Communication and Cultivating a Christ-Centered Marriage

[Kelsey495]

My husband and I have been married for almost two years. He is a wonderful Christain man. He loves giving back to the church, dedicating himself to helping family and church family, he is hard working, and so much more. When we first met I immediately knew he was different than most people and that he processes things differently. It is very difficult for him to put himself in someone else's shoes, or understand that others interpret situations differently than he does. There is no ill-will towards anyone, he just cannot empathize well and often misinterprets or misses nuances of meaning. I know this and try to adjust my interactions with him accordingly, but I feel like effective communication is always a struggle. I want to find a better way to communicate with him and to help our marriage grow. When I tell him that I want to connect more and grow our marriage he becomes offended and interprets it as me saying he is a bad husband and our relationship is terrible, which is not the case. When I try to clarify my meaning he shuts down or becomes angry. I have attempted to follow advice saying to dedicate myself to biblical wifely duties and pray that he will become more active and open to growing our marriage. However, it seems the more I dedicate myself to selflessly serving him the more he takes for granted what I do and the more he begins to expect it. If I fail or forget something, like washing his undershirts, he rebukes me as if I am a child that has misbehaved. When I try to tell him how I feel he shuts down or gets upset. So I have tried to be more subtle. I asked if we could start reading the bible together and praying before bed, but again he interpreted it as me saying our marriage is terrible. It isn't terrible, far from it, but before we have children I feel that we need to be able to work better as a team, communicate more effectively, and have a more Christ-centered relationship. Prayers and advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Willa]

Don't ask God to change him---ask God to change you to be the help meet that He needs.  Ask God to help you be what he is not so as to compliment him: that your strengths may be used to bless him.  And thank God for him just as he is, and for giving you such a godly man.  

1Pe 3:1  AMP  IN LIKE manner, you married women, be submissive to your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion but by the [godly] lives of their wives, 1Pe 3:2  When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].

1Pe 3:3  Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; 1Pe 3:4  But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.

Just saying, the more I asked God to change my husband, the more he changed me and my attitudes.  He did eventually change him; he became a reflection of Father God to me.  But more than that, God had to change me, an independent woman to become the woman he needed:   "to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband]."      Men and women will never really understand each other.  Differing hormones motivate us in different ways.     

We have been married 54 years.

[JohnD]

Welcome to marriage.

We all want what is best for our marriage. And while we all have admirable qualities (apparent especially in the beginning) we are after all fallen sinners trying to make one life together.

Think of the results you seek as in a marathon rather than a sprint.

Show him what he should know. Tell him very little. Draw from him the loving response to a situation (forgotten this or discussing that).

To this day I take things my beloved wife says the wrong way. Part of it's just being human.

One day as we drove past a restaurant we'd like to try (when our rich uncle gets out of the poorhouse) she mentioned how she really wants to go there... here lately finances have been tight, unexpected expenses and I already work two jobs (I had to be at the second job on the way home from the first when she said it) and I took it the wrong way... and I was rather terse about it. She was commenting on what she saw as we drove past. I on the other hand felt like a lousy provider AND that she was ever coming up with ways to spend money.

Now neither is true. She works hard and scrimps and saves and does without (more than she lets on).

But that's how I took it at that moment. I since apologized...

Christmas Day will be our 37th Wedding Anniversary btw.

One day you will find that what matters is that you cannot do without each other. There will be improvements. But it's never like we think it's going to be (or even determined to force it to be). And we put the things that drive us nuts about the other in the category "no one can make me happier or drive me crazier" because no one is that close to you.

I have a song I wrote: She'll Drive You Crazy... (my song so I get to name it) 

She'll drive you crazy...

Like no one can...

She'll drive you crazy...

Like no one can...

 

That's 'cause she's been...

Where none gets in...

 

He'll drive you crazy...

Like no one can...

He'll drive you crazy...

Just bein' a man...

 

That's 'cause he's been...

Where none gets in...

 

She'll make ya happy...

Like no one can...

She'll make ya happy...

So glad you're a man...

 

That's 'cause she's been...

Where none gets in...

 

He'll make ya happy...