Dating a Friend

[Augustus McCrae]

I'm debating whether or not to pursue a more "romantic" relationship with a friend of mine. I've known her since middle school, but it wasn't until 10th grade that we actually became good friends (we are now both sophomores in college). Most importantly (to me at least), she loves the Lord and I know her walk with Him is strong. I must admit I find her gorgeous (not in a stereotypical Hollywood hourglass way, but in a simple but elegant way that would not cause the average passerby to doubletake but will captivate the careful eye). She is smart, funny and we both enjoy many of the same things. She, two or three other friends from our high school graduating class and I hang out on a regular basis - whether that be bowling, going to the movies, going out dancing, or simply watching tv and playing board games together.

The hardest part in this decision for me is multi-faceted. First of all, a couple of my friends made attempts at dating her during high school, but she rebuffed their attempts. Some of them are still close friends with her, but one didn't take her cues to stop trying and ended up crippling their friendship - which brings me to my second point. I treasure the friendship I have with her. She, along with my other high school buddies are some of the few people who truly understand me (outside of family). I would hate to ever hurt our friendship in any way. Should she rebuff me as well, I am perceptive enough to know to quit there, but you can never go back to exactly the same after making that attempt. You may still be very good friends, but that one time you tried to be more than friends will always be part of your understanding of each other. Thirdly, I have no clue (fail or success) how it would affect the relationship dynamic within our group and how the others would perceive it. I would normally discuss this with two of my best friends, but those two both are close to her and I wouldn't want to put them in an awkward position.

I think one of my largest stems of doubt comes from the fact that our group is very platonic in terms of our friendship. Every now and then our discussions turn towards past attempts at dating and lack of romance in our lives. Each time this happens, whether consciously or unconsciously, we never bring up the possibility of dating within the group. This may be quite possibly because the feel of our group is not unlike siblings rather than peers. Although some in our group have romantic history (attempts at least), like I said, it's overall platonic now. One thing I do have in my favor is that she is aware that I am quite romantic (a long story for a different time, you'll just have to take my word that it is true). 

I have spent a good deal of time in prayer beseeching God to know what to do in this situation. Not so much "God make this girl fall in love with me," which would be a little juvenile, but more along the lines of: "God, help me to become a better person. Make me a stronger man in you so that I am the kind of man that a father would want his daughter to date. Help me not to make rash or foolish decisions and help me to cause as little division or hurt should things not turn out as I planned. Moreover, help me to walk in accordance with your will, so that all I do may bring glory to your name and if this is not in your will, help me to see so so that trouble may be avoided" (that sounded kind of canned, but I wanted to emphasize I'm trying to pray in a more mature and God focused way as opposed to how I might have gone about such a topic for prayer when I was younger and thought as a child).Unfortunately, as of yet, the Lord has been overall silent on the matter. I do not know whether to take this as no, or maybe later. I know sometimes we don't realize how God answered until way down the line, so I've decided to simply trust him to lead and guide me, whether it's silence, gentle nudges, or shoves in the direction he wants.

I don't expect any immediate epiphanies or revelations. Relationships tend to be long winding roads, not short sprints (and there's still a great deal of summer left before we must all go separate ways) however, these thoughts have been on my mind for a while and I needed a place to release them and seek advice. Any thoughts, prayers or advice are gladly welcome. Like I said, this will be a long journey and I won't be making any hasty decisions any time soon.

[missmuffet]

Augustus,It sounds like you have a very nice friendship in this person.Yes,it could affect your friendship or scare this person off if you should rush things.Sometimes you can get clues if the person wants to go the next step and date.You can not make demands of God.You can ask God that His will be done for a relationship for you and that you admire this person a lot.God has a perfect plan for your life.Just continue with this friendship and see where God leads you.Here enters your faith.The best marriages in my opinion start out as best friends.

[wingnut-]

Augustus,

 

Are the two of you going separate directions at the end of summer?  If that is the case, could that be your answer?

[Ezra]

Any thoughts, prayers or advice are gladly welcome.

Augustus,

 

Since you've asked I will give you some advice and hopefully it will move you in the right direction. I speak from experience:

 

1. Men and women were never created to be "just friends" or maintain a "platonic relationship".  Hence the Song of Solomon.

 

2. All of life is a risk. The worst that can happen is she says "Thanks, but no thanks".  So you just move on and find another who will say "Thanks, that's fantastic".  If the friendship does not continue, it would not be your fault.

 

3. You would be wise to tell her your true feelings regardless of the risk, and do it tomorrow or the day after (while you are thinking about it).  The initiative must always be the man's.

 

4. You would be wise not to vacillate or procrastinate. Women prefer decisive men.  Perhaps she's been wondering all this time as to what's wrong with you.

 

5. If she reciprocates, don't wait around to make marriage plans. It's not like you met her yesterday. Keep things moving, and you both will be happy.

 

6. Look at it this way.  The Lord kept the two of you connected for a very long time.  He expects a logical progression. He did not keep Eve or Rebekah waiting around too long.

[SueZQ]

Many of your cons seem valid.  I surely can't tell you what to do or give you professional advice, but I can tell you about my daughter's circumstance.

 

Lindsay had a best friend from the 7th grade, his name was Zach and they both were friends with another boy Aaron.  The three were all only children, played in the band, top of their class... so the friendship only increased as they went into high school.   In their senior year Lindsay and Zach started to see each other more than buddies.  They did not want to ruin their friendship, but as Zach said to Lindsay "If we don't at least try, we may never know.  Perhaps we will regret this for a lifetime."  They dated and tried to make it work but they both realized they would rather be friends.  It was difficult, a short period of awkwardness happened.  The three are still best friends.. they were in each others weddings, their spouses are now part of the group, they vacation together and are so glad that they did try and that the small period of awkwardness didn't turn into a lifetime of avoiding each other or creating scenarios in their heads each time they ran into each other.

 

Whichever decision you make... pray first... then proceed.  

[Matthew T.]

Outstanding advise here.

 

You'll be no surprise to her. See what her answer is, then go on about whatever is the outcome. You'll be fine either way, brother. Good on ya for seeking God's advise the way you have.

[Guest shiloh357]

Just man up and lay it on the line and tell her honestly how you feel.  Be the man in the relationship and if she isn't interested, you will  get over it and move on. 

[Augustus McCrae]

Thanks for all the replies so far.

[Pro1728]

I’ve been debating back and forth about replying to your question ever since I first read it.

It sounds like you have something very precious right now and I can see why you would be afraid of breaking that. If it turned into something more, that would be very special indeed. It would be such a connection and also a very safe feeling (especially for her) to be with someone who knows you so well and for so long. It’s the sort of thing I always wanted. In fact, three of the stories I have written are about just that, so when I read your post it sort of startled me, like one of my characters stepped out of the book. Perhaps that sounds quite stupid to most people, but…when you write about something like that, you are seeing it through both of their eyes (his/hers.) In two of the three she is so startled she kind of freaks out and pushes him away, but later comes around. So if she does that, don’t despair, she might just need to get used to the idea. (It is pretty awful for him for a bit though.) Don’t push it, just give her time and space and wait for a bit before you decide to move on. In the other story, it turns out she was thinking and feeling the same thing all along, she was just too shy to say anything. Like Bopeep said, ladies do drop subtle hints, for some of us they are so subtle you’d need a magnifying glass—no, make that a microscope! We really don’t mean to be completely exasperating and no female that I’ve ever known has wanted to “play games. “ One of the keys to understanding females is that most of us are incredibly insecure. It gets a little better with age, but not so much as you might think/hope. :$

 

Practically speaking, since you’ve known her so well, have you seen her when she is interested in someone else? Does she get all sparkly and enthusiastic or awkward and tongue-tied? If you haven’t ever seen her interested in another guy, well…it’s possible that it’s because none of them are as nice as you are.

 

Ok, now I have some advice. I don’t like to give advice, (sometimes people don’t really want it, they just need to not feel so alone), I don’t want to be patronizing, and heaven knows, I didn’t do a spectacular job myself. Just take it more as a soldier that’s a ways ahead of you and has stepped on a few land mines. “Don’t go this way, boys!”

 

This applies to whether your friendship turns into something else or any future relationships. You can pass it along, I wish I could tell every young person. Now, feel free to whack me over the head with a thistle for being such an Eeyore, but…

 

Land mine #1: No matter what happens, never, ever settle. If this doesn’t work out, don’t tell yourself that something else that comes along is good enough. Keep waiting for something just as special—or more so. It is much better to be lonely because you are alone than because you are in a crappy relationship. Trust me.

 

Land mine #2: For this lady or anyone in the future. Never, ever, ever convince her to settle. I hope that doesn’t offend you. I mean, two wonderful people might not be wonderful for each other. If she (whoever that may be) has any doubts, don’t talk her out of them. Let her take them seriously. Say, “Oh, um, ok. I will give you some space then.” Walk away quickly and fall apart someplace where she can’t see you. If you talk someone into something, you may think you got what you wanted, but you really didn’t. (And you strike me as the sort that would actually realize that later on.)

 

Lastly, what you said about focusing on becoming a better man is spot on. That was very wise insight for someone so young. (Sorry, but twenties are very young. No need to rush. Trust me.) Focus on that, and you can’t go wrong. The one out there waiting for you will be doing the same thing, becoming a better woman.

[Augustus McCrae]

Pro1728, thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed post. You may think that others think it is silly, but I am an avid reader and appreciate your startle at a character more or less "walking out of a book." Although I'm don't like to call things coincidences, I think that qualifies as quite the happy accident and I'm quite pleased that my backstory is interesting enough for a novel (3 at that).

 

You brought up some questions and advice and I would like to address those (I just got back from a weekly get-together and have a couple interesting details to add as well).

 

1. I truthfully have never seen her truly head over heels for someone. She has had boys approach her like I spoke of earlier and she will talk about typical TV show crushes and the like, but I truly do not know what it would look like if she truly fell for someone. I think you hit the nail on the head when you spoke of girls and insecurity. While she is not overly insecure, I think she has the "normal" (whatever that means, I'm not a girl, so I won't try to apply my own reasoning) insecurities you speak of. It's not as much that she speaks overly poorly of herself, its just that every now and then when the topic about dating comes up, she often speaks of it as if it wasn't likely to happen to her, that it would be far off, calling herself a "potato," etc. 

 

2.In response to me never settling, that is superb advice and something that has been told to me before (once again, another part of that "long story" wherein I was labeled as the "romantic" that I need to get around to telling).

 

3. In response to her never settling, that is another thing I have thought about. I truly love this girl (in the way you love a very dear friend and want the best for them; it would be premature in the extreme to say the "eros" love)  and despite whether or not my relationship with her develops past being close friends, I have already on multiple occasions prayed that she would find someone who would give her the romantic adventure and happy ending that I know she deserves. If that isn't me, I am fine with that because I know the Lord's plans are greater than my own (its just unfortunate - in our eyes at least - that they don't usually line up with our own desires or our own timelines).

 

4. As to tonight's occurrences, tonight we made a bet between us four. Whoever was the first to "get in a relationship" had to give the other 3 $5 each (just a little bet for fun). When the topic of who everyone thought would be the one to win/lose the bet (I guess it depends on your point of view?) she blurted out without hesitation that she thought it would be me (evidently, I would be quite "the catch" in her eyes, I guess it just comes down to whether or not that would apply for her own desires as well). The other 2 both agreed that they thought it would be me as well (which is odd, since I'm the one who has never really dated and they have never really said anything about my "dateability" aside from my "romantic-ness"). I try not to ever read two much into things, but I thought that was interesting.

 

Once again, thank you for the reply and have a blessed evening.