Never Thought I'd Have an Affair

[Guest Bro David™]

You are going to find that my advice was the only advice that kept from hurting the husband,,,,and kept the marriage going strong...

I think that if you are going to tell anyone that you should go to a pastor of a church you don't attend first to get his advice...

I also think that my advice will be the best advice that a pastor will also give you....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I don't know where you're getting your ideas from, but you can be assured what is done in secret will be brought to the light. It's better for her to level now with what she's done than it come out somewhere down the road because I assure you, it will!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

D Smith,

are you telling her that in order for her to refrain from hurting anyone it is okay to keep a lie hidden.

Giving un-trained advice to a serious problem is not very funny in my book.

Socialy, Biblicaly your wrong to dispense such advice.

With Love

David King

[Imamom]

I was cheated on. I thought I was being cheated on and asked my spouse. He denied it each time of course.....for me to find out from a photo (1st time) the other person (2nd time), physical evidence and verification by other person (3rd time), a videotape left in my car (last time). Needless to say we are no longer living as husband and wife. I can tell you (from obvious experience) that I would have much prefered to hear it from him rather than learning from other means. I really think you should pray for God to help you with the words to use when you tell your husband. I don't think that if he loves you he will stay and if not he may go as some have said. He may leave even if he does love you. He may say. I don't know. But if he stays...Never, Never, Never do that again.

[Guest D Smith]

so many times what passes off as "Just being honest" is actually just a guy who did the sin trying to toss some of the guilt onto the party that had done nothing wrong....

I know of one case on-line where this same topic came up...I girl on a forum was well liked and everyone on the forum enjoyed her,,,

Then the news came that her husband had "confessed" that he had cheated on her....He asked her to "forgive" him,,,

The poor wife was destroyed!

She got sick,,,she hurt so bad,,,,then I started to read the comments of the forum telling her that "unless you forgive you are not a true christian"

That totally destroyed her all the more,,,,The husband felt so good about his "Being honest"...that now he was doing even more harm to his wife by demamnding to be forgiven....

The marriage failed...

I watch the whole sad thing happen on-line,,,and to this day have fought this idea that 'being honest" is a good thing in such a case,,,,

Also, I have asked questions of the same type of situation to real Life marriage counselors and other people that are very well ed in how to save a marriage..

so far I have NEVER found a pastor or a marriage teacher of anyone in Christian marriage outreach that says that "being honest" in this case is helpful...

Too many times what passes as "being honest " is just the guilty adding more HARM,,,,more Gas to the fire,,,,,,

This is my advice:

Tell no one,,,,stop sinning,,,confess onto the Lord your sins but PROTECT your wife or husband from being destroyed....

Thats the only advice that works,,,,the only advice that saves the marriage....

"Go now and sin no more"

[Guest Bro David™]

Point being it is better to live a lie has opposed to comming clean and giving the spouse the respect he/she deserves by telling the Truth ???

Bad Idea in all counts.

Truth might hurt her or might patch the marriage up but that particular burden now lies with the spouse that was cheated.

Again I have no wish to turn this into a "Our" case debate.

Let the sister turn to the one with the real anwsers, God and He will hold her hand throughout this.

Let us all just hold her up in Prayer.

With Love

David King

[Guest D Smith]

david I just think you are not understanding what is the very bad advice you are handing out here....

If the person who cheated says, "Oh but I want to be free of the guilt and confess"..my answer is "Too bad"

The point being that just because the guilty party feels heavy with guilt, this does not give them any right at all to attempt to transfer this to the other party....

I have asked this question of real life marriage councilors and I have NEVER heard that "being honest" is the correct action to take here...

The point is, that you cant back-up time,,,you cant wave your magic wand and make the sin be un-done.....

But you can save the marriage right now,,,you can....however it means carrying this load alone,,,you must do this as an act of Love and protection to your husband or wife,,,,You have every need to talk to the leaders of your church, or of a different church, but you have no need to "confess" this knowing the HUGE Un-ending harm you will cause,,,,,

If any marriage councilors disagree with what I have written, then I would ask them to back-up their disagreement with some type of written works that I could put to the test,,,But as far as I know, the Christian marriage books that take on this topic are in-line with my posts....

[Imamom]

david I just think you are not understanding what is the very bad advice you are handing out  here.... 

 

If the person who cheated says, "Oh but I want to be free of the guilt and confess"..my answer is "Too bad" 

 

The point being that just because the guilty party feels heavy with guilt, this does not give them any right at all to attempt to transfer this to the other party.... 

 

I have asked this question of real life marriage councilors and I have NEVER heard that "being honest" is the correct action to take here... 

 

The point is, that you cant back-up time,,,you cant wave your magic wand and make the sin be un-done..... 

 

But you can save the marriage right now,,,you can....however it means carrying this load  alone,,,you must do this as an act of Love and protection to your husband or wife,,,,You have every need to talk to the leaders of your church, or of a different church, but you have no need to "confess" this knowing the HUGE Un-ending harm you will cause,,,,, 

 

If any marriage councilors disagree with what I have written, then I would ask them to back-up their disagreement with some type of written works that I could put to the test,,,But as far as I know, the Christian marriage books that take on this topic are in-line with my posts....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

And what about the terrible event of the spouse finding out anyway and then being that much more hurt over the LIE?

[Guest D Smith]

again,,,,I have yet to hear a real marriage pastor disagree with what I have said,,,

Look, this is NOT MY IDEAS!!!!....

I'm only telling you what is the best advice I have learned on this topic,,,I have listened to the BIBLE ANSWER MAN radio show and their advice was the same as Mine,,,

I have heard other advisers ,,,like on the Catholic Radio call-in show that have said the very same..

Even Doc. Lora is in agreement with what I have said...Infact I have NEVER known any marriage teacher or pastor to teach different....

I would question any who disagree,,,I would like to see how anyone could ever disagree and what works they have that support their views....

So far as I know, even if you did a quick check at your own Christian bookstore on this topic you will see what Im saying is the majority view help in the church,,,

[Orr v'emet]

again,,,,I have yet to hear a real marriage pastor disagree with what I have said,,,

Look, this is NOT MY IDEAS!!!!....

I'm only telling you what is the best advice I have learned on this topic,,,I have listened to the BIBLE ANSWER MAN radio show and their advice was the same as Mine,,,

I have heard  other advisers ,,,like on the Catholic Radio call-in show that have said the very same..

Even Doc. Lora is in agreement with what I have said...Infact I have NEVER known any marriage teacher or pastor to teach different....

I would question any who disagree,,,I would like to see how anyone could ever disagree and what works they have that support their views....

So far as I know, even if you did a quick check at your own Christian bookstore on this topic you will see what Im saying is the majority view help in the church,,,

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think you need to listen to new radio stations and stop getting advice from man-made books in the "christian" bookstore. Instead open the word of God and let it be your guide.

[RGR]

david I just think you are not understanding what is the very bad advice you are handing out here....

David isn't handing out bad advice and I think you need to ask yourself the question about bad advice.

You can give isolated incidents of someone who went crazy over the truth being told but as I have already stated, the truth will come out. How much more crazy would she have went then not hearing it from him?

Do you have a license to counsel? If so, remind me to never see you!

[Guest bbs71]

I have to say that I really am struggling with whether to tell him or not. I understand the argument for telling as well as not telling. Again, if I were on the other end, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'd never want to know because I know that it would be very hard for me to want to work things out and move past it .... or I would have before this all happened. Yes, in essence you would be living a lie but I think I'd rather live that lie, allbeit that it was a one-time thing and never happened again, and be happy and be together and enjoy that ignorant bliss than to have my entire live forever changed with just a few words.

But if I try to put myself in his place and ask that same question, I don't know what he'd prefer. But part of me says it doesn't matter. You have to do what's right in the end and my heart tells me it's the right thing to do. I truly do believe that our relationship is strong enough to weather it but again, I'd hate to miscalculate and destroy the chance at a happy life that we do have.

And this isn't about trying to put guilt off on him. This was my decision alone and he had no influence in making me do what I did. If I do admit it, it will be out of respect that he has the right to know and he should be given the choice to decide whether he wants to stay with me or not. I am strong enough to admit that this was my fault and mine alone.