Heading for divorce...

[Guest truespirit]

Search within your own heart for your answers, always. If you truly accept Jesus Christ as your savior and leader, He will provide your answer in time.

There isn't a person here that is fully aware of your situation, or the trials that you've been dealing with at a personal level-except for Him. Ask Him into your heart, always, ask Him to guide your life and to give you your answers. If you're loyal to Him, He will answer, right?

It seems to me that you came here and provided brutal honesty about the situation at hand in your own life. What else am I allowed to conclude personally ? Sometimes it is that type of honesty that will rustle feathers and lead to judgement, something none of us should be entitled to do based on what you have said here. If you have "Made anything up," only you would know that, there isn't anybody else here that would.

If you've been honest with eveybody else here, always, there is no other that has the right to judge you with their own preconceived notions, not as a Christian.

Thankfully, always, that is why we always have Him to turn to. He knows your heart, He understands all of the circumstances and the truth of the situation involved. That said, the only thing that I can tell you, ma'am, is to suggest that you turn your complete faith over to Him. Stay steadfast in prayer, and give Him your heart completely. His undivided love for you will never change. He's your best friend, and He always will be.

Eventually, He will provide your answer, always. Though He might not always open all of the doors that we would like Him to, when we would like Him to, etc, the promise that we do have is that He will never leave us during our struggles. He's always there beside us. All that we have to do is pour out our hearts to Him, to invite Him into our lives. And for the relationship to be real, not artificial.

Don't give up on Him, always. He's the Best Friend that we could ever imagine, we know that much.

I will remember you and your family during this difficult struggle. Take care.

[shepherdsgrace]

I know for a fact that there is such a thing as excessive demonic contolling behavior. If this is the case with your husband and it sure sounds like it and you can get out...then that would be wisdom for sure. People who have never seen it find it hard to imagine. But it is real and horrible and life debilitating for all those involved. And possibly life threatening.

[Guest GodAlways]

Thanks again, everyone for your advice. I appreciate the people who showed empathy. I'm not hostile as Butero stated--just hurt. I've tried following the example set by Sarah--my husband took advantage of that. That is part of the reason he feels he can manipulate me. He feels that since he is the breadwinner, I'd better do as I'm told or else he'll leave & put me in a financial bind. I'm no angel, as Butero pointed out. I am, however, a very good wife. We all have our faults. Despite what Butero thinks, I am not the cause of my husband's. A lot of his faults and issues stem from things in his past. This is part of the reason he started counseling. My husband has been a good provider. He has not been a very good husband. The truth is the truth. I didn't try to make my husband sound like a "mental case" as Butero seems to think I have. I just stated the TRUTH about things he has done.

Butero, my judgement is far from clouded. I've been put through hell by my husband. He has even admitted this. You said that I'm bitter. I'm not bitter. I just don't feel good about what my husband has put me through. I'm not bitter. I'm better. I've held fast to my faith in God. I remain prayerful. I still try to act as an example of His love.

Thank you, truespirit for your encouragement. Encouraging me to remain steadfast in prayer & advising me to continue to seek God, be loyal to Him, etc., is what I needed. I didn't come to this board (as Butero thinks) hoping that if enough people agree w/me, I'll feel good about getting a divorce. As I said before, I'm not the one who asked for a divorce, my husband did. I came here hoping to receive spiritual advice and yes, some comforting advice to help me through a rough situation. Butero advised me to cast my pride aside, I did--that's why I've suffered long and hard. I would go into other things, but I don't want Butero to try to paint me as a hostile person.

Peaches, I'm so sorry to hear about what your mom went through. I witnessed domestic violence when I was a child. I thank God my younger children haven't witnessed anything getting to a physical level. I pray that they won't be scarred by anything they've already heard.

My husband actually admitted that he was wrong to ask me for a divorce over this situation. The only problem is that he will admit he's wrong one minute & turn around & threaten to abandon me & the children a couple of weeks later. Justifiably so, I don't trust him. Butero may think I'm such a horrible person for not trusting him, but when I let my guard down & follow Sarah's example, that's often when my husband takes my kindness for weakness.

I still don't know what will happen. Because my husband had a medical procedure which requires him to be off his feet for a couple of weeks, he has still been in the home. Despite Butero stating in his earlier post that maybe if I didn't argue w/my husband so much..., I try not to say anything or respond in any type of argumentative way. For the sake or peace & for my children's sake, I try to set a good example. My husband actually asked me to put a post (he approved of what was written, Butero) about this situation on a Christian forum. He may have been convicted in his spirit ( I pray) because he said that seeing it written & "hearing" from other people about how wrong he has been & how much he needs counseling, helped him to see how wrong he truly has been. As I stated, I just don't know how long that feeling will last (i.e., if he will actually seek counseling or start taking me for granted again).

Giaour, you stated that my son is not a child anymore. With all due respect, what does that have to do w/anything? My son is in his last semester of high school (he'll be 19 in a few weeks). He has been making plans to go on to college. I expect my husband to not want me having men/male friends (if I were allowed to have any) over while he is at work, but to not allow our son to have a friend over MAYBE once a week (sometimes once every 3 weeks)for less than a couple of hours??? It's important for me to be a Godly wife, that's why I am so. I just stated that I was a "cool mom" to point out that I do try to encourage my son & give him spiritual discipline as opposed to being a critical mom who NEVER wants my son to have any friends over. Yes, my son got into trouble last summer. As I stated, he is back on the right path, though he still has a lot of work to do. Doesn't God teach us to forgive? I should never let my son have anyone come over ever because he got into trouble last year? If this were about my son not having "bad" friends over or the "wrong crowd" at our home, I would TOTALLY understand & support my husband's decision. This, however, is about my husband's insecurites that I enjoy/want to be with young men. It was sick of my husband to accuse me of having sex w/my own son. This is an extension of that sick accusation.

Abbershay, you stated that if the abuse was this bad my son would have left & gotten his own place. You think I'm making up how bad things are? My son witnessed some abuse from my husband (whom he refers to as his father, not stepfather) before. Maybe he hasn't left because he wants to protect me. Maybe w/him trying to finish high school, he isn't in a position to get his own place. Things aren't that easy. You stated that if you were working to provide for your family, you wouldn't want to support your 19yo & all his friends. All his friends??? They don't live here. They don't receive an allowance from us. They don't get clothes, cds, shoes, etc. from us. You wouldn't support your (almost) 19you son trying to do something w/his life like finish high school & go on to college? I don't expect my husband to spoil him & reward him w/things he doesn't deserve. I do expect him to be given BUS FARE to get back & forth to school. I would hate for him to resort to some immoral tactics just to survive. He is trying to find a job, however, I can introduce you to people w/degrees who are trying to find employment. You asked if my son buys his own groceries. He's a high school teenager!Matthew 7 asks, who, if his son asks for bread would give him a stone. I'm not going to tell my son that he can wash dishes, clean up the kitchen, take out garbage, mop floors, help w/the younger children, bring groceries in & put them away, but he can't have anything to eat. Is that Godly? His friends didn't eat & drink anything all up. One of my son's friends may have had 2 soda pops & 2 sandwiches in the last 6 months at our home. A friend, who as I stated, has helped to bring in groceries, take out garbage, clean my older son's room & even clean our younger boys' room. I shouldn't show any hospitality to someone who has always shown respect to me & my husband? And, yes, I've been blessed w/good looks (I hate to say that because I'm very modest when people say I'm very attractive). I do look younger than my years. Many people mistake my son for my brother & will argue that we are lying when we say we are mother & son. His friends, however, have never hit on me because I'm attractive & look young. They have too much respect for my husband & me to do that. Yes, we are doing our son a favor by allowing him to stay here. We are trying to guide him in the right direction. I continue to pray for God to to lead me so that I may guide my son & help him stay on the right path.

Now, I'm praying for God to guide me in the right direction of what I NEED to do in this situation.

[InternalFlame]

Will be praying for wisdom and discernment to come to the both of you to see God's Will in this...

[darkest_red]

This 19 year old shouldnt even be an issue , hes 19 and if this abuse was this bad he would leave and get his own place.

If i am working to provide for the family i sure wouldnt want to support the 19 year old and his all his friends. This 19 year old is he buying his own food?

If he was he wouldnt be allowing all his friends to eat and drink it all up. Is the 19 year old pulling his own weight?

Have you thought that maybe he would like to get his own place but simply can't afford it?? I'm 19 myself and am looking to move at the moment and they only way that has been made possible is because my boyfriend's parents have said I can live with them (and if that seems like I'm going from one set of parents to another, I'm in a long distance relationship and this is the only way I could move to be nearer to my boyfriend). My friends are all (with few exceptions) at least a couple of years older than me and most of them are struggling to be able to afford to move out. In fact, my brother moved out last August but had to move back home this year as he simply couldn't afford it.

what about you? Are you a very attractive women looking younger than your years? If you are there a strong posiblity that one of these men will hit on you , its just the age we are in.

At 19 you all are doing him a favor to let him stay there. Its follow the rules or get your own place, seems pretty simple to me and i think you should stand with him on this issue.........

I think that is a strong generalisation. Contrary to what a lot of people seem to think about this generation, not all of us would hit on anyone just because they're attractive. Lots of us still have respect. Just because a guy sees an attractive woman doesn't mean they will automatically hit on her. Anyone with respect for this lady, her husband and her son (i.e. their friend) would not do any such thing. And anyone who would do that, would not be the kind of friend anyone would want their child to have anyway.

As for doing him a favour by letting him stay there...what kind of mother, what kind of Christian, would she be if she threw him out?? I don't think taking care of your own son can be classed as a favour. As I said, in all likelihood he wouldn't be able to afford to move out anyway.

I agree that he should follow the rules of the house, but I do think the situation could be handled better and more appropriately.

[abbershay]

Well i am sorry i did not know he was still in high school. That changes everything.

Sounds to me like this isnt even the issue , this fellow is just a tyrant .

[samarelda]

Could it be that your husband thinks your son is Number One in your life instead of him? The husband/wife relationship should always come first. Your kids will leave home but a marriage is forever. I am not saying you put your son first, but maybe some of your actions make your husband feel that way. I know it is very important to my husband to be number one in my life, next to the Lord of course.

[carant2000_2001]

hi GODALWAYS,

i am very sorry for your pain. never, never feel worthless you are a child of God

your husband sounds very disturbing to me, i would say counseling is needed

sometimes when others are in the dirt they'll try also to bring you down, pray for him

the sad part is and believe me i am going through this, the children tend to think it's

their fault. let him know your not willing to live this way anymore. i will pray for your family

also remeber you have other children who will be influenced by his controlling manor.

God bless you,

in christ,

carolyn

[Sisterchick]

...that he knew I must've been having sex with my son.

Okay... I must confess that I kind of got lost reading your thread, but this sentence stood out, Big Time! There are issues that need professional help and for your safety, I would get it quickly. I also think that there should be limits and boundaries with an older teen. It doesn't have to be a stepson to be an issue. My household is dealing with that, as well. It's a control thing.

Edited March 10, 2006 by Sisterchick