11 Years Ago....And the pain lingers on!

[mikado5001]

It was 11 years ago yesterday on a lovely sunny day. The OJ trial was just wrapping up with Christopher Darden giving the DA's summation.

On this warm September day. I had gone out to do food shopping. On this day my mother died. I went upstairs to give her the change. And she did not move. She had died while I was out. And I found her lying there on her bed. Her expression was not one of peace which one expects to find. But that of an almost triumphant evil grin. An image seared into my brain. Which, while asked to, G-d has not removed. This was one of the, if not the, worst days of my life.

At the funeral the Rabbi's words offered no comfort. Rather I was filled with such anger and hatred. I wanted to lash out. At one point daggers would have shot from my eyes if they could. I do not mourn her death all that much. She wanted to die. And she welcomed death. She was not saved. Which now in my new life is sad as well. As if a second death has occured. If my Bar Mitzvah 9 years prior to this day on September 14(the service)-September 15(reception) started to make me run from G-d. That day severed all ties. I turned from HIM with a vengeance.

WHERE WAS MY PEACE AND COMFORT IN MY TIME OF NEED? The only places I found it were in food and sin. I entered into a homosexual relationship. And when money came my way from my partner. I ate huge amounts of food. In 1997 I ate 19 and 1/2 Hot Dogs in the Nathan's Competition NJ State Regionals. And 16 and 2/3 in the 4th of July Competition. What did that get me?! A colostomy bag for 6 months, 3 weeks in the hospital, a trophy, and a grill. I sold the grill to buy food. Like a smoker. I had become an addict of food.

WHERE WAS HE HIDING? Someone want to tell me. WHERE THE #$&$ WAS HE? HE sent no angels my way to get me out of that life.

And why do I carry on this burden? Why can I not surrender it and know peace? HIS promised peace. I have prayed that HE would remove this burden. That I could just lay it at the cross. While using it to remind me to change my ways. Which I have. But the pain lingers on. What am I doing wrong here. For the past few weeks I have said I surrender the pain to YOU. And yet it remains. Albeit to a lesser extent. But it remains. Anyway this is why I am depressed today. I had to tell someone.

I spoke to my friend and true Patricia the other day. And her words to me were a light throught the darkness. She said I am a different person than I was when we met 7 years ago. And she has noticed that. That meant alot. She is the only friend who has been in my life this long a time. More of a big sister than a friend. And I am gratefull for her.

[Marnie]

You wrote: And why do I carry on this burden? Why can I not surrender it and know peace? HIS promised peace. I have prayed that HE would remove this burden.

G-d promises us peace but does not force it on us. If you are carrying this, or any burden, it is because for some reason you want to. I do not say this in an accusatory tone, but as a fact. You have the ability to cast your cares upon Christ. the onus is on you. I pray you will overcome whatever it is inside you that compels you continue in this rut. It is not where G-d wants you and if you are a believer, the power is within you to do something about it.

[Nevin]

Wow it takes alot to confess an individuals past . I look above that though and i pray that you release these burdens that haunt you

[nebula]

Mikado,

Have you chosen to forgive your mother?

[mikado5001]

Mikado,

Have you chosen to forgive your mother?

Easier said than done i'm afraid. I can say it. And I have often. But it's just words. My heart is still hard in spots. HIS devine renovation continues....

Last night I cried out and I got a verse in my head. And HE sent me 1Cor 6:14:

By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.

I rejoiced in that verse. Not as much as I would like. See, I still expect, at least some of the time, heaving amounts of tears. Tears that last for a while. And flow like rivers. But unlike JESUS' LIVING WATER, these tears stop after a time. And THOUGH SORROW MAY LAST FOR THE NIGHT! IT'S JOY COMES WITH THE MORNING!

Oh G-d when will I see the morning?

[speckles]

Mikado,

Have you chosen to forgive your mother?

Easier said than done i'm afraid. I can say it. And I have often. But it's just words. My heart is still hard in spots. HIS devine renovation continues....

Last night I cried out and I got a verse in my head. And HE sent me 1Cor 6:14:

By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also.

I rejoiced in that verse. Not as much as I would like. See, I still expect, at least some of the time, heaving amounts of tears. Tears that last for a while. And flow like rivers. But unlike JESUS' LIVING WATER, these tears stop after a time. And THOUGH SORROW MAY LAST FOR THE NIGHT! IT'S JOY COMES WITH THE MORNING!

Oh G-d when will I see the morning?

You cannot forgive until you look at it squarely for what it is and how much it hurts. Don't try to put a brave face on it, don't try to be spiritual, allow yourself to really hurt and mourn what you have lost. Then take all of it, not just the parts you have taken so far, to the cross. And Jesus will be there saying "I'ts about time!"