All of the above

[Rain]

I've been reading quite a few posts today in search of answers. (I tried to keep it short, I'm sorry i couldn't).

A lot of what people have been writing about is what I have been through or experienced. I do not make myself out to be perfect, nor am I innocent. I know I have made mistakes and I am not blind to them. But I do have a few questions. First, I'll tell you my story.

 

When I was young, like so many other children, I was molested by a very close relative. After a very interesting journey to get over the emotional scarring it created, I truly forgave him and it felt great. It was like the little girl inside me was the one who had finally done the forgiving part. Though I had forgiven him, doesn't necessarily mean the emotional scarring had disappeared, I just wasn't angry at him anymore.

There was a time when I used what happened to me as an excuse for everything, all the bad moods and tempers and failures. Luckily that passed. 

I have only ever had one boyfriend and he is the only one who knows me inside out.

We had been together for 8 years before he broke up with me because I could not commit. (This was before I started my healing journey).

Unfortunately I have to admit that while we were together, we sinned. It wasn't something I wanted to do, because I felt, 1) it was to be left unspoiled for marriage and 2) the way I felt afterwards because of what I had gone through as a child was horrible, and made me feel dirty. The last couple of years in our relationship, he barely even tried anything anymore.

Though we were church goers at the time, after a while that also faded. I am not blaming him. I too am to blame.

When we broke up my job completely consumed my life. I even worked 4 weekends in a month, so I had no time for church anymore. Every ounce of energy I had left would be put into my job. I lived for my job, I still do.

The problem began when I started to get too close with one of my colleagues. He was married. He is also a great believer in Jesus Christ and is saved.

He was a great shoulder to cry on after my break up and I was a good support to him at work. We got on very well. Things would start to happen and I would keep on telling him that he is married and so forth. I should have done so many things, but I didn't, and eventually I gave in. We never did anything more than sharing a kiss on occasion. I know it doesn't make it better. We spent too much time together and eventually his wife found out about our relationship. I cannot say that I am proud of any of this. I was sad, heart broken and this man made me feel alive inside again. And it's like someone else described, it was all about me. What I wanted. A complete disregard for what God wanted. Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong. But it felt good. I guess that's what sin does. So, eventually, a very twisted relationship was created. 

My conscience started eating away at me, telling him to make a decision about where he wants to be. (He doesn't want to be with her anymore, she has made it really difficult for him to even try and work it out). If he is not willing to leave his wife, then I can't stay where we were. If he does (which I know is against God's will), then he first has to take that step because he wanted to, and not because I asked him to.

Problem is, my ex boyfriend has also come back into my life in an effort for me to try and move on with it. It's not the way it sounds, I actually do love him and want him to be a part of my life, but I still do not think that I will marry him, so I feel like such an idiot, because I have to let him go and I can't. My colleague on the other hand is finding it very difficult for me to be with him, because he too wants to be with me. He knows what I have been telling him about that possibility, but he just chooses not to understand it.  I have fallen in love with him too, and now that he is threatening to move away, I also start to back paddle, because I don't want him to either. I have a fear of commitment, yet I cannot let go. He has abusive qualities, and he has physically abused his wife. We have talked about it. I see the patterns of doing it and then how he apologizes. It textbook. I see the signs, yet I cannot let go. 

 

I'm having very, very dark days. The thoughts in my head are not pleasing to God. But it's too hard living this life. I am not living at all. I have completely lost trust in family members for other reasons so I don't want to talk to them about it.

 

So my questions are:

1. How do you let go of someone you love so that they can carry on with a happy life?

2. If someone is abusive, and we are Christians, are we not to see the good in these people and help them beat these weaknesses?

3.  He wasn't happy in his marriage and started a relationship with me. If he does leave his wife for that reason, will God forgive him?

4. Will God forgive me?

5. How does one stop being afraid of EVERYTHING?

 

 

[SueZQ]

Precious sister....  First of all know that Jesus loves you. 

 

I am not perfect either, nor do I know the answers, but I can share with you what has helped in my own life.

 

I had love for someone that chose not to love me.  There are so many ways to describe love.  Because of my dysfunctional childhood, and the painful roads that adulthood found me on...  I found myself loving people that made me feel safe, that listened and did not judge me.  Still that love for my ex-husband would not wane.  I prayed and asked God to remove that unhealthy love from my heart for that person and to replace that love with Agape (His kind of love) love.  It is amazing what God can do! 

 

Pray for an abusive person.  We can never be the Holy Spirit.  Helping a person with a serious character defect is His job, never ours. 

 

Forgiveness of sin was paid for on the Cross at Calvary.   If we choose not to listen to that voice of Truth, we only fool ourselves and become or stay victims to that behavior. 

 

How do you stop being afraid?  Fear is the absence of peace.  Perhaps you need to concentrate on The Peace of God.  Pray for that amazing Peace to flood your life, to cover every wound. 

 

I know it's difficult to see the answers when your at such a dark place.  When I get in those places, and I just can't seem to even pray... I just use one Word over and over... Jesus. 

 

I have also found that making a life decision when there is so much doubt has never had favorable results.  When I'm in those places I tend to use emotion and feelings to guide me.  Allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me has never failed. 

 

I have also found that when I chased after things that I knew were wrong it kept me from seeing The Answers that were chasing after me. 

[enoob57]

This is a welcome area... so welcome

[OneLight]

I moved this to a forum better suited for your thread.  The Welcome Forum is a place for those who just joined to say HI so we can get to know each other.  This thread goes far beyond just saying Hi.

[enoob57]

So my questions are:

1. How do you let go of someone you love so that they can carry on with a happy life?

2. If someone is abusive, and we are Christians, are we not to see the good in these people and help them beat these weaknesses?

3.  He wasn't happy in his marriage and started a relationship with me. If he does leave his wife for that reason, will God forgive him?

4. Will God forgive me?

5. How does one stop being afraid of EVERYTHING?

1. How do you let go of someone you love so that they can carry on with a happy life?

We are not required to let go of anyone but only to love God and live the righteousness of God in this place unto others...

Matt 22:37-40

37 Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart,

with all your soul, and with all your mind.' 38 This is the first and great

commandment. 39 And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as

yourself.' 40 On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."

NKJV

 

2. If someone is abusive, and we are Christians, are we not to see the good in these people and help them beat these weaknesses?

We are to love as God loves and that is an eternity of learning... but as for those not born again there is no good in them...

Rom 3:10-12

10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: 11 There is none that

understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. 12 They are all gone out of

the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good,

no, not one.

KJV

 

3. He wasn't happy in his marriage and started a relationship with me. If he does leave his wife for that reason, will God forgive him?

These two gave a vow to one another and to God... do you really want anywhere around this?

Matt 19:4-6

4 And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at

the beginning made them male and female, 5 And said, For this cause shall a man

leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one

flesh? 6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath

joined together, let not man put asunder.

KJV

 

4. Will God forgive me?

To be forgiven of sin one must be born again... to be born again one must open their hearts door

to the reality of Jesus: Who He 'IS', That He died for us to take our first born lives away, That

He rose again from the grave as we are raised to newness of life in Him supernaturally!

In this new life we do not look to do old errors but to align ourselves in the Love of God by

obedience to His Word

1 John 5:2

2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his

commandments.

KJV

 

5. How does one stop being afraid of EVERYTHING?

Give up the life of death and live The Life of God in Jesus... He will literally change

your heart to a perfect love and in this love you will find what you seek

1 John 4:18-19

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath

torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 19 We love him, because he

first loved us.

KJV

Love, Steven

Edited January 28, 2015 by enoob57

[Littlelambseativy]

I cannot begin to understand the trauma of abuse, but I will tell you that Jesus understands and loves you and tho' you forgave the one who abused you, have you ever forgiven yourself. You appear to be carrying the burden still when you say you forgave him but did you forgive yourself...yes you were a child but as an adult you seem to be wallowing in what occurred in your youth. You tell all the men about it. You must ask God to help you, forgive you, otherwise you would not be so consumed by it. Have you asked Jesus into your life? Asked Him to forgive you of all your sin? If so, you are free of the past and there is no need to tell everyone about it. You are free!! Free to live a new life in Jesus... a life that begins the day you ask Jesus into your heart. Gone are the past sins, gone is the wrong done to you, gone is all that keeps you bound to that one moment in time.

You developed a relationship with a co worker and got intimate tho' he was married. You know of his abuse yet you are drawn to him. You know what his marriage was like, and now a divorce, yet you are still drawn to him and his abuse. It will happen to you if you do not break the cycle of that first wrong. It is as though you wish to punish yourself for your part in that first act....you were the victim yet you continue to victimize yourself. Your first boyfriend left...I don't blame him. There is only so much of dwelling on the past that one can take. 

Turn to Jesus, ask Him to forgive you and help you to forgive yourself. Jesus died for you and all that has been done to you.  All that you have done to this moment in time will be under the blood of Jesus. Give Jesus the burden you carry. Until you do you will not be content and at peace. Ask God to show you if the young man who has come back into your life is the right one for you.

Leave the co worker alone. He is not the one for you. The wrong he has done will only be perpetuated on you. You are better than that..... You cannot help him... only God can. He has to ask God for help and God alone can help him. 

Ask God to find the right man for you. Wait for God to answer. Your heart will know if God has brought your first love back for you or if there is another. 

Go to church, read the Bible and I mean truly search the Bible for answers. Ask God to open your heart and mind and eyes to what He wants for you. Forget the past....it is called that for a reason..... for you it will be under the blood of Jesus and cast into the sea of God's forgetfulness. Never to be remembered by God. O Satan will test you and remind you ....but each time ask Jesus to help you to forget and remember if God can't remember why should you.... you are now starting a new life... gone is the old one... it is as if it was not you but someone else. You are made new in Christ Jesus... go and sin no more and live a life full of joy. Live for Jesus who died for you......none of the others would do that for you, but He did. Jesus loves you that much. Go in peace. 

I have often repeated what Corrie ten Boom (a lady who helped Jews escape the Nazi's) said...look around and be distressed, look within and be depressed, look to God and be at rest. Be that way... look to God for all your answers and all your joy. God bless you as you do so.

[Guest]

Welcome~!

 

~

 

How does one stop being afraid of EVERYTHING?

 

 

I have often repeated what Corrie ten Boom (a lady who helped Jews escape the Nazi's) said...look around and be distressed, look within and be depressed, look to God and be at rest. Be that way... look to God for all your answers and all your joy. God bless you as you do so.

 

 

Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

 

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Praying~!

[Rain]

@ littlelambseativy

"but I will tell you that Jesus understands and loves you and tho' you forgave the one who abused you, have you ever forgiven yourself'

Yes, I have forgiven myself for what happened. I know that it wasn't my fault. I have moved past it

 

"You tell all the men about it"

I just wanted to correct you there and say I do not tell all the men, only one person close to me knew about it. I tried discussing it with my pastor but eventually found a Christian counselor who helped me through it. And by joining this forum was the first time I had blurted it out to other people. I did not say any of that to play a card or gain sympathy, I merely wanted to explain my situation

 

"It is as though you wish to punish yourself for your part in that first act"

 

You are quite right!! I do feel responsible for what happened and have tried to be as platonic as possible, but Jesus still knows my thoughts. Why am I drawn to this person?

 

Please know that I am not "in search" of a husband. The young man coming back into my life is an effort to see whether we can work things out. But we have different goals. He still wants to get married and I don't. I fear the commitment and not being able to make him happy for the rest of our lives. And then fear that what happened to me now (with my co-worker) will happen to us then. And I will have to swallow it, as I believe it will be my punishment. But I don't want him to have to go through that.

 

 

 

 

"you are now starting a new life... gone is the old one... it is as if it was not you but someone else. "

This is easier said than done. How can I just ask for forgiveness and move on as if nothing happened? Knowing that their marriage has fallen apart. It weighs too heavy on my conscious 

Edited January 28, 2015 by Rain

[Rain]

@SueZQ

"I found myself loving people that made me feel safe, that listened and did not judge me."

This is what I found in my co-worker after my break up, which makes it hard to let go. 

But reading enoob57's first reply does help me to think about it differently. But the responsibility I feel though, makes it hard to not feel bad and want to fix it. 

Edited January 28, 2015 by Rain

[Littlelambseativy]

Rain, I must have misunderstood ..for that I apologize. I thought you told the co-worker also. Please understand, you were a child. You bear no responsibility for what happened to you. If you asked Jesus to forgive you for your sins and have accepted His sacrifice on the cross, then you are saying to Jesus what you did for me was not sufficient and I must continue to bear my guilt myself. You cannot have it both ways, either Jesus took all your burden and guilt or He took none.

 I am so glad I am free of the guilt of my past, as you should be too. You cannot have a full glass and call it empty. So I ask you to please, turn your guilt and self punishment over to Jesus ...leave all the guilt you carry at the foot of the cross, and walk away free otherwise you are saying, 'Jesus what you did was not enough. I need to help you.' It does not work that way.

People will always disappoint you. You cannot put all your trust in man. The only One who will never disappoint you is Jesus. I am certain many or all here have tried at one time or another...it does not work. Parents can disappoint, children disappoint, husbands/wives disappoint, brothers/sisters disappoint, friends will disappoint, the only One who will never disappoint you is Jesus.

Look to Jesus....He is coming soon and I want to see you there. Trust Him. Don't pick man, man always will disappoint. Give yourself a chance with this young man you may be surprised.... leave the married one who is abusive....you do not need his kind.

Ask Jesus for help. People who don't even know you here love you and only want what is best for you. We can tell you what to do from the bottom of our hearts but you must act on it ...we cannot. 

Look for people who will hold you up to the Father when you are feeling blue, ask any of us and we will pray for you when you are under the enemy's attack. People who care will inspire you. I pray that you will turn to Jesus and leave your guilt and self punishment at the cross.