it will have to be something that does not take much of any money. If I had the money of course, I would take her to the Caribean and other such things which we have done in the past and which she has enjoyed tremendously.

Believe or not she even told me once that our marriage was a 9 out of 10! Of course those were during better times.

Carlos

[refugepsa91]

Don't need money to show your love. My hubby will fold the laundry...and on the nights I work he cooks dinner. He comes to where I work at around 7:30 pm and sits with me while I close the store...he doesn't like me there alone anymore after a incident that happened last summer. When we get home he cooks for me...he rubs my feet. He doesn't yell at me when I break something (which I do alot, I gots butter fingers) I broke a tile in our kitchen floor after he spent days putting it all down...I just mopped it and made it all sparkly..when oooooops dropped a screwdiver straight down it hit the floor and put a dime size chip in the tile...well I was holding my breath He gave me his crooked smile and shook his head and told me I wasn't boring Now that is love....it also saves me alot of lifting duties hes always afraid I'm gonna drop something on my toe

Actions, to me, speak louder than gifts that money can buy.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[carlos123]

WOW! Angel you gots one heck of a good hubby if you ask me. I would have been all over you about that tile break if I had been in his shoes . At least in my natural self I would have been.

I can be like your husband I think. Especially with God's help. The trouble is getting motivated to do it. I see so little coming back that I am not motivated at all to do much of anything for my wife. At least not for her sake alone. But I do want to learn to love as Jesus does so from that perspective I will work on it. I want to learn about the love of God more experientially as I learn to love my wife.

I think if I focus on my relationship with the Lord as the main motivator for what I do it will help me to not be so influenced by what she does or does not do in return.

Carlos

Edited December 4, 2004 by carlos123

[refugepsa91]

You can...believe me...my hubby is a rock he truly is...I am a natual born clutz...which he could have run with if he wanted to. His philosphy though is theres no sense in getting mad at me for doing those "clutzy" things...he ends up more miserable than I do in the long run. The anger is not good for you. Let it go. It will take time but you will see what a weight will be lifted off your shoulders when you can do this.

My faults have tended to put my hubby in protection mode when it comes to me. I won't even discuss my "banning" from the outdoor grille Thing is though I think he has the neighbor in on watching me when hes working...cuz thats who tattled on me about the "small" fire I started on myself

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[carlos123]

I am a natual born clutz...

So are my wife and stepdaugher. Arrghhh! I on the other hand am the epitome of balanced carefulness and efficient handling . Here...here...and tsk tsk... I have to make sure I do things like latch up my tool box latches lest they trip on them. Arrghhhh....well.....priase God I guess .

His philosphy though is theres no sense in getting mad at me for doing those "clutzy" things...he ends up more miserable than I do in the long run. 

What a dude! Good for him.

The anger is not good for you.  Let it go.  It will take time but you will see what a weight will be lifted off your shoulders when you can do this.

I have never, ever in my life been so prone to anger as after I got married . Sometimes I wonder if marriage has made whatever anger was there worse but I suspect that the Lord has used my wife to draw out and bring to the surface the anger that was there all along. Still as Rex Humbard something or other said in "My Fair Lady"....."Why can't a woman be more like a man?!". I like that guy! .

My faults have tended to put my hubby in protection mode when it comes to me.  I won't even discuss my "banning" from the outdoor grille     Thing is though I think he has the neighbor in on watching me when hes working...cuz thats who tattled on me about the "small" fire I started on myself

Now that's funny! LOL

If I banned my wife from such she would be up in arms and her and my stepdaughter would probably make up protest posters and walk around the back yard with them. Well...maybe they wouldn't go quite that far . But still you must be quite the lady Angel to yield to your husbnads wise banning and to react gracefully to neighbors spying on you. How do the Australians say it? "Good on you" or some such.

My wife singed her hair once on a barbecue grill when she lit it (if I remember right). Seems like you and my wife have a bit in common .

I've been banning her from this thread (in the sense of not telling her where it is) but like all women, she is curious and wants to know what I am doing. She knows I am getting input on our marriage. Someday I will show it to her when her and me have improved our relationship (right now I think she would tend to be hurt by what I have said). I think she will get a kick out of some of the advice and input that has been given to me. Now I can tell her that I am getting input from a wise sister in the Lord who is clutzy and is prone to burn her hair on a barbecue grill LOL.

There's hope for the female sex after all! .

Carlos

Edited December 4, 2004 by carlos123

[refugepsa91]

Ah theres always hope carlos

My hubby is very no nonsense and efficient...his tools are all in their proper place and clean and shiney...this is why he has his own "space" He will also have the whole back part of the garage when we get it built that is.

A sense of humor is important in a marriage too...I can make my hubby laugh until the tears are rolling down his cheeks I love to go into my dads garage (where hubby is keeping his tools for now) and move this jar of screws that he has on his work bench...just a few inches to the right...he will come in go to his bench and I'll be!! He notices it every time...and moves it back everytime too...he knows I do it...he doesn't say anything though...just smiles and moves it back.

Keep the faith, you and your wife are going to be fine...I see such leaps and bounds of improvment in your outlook already.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[apothanein kerdos]

I'm young but have a lot of married friends. In fact, of all the friends I've grown up with, I'm the only one that is still single. See, I have friends that are only 21 and already divorced. Thus, seeing as how I don't want to end up in their situation, I've looked into other people's marriages. I've asked couples that have been married for a while what they did to keep that marriage strong. I've asked my friends what their biggest struggles have been. I think I have a grasp on what a good marriage should look like and what the couple should do. Of course, once I get married, all of what I think won't matter So I'm probably not the best person for advice, and if I'm wrong I hope one of the married people will tell me that I am:

1) Be a servant. There will be times when you do not want to serve the other person's needs at all...but you need to. It's so simple too. Take out the garbage, do laundry once and a while, cook dinner, clean the dishes, stuff like that. Not every day, but do at least something to serve them on a daily basis.

2) Show grace. Humans are mean and disgusting. Thus in marriage, being around someone all the time, you'll see the worst in them .If you hold on to that and beat them over the head with that, that moment of unhappiness that happened will eventually b ecome who they are. If we hold onto something hurtful they said then even the smallest of things that they say or do will make us mad. So show grace and forgive them even if they do nothing to deserve this forgiveness.

3) Love them no matter what. That is what the entire relationship is based upon; love. Love them like you love Christ. Love them as Christ loves the church. How does Christ love the church? After all, it's a bunch of sinners who hurt Him on a daily basis...yet He loves them anyway...

[carlos123]

... I'm probably not the best person for advice, and if I'm wrong I hope one of the married people will tell me that I am:

I think your advice is sound Super Jew (that's ackward calling you that but I guess that's the name you want to go by ). I'm not one of those people that ignores advice based on truth just because a person may not be married and has thus not experienced marriage. God's truth is God's truth through whoever shares it!

What you said is good advice Super Jew. Right on. The problem is that I am often not motivated to apply it. Like tonight.

I got absolutely 100% infuriated at my wife! I mean absolutely infuriated. She is not in a good condition physically due to several accidents in her life. Often she will do some work in the garden and be absolutely wore out for a day or two afterwards. She is on extremely strong pain medication that I think could knock a horse out (I should know - I took just one pill of hers once for pain and it knocked me into la la land).

So she goes to work right? A job that is suppossed to be part-time so she can get out of the house and earn some Christmas money. Well okay I says. Maybe she can handle part time. At work they have a person who should not even be there so they offer my wife the other's position. My wife takes it now moving up to full time. Tonight another person does not show up so after working 1:00 pm to 10:00 today she calls me around 11:00 pm to tell me that she is going to be late and may have to work all night. I tell her she don't have to and that they can't make her and that I want her to come home! That she can't handle it. She is scheduled to work tommorrow too!

That would have made 3 shifts without hardly any sleep!!

She was not listening to me. Fortunately she came home. Apparently they found someone. When she got home I tried to keep my cool but she started in on me about calling her at work to tell her to come home. I didn't call her! She called me! I told her I was telling her to come home for her own good but it just went in one ear and out the other. I then lost my cool and told her that so help me God I would call her boss tommorrow and tell her boss that she can't handle the work physically. And so we retreated into our respective corners again and that was that.

Boy was I mad! I know how she gets when she overdoes it and she is constantly overdoing it! She sometimes gets so wore out that she can barely stay awake while driving and that's just doing some gardening never mind work!! Arrrghhh.....!!!

I know I am supposed to love but at times like this I want to have nothing to do with her!

So you see Super Jew I may know that I am supposed to love her but when this kind of baloney happens I just loose it and all desire to love her at all flies right out the window. Unfortunately when I get like this all desire to please God fllies right out the window too!

I know I was overbearing and not walking in line with the Spirit and that's not right. I guess I will have to get up and just hope I react better next time.

That's funny about the jar Angel. Cute.

Carlos

[refugepsa91]

Super Jew that was wonderful advice You'll make a great hubby some day.

Carlos,

I kept thinking lastnight about one of your comments about me "listening to my husband with grace, when he banned me from the grille" Heres the thing. My husband NEVER tells me...I order you to stop....No you can't cuz I said so. When we were talking about the grille this is how he put it across....Honey...could you please wait to use the grille until I am home?...otherwise I'm afraid your going to get hurt, and I'll worry all day at work? So you see he requested nicely that I stay away from the grille. And being that I love him I don't want to worry him.

When I am hurt my husband hurts too. The few appointments to the ER with him cuz of falling or lifting something to heavy really showed me that he is a wreck when I am hurt...he cannot handle seeing me in pain...he wants to fix it right now or sooner.

I don't want you to think that me and my hubby never argue...cuz believe me we do....sometimes I give him that "what in the world are you thinking" look. I would never take well to orders being barked out at me...I respect "advice" and asking nicely and then telling me why. Although I will admit this...if I would have refused and said no way I'm still using the grille when your gone...I would of woke up the next day and the tank would have been gone..locked in the shed or something, with a little note on it saying "out of order"...he would do that.

Start by telling your wife that your worried shes gonna overdo it...and don't want to see her hurt. Ask her hows shes feeling. Tell her you worry about her driving home...then tell her if you insist on working that late...do you want me to pick you up? My hubby comes to close with me at work...because of a bad incident that happened there one night....he wanted me to quit...but I didn't want to cuz it pays our taxes this job I have...and I'm only working two days...so instead of yelling about it...he says fine you stay but I will be there every night so you dont close alone....see the compromise here?

Support your wife with her decision...even if you don't agree with it...try hard to offer kindness and help...at first it may be hard and she may not respond well cuz of your background...but keep trying...you'll be amazed.

Love and Blessings,

Angel