Marriage feels borderline bw disappointing and destructive…

[TxMama2]

Going to try to make this brief. I am a Christian. My husband is *not*. He believes in God but that’s as far as that goes. We met when I was very backslidden and out of church. Relationship from beginning was very volatile and there were many red flags I chose to ignore bc I wanted him to want me…mainly over a toxic ex of his and I wanted to show him that I could be the “perfect” wife/homemaker. Married after 7 years of “dating”. Didn’t really date. Just moved in together literally one wk in to knowing each other. I grew up in an independent fundamental Baptist church and was VERY naive to a lot. We married and now have 2 little kids.  Now that I have kids and am back in a relationship with God, I have come to regret ever marrying him. I love him, but from the beginning, it wasn’t right. That being said, I can be disappointed about many things in our relationship…no sex unless he’s drunk and even then, 90% of the time it’s not actual sex. There is no affection from him. We live like roommates…but literally in separate beds bc he drinks every night and stays up much later than me, so he passes out on couch and ends up in another room/empty bed. I wish he was a godly man that leads our family spiritually. I could go on about the disappointing things. However, there is very destructive behavior as well. The destructive behaviors don’t happen every day or even every week. It’s always when he gets mad. He immediately starts cutting me down with very hurtful names…degrading cuss words for females and always adds “fat” in there. Having 2 little girls who hear him say that to me is what really gets to me. He is very rude to my mom and family whenever they come over. He literally hates my family and also uses their failures to throw them in my face when we’re fighting. I make more money now but he used to constantly degrade my job and income bc he made more than me. I don’t make more than him still but it’s a decent income and he doesn’t throw that in my face anymore. He never ever apologizes or admits when he’s wrong. I walk away when he starts with the name calling in fighting bc I don’t want to engage. I try to come back later to talk about it and he says he’s over it and there’s nothing to discuss, so nothing ever gets resolved. I ask for date nights and he says no it’s a waste of money and he sees me all the time anyway so there’s nothing to talk about. Wont go to counseling. I’m going by myself. Porn. He got drunk the other night after I had specifically asked him not to bc we have a sick child and my other child always comes in my room middle of the night. I didn’t want her to be in the same room as my sick kid, so I’d need him to go lay down with her. He was so drunk I couldn’t get him to wake up and when I told him that he chose alcohol over his child, his response was “F$&@ you fatty”. He is not necessarily a mean person to strangers, but definitely not a kind, compassionate one. He tells me all the time that unless people can do something for him, there’s no need for them in his life and honestly makes me wonder if that’s why he’s with me. He doesn’t have any real friends….etc. 
 

Bottom line is I’ve been reading about disappointing vs destructive marriages by Lisa Vernick. I just missed the deadline to join her private fb group that discusses this so was hoping to get outside opinions. I’ve always been fervently against divorce and honestly, it’s still very hard to know with kids. He says he’ll never call them names like he does me, but I know it will happen and he’s doing it to me in front of them. I know this isn’t physical abuse and I think to myself that even if I left, he’d still have our girls at times and would have the opportunity to treat them the same way. I’ve prayed for him so much begging God to save him. I have dreams of us being a family on fire for God, but I fear that I’m using that as an excuse to cover up his behavior. The cycle is weeks to even months of just “normal” life. Raising kids together and he is great with the kids, very hands on and helpful. That’s it though. There’s no affection or desire to even spend time with me or make me happy (I don’t think I’m asking for a lot). Then it hits bad times where even just a small fight immediately turns ugly, fast. I shut down and when I try to come back and talk to him, he doesn’t want to. I “get over it”. We move on until it happens again. Just worn down from it all. Sick of the cycles of behavior. There are no consequences for his actions, so of course, he’s going to keep on doing them. 
 

Thanks for reading all of that. 😵‍💫

[ladypeartree]

Mental abuse is worse than physical abuse ... broken bones and bruises heal mental torture doesnt . It is too easy for someone outside your life to say divorce / dont divorce him as no one but you knows what this is doing to you or to your children ... they will grow up thinking this is normal as you accept it  so they should do so too . . You say there are no consequences  so what consequences would you like to see ?  How do you think that would help him ? 

You say you think he is just with you because he has no friends but you also admit you were with him for all the wrong reasons He is what you chose and he is never going to change unless HE wants to do so ..pray for him constantly  but he has to want it too . Talking to him right after a fight is not going to work as he would have to admit faults that he doesnt want to see ... do you have a good relationship with his family and could they talk to him ?  It is not supposed to be a competition over who earns the most money but that also tells me that you have low esteem issues of your own . Perhaps work at making yourself feel better about YOU  then you may be able to look at the situation with clearer eyes and find what you want to do for both yourself and your children as well as seeing what his problems really are ..he sounds just as unhappy as you do 

Praying for you all 

[Jillheil]

Praying for you. 

[FJK]

You can't change other people, but you can change yourself and other people will change accordingly in response to it.

Knowing what to change and how to change it can be difficult, sincere prayer makes it easier.

[TxMama2]

5 hours ago, ladypeartree said:

Mental abuse is worse than physical abuse ... broken bones and bruises heal mental torture doesnt . It is too easy for someone outside your life to say divorce / dont divorce him as no one but you knows what this is doing to you or to your children ... they will grow up thinking this is normal as you accept it  so they should do so too . . You say there are no consequences  so what consequences would you like to see ?  How do you think that would help him ? 

You say you think he is just with you because he has no friends but you also admit you were with him for all the wrong reasons He is what you chose and he is never going to change unless HE wants to do so ..pray for him constantly  but he has to want it too . Talking to him right after a fight is not going to work as he would have to admit faults that he doesnt want to see ... do you have a good relationship with his family and could they talk to him ?  It is not supposed to be a competition over who earns the most money but that also tells me that you have low esteem issues of your own . Perhaps work at making yourself feel better about YOU  then you may be able to look at the situation with clearer eyes and find what you want to do for both yourself and your children as well as seeing what his problems really are ..he sounds just as unhappy as you do 

Praying for you all 

I'm not sure what consequences there are.  Lisa Vernick had suggested an in-home separation, but we already live like that.  We sleep in separate rooms.  There is no intimacy. I don't know what would help him.  He hasn't drank the past 2 nights after the whole incident of him not being able to function to help me, but i've seen this before.  He'll stop just for long enough to "pacify me", then goes right back to it. 

I don't think he's with me bc he has no friends.  I think he's with me for what I can do for him. I make him $$. I support his future goals.  All he wants to do is retire.  He's barely over 40, but he wants to quit now so all of our money goes to investments, which I have no problem with.  I'd like a care-free life too, but he'll make comments about how its unfair that I will probably be able to quit working before him. He would have no issue with me being the breadwinner. 

I do agree I was with him for the wrong reasons. However, I do really love him and I work at making our relationship better. Everything he does makes me feel like he settled for me...again because of what I bring to the relationship.  I also struggle with knowing whether the fact that I was with him for the wrong reasons and that I knew what he was like before I married him, warrants me being required to live like this the rest of my life and now I have daughters who are watching which also changes things. 

I have an ok relationship with his family...better than him.  Thats another thing that has come up.  His family didn't show to our daughters 1st bday bc of Covid.  It hurt me and I cried about it, but I hate conflict and always wanted to move on.  That was in 2020.  He hasn't talked to his family since. He actually blames me for the fallout bc he said the only reason he cut them off is bc it made me cry.  I told him I can be hurt about something or by someone and still want a relationship with them.  So, thats another thing.  I am afraid to have emotions in front of him or come to him about things bc if its about someone who hurt me, his immediate reaction is telling me to cut them off.  His parents have repeatedly tried reaching out to fix things.  I have taken the girls to see their grandparents 3 times since then and he blew up.  He refuses to let them be part of their lives now and it breaks my heart.  His mom doesnt have a whole lot of time left and he acts like he doesn't care.  I asked him if he'd even cry when she passed and he said probably not...then continued on to say he probably wouldnt cry if I died either (but he wasn't trying to be a jerk about it.  He was being honest).  The only people he'd cry about are his kids bc "they are part of him". I went on a rabbit trail there but just laying out more of the situation. So, to answer your question, no his family can't help.  

[TxMama2]

23 minutes ago, FJK said:

You can't change other people, but you can change yourself and other people will change accordingly in response to it.

Knowing what to change and how to change it can be difficult, sincere prayer makes it easier.

I have changed since I first met him since I'm now back with God.  I see what you're trying to say but I respectfully disagree.  This is a heart issue for him.  I used to retaliate in anger and yell back when we were fighting.  Now I respond with patience and kindness and know when to not engage.  I can be a godly woman day in and day out but if he is going to make real lasting changes, it has to be a heart change.  He will remedy the situation (never apologies) but for example, will stop drinking for a few days, just until he thinks I'm "over it".  Then he goes right back to it. I'm trying to take what you said with a grain of salt, but it ultimately sounds like you're saying "he'll change if you change" and that just isn't true or making him accountable for his actions. 

[FJK]

1 hour ago, TxMama2 said:

He will remedy the situation (never apologies) but for example, will stop drinking for a few days, just until he thinks I'm "over it".

You've mentioned your husband's drinking several times, have you considered you may be dealing with alcoholism?

You might consider contacting an organization called Al-Anon Family Groups for advice about dealing with it in a marital and family situation.

[TxMama2]

4 minutes ago, FJK said:

You've mentioned your husband's drinking several times, have you considered you may be dealing with alcoholism?

You might consider contacting an organization called Al-Anon Family Groups for advice about dealing with it in a marital and family situation.

I have considered this.  I'm not very familiar with what is/is not considered alcoholism.  He can quit if he wanted to.  He says he drinks out of boredom. 

[FJK]

11 minutes ago, TxMama2 said:

He can quit if he wanted to.  He says he drinks out of boredom. 

In this case, I'd definitely recommend at least talking to Al-Anon.

[AnOrangeCat]

On 5/5/2023 at 8:50 AM, TxMama2 said:

I don't think he's with me bc he has no friends.  I think he's with me for what I can do for him. I make him $$. I support his future goals.  All he wants to do is retire.  He's barely over 40, but he wants to quit now so all of our money goes to investments, which I have no problem with. 

I've done investments before and got back into it. I'm actually hoping to make a career out of it. The particular type I'm involved in is pretty volatile and fast paced, and as a result maybe more grueling than slower markets, but I think a lot of things stay the same across all investments these days, especially this: Investments are only one news story away from going up in smoke. Gains that took years to reach can turn into a loss in moments. From the way you've described him I don't think your husband has the mental and emotional fortitude to take that gracefully, so be wary about that if it hasn't been an issue already. Out of curiosity do you handle picking out and monitoring the investments or does he?

You've got my sympathy anyway. I've been in some long term abusive situations before myself and found the verbal/emotional aspects the worst. Even if he's not abusing the kids directly, IMO in this sort of long term situation he's abusing them. Just witnessing abuse can have an impact on a child's wellbeing, and when drugs or alcohol enter the picture an element of unpredictability comes into play. His behavior is compromised so he can't make any promises as to what he will or won't do. I'd look into trying to find somewhere else to stay and getting custody of the kids, personally. The status quo is probably just enabling him to continue an undesirable and abusive lifestyle and isn't doing your kids any favors. Even if it takes a while it's something to investigate and plan for.