Struggling with anger

[Diaste]

15 hours ago, Cyoder said:

I never thought about how it started.  When I was very young, I don't remember being angry.  My mom divorced my father when I was 5.  I stayed with him and lived with my Grandparents.  At the time, my father was suffering from severe mental illness.  I was only 5 but I vividly remember my mother asking me if I wanted to go with her.  I loved my Grandparents, but I remember understanding that if I left, my father would have nobody, and he was so bad I thought he might kill himself.  My mother slowly stopped talking to me.  I think it was mostly out of fear of my father the first few years and struggling to survive with her low paying job.  I didn't understand that at the time and that made me angry.  My dad spewed nothing but hate about her which didn't help.  I remember in second grade telling kids on Mother's Day that my mom died, and I made something for my grandmother instead.  How awful is that?  My dad was so terrifying to me that I was a pretty meek child.  I compared him to having a monster under your bed.  When he got angry, he got a look in his eyes that reminded me of Charles Manson.  I would get spanked, sometimes with a belt but only if I was being punished for something.  I wouldn't say I was abused physically, just verbally and I guess psychologically.  I always gave him a pass because I knew something was wrong with him.  Back then, you didn't go to a therapist or take psych meds.

 Anger turned into almost a super power to me.  If I got angry enough, I wouldn't care.  I could say anything to anyone, I had no fear.  I had a lot of hopes and dreams and then I ended up married with a son at 19 yrs old.  I quit using drugs.  All I did was work, and drink and not appreciate God's greatest gift, a child.  I had a second son two years later and my kids became more of a burden to me than a blessing.  My kids and ex wife never wanted for anything.  I was an excellent provider, but not much of a father. I never realized this at the time.  I don't know if this was the part of my life that didn't go as planned that started that anger.  If it is, it's stupid, I made every one of those choices myself.  I never thought that way at the time.  Never poor me, just worked.  Always looking for more money, promotions.  To be somebody important.  What a bunch of nonsense.  I would literally give my right eye to go back and do things over. 

I see. 

So when I finally was able to look back, with some knowledge I acquired much later, through psychological and intelligence testing, I could see why things affected me, and it made so much sense. 

My results showed I'm a hopeless romantic and an idealist. That's a really terrible combination in this world. LOL

What that means is I romanticize relationships and have a ideal goals in that. When that wasn't met, and it was never met, it always resulted in disappointment, frustration and anger, experienced all though childhood as far back as I can remember.

So I realized, after all those battles with the inner me, long, intense battles, that I was trying to impose my desires on others in relationships. That I thought they should be the way I idealized the relationship and they should be more like me in their thoughts and behaviors. That's great and all and maybe that is the best way, but I was losing that battle. People are people and they are what they are, and many times that disappoints, and always in the close relationships with family, friends and lovers. 

So for me, it was the expectations of the romantic idealist I am, that I thought should be met that never were. That left me feeling alone, cut off, disconnected...and angry. 

Jesus is the only relationship I have that never disappoints. Never a hidden agenda, never a lie, no deception, no manipulation, no false accusations, acceptance for who I am and how I think, acknowledgement of my thoughts and desires; and no sulking, silent, twisted judgement lingering about to spiring like a trap when convenient.

He's honest and upfront and you know exactly who He is everyday, every minute, for all time.

With people you can never be sure. 

So I stopped imposing on people what I thought was the right way and let them show me who they truly are, then deal with that appropriately. That includes family, friends and lovers. 

If people act a certain way that I don't agree with then that's just how it is. It's a shame on them when they treat me badly. I didn't make them act that way, though I have been blamed for that; "If you didn't do or say....then I wouldn't have had to do or say..." What garbage!!

I shed that burden in Jesus power and provision. Jesus truly is the Way, the Truth and the Life. 

He showed me the way in truth and led me to a peace filled life. 

Peace.

 

 

 

 

 

[The Survivor]

@Cyoder, I understand what you are going through. Some things similar with me that you went through. I still have anger issues, but I have stopped Hulking more often than I used to. I know my reasons am angry. I do pray about it as best as I know how to pray. Will keep you in mind.