relationship advice needed

[mommommom]

hello there,
i feel like i am finally doing the right thing in reaching out. i am a 36 year old, mother of 6, wife, homeschool mom... i have been saved for about 12 years now, we use a christian curriculum for school, i read the word with my children, attend bible studies where i can, i have served in the worship ministry before, but with my youngest haven't been able to return. my husband claims to be a christian. he believes in God. he has no fruit, is depressed, comtemplating suicide quite often, manipulative, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. his words and actions hurt, yet somehow he turns it around on me and makes me feel guilty, because i am a sinner also, and not perfect. i get blamed for everything, there are few light moments in my husband's life. i love to serve God with all my heart and do not want to separate. i have prayed for so many years to unite us as husband and wife, he won't pray with me, because i'm not good enough. i have even held 2 date your spouse events to maybe bring us closer to each other in a group setting. i know works wont get me to heaven, but i've prayerfully considered all these things mentioned. he constantly reminds me of my past mistakes, puts me down in front of our children and a week ago proclaimed i had no holy spirit. he used to be a heavy drug user way before i met him. he is a self-employed carpenter, only provider for this family and i dont know what i would do without him. i know God knows. i just dont know how much longer i can carry this burden. i dont want my children to grow up thinking our marriage is normal. i know all marriages have ups and downs, and are there to sanctify us, but this is above and beyond what i signed up for. i've been longing and praying to return to the worship ministry. my family will always come first. i would not take on such a big job, if i knew my family would suffer from it. he is keeping me from my Savior. when i read the bible with the kids and he happens to come home from work, or is home, he enters the room, sits down and listens for a few minutes and then interrupts and starts conversations. im not saying this to judge, he knows it upsets me, but its like he cant hear the word of God coming out of my mouth. he hates sunday mornings. he treats me like a child, punishing me for things that happened years ago. he has no forgiveness, no love, no joy, gentleness, self-control, kindness, etc.... there is nothing but bitterness, hatred and darkness in his heart. his God seems to be a different one than mine. i am sorry, i know this makes me look pretty good and him pretty bad, and that is not my intention. i know God loves him unconditionally. i have waited for so long for him to change and it seems to just get worse. 2 of our kids were at a rodeo bible camp last weekend. they are inexperienced riders and have only been practicing for a total of maybe 2 months. not everything went as they had practiced, and they weren't winning any events. but, they had a blast, made new friends, worshiped the Lord and learned more about Him. my husband flipped out about our oldest son being such a loser for not getting everything right and perfect and winning any events. if my son had heard this, he would have been heartbroken and damaged for the rest of his life. i told him he was crazy, as i usually not do, because i dont want to get hurt. he was chasing me around the dinner table, coming after me. when i said he was crazy and that our boy was having the time of his life and trying really hard, it's almost like a light came on and he realized how wrong he was. i later heard him praising our boy for doing a good job. he does show heart at times, but most of the time there is nothing but darkness. i so long for the light. i want my babies to grow up and know jesus. not just because they are taught to believe, but to really know Him! i can't stand this anymore. after the no holy spirit incident, something changed. i have been able to emotionally distance myself some and look at him and his behavior in a different light. my mother and father have passed away and i feel so embarassed, i don't know where to turn for help or what the right thing to do is...

[da_man1974]

Praying for you.

[Steve_S]

Praying.

[Ezra]

6 hours ago, mommommom said:

i don't know where to turn for help or what the right thing to do is...

Sister,

I am sorry that you are facing such a huge obstacle with your husband.  I assume you attend a church. Have you never sat down with the pastor(s)/elder(s) and talked about this?

It would appear that your husband is not saved, so that is the primary issue that needs to be addressed.  But you need someone to support you and also confront your husband about his behavior and his spiritual condition. 

As a last resort you may have to file for separation or divorce to avoid having your children destroyed. But you need personal counseling and encouragement from those who can provide it. As well as the prayers of your church.

[missmuffet]

It is common for an abusive spouse to turn the abuse around and make it seem like it is all your fault. Some of them are quite good at it. It sounds like you are a doormat for your husband's abuse. That is a very sad and difficult position to be in for you and your children. The marriage that you are in is damaging to your children and could affect their future.

Have you and your husband considered marriage counseling? It is rare that a husband who is subjecting all this abuse on you will attend marriage counseling. You need to pray continuously for your husband, and you and your children. If your husband refuses marriage counseling you may want to think about a legal separation. If your husband then wants to be the husband that God wants him to be then there may be a chance for a reconciliation.

My prayers for the position you are in 

[mommommom]

Thank you everyone. We don't have a church we call home at the moment, but I'm pretty close with the pastoring couples of a few area churches. I just love serving and my call into the worship ministry has left me with several options recently. I have a hard time committing without my husband's support bc of my little ones. I think a reason he avoids Sunday mornings is his fear of being confronted. I can't tell him anything without him freaking out emotionally. I've tried speaking in love, and don't get me wrong I keep seeking out the log in my own eye at all times. So I'm not just confronting him about his faults or anything. I gave him Gary Thomas' devotions for a sacred marriage for Father's day. I'm praying it will bind us together and help him understand Jesus. It's kind of my last straw. I'm not ready to take this to a real person, so I appreciate your prayers. He recently considered getting back on wellbutrin, I think it was, as I guess he was on it before we met. But as soon as I found him a psychologist's number, he refused. It's like when I try helping he turns me down and then complains that I don't help. 

[da_man1974]

Ugh.  It sounds like a rough spot.  Had you ever suggested couples counseling?  Or just counseling for yourself on how to deal with this situation.  They may have some really good ideas to help you.

[CaringBrit]

On 6/22/2016 at 6:55 PM, mommommom said:

hello there,
i feel like i am finally doing the right thing in reaching out. i am a 36 year old, mother of 6, wife, homeschool mom... i have been saved for about 12 years now, we use a christian curriculum for school, i read the word with my children, attend bible studies where i can, i have served in the worship ministry before, but with my youngest haven't been able to return. my husband claims to be a christian. he believes in God. he has no fruit, is depressed, comtemplating suicide quite often, manipulative, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. his words and actions hurt, yet somehow he turns it around on me and makes me feel guilty, because i am a sinner also, and not perfect. i get blamed for everything, there are few light moments in my husband's life. i love to serve God with all my heart and do not want to separate. i have prayed for so many years to unite us as husband and wife, he won't pray with me, because i'm not good enough. i have even held 2 date your spouse events to maybe bring us closer to each other in a group setting. i know works wont get me to heaven, but i've prayerfully considered all these things mentioned. he constantly reminds me of my past mistakes, puts me down in front of our children and a week ago proclaimed i had no holy spirit. he used to be a heavy drug user way before i met him. he is a self-employed carpenter, only provider for this family and i dont know what i would do without him. i know God knows. i just dont know how much longer i can carry this burden. i dont want my children to grow up thinking our marriage is normal. i know all marriages have ups and downs, and are there to sanctify us, but this is above and beyond what i signed up for. i've been longing and praying to return to the worship ministry. my family will always come first. i would not take on such a big job, if i knew my family would suffer from it. he is keeping me from my Savior. when i read the bible with the kids and he happens to come home from work, or is home, he enters the room, sits down and listens for a few minutes and then interrupts and starts conversations. im not saying this to judge, he knows it upsets me, but its like he cant hear the word of God coming out of my mouth. he hates sunday mornings. he treats me like a child, punishing me for things that happened years ago. he has no forgiveness, no love, no joy, gentleness, self-control, kindness, etc.... there is nothing but bitterness, hatred and darkness in his heart. his God seems to be a different one than mine. i am sorry, i know this makes me look pretty good and him pretty bad, and that is not my intention. i know God loves him unconditionally. i have waited for so long for him to change and it seems to just get worse. 2 of our kids were at a rodeo bible camp last weekend. they are inexperienced riders and have only been practicing for a total of maybe 2 months. not everything went as they had practiced, and they weren't winning any events. but, they had a blast, made new friends, worshiped the Lord and learned more about Him. my husband flipped out about our oldest son being such a loser for not getting everything right and perfect and winning any events. if my son had heard this, he would have been heartbroken and damaged for the rest of his life. i told him he was crazy, as i usually not do, because i dont want to get hurt. he was chasing me around the dinner table, coming after me. when i said he was crazy and that our boy was having the time of his life and trying really hard, it's almost like a light came on and he realized how wrong he was. i later heard him praising our boy for doing a good job. he does show heart at times, but most of the time there is nothing but darkness. i so long for the light. i want my babies to grow up and know jesus. not just because they are taught to believe, but to really know Him! i can't stand this anymore. after the no holy spirit incident, something changed. i have been able to emotionally distance myself some and look at him and his behavior in a different light. my mother and father have passed away and i feel so embarassed, i don't know where to turn for help or what the right thing to do is...

im sorry to hear about this it doesnt seem easy at all all i can say is keep praying for Him believe the Lord will do good and soften his heart 

 

 

i agree with what others have said too turn to seperation as a last resort , pray for guidance see what the Lord is telling you to do , read the bible 

[SIC]

On 6/22/2016 at 11:25 PM, mommommom said:

hello there,
i feel like i am finally doing the right thing in reaching out. i am a 36 year old, mother of 6, wife, homeschool mom... i have been saved for about 12 years now, we use a christian curriculum for school, i read the word with my children, attend bible studies where i can, i have served in the worship ministry before, but with my youngest haven't been able to return. my husband claims to be a christian. he believes in God. he has no fruit, is depressed, comtemplating suicide quite often, manipulative, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. his words and actions hurt, yet somehow he turns it around on me and makes me feel guilty, because i am a sinner also, and not perfect. i get blamed for everything, there are few light moments in my husband's life. i love to serve God with all my heart and do not want to separate. i have prayed for so many years to unite us as husband and wife, he won't pray with me, because i'm not good enough. i have even held 2 date your spouse events to maybe bring us closer to each other in a group setting. i know works wont get me to heaven, but i've prayerfully considered all these things mentioned. he constantly reminds me of my past mistakes, puts me down in front of our children and a week ago proclaimed i had no holy spirit. he used to be a heavy drug user way before i met him. he is a self-employed carpenter, only provider for this family and i dont know what i would do without him. i know God knows. i just dont know how much longer i can carry this burden. i dont want my children to grow up thinking our marriage is normal. i know all marriages have ups and downs, and are there to sanctify us, but this is above and beyond what i signed up for. i've been longing and praying to return to the worship ministry. my family will always come first. i would not take on such a big job, if i knew my family would suffer from it. he is keeping me from my Savior. when i read the bible with the kids and he happens to come home from work, or is home, he enters the room, sits down and listens for a few minutes and then interrupts and starts conversations. im not saying this to judge, he knows it upsets me, but its like he cant hear the word of God coming out of my mouth. he hates sunday mornings. he treats me like a child, punishing me for things that happened years ago. he has no forgiveness, no love, no joy, gentleness, self-control, kindness, etc.... there is nothing but bitterness, hatred and darkness in his heart. his God seems to be a different one than mine. i am sorry, i know this makes me look pretty good and him pretty bad, and that is not my intention. i know God loves him unconditionally. i have waited for so long for him to change and it seems to just get worse. 2 of our kids were at a rodeo bible camp last weekend. they are inexperienced riders and have only been practicing for a total of maybe 2 months. not everything went as they had practiced, and they weren't winning any events. but, they had a blast, made new friends, worshiped the Lord and learned more about Him. my husband flipped out about our oldest son being such a loser for not getting everything right and perfect and winning any events. if my son had heard this, he would have been heartbroken and damaged for the rest of his life. i told him he was crazy, as i usually not do, because i dont want to get hurt. he was chasing me around the dinner table, coming after me. when i said he was crazy and that our boy was having the time of his life and trying really hard, it's almost like a light came on and he realized how wrong he was. i later heard him praising our boy for doing a good job. he does show heart at times, but most of the time there is nothing but darkness. i so long for the light. i want my babies to grow up and know jesus. not just because they are taught to believe, but to really know Him! i can't stand this anymore. after the no holy spirit incident, something changed. i have been able to emotionally distance myself some and look at him and his behavior in a different light. my mother and father have passed away and i feel so embarassed, i don't know where to turn for help or what the right thing to do is...

Praying for you and your kids. I can tell by experience that kids who grow up in such an environment tend to get scarred for life. God bless you and your kids  

[mommommom]

Thank you everyone for the prayers. These last couple of days have been rough. I've been trying to stand up for myself more and there's been more fighting. In my husband's eyes, I have no right to express frustration, anger, or actually any feeling. I hate fighting in front of the kids, but I feel like I'm fighting for my life here, I cannot go on like this. Thank you all!