Living together before marriage

[_arandanos182]

Hi everyone. there's  something that's been on my mind the past few months and i need some advice. I will tell you my story:

I'm a 27 years old woman from Venezuela. I was born and raised in a Christian family. I went to church since I was a baby and during my teenage years I was a musician at church. I also accepted Jesus as my only Lord and Saviour at a very young age. I was always a very good kid and was very committed to church and God. When I was about 18 stopped going to church because it started getting boring for me. I never stopped believing. I was also not mad at God or anything. I was just too lazy and didn't feel like going to church. I would still pray and have a relationship with God. I know everything I am, have and achieve is because of his love and grace.

3 years ago my mom passed away. I'm only child and haven't spoke to my dad in many years (we were never close). So after my mom passed away I started behaving bad, because I felt lost and with no direction and I felt I had no one to make proud or disappoint, so I started also having sex. Yes, I was a virgin until I was 25 and wanted to wait until marriage but it didn't happen. I always thought I would feel very bad and disappointed of myself If I had sex before marriage, but tbh what was on my mind the moment i did it was "I can't believe I've been missing this all these years" so I kept doing it (and I'm not proud of it). 

In the other hand... My country has been going through a extremely bad economical crisis so I had to leave. It was always my wish to live in another country (Germany to be precise) and I finally had the chance and God made it possible. Only he knows how much I wanted this. So I moved in June 2018 to Germany as an Au Pair. I was living with an amazing Baptist family and was attending church again and I even got baptised, but I still was living in sexual sin. At the end of the year I met an amazing non Christian guy who became my boyfriend and who is my biggest support and who I plan to marry in the future. I can't explain how much i love him and how grateful I am for everything he has done for me (he even attended my baptism).

In june 2019 my au pair year ended and I had to move out and started working as a volunteer. Soo... Here comes the problem: my visa will expire soon, right now I have my own apartment because my employer is paying for it. My boyfriend lives in another state far away (we dont see each other often) and he wants us to move together when my visa expires, and tbh i don't have anywhere else to live. Germany is an extremely bureaucratic country and for me as a foreigner everything is very difficult. He needs to be my sponsor in order for me to stay here. We for sure want to get married but right now it's impossible, even to get married I have to travel to my country and apply for a visa in there, so that's a lot of money that we cannot spend right now.

I don't know what to do. I know for sure as a Christian, that living together is not okay, but I don't think I have another choice. Without his support I would be already back in my country having a very bad time. Going back to my country and staying there is not an option. I  was having a hard time there already before comimg here and i also won't be able to help my family (which me and my boyfriend do often from here).

I'm a doctor there btw, and I know for a fact that I could not even survive with my salary. I won't give details about the situation there, but I assure you is way more worse than you think. That being said, you might ask yourself why I'm not working as a doctor in germany. The answer is of course bureaucracy. My degree is not recognised here yet. It can be of course, but it's a long process and I'm working on it. For this I need time+economical support, and that's something my boyfriend can give me.

I would appreciate some advices and opinions. Feel free to ask anything too

God bless you all 

Edited January 23, 2020 by _arandanos182

[George]

Shalom _arandanos182,

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[lovethelord]

Hi arandanos182,

Welcome to Worthy.

I'm concerned that your boyfriend is not a Christian. When a person is not a Christian they don't feel there is higher being ie: God to answer to for their choices and decisions made in life. Most importantly, they are not indwelt with the Holy Spirit to guide them in wisdom and daily living. You both believe you eventually want to get married but until that time you are actually living with him with no security and he gets the benefits.  What happens if an unfortunate fight or incident happens and he chooses to not sponsor you anymore, you will left without a home and sent back home. If he intends to marry you, you both need to come up with a solution to get you your marriage license and make some sacrifices in personal income.  Please also request prayer from the prayer forum to get support and guidance on what to do. I truly appreciate your honesty in your post about your past lifestyle. The Bible gives a lot of wise advice on what is considered sexual immorality and God approves marriage.

• 1 Corinthians 7:2, "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband."
• 2 Corinthians 2:14, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

Edited January 22, 2020 by lovethelord

[Amanda Frances]

Welcome to Worthy!  You are sinning and you need to repent and ask Jesus to forgive you and turn to God 100% and make him your number one priority. 

Jesus says you must be born again.   If you have not yet will  you accepted Jesus into your heart (not just your acknowledgement of him in general) and take his free gift of salvation?  He wants you to repent and agree you have sinned and that you don't want to do that anymore and you want to be forgiven.   Ask him to come into your heart and life and he will do it.  

Pray for this other person for their salvation and perhaps your walk with God would cause them to reflect about God but don't be unequally yoked with him.   Don't try to continue as before  he will  try to pull you into living in sin and will not understand.  This is hard as it is hard to disappoint and hurt someone ... But you need to care more about your relationship with the Lord over this other persons feelings and wishes.  Do not live with someone in sin.    Do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.  Follow the Lord and read his word it will be a lamp to your feet (and actions).  God is pulling on your heart to repent.  Please do that right away even right this minute. 

About where you should go next, pray for God to help you and open a door where he wants you while you try to find a place/job.  If you follow God you will be in His will for your life. 

Praying for you right now.  

 

[BeauJangles]

8 hours ago, _arandanos182 said:

I would appreciate some advices and opinions. Feel free to ask anything  too

Hi @_arandanos182, 

It took a lot of courage to submit your story here on an open forum. And my heart goes out to you also, because finding a life such is this has created quite a lot of turmoil in your soul. In a lot of ways I do understand the dilemma of your situation. But, I also believe you know what's the right thing to do in this case. Praying for you to make that decision. Welcome to Worthy and God bless you. 

Shalom

    and 

David/BeauJangles

Let your light so shine ~ Matthew 5:16 KJV

[Abrielle]

@_arandanos182 I am so sorry for your difficult situation, i will carry you in my heart and prayers. Most of the times, we do know what to do, we just don't want to accept it. I pray that you will be brave to choose the right path. (I also pray that you can find another solution, like another sponsor in Church, or maybe another year as an au pair, or even to be considered a refugee, etc.) It may seem easier now to become dependent on one man, but it is so dangerous for your soul, as a believer, to unite with a man who does't depend on God. It isn't just a matter of abiding a set of rules, "as a Christian i don't do this", it is the relief of doing what is right: "i choose this because i don't want to feel the separation between God and i", it is a consequence of our love for Him. God's rules aren't a whim; as our creator He knows how we function as a whole. Regardless of our understanding, we must trust, because it is always the safest option. May you keep always God in your mind and build a strong conection with Him, above all difficulties. “...my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

[_arandanos182]

4 hours ago, Abrielle said:

@_arandanos182 I am so sorry for your difficult situation, i will carry you in my heart and prayers. Most of the times, we do know what to do, we just don't want to accept it. I pray that you will be brave to choose the right path. (I also pray that you can find another solution, like another sponsor in Church, or maybe another year as an au pair, or even to be considered a refugee, etc.) It may seem easier now to become dependent on one man, but it is so dangerous for your soul, as a believer, to unite with a man who does't depend on God. It isn't just a matter of abiding a set of rules, "as a Christian i don't do this", it is the relief of doing what is right: "i choose this because i don't want to feel the separation between God and i", it is a consequence of our love for Him. God's rules aren't a whim; as our creator He knows how we function as a whole. Regardless of our understanding, we must trust, because it is always the safest option. May you keep always God in your mind and build a strong conection with Him, above all difficulties. “...my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. That's the thing, I cannot be an au pair again, it is only allowed to be an au pair for one year. Im also not allowed to extend my time as a volunteer. I'm not attending the same church anymore because I moved to another city. I'm attending a new one i found, but only from time to time because I even work during the weekends. I've been looking for every possible option and my boyfriend too (he is german and know how the system works) and there's nothing. We have talked about it and one option is that if I find a stable job with enough salary I can always move out, but in the transition to get there, we have to stay together. 

[Abrielle]

15 hours ago, _arandanos182 said:

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply. That's the thing, I cannot be an au pair again, it is only allowed to be an au pair for one year. Im also not allowed to extend my time as a volunteer. I'm not attending the same church anymore because I moved to another city. I'm attending a new one i found, but only from time to time because I even work during the weekends. I've been looking for every possible option and my boyfriend too (he is german and know how the system works) and there's nothing. We have talked about it and one option is that if I find a stable job with enough salary I can always move out, but in the transition to get there, we have to stay together. 

Your situation didn't appear out of thin air, this is a consequence of poor decisions and lack of planning since long ago. (An au pair can stay for another year, if her last family asks for her to stay and the au pair agrees. It is too late for you to go back, but i say this in case anyone finds this topic while searching for advice in a similar situation, when she is still inside the au pair program.) If you knew how delicate your situation was, you should have made an effort to belong to a community, to be known by the people of your church. You chose to be in a relationship with a non-believer, you allowed yourself to be distracted by that. A lot of people have been able to remain in Europe without going against their values, but they start to take care of it as soon as they step in here. It is importan to consider all this, so you can see how urgent it is to start to change the pattern and make good decisions. I don't understand why being in a relationship, having sex, is a must for him to sponsor you. When i was a student, i shared houses with males, we shared bills and helped each other, but our interaction was cordial, each one had their room and had their privacy. I also have a male friend who is my guarantor, who co-signs my house contract, and my friend is "only" a friend. One day he helps me, another day i help him, like siblings. If your boyfriend is a good man he will say "If you feel like we are doing something wrong, i will help you anyway, i will be your friend and once you are in a stable sitation we will see if we continue like friends or like something more." Don't give up so soon, look for advice in your church, talk to godly people in person, pray with them. Wherever you go, even if you only step that church once, you always find someone who cares, who will listen, who will pray with you. Visit the families where you lived, they know you, they trusted you their children once, maybe they can find a way to help you. Don't give up, inisist, knock on all doors, pray sincerily. Want the good plans God has for you. Don't waist time with shortcuts.

[Amanda Frances]

God can help you He is bigger than your circumstance.   It is hard to not be afraid but put your faith in Him, and pray for help to Him and don't be afraid but if you  do the right thing HE will bless you for your faith in Him. 

Don't mess up your life .. trust God now!    Pray for faith if you lack faith he will help you!

The LORD answered Moses, "Is the LORD's arm too short? Now you will see whether or not My word shall come to pass."

Heb:  Without faith it is impossible to please God.

 

Matthew 6:26-34 New King James Version (NKJV)

²⁶ Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ Which of you by worrying can add one ^[a]cubit to his ^[b]stature?

²⁸ “So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; ²⁹ and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not ^[c]arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

³¹ “Therefore do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Praying for you. 

FOCUS ON GOD TO HELP YOU.  THE WORLDS WAY WAY IS THE WRONG WAY.   TRUST HIM. 

JESUS SAYS I AM THE WAY THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE!

[enoob57]

Jesus said this unto us all

Luke 6:43-49

43 For a good tree bringeth not forth corrupt fruit; neither doth a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.

44 For every tree is known by his own fruit. For of thorns men do not gather figs, nor of a bramble bush gather they grapes.

45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?

47 Whosoever cometh to me, and heareth my sayings, and doeth them, I will shew you to whom he is like:

48 He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock.

49 But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great.
KJV
and due to this Paul has written this

Phil 2:12

12 Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.
KJV
It appears your motivation was for the appearance to others... but it should have been relationally unto God in loving response....