What to do...?/Vent/ ..

[Gracejj]

How to overcome these feeling.  Its literally causing me headache and just my mind gets foggy and just anxious and deep sadness. 
Its all the little things stacking up and becoming a mountain that i have to pick and choose , what is worth addressing and if i address i should be very prepared for harsh words and responses.
Any Dads here who has raised daughter?
My husband refused to change her diaper saying "I don't feel comfortable doing that, thats very sensitive area"
I said ok, i showed him how to do it and even i remember nurse showed him how to do it in past and even told him I know how he feels bcos I also didn't know before it was very tricky but  I learned to do by figuring out myself...Then He still said No, He doesn't wanna do it. I asked him why not? He said, he doesn't feel comfortable,  its different with boys and its different with girls,  its uncomfortable,  i told him all father change their daughter's diapers, its nothing to feel bad about, he said i can change the pee diaper but potty change is not what I can do. And when i said its okay u can do it. He just sternly said He won't do it.  And I am left with no choice than just do it by myself, bcos he made it clear he is never gonna change her potty diaper unless i am not present, if i am present its always have to be me. As Christian wife,  i have no choice to but to obey him. In the past with my first born child, I had to go through C-Section surgery and it didn't go well. I had no family but just friends took pity on me seeing my situation and sent food for me. During that time, I wasn't suppose to hold baby or do anything heavy during that time  He refused to hold the baby bcos he said he had back pain. With stitches in my abdomen it was so painful for me do all those things by myself, newbonr baby was too heavy for him and it continued.  it felt that i was abandoned after going through the surgery and it scarred me badly, We talked bout it many years after and he asked for forgiveness and i forgave him.  now fast forward when I was with baby girl he told me he would love her  daughter and never leave her down he would just be with her and fast forward now, He Express how much he loves her by words always, but there are sometimes when I see things like.. Him not wanting to carry her, him not wanting to clean her after potty, not talking to her when she is with him instead just looking at his phone,  and responding once in a while only. I dunno? May be I am assuming too much? May be I am the problem here? If i am please tell me its me bcos right now i am feeling resentful so probably not able to assess the situation correctly? If not then please tell me how do i sustain myself my whole life dealing with same kind of things again & again, sometimes I feel like i am alone and there's no one to defend me against all these unfair amd wrong things that i go through. He told me to find the door lock to make it childproof and i agreed and i also said okay to install it but i figured that its not easy and when i asked him to install the it he refused saying he doesn't know how to do it. I told him i also dont know we both can do it together wnd figure out but he just refused it do it first, but when i told him that he showed me so much urgency and bcos of that i spent good time to look for that lock and found it then he just even refused to do it together,  he said he doesn't wanna do with me, he won't let me take the credit of it, he will do it all by himself. That puzzled me bcos he mentioned taking credits bcos I haven't thought of that tast as someone taking credit..i thought of that task as difficult and woukd probably be easy for me to figure out together if he cant do it alone we can do it togther. Sorry its partly me venting and also just despair on my part. I feel hopeless that i will end up being the crazy one🥴 dealing with these often. I dunno what to do but just pray and after that go back to my real life. Please any suggestion is welcome.
Thank you.

[RdJ]

I always liked changing diapers. One of the first words my son could say was goor. That's Dutch for disgusting. While changing his diaper I often sang that my specialism was cleaning poop and then he would happily say: Goor!!

My ex did it when I had to work 2 days a week lol but it was not his thing. He's too clean for that. It would so often go to his neck that filth and he then cut the thing he was wearing and put him under the shower to get him clean LOL.

I would way rather not have worked and done it myself.

Your husband sounds lovely. So considerate. He doesn't even fix a lock? 

You have to put boundaries. If he doesnt change diapers then not. I wouldn't ask anymore. But if he tells you to fix a lock just don't even try. If he says you have to do it give him a stern no too or just ignore it. He lets you do all the woman jobs. Then he may do all the man jobs. Don't let him walk over you. Cesar Castellanos said that God told him he shouldnt be so controlling and his wife didn't obey when he said: Iron my suit! He complained to God that she had become rebellious and then He said that.

4 hours ago, Grace j said:

but there are sometimes when I see things like.. Him not wanting to carry her, him not wanting to clean her after potty, not talking to her when she is with him instead just looking at his phone,  and responding once in a while only. I dunno? May be I am assuming too much?

It depends on how much he is on his phone.

If you constantly nag him then I can't blame him. We had a woman in church who would constantly call my ex who was then a pastor. Pastor!!! Hubby doesnt put the garbage bags outside! Pastor!! Continually. They hardly had food but she refused to work and he worked 60 hours a week but she still expected him to after work shower their daughter, grocery shop after work and they were not babies. They were 3 and 8. And when we came over she complained that he did nothing in the house. Yes hello. He has a job. Do something too.

My ex would watch tv kids programs with our son when I was at work. Who cares. You don't have to give everyone attention the whole day. He got so much attention from me, he once cried cause he wanted to be left alone in his box.

I remarried. That guy at first didnt work and didnt clean, did nothing with the kids and sat behind his computer most of the day playing video games. When the kids were with their dad he sat in one side of the room with headphones on cause I complained about the growling beasts from World of Warcraft and I sat in the other corner with headphones on cause he complained about Hal Lindsey and I was on rapture ready looking when Jesus would come back to save me from this misery. Fun times!

So I hope it's not that bad. If it is he's addicted.

Edited June 18, 2024 by RdJ

[Gracejj]

5 hours ago, RdJ said:

I always liked changing diapers. One of the first words my son could say was goor. That's Dutch for disgusting. While changing his diaper I often sang that my specialism was cleaning poop and then he would happily say: Goor!!

My ex did it when I had to work 2 days a week lol but it was not his thing. He's too clean for that. It would so often go to his neck that filth and he then cut the thing he was wearing and put him under the shower to get him clean LOL.

I would way rather not have worked and done it myself.

Your husband sounds lovely. So considerate. He doesn't even fix a lock? 

You have to put boundaries. If he doesnt change diapers then not. I wouldn't ask anymore. But if he tells you to fix a lock just don't even try. If he says you have to do it give him a stern no too or just ignore it. He lets you do all the woman jobs. Then he may do all the man jobs. Don't let him walk over you. Cesar Castellanos said that God told him he shouldnt be so controlling and his wife didn't obey when he said: Iron my suit! He complained to God that she had become rebellious and then He said that.

It depends on how much he is on his phone.

If you constantly nag him then I can't blame him. We had a woman in church who would constantly call my ex who was then a pastor. Pastor!!! Hubby doesnt put the garbage bags outside! Pastor!! Continually. They hardly had food but she refused to work and he worked 60 hours a week but she still expected him to after work shower their daughter, grocery shop after work and they were not babies. They were 3 and 8. And when we came over she complained that he did nothing in the house. Yes hello. He has a job. Do something too.

My ex would watch tv kids programs with our son when I was at work. Who cares. You don't have to give everyone attention the whole day. He got so much attention from me, he once cried cause he wanted to be left alone in his box.

I remarried. That guy at first didnt work and didnt clean, did nothing with the kids and sat behind his computer most of the day playing video games. When the kids were with their dad he sat in one side of the room with headphones on cause I complained about the growling beasts from World of Warcraft and I sat in the other corner with headphones on cause he complained about Hal Lindsey and I was on rapture ready looking when Jesus would come back to save me from this misery. Fun times!

So I hope it's not that bad. If it is he's addicted.

Haha that was interesting to read. I would definitely not mind if he is watching something together with kids but baby is 10 months old and she calls on him to pick her up or talk to her, but on the phone he stays either watching yt videos or news or movies, he responds only few times to her though. May be it's a man thing and i should be content with that? Idk 😄

[Gracejj]

6 hours ago, RdJ said:

I always liked changing diapers. One of the first words my son could say was goor. That's Dutch for disgusting. While changing his diaper I often sang that my specialism was cleaning poop and then he would happily say: Goor!!

My ex did it when I had to work 2 days a week lol but it was not his thing. He's too clean for that. It would so often go to his neck that filth and he then cut the thing he was wearing and put him under the shower to get him clean LOL.

I would way rather not have worked and done it myself.

Your husband sounds lovely. So considerate. He doesn't even fix a lock? 

You have to put boundaries. If he doesnt change diapers then not. I wouldn't ask anymore. But if he tells you to fix a lock just don't even try. If he says you have to do it give him a stern no too or just ignore it. He lets you do all the woman jobs. Then he may do all the man jobs. Don't let him walk over you. Cesar Castellanos said that God told him he shouldnt be so controlling and his wife didn't obey when he said: Iron my suit! He complained to God that she had become rebellious and then He said that.

It depends on how much he is on his phone.

If you constantly nag him then I can't blame him. We had a woman in church who would constantly call my ex who was then a pastor. Pastor!!! Hubby doesnt put the garbage bags outside! Pastor!! Continually. They hardly had food but she refused to work and he worked 60 hours a week but she still expected him to after work shower their daughter, grocery shop after work and they were not babies. They were 3 and 8. And when we came over she complained that he did nothing in the house. Yes hello. He has a job. Do something too.

My ex would watch tv kids programs with our son when I was at work. Who cares. You don't have to give everyone attention the whole day. He got so much attention from me, he once cried cause he wanted to be left alone in his box.

I remarried. That guy at first didnt work and didnt clean, did nothing with the kids and sat behind his computer most of the day playing video games. When the kids were with their dad he sat in one side of the room with headphones on cause I complained about the growling beasts from World of Warcraft and I sat in the other corner with headphones on cause he complained about Hal Lindsey and I was on rapture ready looking when Jesus would come back to save me from this misery. Fun times!

So I hope it's not that bad. If it is he's addicted.

Also, with the lock thing, its urgent work that needs to be done so If i will wait it on him to come to the mood to put the childproof lock it just can take some time. He just doesn't know how to do it he says, neither do i but i will have to read instructions and install it by myself I guess.🤷🏼‍♀️ He said at the end that he would put the lock but he will "take all the credit for it", idk where that comes from? It isint a competition of who puts the lock. What is mean by he will take all credit for it? Whats the thought process behind it? I wonder that. 

[RdJ]

34 minutes ago, Grace j said:

Haha that was interesting to read. I would definitely not mind if he is watching something together with kids but baby is 10 months old and she calls on him to pick her up or talk to her, but on the phone he stays either watching yt videos or news or movies, he responds only few times to her though. May be it's a man thing and i should be content with that? Idk 😄

With my first ex in the end when it was almost over it was so bad. He totally ignored our son. He would call daddy daddy and he ignored him and would go sit upstairs. Looking back it was because he was mad at me. Poor kid. And the judge of course gave the kids to him. He didnt even know how to give the little one a bath but his friendly sister did that luckily. After 7 months I said sorry for running off with the first guy I met after he dumped me and he said sorry and we started to coparent. He did step up when he had to. I'll give him that. Oh lol and then when he gave them to me (2 toddlers and a baby) he said sorry and thank you. He was exhausted. First it was: What are you whining? My mom had 6 kids and her house was perfectly clean and she did everything alone and never complained. Yeah but she didnt give you a cent attention either. He saw that it was not that easy.

Anyway I had a phonecall with him a year later or so and I had felt rejected by him so I went to the kids, but he said that he had felt rejected by me. That might be why your husband is like that to his daughter? I don't know, but I thought I'd share. It's a possibility.

Edited June 18, 2024 by RdJ

[RdJ]

25 minutes ago, Grace j said:

Also, with the lock thing, its urgent work that needs to be done so If i will wait it on him to come to the mood to put the childproof lock it just can take some time. He just doesn't know how to do it he says, neither do i but i will have to read instructions and install it by myself I guess.🤷🏼‍♀️ He said at the end that he would put the lock but he will "take all the credit for it", idk where that comes from? It isint a competition of who puts the lock. What is mean by he will take all credit for it? Whats the thought process behind it? I wonder that. 

Sounds a bit like he has the idea that it's never good enough so he stops trying? You take the credit for doing everything in the house and with the kids because he refuses. It's just shifting the blame. You just need these things. 

I have no idea how you can fix that. Praise him in the rare occasion that he is nice to them or because he works so hard? Bleh. Hopefully some woman who is happily married has an idea but those don't tend to be on forums.

Edited June 18, 2024 by RdJ

[RdJ]

We once went to a church in America for a marriage weekend where they spoke about basic needs. Lol then I got a watch cause that guy taught him that a basic need was to get jewels. So not Dutch. But it was a really nice watch!

It's a pity you don't get help. My sister's marriage is great. Her husband worked 40 hours a week. She worked part time. My brother lived there and took the kids out all the time so they had time together and weekends and weeks, cause then our parents took them. Lately my dad died and she gave a talk in which she said he had been so awesome with the grandkids and my brother was such a great help and her husband was so fantastic for always working full time. And then I see guys on reddit who work 60 hours a week and are called lazy for not doing their share. 

Maybe this helps?

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-most-important-emotional-needs.htm

Edited June 18, 2024 by RdJ

[Gracejj]

16 hours ago, RdJ said:

We once went to a church in America for a marriage weekend where they spoke about basic needs. Lol then I got a watch cause that guy taught him that a basic need was to get jewels. So not Dutch. But it was a really nice watch!

It's a pity you don't get help. My sister's marriage is great. Her husband worked 40 hours a week. She worked part time. My brother lived there and took the kids out all the time so they had time together and weekends and weeks, cause then our parents took them. Lately my dad died and she gave a talk in which she said he had been so awesome with the grandkids and my brother was such a great help and her husband was so fantastic for always working full time. And then I see guys on reddit who work 60 hours a week and are called lazy for not doing their share. 

Maybe this helps?

https://www.marriagebuilders.com/the-most-important-emotional-needs.htm

Thank you so much for replies. Its always helos to talk things out like this to get better understanding of things wvwn feom others perspective as i know that sometimes i could be deeply hurt and just can't see anything beyong what am feeling so its good to vent here and get some advice. Thanks i am gonna try everything you mentioned above. :)

[Who me]

One of the highlights of my early married life was coming home from work in time to Bath and put to bed my son and daughter. 

Bathing them was always fun, then having dried and pyjamas them to read bed time stories, a bible story and pray with them. 

Does he realise how short these childhood years are. Does he not realise that he is loosing building a relationship  that will last an eternity.

If he isn't  prepared to invest  in his children now, he will find that they will not be prepared to spend time with him later  to bring to see him his grandchildren.

A current  joy is my grown up son visiting us sharing his life with my wife, daughter and I.

 

 

[Gracejj]

On 6/19/2024 at 4:28 AM, Who me said:

One of the highlights of my early married life was coming home from work in time to Bath and put to bed my son and daughter. 

Bathing them was always fun, then having dried and pyjamas them to read bed time stories, a bible story and pray with them. 

Does he realise how short these childhood years are. Does he not realise that he is loosing building a relationship  that will last an eternity.

If he isn't  prepared to invest  in his children now, he will find that they will not be prepared to spend time with him later  to bring to see him his grandchildren.

A current  joy is my grown up son visiting us sharing his life with my wife, daughter and I.

 

 

Thank you for sharing your beautiful experiences. 

Well i would say that he does sometimes put them to bed with prayers and lots of talks but usually he would be feel very tired, and would like to just put them to bed as soon as possible and he would just go to bed too. Just today i asked him to attend our toddler who was done in potty and he told me "no, you do it!" I told him i have to attend the infant and do her bed time routines. He said he would rather take care of infant. I told him are u sure? Your gonna feed her, bath her, change her, and get her a bottle and put her to bed and do other bedtime routine.  He changed his mind quickly.😂 

But still he complained that I give him all the dirty works only. I told him thats not true, who do you think attend infajt wnd toddler in potty when your at work whole day?🤷🏼‍♀️😆