Long question

[Tyler22]

PLEASE READ ENTIRE POST BEFORE ANSWERING BECAUSE IF YOU DONT NONE OF THIS WILL MAKE SENSE

So I had a thought in April.... (more than just a thought... a dire experiential timeframe of things)  that led me to think I’m a reprobate. The following are very raw words so they might not make sense completely to you, because they are journal entries, as I’m reflecting on this deep DEEP issue with God.  I got a journal that has bible entries in it that are helping me to reflect and describe what this “reprobate feeling” so I ask for help 

 

Ok.  If you don’t know ....   So I’m the guy who deals with am I a reprobate or not.   It’s chaotic.  I’ve done some reflective prayer with God and ask believers for help.  This is a prayer reflection I posted on Facebook ” Day 2 of my reflection personal retreat. For my benefit and for others.... Today in my book, I am reading about God's word. When we read God's word, how do our heart's feel while reading it? A very complex question to answer, indeed, as our hearts our very deep and complicated, as is God's most HOLY word... But how we feel when we listen to OTHERS can be indicative of how we are listening to God's word. What brings your heart peace? I was deeply contemplating on this, this morning. I was visualizing my heart. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. So as I was visualizing my heart, and praying, I pictured a divided heart. Almost like when you go to the mall and see the two escalators next to each other. Right along each other, BUT one going up and ONE going DOWN. As I continued talking with Abba Father, I said, "So what is the problem?" He told me that "When your doubting, when you're not completely present, your heart is not whole. It is like an escalator, one part going one way, and one part, another way." And that was A HUGE MOMENT FOR ME! Whenever we feel our hearts aren't right, we need to focus on making them whole... whole in relation to God and others, but we have to do this. With God's grace of course. So for me, I simply try to picture my heart, and feel the movements... (this is work and effort. We are not asking God to do it like a genie) ... and feel God's presence there. And I am being real with God and acknowledge that he is there with me in my heart, this is the way my heart feels. When I am in Him. I feel this.... a lightness of heart in me... it's a movement of Him in my heart. And in my own life I need to work on not just having this presence of His in my heart when I'm praying to Him, but also in the daily routine of life. My prayer: May I spend more quiet time with You, asking You... "God, when do I feel most at peace with you? And when I am not feeling Your peace, what are the movements of my heart?" Dear God, let Your presence be in my heart. By Your grace, let me not only feel Your presence when I'm in prayer alone with You, but through my life, day and night, throughout all the daily routines and motions of this life. God bless.” 

 

Ten minutes later after googling this i find an article that says ‘don’t  trust the peace in your heart’, and then doubt invades my heart, rushes to my head, and I start thinking God wants me to kill my self.  (Because I’m a reprobate maybe) I want to live, and frustrated.  It’s like I want peace but this issue is irreversible.  I feel like sin is a separate issue, think I’m reprobate again.  

 

Then i flee to reassurance seeking.  At a bare minimum atleast I know what I’m going through .  

 

Faced with two decisions, fake the “peace” heart feeling or suicide 

 

asking mature believers for input 

[Jayne]

Quote

Faced with two decisions, fake the “peace” heart feeling or suicide 

I'm going to tell you straight up that neither one of these options is viable or God-directed.

[1] FAKING THE PEACE OF GOD

Boy, have I ever been there and done that.  I have anxiety/depression and most people in my "real life" don't know it because I don't share it.  Faking one's emotional state isn't healthy.  Because it's fake - it just aggravates the pain.  But faking the peace of God is unbiblical and spiritually crippling.  

If  you have truly given your life to Christ and follow God as a child of his and as a Christian, NEVER fake anything with God.  Tell him the truth.  Tell him you suffer.  Tell others - in your REAL and daily life.  Seek counseling from a trusted Christian.  Keep reading the Bible.  Keep praying.  Seek out ways to serve God and serve others.  Sing  hymns.  Dance around your living room.  Reject the devil's lies.  Cultivate friendships.

But NEVER fake anything for or with God.

 

[2] SUICIDE

Yeah, I've been there too.  I plotted my own death twice - once from a reaction to a neurological prescription med that carried a side effct of obsession with death.  I told my doctor and he took me off of it.  But it was very real to me in the moment.  The other time, I went through a crisis that I could not handle and truly contemplated taking my own life.

Why didn't I go through with it?  

•  I knew with 100% certainty that it was not what God wanted.  So - I couldn't do it no matter how much it was tugging at me and driving me crazy.  Depression doesn't help either, but I prevailed with God's help.  This was very, very real.
•  I knew it was a lie from the devil.  God says in the Word that the devil is seeking to kill and destroy.  I wasn't going to follow the devil in this matter no matter how much I was suffering.  The devil is the one telling you that suicide is an option.  It's a lie.
•  I knew that my mother, father, and brother would never get over this.  Ever.  I would be destroying four lives instead of one.

This is just my two cents worth to you.  

[wingnut-]

Tyler, I think part of the issue is recognizing why you are doing the things you do.  Now, if you truly know God then you already know you cannot fool Him or trick Him into believing you feel one way when you feel another.  So, you're not putting on a mask to fool God, you are putting it on for other people.  What you need to figure out and be honest with yourself and God regarding, is why you want to condemn yourself?  What is it that you have done and/or are doing that makes you feel so unworthy?  I'm not asking you to answer this for me or anyone else, but for yourself.  Once you figure out the answer then maybe you can start with healing.

As far as being divided within yourself, it is not that difficult.  We are told to "walk in the Spirit", so you need to figure out what that means and get guidance from mature believers as to how this is accomplished.  God isn't just with you when you are praying, He is with you always.

 

God bless

[dhchristian]

44 minutes ago, Tyler22 said:

But how we feel when we listen to OTHERS can be indicative of how we are listening to God's word. What brings your heart peace? I was deeply contemplating on this, this morning. I was visualizing my heart. I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. So as I was visualizing my heart, and praying, I pictured a divided heart. Almost like when you go to the mall and see the two escalators next to each other. Right along each other, BUT one going up and ONE going DOWN. As I continued talking with Abba Father, I said, "So what is the problem?" He told me that "When your doubting, when you're not completely present, your heart is not whole. It is like an escalator, one part going one way, and one part, another way." And that was A HUGE MOMENT FOR ME! Whenever we feel our hearts aren't right, we need to focus on making them whole... whole in relation to God and others, but we have to do this. With God's grace of course. So for me, I simply try to picture my heart, and feel the movements... (this is work and effort. We are not asking God to do it like a genie) ... and feel God's presence there. And I am being real with God and acknowledge that he is there with me in my heart, this is the way my heart feels. When I am in Him. I feel this.... a lightness of heart in me... it's a movement of Him in my heart. And in my own life I need to work on not just having this presence of His in my heart when I'm praying to Him, but also in the daily routine of life.

Tyler,

What you are being shown is your Lukewarmness. Luke warmness is Partial unbelief, The result of this is doubt, and a lack of peace and assurance. Right now many in the churches are falling victim to this sort of doubt and it manifests in feelings of unworthiness. The two escalators are symbols of a divided heart one going after the world, and the things of the World, the other going after God wanting the best of both worlds. You are going to have to make a decision in your heart whether you want to go up or go down, and in your case these are extremes. I want you to take the time and read the Letter in revelation to the church of Laodicea, and read it as if this letter is addressed to you personally. You speak here of "feel", and "Picture", I want you to get away from this mindset and start to "Know Him" and "Know his Presence". The way to overcoming this lukewarmness is by following the instructions in that letter in Rev. 3;14-22. By what you have written you are already on that journey, but you have yet to reach repentance. You are conflicted and do not know why, and this will explain why. 

Suicide is the most selfish decision anyone can make, and is a symptom of this "selfie" generation which we live in. You can come to KNOW Him, and Know his peace, and to KNOW his assurance, when you stop trying to "feel" your way around, and have your Eyes opened to Him. To have your Eyes opened you need His "Eye salve" (rev. 3:18), Pray to Him, admit that you Need Him, and he will anoint your eyes so that you can see. He wants to be fully With You, His name is Emmanuel, God with us, and when you come to the foot of the cross in repentance and need, drawing nigh to Him, he will come into you, and sup with you, feeding you the bread of LIFE, and the Water that quenches all the thirsts that you are "feeling". Then you will Know Him in your heart, and believe with all your heart, not just half heartedly. Focus on the Highlighted words below, and I pray that the LORD will make his presence Known in your life, and that "He shall Lift you up"... In Jesus name, Amen.

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded. Be afflicted, and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up. (James 4:7-10) 

 

[Who me]

What are you trusting in for your salvation?

Is it Jesus's death and resurrection or your feelings?

Do you believe that Jesus paid for your sins, took your punishment, that he has given you his rightousness and that it is Jesus who is holding on to your faith?

Was Paul correct when he said that there is Nothing, that is right Nothing in all creation that is able to separate you from the love of Jesus.

If you believe this what is  the problem.

 

God sent his Son to be beaten half to death and then to hang from nail driven through his wrists untill he lacked the strength to push himself up on the nail through his feet, so he could breath. As his legs lost strength his body dropped onto his outstreched arms driving the air out of his lings and forcing him to push down on the nail in his feet and so on for six(6) long hours.

He did this because he Loves you. Note that this is present tense, he loves you now and will continue to love you.

 

[dhchristian]

Please, All, Pray for Tyler... Thank You.

[unworthyservant]

11 hours ago, Tyler22 said:

Ten minutes later after googling this i find an article that says ‘don’t  trust the peace in your heart’, and then doubt invades my heart

First Tyler let me say that the advice from Jayne and Who Me are solid advice (I didn't really read any others). So I would only add that if you truly have Faith in Christ and His Sacrifice that is necessary for Salvation and you still have these feelings why not instead of trying to find God's love in the quiet time, try getting out and doing what Christ taught us to do, share God's love with those in your corner of the world that are in need. Share that love however you can and with whatever talents or earthly wealth you have at your disposal. You'll find that God rewards efforts of this nature and you'll find that He'll fill your heart with the joy that comes from helping others along the way and the peace and love that only God can impart. Not to mention the gratification of just knowing you were a blessing to someone and that God has blessed you accordingly. Christ taught a Gospel of action and when you put it into action the blessings will begin to flow in ways you can only imagine. Just be sure and give God the glory every time and He'll keep the blessings flowing. In the end you may find yourself just praising God and asking for the strength to do it all again tomorrow so as to keep the blessings coming. But remember it's a two way street, as God sends the blessings you must share them in order that He will refill them or they will dry up as soon as you start trying to hoard them for yourself or take credit for the works which God has wrought! Hope that helps and God Bless.

[unworthyservant]

10 hours ago, wingnut- said:

God isn't just with you when you are praying, He is with you always.

 

Truer words were NEVER spoken and believe me when I say that because "NEVER is a word I SELDOM use". God Bless you and God Bless Tyler, too.