Heading for divorce...

[Leonard]

Thanks Micah 68, that's a lot more to go on. Sounds very much to me like he is having an affair himself, and by projection, is distrustful of you. Even if he's not having an affair (and I'll bet gold bars to garbage bags he is), his controlling/manipulative behavior is unacceptable. Christian Marriage is not slavery!

Put your foot down and insist he go with you to Pastoral Counseling for at least 6 months...OR ELSE! He seems to have some really bad problems.......

[Guest GodAlways]

Thanks everyone. I am just praying that God will cover my children & me. I am praying that He will allow my transition into single motherhood to be as painless as possible for us. My husband asked me today what I thought about us. I told him that I don't know. He then said, "Well, I think it's best if I separate from you..." He said that I don't know how to be submissive & that I'm too dominant because I should've gone along with what he said because he's my husband. I told him that if I were too dominant, I would've told my son that he can let his friends come over anyway. I told him to just keep them away for now. He said that I should've been telling him (my husband) that instead of my son. He said no one else matters. He said that we are to forsake all others no matter what. I told him that I needed him to know that he was being unreasonable. He said that we needed to work on our marriage because he was getting upset because one of my son's friends had come by looking for him 2 times. Wow! I didn't know that could put a marriage in jeopardy. He said that I should've told them that we need time to work on our marriage & to not come by. Even if I had gone along with his ridiculous rule, what happens the next time something doesn't go his way?

I'm left with no feeling of security. Every time he takes the money, makes arrangements to move & tells me I'm on my own. I've needed to have oral surgery for the past week. Every day when he sees me getting ready to go to the dentist, he tells me that he has to leave so he can take care of business. He said that he needs to secure a roof over his head. He can leave at will because I'm the one at home with the children. He takes off whenever. I told him that I needed to go to the store for the children. He came inside. My daughter had fallen asleep. He became upset because he kept saying that I wasn't submissive enough. He then (knowing I was about to go to the store) said he had to leave. I reminded him that I needed to go to the store. He said, "No. I'm leaving. You can do whatever you need to do later." It's hard to shop when you have to load up a sleeping baby & 2 other sleepy children. I'm not Hercules. He didn't have to go to work for 2.5 hrs. He told me that I wouldn't have enough time. When I told him that I had more than enough time (he knew that), he left. He then came back about 1/2 hr. later. He does things just because he can. He's a control freak!

He told me that he's not going to start bank accts. for our children (something I've been telling him for years we need to do) because he has things to do. I still tried to be nice when we came home today from an appt. for one of our children. I fixed his lunch before he left. He then tried to get intimate with me. He said that I had purposely fixed him some delicious food so that I could get him "caught up" knowing that he would want to get intimate so that I could say that was all he thinks about. I talked to him about an hr. later & he told me that because he has to take off work and put he feet up for the next few days (he's having a medical procedure done on his foot) he needs me to "give it to him" tonight. I reminded him that he asked me for a divorce. His response was, "I don't care. I still want it." How selfish! He is such a jerk! He truly makes me sick! He did the same thing after accusing me of having sex w/my son. I told him how can I think about something that's supposed to be a beautiful thing between married individuals when you have linked it to something so sick & disgusting. He made arrangements to move out then. I'm the one who should've threatened to leave--I had just been accused of the sickest thing a parent can do. On our daughter's birthday (the day he accused me), he said he was moving out. He then went apartment hunting. He then stopped. When I wasn't ready to have sex with him again as soon as he wanted me to, he said that he was going to divorce me.

I am SICK & TIRED of being treated like I'm worthless by him. He always says I do nothing for him because he brings home a paycheck & I don't. Any at-home moms know what it's like to take care of children & a home. He tries to send me into panic mode by leaving me at the drop of a hat, knowing I have no income. Well, I trust that God will take care of us. He knows the mortgage is due but he said he's not taking care of me anymore. I pray that he will be punished for what he is doing. He had been saving thousands in his sole acct., but took everything. It's alright though because I know that one day he will be punished for his wrongdoing. I have to be made to feel like, "Uh, oh. I'd better have sex with him even though he wants a divorce or else he might not bring the children any groceries." I'm not going to allow myself to be used just to keep him around. What am I gaining??? There is no stability. I agree w/you whole-heartedly, Michah. I'm not trying to rear a daughter to think that she should be treated like this. I told him a long time ago that I refuse to have my sons grow up & think it's okay to mistreat & manipulate women. Even if they don't, I don't want my children angry with me because they were made miserable by what was going on in the house & I stayed in the situation. I am praying that God will deliver me out of this miserable situation soon. He keeps saying that I will "see in the end", but I'm praying that he will. I pray that God will allow me to be victorious & give glory to Him for allowing me & my family to survive & be happy despite my soon-to-be-ex trying to tear me down.

[Guest GodAlways]

Oh, and Micah...

Thanks for the hug. I needed one. Here's a hug backatcha'. I don't care what he says! ;-)

[Micah68]

But please don't pray for him to be punished. Pray for him to change, no matter what the outcome of your marriage. If, in order to change, he needs to be punished, God will take care of that. No matter what happens, you've got to get the anger out of your heart.

Actually I went through a very difficult divorce years ago. I see now that God allowed it all to happen so that I could get rid of any anger that I had in my heart. It's important to be principled and yet loving. Stick by the Word of God and yet don't use it as a club to beat others up with it. The whole situation in my case was really helpful to my spiritual life and I feel that I am a better Christian because of it, in spite of the fact that I know God does not like divorce. It was necessary in my case. But things did not get better until I made those changes in my heart. So, don't let hateful thoughts and feelings about your husband take you over. Don't give in to them no matter what happens in your relationship with your husband.

Best wishes. You can do it through the power Jesus gave you.

[Guest truespirit]

Hello, Always. Boy, I have to say that it looks like you have a complicated one on your shoulders here. The circumstances involved with this one aren't all too similar to any of the others that I've read here before.

Several years ago, a friend of one of my family members was found underneath his desk sucking his thumb, unresponsive to others. He was well into his 40's or 50's, if I remember correctly. He was a manager of a fairly large dealership-one of those professions that can be quite stressful.

Perhaps some of your husband's behavior can be blamed on the fact that he's overdoing things at work. Don't let others cause you to worry about an affair situation. Nobody knows him here but you. If you've been married to him for six years, I'm sure that you can trust your own judgement in that area.

I don't think that it sounds like you're trying to be a "Cool mom" at all. To me, it sounds like you're just a mom that loves her child, and you don't really know where to go from here.

If your son is having some signifigant problems, he might not be ready to take over a business. I don't know if this happens to be a larger business, or a small one, but in either case he might not be ready for that. To be perfectly honest, I know of few, if any 19 year olds that could do that.

I'm not a mental health professional, ma'am, but to me, it sounds like the best option that you could possibly have available under these circumstances is some type of family counseling situation, an env't where all three of you could come together with a professional and discuss your problems.

If you live in a larger city, I'm certain there would be several different Christian oriented facilities that could work with you guys.

As disasterous as some of these situations might feel like for those experiencing them, or those reading about them, a lot of times there are some subtle clues that offer some promise, too, especially in one of them like in particular.

If your husband is guarding his soda pop supply and won't leave the house when your son is there, I don't know what his background's like, but that sounds a little bit like behavior that's way out there in leftfield, you know? I don't mean to judge, but that's not one you read about everyday, either. Sometimes when our problems become that irrational there might be more hope for the situation than those that are more "Understandable," I guess. So if there's any positive here, always, that might be a way of looking at things. There are never any guarentees, but sometimes when things don't make any sense at all, the answers can be easier to come by than you'd expect, too.

Good luck to you and your family. I'm sorry that you have to be going through these problems.

PS-

"My son is the only one in the house who eats meat. If he ever offers his friends anything, it isn't taking anything away from what my husband eats."

I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but it's a possibility that something like that could be a problem with some of your husband's behavior. Vitamin B12 plays a much larger role than many people would normally suspect when it comes to some of the behavior related issues. Vegan diets are normally fairly deficient in B12. The iron/ferritin level could be an another possibility if you're vegans (I'm not a medical doc or professional, so please don't this to be medical advise or a diagnosis, anything on that order).

That might well be the craziest response that you're going to get from anybody here, and I feel a bit awkward for suggesting this type of thing, but I've seen even stranger things happen, I guess, so I better share it.

Good luck, ma'am.

Edited February 25, 2006 by truespirit

[Adarian]

God Bless You All...

I've been married for nearly 6 years. I could go into details about our ups & downs, but as you know, all marriages have them. My husband told me that he doesn't want our 19yo son to have company unless he is in the house. Our son is in school when my husband is home. When my son gets out of school, my husband leaves for work, shortly thereafter. He gets upset when his friends come by after he has left for work. He has accused me of loving the attention of "young boys" and has even accused me of having sex with my own son (how sick!). I feel that because of his issues, he is trying to control me by demanding that I not allow anyone in the house unless he is home.

I think his request is unfair & unreasonable. I have always been known as the "cool" mom. When my son was younger, all the children (male & female) came to my house. I tutored, mentored and showed love to all children. It is part of my purpose to help the youth.

My son got into some trouble within the last year. He started hanging with the wrong crowd and went down the wrong path. He is now in counseling. He is back in school. He has a long way to go in terms of satisfying us with regard to doing all he should (i.e., showing us the respect we deserve, doing his chores consistently, building a relationship w/his father, etc.), but he has taken strides in the right direction of getting his life back in order.

My husband became upset because my son drank quite a few cans of his soda pop. He said that he is not going to have everyone having fun at his expense. He confronted one of my son's friends on the street today & told him that he doesn't want him coming over. He said that he doesn't even want him coming to look for my son. He said that some pop and "other food" has been coming up missing. He said told him to pass the message to all my son's friends.

These friends rarely come by anyway. My son is usually over someone else's house. When they come by they have helped to bring in groceries, helped my son clean his room and our other children's room, taken out garbage, etc. These young men have always been respectful when they have come to our home. They greet us properly, ask how we are doing & even play w/our younger children. I don't think anything is wrong w/offering them a soda every now & then or even a sandwich. My son is the only one in the house who eats meat. If he ever offers his friends anything, it isn't taking anything away from what my husband eats.

Because I feel that this is unfair & unreasonable, my husband (seriously) told me to file for divorce. We've been on the brink of divorce before for several issues including him accusing me of sleeping with my son several different times. He transferred a huge chunk of money out of our account. He barely left enough for me to pay the gas & light bill. The mortgage is due in 1 week. Because we agreed that I would stay at home w/the children, I have no income. He has always used the fact that he takes care of the bills as a reason why all his decisions should be "respected". I feel that he isn't always right. He said that he will take care of our smaller children but will no longer provide for me & my grown son. (This son is not his biologically. He becomes "my" son whenever my husband gets tired/disgusted w/him in some way. He told me that God will show me in the end. He said that I'm on my own now. This isn't the 1st time he has left me. The last time was 2.5 mos ago on our daughters 1st birthday. When I was downstairs trying to wrap presents, get the room decorated, etc., he said that I hadn't gotten enough done by the time he came downstairs & that he knew I must've been having sex with my son.

I respect the "man of the house" being so, but I don't feel that I have to agree with everything he says--especially something as unreasonable as this. He said that he is going to talk to his attorney to see what can be done to expedite a divorce. I just pray for my children. I could go on and on, but I'm so exhausted. Am I wrong to think he is being unfair? Thanks for "listening".

I sense a demonic presence here. Try cleansing your house, and see what happens.

Otherwise, the accusation that you are having sex with your son sounds like schizophrenia. Such a statement is simply not rational. I grew up with weird stuff like this, so to me this is almost normal, but there are things going on behind the scenes with your husband me thinks.

Some very smart people think that schizophrenia is rooted in malnutrition and toxicity. I have to agree.

[Guest GodAlways]

Butero,

Obviously you did not read my post correctly. I NEVER said I've been married before. This is my first & only marriage. You seem pretty certain that I've done something to cause my husband's irrational behavior. You never heard of someone acting irrational just because? If there was a logical cause for everyone's irrational behavior, there would be no need for psychologists, jails, or even pastors. There is no excuse for my husband's behavior. You said that I may be doing things to cause my husband's bad behavior. I didn't do anything. Oh, sorry, I did--I stood up for what I know is right. You suggested that I "go along with" my husband's method of discipline instead of criticizing it. Why??? Just let my husband rule w/an "iron fist" because he wants to? As I said, you obviously haven't read my post thouroughly. I said that my husband doesn't want young men in the house BECAUSE he feels that I like their attention--not because he needs to take drastic measures w/my son. Yes, my son got into trouble--last year. This isn't about some bad friends who come by. This isn't about punishing my son for something he's done wrong. This is about my husband's insecurity that I have some sick attraction for my son's friends. Read the post.

As far as you stating that it appears to you that I want out but just "want to have a clear conscience in the matter", you, again, are wrong. Hello? Did you read where I said he asked for the divorce. If I wanted out but simply wanted a clear conscience, I wouldn't have sought anyone's advice. With all that my husband has put me through, I'm not the one who needs the clear conscience!

You said that I am in disobedience to God's word for refusing to have sex with a man who said he wants a divorce. Since he wants to break the covenant we made, he should not expect me to still have sex with him. I don't think God wants his daughter to be treated like a piece of meat. You seemed to jump down my back about what I must've done and how disobedient I am and how I should go along with this and how I need to repent. You neglected to mention in discussing God's word that God commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians - Chapter 5:25). Do you think that my husband is loving me the way Christ loves?!? Do you think it's love for a person to threaten and make preparation for divorce every time he gets upset?!? You said that my behavior (not wanting to be used for sex) is only making matters worse. No, my behavior is taking a stand for the stability/future of my children & myself. Having sex with him will only make things worse. It will send the message that he can abuse me and cause my children's future to become unstable but whenever you decide to be gracious enough to come around, I will be willing to be a fool and allow myself to be used and opened up for more emotional abuse.

With all due respect, yours is the worse advice I've read!

Read Colossians - Chapter 3:19

Edited March 2, 2006 by GodAlways

[Giaour]

With all due respect.

I, like Butero was under the impression that you had been married before because of your statement that your 19 year old son is not biologically your husbands.

Understandable mistake.

My husband would not tolerate me having men in our house when he is at work either.

Your son is 19 years old. He is not a child anymore.

What is more important; being the "cool mom" or a Godly wife?

I do agree that your husband should not have accused you falsely of having sex outside the marriage.

If your son has been in trouble, maybe he shouldn't have friends over.

Just a thought.

[peaches]

i can relate to a lot of things u said here Godalways. i wish my mom visited these boards (and that she had the time to) cos she would be the perfect person to share what went on with her. since i dont have a lot of time i am just gonna share with you a couple of things that kept popping in my mind as i read ur post.

1. control freaks are VERY dangerous! i have heard/read/been told of many control freaks who eventually resort to murder. i am sure this is no news to you. its really hard to imagine that someone u married might be capable of this but, thats what they all say. my mom was in a situation like that. its really hard to say this and i dont like talking about it cos i love my dad and all but he around the time it ended with him and my mom, he had begun to sleep with an axe under his pillow. he had tried to fling at her once before. truth be told, he was jerk and it was for no apparent reason. well, except that he was a drunk and way older than my mom and way insecure. they divorced when i was in second grade but i still remember some things that my dad used to do that were totally uncalled for. the one that sticks out the most is the time he came home drunk in the afternoon once and started hitting me and punching me too i think. he threw me all over the place in a fit of anger. my mom tried to pull him off me, to stop hitting me but he wouldnt budge. i still dont know why he did that. they divorced when i was in 2nd grade so i couldnt have been older than six when he did those things. be very careful. all the warning signs are there.

2. if ur children are witnessing all this, its gonna cause u and them problems in the future. u say u have been married 6yrs? my parents were married for 10. i was born 2yrs later. i was probably able to start comprehending things at like age 3 or four. i remember MANY things that my dad used to say or do to my mom. i can almost guarantee that ur children are gonna remember this and its gonna take a long time to heal from them. this is embarassing for me to say but i and my sister who is 2yrs older have major problems when it comes to relationships and boys and trusting men and all that! i cant even bring myself to date yet!! but God is taking care of my heart slowly. i didnt even know i needed healing until He revealed it to me.

3. its ESSENTIALLY important that your son, and all ur kids for that matter, know how u feel about them and about the way ur husband treats you and your son. your son should know that you love him and that you dont approve of this man's irrational behaviour. there is nothing like feeling like u are not important. for sure ur son will end up moving out or soemthing and u will end up estranged.

4. DO NOT stop holding on to ur faith. i am really encouraged by the way u keep holding on to God. remind urself each day to seek His council. how is ur family's relationship with God? if God is important to ur son, do u pray with Him? do devos with Him?

anyways, i will be praying for you. prayer changes things. i have also learnt to not tell God what or how i want things but to seek His guidance and what He wills.

[abbershay]

I believe butero gave some good advise.

This 19 year old shouldnt even be an issue , hes 19 and if this abuse was this bad he would leave and get his own place.

If i am working to provide for the family i sure wouldnt want to support the 19 year old and his all his friends. This 19 year old is he buying his own food?

If he was he wouldnt be allowing all his friends to eat and drink it all up. Is the 19 year old pulling his own weight?

What about you? Are you a very attractive women looking younger than your years? If you are there a strong posiblity that one of these men will hit on you , its just the age we are in.

At 19 you all are doing him a favor to let him stay there. Its follow the rules or get your own place, seems pretty simple to me and i think you should stand with him on this issue.........

Doesnt mean i think he is right? Actually i think you are both wrong. As in most every relationships to a degree.