Marriage

[Pro1728]

I've been praying and praying, begging God to help me in this situation--DO something--set me free. I've spent a lot of time away, first in a visit to my parents, then on an agricultural science trip and a few weeks later, in another visit up north with my family. I just couldn't do it anymore. The stress of work and this unhealthy home situation had pushed me to the breaking point. I was filled with dread at the thought of another year. Over and over in my mind was the thought, "I can't do this anymore." I was so happy to be up here, near my family. It was like stepping  back in time before all of this mess ever happened. My parents used to counsel against divorce, but when they learned more about what I'd been through, their views began to change. My dad hadn't said much up to this point, my mom had basically told him to keep his mouth shut! (In her defense, I guess he'd said he kept sticking his foot in his mouth.) But finally, on a fishing trip with Dad, we began talking openly. My dad is his best in a boat. He shared his viewpoint and I was astonished at how clearly he saw the whole thing--even more clearly than I did in some respects. It was a relief to know that it wasn't just me. I had been beating myself up, feeling like a "bad wife" that any time I was in my husband's company I had to divert conversation to "safe" waters, (basically, talking about the weather and...well, yes, that's about it.) I would feel like such an impatient witch to have to grit my teeth and not say anything and he would continue to say and do the same things, over and over again, until he got a reaction. (Not usually a positive one.) It was rather like that obnoxious kid in the classroom doing anything to get attention--negative attention if nothing else. Then my dad shared how exhausting he found my husband's company. It was draining and unhealthy. He began avoiding phone calls the way I avoided my husband's company.

 

A few days later, my dad woke me up at 3:00 in the morning (when we'd planned to get up to go fishing in time for the early tide.) He said he was just too exhausted and hadn't been sleeping well. Neither had I. I suddenly started crying and we talked for three hours. He said, "God doesn't want any of His children to have to live like that." He said he couldn't even began to imagine what it was like to live through the pain I've been through. I've so often felt it was wrong to leave and feared that if I did, my husband would do something drastic. After a scene with a gun in the beginning of our marriage, everything changed. I stopped telling him anything I thought or felt, hid my heart behind castle walls. Lately I just kept begging God to Do something, PLEASE, set me free. One sleepless night a quiet voice said, "God isn't going to do anything. He is asking you to do the brave thing." It was very difficult, but He led me through and I have a new life to create and an openness to grow and change in many ways. I've been getting stronger and healthier these last two years, and out of that situation, I know God will be able to strengthen and heal me even more.

 

To Godlovesme and anyone else in a similar situation, I pray that God will guide your steps in whatever direction He chooses and that you all will also experience the same freedom in peace, however that may take shape. Hugs , prayer and love to anyone out there in this loneliness and pain.

[Pro1728]

P.S. Perhaps I should clarify. I told my husband that I needed a year. I'm going to live "as if" but if God does lead my to return, I will. I just desperately hope He won't. Since my husband still thinks that there is a chance that I will come back, he is more motivated to commit to counseling. I don't think he ever would have otherwise. I hope he follows through with this. I don't want him to concentrate on "marriage counseling." I want him to examine his own mental health and try to heal from his horrible childhood. Beyond that, I don't know.

[FresnoJoe]

P.S. Perhaps I should clarify. I told my husband that I needed a year. I'm going to live "as if" but if God does lead my to return, I will. I just desperately hope He won't. Since my husband still thinks that there is a chance that I will come back, he is more motivated to commit to counseling. I don't think he ever would have otherwise. I hope he follows through with this. I don't want him to concentrate on "marriage counseling." I want him to examine his own mental health and try to heal from his horrible childhood. Beyond that, I don't know.

 

~

 

Praying~!

[electricaluser]

I got a question and I'm really struggling with this lately.

" he don't care about me or my feelings, so why should I keep pretending he does" this keeps running thru my head, several years of marriage, turning the other cheek, I keep forgiving and overlooking this and that, but it's a daily battle, he can't even say good morning, never know where he is at or what he is doing, even basic politeness is gone and quite honestly never existed , ever. There is no I'm going to be home late or how is yor day, quite honestly I could do anything I want and truly never worry about giving a answer because he don't even ask nor shows any interest in my life or day. I honestly feel like a intruder in my own home and because he makes more money then I do and has to foot more of the bills, he feels like he owns everything , everything is his and if I don't like the way he is I can leave attitude. I keep looking to God and have managed thru by the grace of God, but the hurt it goes so deep and one begins to harden themselves to their spouse in order to deal with the daily isolation and feeling like you don't exist , not even in their presence are you remotely acknowledged. I'm trying to be a good Christian and I have to work at it daily to control my thoughts towards him and remind myself God is in control. But some days, like today I swear I can't take another day of it

When someone doesn't desire to know you anymore theres not much you can do, but if you still desire to know him it will only be a one way relationship. It's up to you if you want that, and I can't decide that for you.

[RustyAngeL]

Thank you. Sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do anymore but keep praying,,

Bo peep I honestly don't know where he is 90% of the time, sometimes I get lucky and over hear a conversation then I kinda know what's going on, and I believe he is just wasting time here and there that sorta stuff, guy stuff I suppose. I've tried talking to him on several occasions about how that feels but it goes thru one ear and out the other, then hurt is piled on top on hurt and the cycle never ends. I've cried, got mad, pleaded, even tried the 40 day love dare, I'm a a complete loss and I'm a woman and it's hard to pretend you have no emotions when you feel so alone and frustrated. Problem is my heart is hardening towards him and I know it's a survival instinct in order to deal with it everyday, but then he says I'm cold, I can't win. Always feel like I'm doing something wrong or if I was prettier or skinnier or I tried harder. I did get to the point I realize it's his character and not mine and when satan reminds me of he don't love you that I rebuke it and try to think happier things only for him to come home and pretend I don't exist and confirm what Satan says, then I try to overlook it and pray and try to get through the night. To many years this has gone on and it takes a toll on you on anyone I would believe. I try not to take it personally now but it has messed with my head mentally and emotionally.

My end game is I hope I get to see Jesus when I die and it will all be worth it, but afraid I'll lose my faith in this war because sometimes I just want to give up.

Your  in a battle.  God has already won the war for you..  I'm not giving any advise.  I was married for 25 years and it was a good marriage.  We had our tiffs but they never lasted long.  Stop trying to  figure this all out, hand it over to God and wait.  You said you  hoped you would hope to be with the Lord when you die.  Do you Christ and your Lord and Savior? Do you remember a time when you asked Jesus into your life?  If you are not a Christian all you have to do is ask God for forgive  you of your sins.  Then as Jesus into your heart to  be the Lord and Savior of your life.  Thank Him for dying on a cross, shedding His Blood to cover your sins, and then walk with Him.  Get into the word.  Start in the book of John and know that he loves you.  Then start praying for your husband that He will do the same. Forgive him and wait for God to work. I would also encourage you to get into a good Bible believing, teaching church.

[Widor1]

 

Thank you. Sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do anymore but keep praying,,

Bo peep I honestly don't know where he is 90% of the time, sometimes I get lucky and over hear a conversation then I kinda know what's going on, and I believe he is just wasting time here and there that sorta stuff, guy stuff I suppose. I've tried talking to him on several occasions about how that feels but it goes thru one ear and out the other, then hurt is piled on top on hurt and the cycle never ends. I've cried, got mad, pleaded, even tried the 40 day love dare, I'm a a complete loss and I'm a woman and it's hard to pretend you have no emotions when you feel so alone and frustrated. Problem is my heart is hardening towards him and I know it's a survival instinct in order to deal with it everyday, but then he says I'm cold, I can't win. Always feel like I'm doing something wrong or if I was prettier or skinnier or I tried harder. I did get to the point I realize it's his character and not mine and when satan reminds me of he don't love you that I rebuke it and try to think happier things only for him to come home and pretend I don't exist and confirm what Satan says, then I try to overlook it and pray and try to get through the night. To many years this has gone on and it takes a toll on you on anyone I would believe. I try not to take it personally now but it has messed with my head mentally and emotionally.

My end game is I hope I get to see Jesus when I die and it will all be worth it, but afraid I'll lose my faith in this war because sometimes I just want to give up.

Your just in a battle.  God has already won the war for us.  I'm not giving any advise.  I was married for 25 years and it was a good marriage.  We had our tiffs but they never lasted long.  Stop trying to    figure this all out, had it over to God and wait.  You said you  hoped you would to to be with the Lord when you die.  Do you Christ and your Lord and Savior? Do you remember a time when you asked Jesus into your life?  If you are not a Christian all you have to do is ask God for forgive  you of your sins.  Then as Jesus into your heart to  be the Lord and Savior of your life.  Thank Him for dying on a cross, shedding His Blood to cover your sins, and then walk with Him.  Get into the word.  Start in the book of John and know that he loves you.  Then start praying for your husband that He will do the same. Forgive him and wait for God to work. I would also encourage you to get into a good Bible believing, teaching church.

 

 

 

You are never alone! Use this time to grow with God. Get into the Word and fall in love with Jesus! He died for us while we were undeserving sinners and commanded us to take up our cross daily and follow Him. We must die to ourselves to follow Jesus, and that means we must die to our own will and let Him take over. Your husband is an undeserving sinner that Jesus died for as well. You cannot change his heart, but God can. All you can do is pray, forgive, seek forgiveness, and move forward with God. He will carry you through this.

Mat 11:28  Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Mat 11:29  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Mat 11:30  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

 

 

[RustyAngeL]

 

 

Thank you. Sorry for the rant I just don't know what to do anymore but keep praying,,

Bo peep I honestly don't know where he is 90% of the time, sometimes I get lucky and over hear a conversation then I kinda know what's going on, and I believe he is just wasting time here and there that sorta stuff, guy stuff I suppose. I've tried talking to him on several occasions about how that feels but it goes thru one ear and out the other, then hurt is piled on top on hurt and the cycle never ends. I've cried, got mad, pleaded, even tried the 40 day love dare, I'm a a complete loss and I'm a woman and it's hard to pretend you have no emotions when you feel so alone and frustrated. Problem is my heart is hardening towards him and I know it's a survival instinct in order to deal with it everyday, but then he says I'm cold, I can't win. Always feel like I'm doing something wrong or if I was prettier or skinnier or I tried harder. I did get to the point I realize it's his character and not mine and when satan reminds me of he don't love you that I rebuke it and try to think happier things only for him to come home and pretend I don't exist and confirm what Satan says, then I try to overlook it and pray and try to get through the night. To many years this has gone on and it takes a toll on you on anyone I would believe. I try not to take it personally now but it has messed with my head mentally and emotionally.

My end game is I hope I get to see Jesus when I die and it will all be worth it, but afraid I'll lose my faith in this war because sometimes I just want to give up.

Your in a battle.  God has already won the war for us.  I'm not giving any advise.  I was married for 25 years and it was a good marriage.  We had our tiffs but they never lasted long.  Stop trying to figure this all out, hand it over to God and wait.  You said you  hoped you would go to be with the Lord when you die.  Do you know Christ as your Lord and Savior? Do you remember a time when you asked Jesus into your life?  If you are not a Christian all you have to do is ask God for forgive  you of your sins.  Then ask  Jesus into your heart to  be the Lord and Savior of your life.  Thank Him for dying on a cross, shedding His Blood to cover your sins, and then walk with Him.  Get into the word.  Start in the book of John and know that he loves you.  Then start praying for your husband that He will do the same. Forgive him and wait for God to work. I know this sounds easy but it's not.  Sometimes the wait can be long and nerve racking, But God is right there with you.  I would also encourage you to get into a good Bible believing, Bible teaching church.

 

 

 

You are never alone! Use this time to grow with God. Get into the Word and fall in love with Jesus! He died for us while we were undeserving sinners and commanded us to take up our cross daily and follow Him. We must die to ourselves to follow Jesus, and that means we must die to our own will and let Him take over. Your husband is an undeserving sinner that Jesus died for as well. You cannot change his heart, but God can. All you can do is pray, forgive, seek forgiveness, and move forward with God. He will carry you through this.

Mat 11:28  Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Mat 11:29  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Mat 11:30  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

 

[JohnD]

The best marriage counseling is before the I do's and would give the appearance to the couple who are contemplating marriage that the counselor is out to discourage them from getting married. Second only to discouraging them from sex outside of marriage.

 

Anything less is unrealistic and not preparing them for what marriage is truly about.

 

I know a woman who four months into her marriage found out her husband had terminal brain cancer. She did not say the words but clearly she did not buy into this kind of marriage and wanted out. She remained with him and buried him 3 years later.

 

Uh, yes we DO buy into this sort of thing when we take the oath:

 

For better or for worse

In sickness and in health 

Till death do us part.

 

Even if these words are strickened from the actual vows, the institution is still based upon this commitment (otherwise it is a sham). 

 

My marital counseling course would be like Marine Bootcamp. And I am a former sailor. LOL

[Pro1728]

I don't think that "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health" includes staying in a situation that is so toxic that it damages mental, emotional, and spiritual health--all effecting physical health. I cannot believe that a loving God would wish someone to stay in that sort of situation. You are implying that this is a matter of "Nah, don't like this. Too much work. Too uncomfortable."

 

Please fully read and understand posts before you reply. I would hope that you would not believe that someone being knocked around should stay. Lost teeth and black eyes are a clear case for most Christians, but they refuse to acknowledge psychological harm. My situation was quite dysfunctional (I've already shared that), but my friend's--the woman who began this thread--is in a very, very toxic situation.

 

RustyAngel, I know you mean well, but this is light year's away from someone just going through a rocky patch in her relationship, someone who is disappointed that her husband isn't a spiritual leader, someone who is concerned about the decisions her husband is making for the family, etc. Reading the Bible more, praying more, and having a little more faith is a pat Christianese answer that is very chilling to someone going through excruciating pain. I know you don't mean it to be that, but, trust me, it's like a slap in the face.

[Whispers]

A word of caution: Marital relationships are never black and white and it would be impossible to analyze and diagnose a marital problem on the internet. There are always two sides to the story and the other spouse is not represented here. A one-sided narrative is not fair nor an accurate representation since two people are involved in a marriage. Nothing wrong with discussing issues but a disclaimer needs to be made.

 

God views marriage as a sacred covenant and the Bible is clear:

Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce, says the Lord God."

 

The Bible discusses marriage from Genesis to Revelation. From the garden "the two shall become one" to Revelation and the "marriage supper of the lamb" God views and symbolizes marriage with His people and His Body. Marriage and especially divorce is not taken lightly by God and so it should not be taken lightly by us.

 

God is capable of reforming and changing any person. God is capable of healing, restoring and renewing any marriage if you let Him. Denying this truth is denying God's power and His abilities. God's healing and restoring power is greater than all of our sins and inadequacies.

 

Divorce should only be entertained in instances of repeated and unrepentant heinous sin and the spouse is completely unrepentant and unwilling to let God change them.

 

Edited August 16, 2015 by Whispers