I need help: terrified its too late for me

[azgal15]

Warning: this will be a long read

I’ve never not been in church. My mother was saved when I was 8 months old and I have been in church since then (I’m 26 now).

My church is not like most. Hell was preached about at almost every service when I was a kid. Women wore skirts below their knees, didn’t cut their hair, and wore no makeup or jewelry.

My Sunday school teachers taught that one was going to hell if they didn’t pray for salvation. I have always been terrified of hell so at 7 I prayed for salvation. My church believes that one who is saved should then pray for the Holy Ghost. I did that a little while later and thought I prayed in tongues.

At 9, I did something to a kid at school and felt guilty. I told my mom that night at service that I wanted to pray for salvation. I felt guilty and was convinced I was going to hell. Salvation was the answer, I thought. My mom warned me not to pray if I didn’t mean it but I was confused. So I prayed for salvation again and that was that.

At 13, I cursed for the first time. I was being bullied for my clothes, which my mother made me wear, and just wanted to fit in at school. I had no friends and wanted to fit in to make some. By 16, I was cursing fairly regularly outside of my house. By 17, I was addicted to porn and masturbation. I kept it a secret of course. When I lost my virginity at 17, the day after I felt so convinced I was going to hell it was unbearable. I went to service that night and prayed for forgiveness till I cried.

In college, I joined a Christian club but was not that regular of a member. I would go on to have sex 3 more times till I stopped that sort of contact with men for good in 2015. I would go to my club meetings for a time, stop, then go back. In those 4 years I still was cursing, and struggled with my addiction to porn and masturbation. It was odd at the club for me: everyone seemed to happy while I didn’t seem to fit in. My good friend found god and became a great campus minister while I watched her grow and couldn’t understand how she seemed to be better Christian than me. After college, I moved back home. I went to church with my mother again and thought I was doing good. Oh I still cursed from time to time, still struggled with porn and masturbation. But I was saved, I thought. I even got baptized in 2017 because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Last year, at 25, I moved to a different city for graduate school. I was cursing, and still addicted. I didn’t know where to go to church in my new city and ended up going nowhere. I drank occasional and went out clubbing a handful of times. Last October, I fell into depression and anxiety. I felt so lost. At the beginning of this year I thought I was doing better but my anxiety and depression got worse in February. In April, at the recommendation of my mother, I listened to an online service and felt moved to tears. I prayed for the first time in a long time.

Then at the end of June, I started seeing that people thought the rapture was going to happen soon. Suddenly, my whole world froze. I was going to hell. I had sinned to much in the last year I had to be going to hell with the path I was on. I fell on my face and cried out for repentance on July 4th. I felt better. But over the course of July something odd happened. I started realizing the enormity of all my sins. I had gotten a tattoo a year ago. I lied, held unforgivness in my heart, gossiped, watched porn, masturbated, cursed...I was horrified. Then I realized I never really prayed outside of church my whole life and had never read the Bible on my own free will. What kind of self professed Christian didn’t even read their bible? Didn’t pray?

I used to say a quick prayer for forgiveness when I would watch porn but one day it occurred to me that God might not keep forgiving for forever. I recalled something about 7x70 and stopped asking. But those were quick, fast prayers. When had I ever repented of ALL of my sins? Never, I realized. Then I saw a video on Hebrews 6:4-8 and romans 1:27-29. Am I an apsostate? Do I have a reprobate mind? Then I realized I had always feared hell but did I even love Jesus and God? I have always not to go to hell or be left behind in the rapture. I feared God and felt like I had to do things to not make him send me to the bad place. But did I always feel out of place because I didn’t understand the love everyone around me said they felt for God and Jesus?

I prayed for salvation at church two weeks ago and have periods where I feel peace. But I am still horrified and terrified that I have sinned too much to be forgiven. I heard about what were sins all my life. Is it too late for me to seek Jesus’ love? Have I truly sinned too much?

I talked to a friend who was raised in the same church who has fallen into sin for years.  I've come to realize she is of a true reprobate mind and is an apostate.  She says she doesn't fear hell but is going there and doesn't care.  She doens't believe in God anymore and says she hasn't felt sorry for her sins in years.  She feels that God has turned his back on her.  But even with that stark example in front of me, the Hebrews 10:26 starts up a whole new round of fears. 

I just don't know what to do at this point.

[SisterWells]

I have read your story and am praying for you. Navigating through this life can be very difficult and an all knowing God realizes this. This is true for you and your friend ♡ I pray that you are able to see Him for who He is and discern truth from lies as that can be difficult especially after being indoctrinated for a lifetime. God is good and it is of His mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is His faithfulness 

[enoob57]

I know of the denomination you are from they teach you can loose your salvation and that to be saved you have to have works that says so.... first- we start off sinners condemned unclean and no amount of works will change that. It is when you understand perfection is just that perfect! God's standard is perfect therefore no one can attain to that for we have all sinned... I know you believe in God however one must be born from above through repentance. A repentance is where we agree with God that there is nothing in and of ourselves that is perfect thus we have no resource to look to ourselves - we actually agree with God that we deserve eternal separation from Him and all that is His.... it is at this place we cry out to God through the mercy and work of The Son to save us from everything (ourselves and the world we are in)...  it is a solitary place where God enters the heart and makes you alive with His presence and newness of life begins! Your food now is God's Word and what is written within it truth and life in Him... it will become your life as you read it, meditate upon it's precepts, study to know what it says entering into depths unimaginable by the world... and then motivated 'in love toward God' trying to please Him with the new life given you from above...
 

John 14:21

21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.
KJV


you see the motivation of works is not to earn favor with God for salvation it is the love generated within by His presence.... I am available to you if you have any question and have prayed for you in this!

 

[Tzephanyahu]

Shalom @azgal15

Well, that is quite the story.  I can imagine the heaviness and confusion you must feel.  

I think the problem is that you were raised in the church and that was your norm, instead of your chosen path because of revelation.  

The challenges you faced and do face are not uncommon but plague many and can be very hard to loose yourself from.  But rather than focus on helpful practices and self-discipline, which is only dealing with the "fruit",  I want to rather address the "root" of the matter.

It seems you have a fear of being overwhelmed with sin and not accepted by Yahweh, our Father.  The fear you have surrounding the end of the world happening this year is something I faced a while ago and so I'm well aware of that sinking feeling of despair.

I believe such fear is given to us by Yahweh, in hopes of it shaking us from the path we are on.  Almost like a spiritual alarm, screaming "No, not this way".  So it's very likely the fear you feel is based on a genuine reason and it should indeed be listened to.

Back to me for a moment...

One night I had a great fear about the end of days.  The realness, swiftness and inevitability of it scared me greatly. Now, I had been a Christian for many years but had fallen away from the faith.  I still believed in Him but just lived my life mainly my way and according to my wishes.

From that night, I decided to get myself ready.  To do whatever necessary to feel safe once again.

I decided to read the Bible (or rather hear it on mp3) from start to finish, resetting everything in my mind back to zero.  I purposely purged my mind of preconceived ideas I took from the church and man-made teachings and took nothing for granted.  Basically accepting the Bible like a new book I had found whilst living on a desert island!  Along with this, I forced myself to pray every day at the beginning of everyday.  Only simply saying "My Father, Yahweh, I love you.  Please guide me, in the name of Jesus Christ".  It was short but daily.

Once I finished the Bible, I started it again.  Determined to digest it independently and investigate it thoroughly.   After all, this is the book from the Creator.

By doing this, I went on a long walk with Yahweh.  He was guiding me by the hand and was gently and slowly teaching me His ways and will.  I was naturally making changes in my life the more the Word got inside of me.  Just like how eating healthier food has a positive effect on your body, by digesting the Word it was having a naturally positive effect on my behaviour and mind.  I wasn't "trying hard" like I was before, but felt naturally convicted to change. 

After this I committed myself to be baptised in the Holy Spirit.  Something I was told had already happened, but I never really felt anything.  So I was determined to have it happen in a way I would know and, praise Yahweh, it eventually happened. 

Thereafter, the fear left completely.  The heaviness and concern that once plagued me had gone.  Now, I no longer fear the end of days but in some ways look forward to it.  

My summary for you is this:  Rather than running and hiding from the fear, confront it boldly.  Accept that you might be in trouble and make the first positive step in resolving it.  In doing so, you will be under more grace than if you hide from it.  Reset all you know about the Bible to zero and start again afresh.  You'll be surprised how your faith will be refined and your knowledge will improve!  Dedicate yourself to understand the Word with the same diligence you would apply to a beloved hobby or a Master's Degree.  Pray everyday (it doesn't need to be long, but it needs to be true) even if you don't feel like it!  Open that regular channel of communication.

Most importantly - believe in His goodwill towards you.  If He has given you this fear (which I believe He has) it's because He wants you to change bBecause He loves you.  He wants you to change your path as it currently probably leads to a dark conclusion.  But rather than feel bad and fall under the fear, accept the warning soberly and humbly and readjust your trajectory.  Rejoice you are getting warning signs as it's a good sign that He loves you.  But you must respond or the alarms will get "louder" over time - they won't go away.

However, once your trajectory is correct, and you have been baptised with the Spirit, you feel absolutely different.  No longer in fear, heavy, confused and unclean.  But at peace, with great joy and excited for each day and the future.  It's like going from black and white into colour and the relationship you will have with the Creator will feel more real and genuine than any other.

I hope something in there helps.  But if you have any questions, please do ask.

Love & Shalom

[Don19]

52 minutes ago, azgal15 said:

My Sunday school teachers taught that one was going to hell if they didn’t pray for salvation.

You were taught wrong. Salvation comes by believing, not by praying! And once you believe upon Christ, you can never lose your salvation.

You were also taught wrong about Hebrews 6 and 10. Those warnings are to Jewish Christians concerning the destruction of Jerusalem. Jewish Christians backsliding to Moses's religion would be subject to the curses Israel was set to experience; nonetheless, their eternal salvation was secure. The blessings and curses of the Old Testament pertained to this life, not eternal life, because eternal life does not and cannot come by obedience to the law.

https://letgodbetrue.com/sermons/index/year-2014/hebrews-threatening-verses/

 

[Justin Adams]

1 hour ago, azgal15 said:

I prayed for salvation at church two weeks ago and have periods where I feel peace. But I am still horrified and terrified that I have sinned too much to be forgiven. I heard about what were sins all my life. Is it too late for me to seek Jesus’ love? Have I truly sinned too much?

Have Believing Loyalty to the risen Christ that saved you to the uttermost. The rest is your mind and the adversary that hates to lose a soul to the Lord. If you could sin too much for the Lord to forgive, He would not be Lord. "go and sin no more" is what He said to the woman.

[Absolem]

No, you haven't sinned too much but you really ought to read the bible, and pray and repent. Seek God and He will open the door to you. 

God loves you and Jesus came to the earth to save people.

[lovethelord]

Azgal15, 

Thank you for sharing your story, I know God doesn't want you to live in fear and doubt regarding your salvation. We know our minds are not perfect and our emotions can change day-to-day depending on our circumstances and thoughts. You can change the dialogue in your mind by just trusting what God says and believing it.  God does not lie and if he says he can forgive our sins over and over again believe it. We should also allow His Spirit to work within us to help guide us in our choices and to prick our minds when we are doing something wrong so we can correct it before we do something we know is is not right. I think most people have a particular sin or another that they battle with, but with God living within us we have the power to overcome no matter how difficult.

• John 10:27-30, "My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they will never perish. No one can snatch them away from me, for my Father has given them to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch them from the Father’s hand."

[Henry_iain]

I have been there. It is a horrible place to be in. The enemy is a liar and he loves to remind us of the past in order to keep us form moving forward, trusting in God. But let me assure you that God saves us. We don't save ourselves. Did you know King David messed up badly many times? And yet long afterwords, God still calls him a man after His own heart. Do not trust in feelings or in what you do. Trust in the cross of Jesus Christ and his resurrection. I will pray that God will bring peace to your mind and surround you with solid believers who will remind you of the truth. I also want to say, like enoob, that if you need to talk I am available for that. 

[Absolem]

You guys are encouraging her in her "salvation" when its apparent she isn't saved. If so she wouldn't have years and years of habitual sin. That's the danger of once saved always saved. Using it as an excuse to not witness.