Struggling again

[F_Ivan]

I've been having a pretty good walk with God for some few months after being saved, looking back. I felt God close to me and I was getting blessed both inwardly (more kindness and patience, joy, more emotionally sensitive) and outwardly (so many good christian friends and people praying for me, also been invisible to girls most of my life and finally started getting attention from some really nice and godly girls of the faith) and I would really enjoy to worship God and some other large and cherished moments as well. Even though I was being blessed in so many ways I still really struggled with the fear of my salvation and self-condemnation/overthinking negative things constantly, something I wish I had cut off a lot sooner now.

I feel like I'm struggling with some form of unbelief now? I keep being afflicted with negative thoughts, like very negative fortune-telling like thoughts, and long and complex mental loops of overthinking condemning myself and alot of harmful self doubt "Do you really want/mean this?".

In my better moments I would sometimes (but rarely) get taunted by thoughts of unbelief and doubt. But I would very quickly disregard them and they didn't come back. Until recently, with the negative self doubt of "Do I have enough faith, do I have true faith? etc" I listened to a sermon from David Wilkerson about trust in God and it talked about how Saul in his fear mistrusted Samuel/God and acted prematurely in fear and his downwards spiral of mistrust started there to the point he lost the anointing of God. And that he had seen once Christians totally fall away from the faith. Well I really struggle with fear/anxiety/dread and worry so I kept condemning myself after watching that sermon everytime I worried condeming myself for having weak faith and not enough trust and fearing I would lose my faith. Well that self condemnation didnt do anything other than aggrevate my already current fear and negativity.

Now those same thoughts of doubt and unbelief afflict me, thoughts that try to get me to even doubt God's existence, I dont believe them, but Im afraid I might believe them. and with the worry of losing my faith it makes these thoughts bother me alot. I used to feel God alot more strongly but now I dont feel his presence as strongly, which aggrevates this problem of mine. I really struggle with negative thinking, always thinking to the most negative what ifs. Recently alot of people have been telling me to read God's word more so I may renew my mind. i've discouraged some of my friends with my negativity and i feel really bad about it because i feel like they had hope in me and have really tried helping me and im feel like im just harming them. Sometimes I "feel a feeling of unbelief" if that makese sense? Like a feeling of weak faith I guess. I think its just a feeling of spiritual numbness and sleepiness made worse by my negative overthinking and fears though. keep thinking about fearful what ifs, like "what if i dont make it" "what if god doesnt answer" "what if god wont help/deliver me" "what if im too far gone"
 

I wish I could just stop overthinking and worrying and trust in God fully and have all these gross mental loops and feelings go away. My good friends keep redirecting me to some helpful verse in the bible and they tell me to spend more time in the Word (something I dont do). I hate this overthinking, I keep overthinking everything in a negative or prideful way, trying to box everything in my own understanding automatically even though i dont want to. if I want to do good and care for somebody i then overthink and self doubt and spin into something self righteous or fake wise and it really sours my mood. This is actually something thats really bothering me because I feel like its suffocating the fruit of the spirit in my life. I try to remind myself thats not from God. that the overthinking and self doubt negativity is not from God. I think I should really read the word more, its hard sometimes because ill read it and I feel like its not doing much for me, and because i dont "feel" like it sometimes (that is a wrong reason I know and im trying to work through it) ill really try to commit fully to reading the word so much more. even if it feels ineffective but i pray and hope it will not be so for long.

 

I tend to get really angry and bitter at my mom recently.

a friend of mine tells me the reason im feeling down is because im not doing God's will (I'm idle mostly and dont work)

 

so many people have been giving me so much good advice, i find myself only partially applying it or forgetting. im not sure if i should even be posting here but there's a verse in Ephesians (or galatians?) that says to make the most out of every opportunity so I think, why not?

 

I feel selfish for posting so much about my own problems. I have been really inwardly focused

 

Edited February 11, 2020 by F_Ivan

[AnOrangeCat]

Advising is part of what we're here for. It's entirely possible that your inactivity could be factoring in there, but doubts, worries, mental loops, and so on are also part of the flesh. It's just sinful nature kicking in. Like the saying goes you can't stop a bird from landing on your head but you can stop it from building a nest there. We all get our doubts and we all get angry, there's often reason for it. But we can also choose to act against those things. Go out of your way to do something nice for your mother or maybe try to resolve whatever issue is leading to the bitterness. Take some time to look at the good things in your life and thank God for them. Do something for God.

[dhchristian]

3 hours ago, F_Ivan said:

I wish I could just stop overthinking and worrying and trust in God fully and have all these gross mental loops and feelings go away. My good friends keep redirecting me to some helpful verse in the bible and they tell me to spend more time in the Word (something I dont do). I hate this overthinking, I keep overthinking everything in a negative or prideful way, trying to box everything in my own understanding automatically even though i dont want to. if I want to do good and care for somebody i then overthink and self doubt and spin into something self righteous or fake wise and it really sours my mood. This is actually something thats really bothering me because I feel like its suffocating the fruit of the spirit in my life. I try to remind myself thats not from God. that the overthinking and self doubt negativity is not from God. I think I should really read the word more, its hard sometimes because ill read it and I feel like its not doing much for me, and because i dont "feel" like it sometimes (that is a wrong reason I know and im trying to work through it) ill really try to commit fully to reading the word so much more. even if it feels ineffective but i pray and hope it will not be so for long.

Wow Ivan, you have grown considerably in your faith, as most do not reach this point until later in their walk. When You reach this point of doubt it is your carnal mind which is at enmity against God. Read the following verses. 

For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. For to be carnally minded is death; but to be spiritually minded is life and peace. Because the carnal mind is enmity against God: for it is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be. So then they that are in the flesh cannot please God. (Romans 8:5-8)

Your mind is Carnal and still thinking in carnal terms Hence the doubt and unbelief. Faith itself is irrational, a belief in something that is not seen (Hebrews 11). This is the conflict, and your mind is the battlefield of this conflict. That is where the Devil can get a foothold in your life. 

The Solution is to go back to the cross, and remember the Grace of God, and then tell yourself "I am what I am by the Grace of God" As Paul spoke of. Your salvation never had anything to do with your worthiness, neither does your being kept saved have anything to do with your worthiness, But we are kept saved by the grace of God as well. The Only thing we have to do is Trust in His finished work and rest in that truth, by letting Him lead your life.

By What I have seen in your faith since you first came here the Holy Ghost is working in you greatly, and you are running the race speedily. Now you need to learn to rest from your works and trust his work in your life, and part of that is surrendering your doubt and the doubts the devil puts in your head to His finished work on the cross. "I am redeemed by the Blood of the Lamb" remind yourself of this when these doubts come into your mind... always remember the blood is cleansing you even as we speak. The Blood never loses power, Only your mind or the devil tries to tell you that it does. Trust the testimony of Jesus over your mind's doubts.

I will be praying for you, God bless. 

[Sharky and George]

This sounds silly but it works.

Its a matter of snapping out of the negative cycle.

Have the coldest shower you can. Then praise Jesus with some "Jason Gray - remind me who I am" on youtube. Or "Peter Furler -its all in your head" (not being insensitive but a lot is for me).

The body shock will actually make you warmer after.

The above should act like a power up in a computer game lol.

Bless you.

[F_Ivan]

Yeah I think it's the idleness causing all this. And yes I feel like I have grown alot (a spiritual growth spurt xD) somewhere in the first few months of being saved. But I don't feel that growth right now. Please pray for me. Im worried about letting demons in? Sometimes when I get bad thoughts i feel like i literally physically yield to it sometimes, or when worry or anxiety gets me I feel like I physically yield to feeling. I really hope im not letting demons in.

[Wesley L]

Have you prayed to God? (maybe a stupid question, but checking anyway)
Every doubt/question you have, there should be an anwer for it in the bible. Write it down and search for it. Trust His words.

Can demons live side by side with God? They can't. So, you won't be able to let any demons in if the Holy Spirit lives inside you.
1 Corinthians 6:19
19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

Next you might be doubting whether the Holy Spirit lives inside you or not? Whether you are born again or not?
I have had this doubt, but I kept on searching (bible) instead of worrying. In the beginning it is good to worry or to fear, because your life is at stake. But somewhere along the line you have to put your full trust in our Lord. Rest in Him. No christian is perfect, everyone has to deal with their own sins and doubts. But God is perfect, He will help you by the Holy Spirit who lives in you. (worry/anxiety is also a sign of lack of trust in Christ, I had that about my carreer/my business)

Don't forget, you are saved by faith, not your own works.
His word is as sharp as a double edged sword and His word is your armor.

Proverbs 9:10
10 The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

Jeremiah 29:13
13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

Acts 2:38 
38 Peter said to them, “Repent, and each of you be baptized in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Ephesians 6:10-17 
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 14 Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Hope this helps!

[F_Ivan]

 Trust in the finished work of the cross? So just trust in that God will deliver me through this and keep me. Through his holy spirit. Not because of my worthiness but because he is gracious.

On 2/11/2020 at 1:11 AM, DustyRoad said:

Hello @F_Ivan! I recall that obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is something you live with so this is a great time to remind you that issues related to OCD may visit from time to time. This is troubling to experience and can lead us down all sorts of avenues, most of which involve believing that the disorder is sin but my friend, it's not. Many people experience errant thoughts so what you and I go through isn't exactly out of the ordinary; there isn't a need to claim ownership of things we didn't foment.

Think about it, my friend... those thoughts strike you as terrible, right? It would take a peculiar train of thought to arrive at such ghastly notions which would require our devoted attention. We have to put effort into that, just like we devote effort thanking the Lord for saving us!

I've been learning how to stop owning those dark thoughts, brother. I think relinquishing whatever hold you establish upon them by reflex (it's there so therefore it's yours) is the first step, which is the first step I learned how to take. Practice makes perfect so I have a long way to go with that... but I'm encouraged to learn of how you've been doing my friend! I pray what that what I had to offer here helps! I'll continue praying for you F_Ivan.  

Thank you!

[F_Ivan]

On 2/11/2020 at 1:11 AM, DustyRoad said:

Hello @F_Ivan! I recall that obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is something you live with so this is a great time to remind you that issues related to OCD may visit from time to time. This is troubling to experience and can lead us down all sorts of avenues, most of which involve believing that the disorder is sin but my friend, it's not. Many people experience errant thoughts so what you and I go through isn't exactly out of the ordinary; there isn't a need to claim ownership of things we didn't foment.

Think about it, my friend... those thoughts strike you as terrible, right? It would take a peculiar train of thought to arrive at such ghastly notions which would require our devoted attention. We have to put effort into that, just like we devote effort thanking the Lord for saving us!

I've been learning how to stop owning those dark thoughts, brother. I think relinquishing whatever hold you establish upon them by reflex (it's there so therefore it's yours) is the first step, which is the first step I learned how to take. Practice makes perfect so I have a long way to go with that... but I'm encouraged to learn of how you've been doing my friend! I pray what that what I had to offer here helps! I'll continue praying for you F_Ivan.  

You are so right, I must recognize they're not my thoughts, these intrusive alien fear causing thoughts. Thank you! My therapist and others have been telling me the same thing!