Marriage separation as a Christian

[~esther~]

For years now I've been going through ups and downs in my marriage (married 28 years), but the downs have been significant. I'm not in a physically abusive relationship, and all is great when it's good, but when it's bad, then it's really bad. My husband is a narcissist and compulsive liar, so things can be amazing at times, and things can be awful at times. I've been patient, loving, kind and always trying to keep the peace, but it's just suffocating. We love each other dearly, but it sometimes feels like I'm married to the devil himself (that's no exaggeration!). As long as things are good and running smoothly, then it's fine, but the littlest things can trigger him and then he turns into this monster. My health is suffering as a result of tremendous stress that I am under all the time. I'm constantly under pressure from him, and have to give account of all my actions, to the point where I'm not even allowed to visit our son at his home, without my husband knowing about it. He's always checking when I'm on my phone and want to know who I'm talking to, who I'm messaging, what I'm doing on my phone. He controls our finances and I earn a reasonably good salary, but he controls all the money. I'm very privileged to be working from home mostly, but when I need to be in the office, then he starts saying things like, I just want to go hang out with the men in the office, or if I talk to my boss too much, then he gets ideas in his head. He also blames our grown-up children for our marriage troubles and accuses me of keeping things from him if I don't tell him everything. He wants to know absolutely everything all the time, even when I leave a room to go get a drink in the kitchen, he would ask where I'm going, what I'm doing. He knows where I am all the time due to an app on our phones that shows location, and has a tracker on my car, which is for insurance purposes, but he uses it for controlling me. We gym together, but I must use the same equipment he uses, otherwise he gets angry and upset that I don't want to do things with him. If he goes to bed at night and I want to watch a bit more television, then he wants to know where I was (despite knowing I watched television) and gets upset if I don't go to bed the same time he does. He controls everything. I am suffocating and exhausted. He hates my beliefs (me being Christian), and gets upset if I go to church consecutive Sundays. I joined a women's bible study at church that takes place on Tuesday mornings, but he didn't like it and was upset and suspicious of me going, so I'm not doing it any longer. Don't get me wrong, I also have many things that I do wrong that contribute to our fractured relationship, but for once I've started standing up for myself, standing up to him and not allowing him to emotionally drain me like this. I've had enough and I am tired.

My question is, would it be wrong if I decide to separate from him? I'm not interested in moving on, or finding someone else. I just want to get out of this emotionally abusive mess that I am in. I know divorce is a sin, but what if I want to separate from him? I have no intentions with anyone else at all. I just want peace! I just want to be able to breathe for once in my life. I just want to know what it feels like to smile and be happy and not stressed. I'm so so incredibly exhausted.... There is so much more to all of this than what I was able to type. It's a huge mess. Anyone who knows narcissistic behaviors, will have an idea what this man is doing to me.

 

[ayin jade]

Hugs es. Praying for you. Will respond soon.

[R. Hartono]

A woman, whatever her religion is, has the rights to be treated kindly and respectfully by her spouse, and has absolute rights to defend herself from somebody who only cause agony.  28 years ??? OMG. Marriage should be a happy place not slavery and agony.

Its grief i read many homicides took place in marriage by narcissists !!! Be careful. 

Divorce is banned if you do it for Lust. 

You may even face hostility and threats if you wish to divorce him. 

Its possible that a woman can separate from her husband :

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1 Corinthians 7%3A10-11&version=NIV 

But Paul didnt allow her to get married again. 

OK Paul didnt agree with divorce but i guess he never experienced being a wife with narcissist husband who only had endless agony for 3 decades. 

Edited April 8, 2023 by R. Hartono

[R. Hartono]

A famous actress in this nation finally revealed her many years of agony in marriage, she could not stand it no more and reported her husband to the police and demanded divorce via her Attorney, she received threats though. It was her who financed her ungrateful and unGodly husband for many years. 

Its hard to understand how much agony women must suffer in so many years. People who ban divorce in this situation are as cold as ice.

 

[~esther~]

Thanks, I guess I pretty much already knew the answer. I just cannot see how I am not going to end up with a stroke or heart attack due to the stress I am under. Guess it's my path then..

[R. Hartono]

6 hours ago, ~esther~ said:

Thanks, I guess I pretty much already knew the answer. I just cannot see how I am not going to end up with a stroke or heart attack due to the stress I am under. Guess it's my path then..

Yeah, some died of heart attack after decades of painful marriage. 

I dare not say in cold blood that marriage should be preserved at all cost considering the agony and misery. Lord oh Lord forgive us

Law is Made for order and security. Otherwise Law fails. May i be forgiven if this is wrong.

Edited April 8, 2023 by R. Hartono

[Kat70s]

7 hours ago, ~esther~ said:

For years now I've been going through ups and downs in my marriage (married 28 years), but the downs have been significant. I'm not in a physically abusive relationship, and all is great when it's good, but when it's bad, then it's really bad. My husband is a narcissist and compulsive liar, so things can be amazing at times, and things can be awful at times. I've been patient, loving, kind and always trying to keep the peace, but it's just suffocating. We love each other dearly, but it sometimes feels like I'm married to the devil himself (that's no exaggeration!). As long as things are good and running smoothly, then it's fine, but the littlest things can trigger him and then he turns into this monster. My health is suffering as a result of tremendous stress that I am under all the time. I'm constantly under pressure from him, and have to give account of all my actions, to the point where I'm not even allowed to visit our son at his home, without my husband knowing about it. He's always checking when I'm on my phone and want to know who I'm talking to, who I'm messaging, what I'm doing on my phone. He controls our finances and I earn a reasonably good salary, but he controls all the money. I'm very privileged to be working from home mostly, but when I need to be in the office, then he starts saying things like, I just want to go hang out with the men in the office, or if I talk to my boss too much, then he gets ideas in his head. He also blames our grown-up children for our marriage troubles and accuses me of keeping things from him if I don't tell him everything. He wants to know absolutely everything all the time, even when I leave a room to go get a drink in the kitchen, he would ask where I'm going, what I'm doing. He knows where I am all the time due to an app on our phones that shows location, and has a tracker on my car, which is for insurance purposes, but he uses it for controlling me. We gym together, but I must use the same equipment he uses, otherwise he gets angry and upset that I don't want to do things with him. If he goes to bed at night and I want to watch a bit more television, then he wants to know where I was (despite knowing I watched television) and gets upset if I don't go to bed the same time he does. He controls everything. I am suffocating and exhausted. He hates my beliefs (me being Christian), and gets upset if I go to church consecutive Sundays. I joined a women's bible study at church that takes place on Tuesday mornings, but he didn't like it and was upset and suspicious of me going, so I'm not doing it any longer. Don't get me wrong, I also have many things that I do wrong that contribute to our fractured relationship, but for once I've started standing up for myself, standing up to him and not allowing him to emotionally drain me like this. I've had enough and I am tired.

My question is, would it be wrong if I decide to separate from him? I'm not interested in moving on, or finding someone else. I just want to get out of this emotionally abusive mess that I am in. I know divorce is a sin, but what if I want to separate from him? I have no intentions with anyone else at all. I just want peace! I just want to be able to breathe for once in my life. I just want to know what it feels like to smile and be happy and not stressed. I'm so so incredibly exhausted.... There is so much more to all of this than what I was able to type. It's a huge mess. Anyone who knows narcissistic behaviors, will have an idea what this man is doing to me.

 

You ARE in an abusive marriage. 

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/freedomprog-chapter2.pdf

I was in the exact situation (divorced 3 years ago and lived 2 months in a women's shelter). I was given this pdf and my jaw dropped...I had no idea I was being abused!

My ex is a narcissit and yes, it sucks the life and air right out of you! 

Men and women are equal in the body of Christ. We are to love and honor each other  (Ephesian 5:22-33). 

Do you have a pastor to talk about this situation with? 

I am from a fundamentalist background and divorce is the LAST option for us. It was explained to me that Matthew 19:6 (what god has joined together, let no man pull apart)...that man should not pull apart a marriage but that does not mean that GOD won't pull a marriage apart when it's necessary. 

I swore never to divorce and yet I did. God pulled my marriage apart at the seams and it was very hard for me. It was for the best though, and I am mentally/physically healthier than ever before. I think my ex is healthier in some ways as well.

https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/ this is a good link that explains the "honeymoon phase" of abuse, how things get better before they get worse...it was helpful for me

Your husband doesn't like you being a Christian. You are unequally yoked then.  (2 Corinthians 6: 14-18) 

Spouses should love and support each other, not control and abuse.

If you have ANY questions please message me!!!!! 

I just wanted to share my view on this. 

I am praying for you both!

Katrina 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kwikphilly]

Blessings Esther

I'm so sorry you've been living this way for so very long .I certainly understand that it takes 2 but give yourself a pat on the back and give Jesus a big Praise that you have been Strengthened in Christ to never compromise your Faith,not one bit.Youve continued to display Christ,walked your talk!

Now that you've had some refining,by Fire- I'd say it's high time to get out of the fire and Shine,brilliantly❤️

Sister,no doubt you've prayed n prayed n prayed over this- certainly God Has Said," It's alright my daughter,I AM with you always"

You know the answer Esther,I'm sure you've though back to when you and your husband first met and you probably weren't " listening"-; Listen now,to His Still Small Voice"..... You are loved Esther,we are all here for your support ,praying,in Christ 🙏❤️

With love in Christ, Kwik

[ladypeartree]

Do not walk away from this relationship .. RUN     make sure you have a good lawyer and that people know what is going on . I too was in a very controlled abusive marriage and believe me when I tell you what you are going through is WORSE than physical abuse  but abuse it is in no uncertain terms . There is no sin in protecting yourself the " sin " was said to be RE MARRIAGE NOT getting yourself into a safe place PLEASE dont wait till it turns to physical abuse ( I did and barely got out with my life and the lives of my children ) There is help out there for you and support ASK for it and seek a safe place to be when you ( or someone else ) tells him you are leaving .

[The_Patriot21]

Sounds like abuse to me...I'd leave him. I wouldn't tell him....and plan it out. I'd start by getting a new phone without his knowledge....use it to create a new bank account he has no access to, then when you leave transfer your money into it and leave your old phone. Wouldn't hurt to find a different car or disable his way of tracking you.

Then one day just leave. Trust me...if you give him warning, you won't be able to separate.