Divorce support thread

[Guest AmberK]

This is my first time on board. I am looking for support also...going through a divorce.

After many years of marriage, my relationship with my husband became an abusive one, and my husband stopped following God. He left our children and I in the summer (I couldn't follow him, knowing he wasn't following God). We are now going through divorce.

I am trying to do God's will, what is right for my children and myself. Having a really lonely and hard time, though. I have faith God will get me through all of this, I am just so overwelmed...financially, independently...I am bad about second guessing myself.

[Iryssa]

I haven't gone through this directly, but I remember how hard it was for my grandmother, mom, my aunts and uncle when my grandfather left my grandmother. I just want you all to know that my heart goes out to you, and that I am praying for you and any children you may have and anyone around you affected by this.

[CSLewis]

I am in college and have 3 kids - my wife left us while I was in the middle of the school semester. Many nights I stayed up till 4 and woke up three hours later. I got a call from her and she said she was going back to rehab. I found out from her friends that she had been cheating with guys she didn't even know throughout the entire marriage. I don't think a marriage can last if it is not based on trust. I know I can never trust her again. For the protection of the kids I must do it.

Right now I am relying on the generosity of my sisters who help watch the kids while I work. Some nights I miss her. Some nights I hate her. But mostly I just don't understand how a mom could leave her kids - not for some guy she just met. Not for some chemical.

I adopted her son, Isaiah who is 5- he is awesome such a leader and will be a great man of God. Cheyenne is 4 and she is going through a hard time now. She is starting to steal, we are working on that. She asks hard questions and I had to break her heart with the news that mom won't be coming home. It hurt. She pleaded with me to go find her and bring her home. I overheard there friends say- "You don't have a mommy anymore". My son Andrew will be 2 on Dec. 31, and I am not sure he remembers her. He is all boy (cowboys fan already ) and he bites hard. Most days start at 5 and don't stop until 12, especially during the semester.

Her family is awesome though. They are supporting me 100%. Both of our families are strong christians (an eclectic mixture of Southern Baptists, Episcopalians, non-denominational, Assembly of God, and Reformed Charasmatics though. Thanksgivings are alot of fun!!!) which makes it weird that she left. I guess that was her choice though. Anyway that is my rant oh yeah here is an awesome prayer that I try to pray every morning for strength.

"I will try this day to live a simple, sincere, and serene life, repelling promptly every thought of discontent, anxiety, discouragement, impurty, and self-seeking; cultivating cheerfulness, magnanimity, charity, and the habit of holy silence; exercising economy in expenditure, generosity in giving, carefulness in conversation, diligence in appointed service, fidelity to every trust, and a childlike faith in God.

In particular I will try to be faithful in those habits of prayer, work, study, physical exercise, eating, and sleep which I believe the Holy Spirit has shown me to be right.

And as I cannot in my own strength do this, nor even with a hope of success attempt it, I look to thee, O Lord God my Father, in Jesus my Savior, and ask for the gift of the Holy Spirit."

[anitarose]

Ok, here's my story:

I met Jim while working at an electronics store. I remember about 2 weeks before that the mgr saying something to the effect that "if Mrs. So and so comes in wanting a refund on her layaway she's not to get it", and the first comment was "ooh, sounds like a divorce situation to me". That should have been my first clue.

When he came in, he was on crutches. He had just had surgery on his ankle which was broken from a car accident. He had a male friend with him that he'd known since the kid was a baby (another clue). He followed me around the store, asking me questions. Little did I know my life would be turned upside down that day.

We dated, if you want to call it dating, for 2 years. I was totally clueless as to his true nature. I had a run in with his ex wife (we dated while he was in the process of a divorce---still another clue) and after he got his divorce continued dating. Off and on he struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide, and I (even though I was far from God) prayed for him.

One nite he called me at midnight. I was worried sick about him, not knowing where he was. He told me he had been in church. In church! He told me he had received Jesus as his Savior, and found a great Pentecostal church out in the boonies. Ok, I thought, this is good. We went to this church, and Jim showed me a side that he hadn't before---his "church side".

We ended up finding another great Pentecostal church and got married. That's.....when I found out the ugly truth, after the honeymoon. The Oakland County Sheriffs Deputies kept calling the house, I didn't know why, and he wouldn't tell me. Finally he sat me down and told me what was going on. He was under investigation for statutory rape of a 16 year old BOY. Now I think I could have handled it better if it was a girl, but a BOY??? I asked him if it happened. He said yes, but it was consensual. I asked him about AIDS. He said no, it never got that far. He gave me the option to leave then. I prayed about it, felt it was God's will I stay, and said no, I'm in it for the long haul. He eventually was cleared of the charges. Little did I realize what I was in for and what I would go through.

Over the years, there were several clues as to who Jim really was. He would always invite young boys over to the house. I didn't know what he was doing when I was working (he said he couldn't work, and kept trying to get disability), we moved to the UP of Michigan. I didn't think anything more of his lifestyle....until I found the gay porno in the rafters of the garage. Broke my heart. I honestly thought he had changed. Turns out he hadn't. I turned a blind eye.

Fast forward to 1996. By this time, the UP's depressing economy and the broken heart I nursed crept into my soul and I was on anti-depressants and I was also suicidal when Jim made the decision to move to Florida. It was a chance for a new beginning, I thought. Perhaps now he would get a job, maybe we could finally start a family, and he would forget this weird bent he had going on. He didn't, we didn't, and I was even more depressed. He would invite more and more young men to come live with us, and they would stay roughly 3 months and move on. I don't know why. I had no clue as to what he was doing.

We had a "successful" business selling roses in the bars. Jim found a few gay bars to go to while I was working. I didn't think anything of it, because by this time I was convinced that God had turned His back on us and didn't care. Jim got me into these bars to sell, and that's when I discovered that gays love flowers. They would purchase roses at a margin of 2 to 1 over the straight bars. But that's also when I discovered what Jim was doing in these gay bars. And it wasn't pretty.

Now I need to set something straight here. I wasn't without sin in all of this either. I stayed faithful to him for 12 of the 14 years we were married....and then I got a clue. The entire time we were married, he hadn't touched me physically. Not once. So I made the decision that I would go out and get what I could. And I did. Several times. But there was one person who I made the mistake of getting involved with and he ended up touching my soul....and I haven't forgotten him.

Now, the story is winding down to the present. I left Jim in January after all of his buddies kept coming up to me and telling me what he was doing. We got in a huge fight over the business, which had been dying anyway. He told me in no uncertain words that if I hated him so much to give him a divorce and get out of his life. I said OK, and walked out the door. 3 days later, I left. Took his dog. Left him my cat.

I haven't regretted what I did. Jim had become extremely abusing, was drinking constantly and was also bring more young men into our house. I wasn't stupid by this time. I knew what was going on, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. There's a lot of things that changed. When I left Jim, I also left the business. The business of selling flowers became something else entirely---it became selling myself. Oh, yes, anitarose, the "good Christian", was actually prostituting to earn money. I felt I had no other choice. No, I never got arrested, yes I was very careful about who I chose---and yes, that one special person was always involved. Until he got mixed up in a crowd that was involved in crystal meth. Then I threw him out of my life.

When I left Jim, I left the flowers, and I also left behind my string of "boyfriends". In March I started going to church, wanting to reconnect with the God I left behind so long ago. In The River I found acceptance, faith, love, and trust. I started over with a clean slate from God, joined the church, made the decision to go to Bible school, and started working in the television ministry. I also went full-time working at Walgreens.

Jim still tries to contact me from time to time. No I haven't found anyone else except God. I have to learn to trust men all over again because I know most men who try to date online do so with ulterior motives. I also have to earn men's trust because of what I did. I'm not proud of it, and sometimes the thought creeps back in to go out and get some "extra money" doing that. Of course, the Holy Spirit gently reminds me that I don't live that life anymore.

Now we are going through this divorce. I've never been through one before, and I'm praying it don't get ugly. I don't want a lot of reminders of him. Unfortunately there's going to be. There's nothing I can do about that, because there are a lot of positives about being with Jim. If I had left him back when I could have, I wouldn't be in Florida, wouldn't know the people I know, wouldn't have gone to Bible school--and wouldn't have found out about Worthy.

So anyway, that's my story. If it helps anyone, great. If it gives anyone insight into the complicated world of Anita, even better. If you feel inspired, then I've done my job. I still have a lot of healing to do.

Pray for us.

Anita & Chikachu

[Guest Elder]

We have several "support" type threads and it seems that this is one that is much needed. This thread will be to help us lift up one another and encourage one another when the going gets rough and the "how could you's" start happening.

Father, in the name of Jesus, please bless each and every one of us through these difficult times. Give us strength to walk this lonesome road and please be by our side. We thank You and we love You. Amen.

Please could you let me know the details of these support threads as I have a friend who has just separated from his wife- Hopefully it will not get to divorce but he really needs some support at the moment!

[anitarose]

We have several "support" type threads and it seems that this is one that is much needed. This thread will be to help us lift up one another and encourage one another when the going gets rough and the "how could you's" start happening.

Father, in the name of Jesus, please bless each and every one of us through these difficult times. Give us strength to walk this lonesome road and please be by our side. We thank You and we love You. Amen.

Please could you let me know the details of these support threads as I have a friend who has just separated from his wife- Hopefully it will not get to divorce but he really needs some support at the moment!

My friend, this is what we are here for. We are here to support each other as we take these steps.

Praying for your friend.

Anita & Chikachu

[CSLewis]

Thank you anitarose for sharing with us what you are going through.

peace

CSLewis

[anitarose]

Thank you anitarose for sharing with us what you are going through.

peace

CSLewis

you're welcome, CS. I know if I can help one person through this, that's the reason I've gone through it.

Anita & Chikachu

[RGR]

As Anita talked about in her post, there were things that made me go "huh " all along to be honest. Given that, though, you are so darned assured that the person you love WOULD NOT lie to nor hurt you.

Disclaimer: I'm assuming that we're all of legal age here and if anyone feels that I'm out of line on what I've got to say, I'll edit it out.

We met, of all places, at church. A friend of mine knew of April (my soon to be ex) and introduced us to one another. There was an immediate liking on my part and we agreed to date. She said all of the things I wanted to hear and just a little over a month after we met, we were married!

She had told me when we were dating that she was not a virgin; she said she wasn't proud of what she did, but it had only been one time with one guy. The day after we were married, I was told insultingly that she could tell I was a virgin and I thought to myself "you're not supposed to be exactly experienced at this either." Later, I would find out she lied on this, but more on that later.

I found out quickly that she did not want to work. I had agreed to let her quit her job she had before we were married since she lived about 50 miles from here on the agreement she find another one. She had worked at a nursing home, so it wasn't a problem for her to find another job at a local one. She worked there w/o a problem until one day she magically hurt her back. The nursing home paid her medical bills and gave her a check for pain and suffering and eventually she was released to go back to work. Every morning about 3 or 4 AM (she worked 1st shift) she would wake up moaning and screaming with her back and how bad it was. She would insist that I call her work and tell them she wasn't coming in, which being the good husband, I did. Magically, her back would quit hurting after her time to go into work had passed!

The work situation was something that would plague our marriage all the way through. She got fired from multiple jobs, sometimes several in a year! Most of the time, she would lie about why she was canned and most of the time, I bought the lies.

Due to her not wanting to work, I couldn't make enough to make ends meet, so we wound up living with my parents. We hadn't been out here that long when she just up and left-no warning, no note, no anything. She took our oldest son with her and she was pregnant with our middle son at the time. To make matters more interesting, we were living in Missouri and she took off to Arkansas, where that I had lived temporarily with her because of my job. What a fight that was. We agreed after the birth of our 2nd son, which was about 6 months after she left, to put our differences aside and make another go of things.

Things seemed to be smooth during that period and we even both decided to go to college. It was then her wild side started to show. She was constantly having lunch with a mutual "friend" (a preacher nonetheless) and I was always made to feel the odd man out when I would join them. She was wearing skimpy clothing (tight shorts and low cut tops) and there were many times during her lunch break that she was nowhere in sight.

It was a little over 5 years ago that 2 and 2 started coming together. I rededicated my life to Christ after living a life of sin for several years and vowed to raise my kids in church. She agreed to come to church with me and she got up at the altar that night dancing and carrying on (it was a Pentecostal church) and I really thought she had changed. She started wearing dresses totally all of the time (though I don't think shorts and pants are a sin, but just to make a point) and other superficial things that made me think she was truly living a new life.

She approached me a couple of months after we had started going back to church and told me that she had "messed around" on me. I'm not going to deny that I was hurt, but I told her I forgave her and still loved her. When presented with the question of who did she do the deed with, she stonewalled me telling me she didn't know the name of the guy!!! When I pressured her further, she said that she had forgotten his name. More pressuring got her to tell me that it was essentially not my business!

After that, more things started to come together. Right after we were married, I found two pair of underwear that didn't belong to me and as a matter of fact, both pair were different sizes and neither were my size!!!! She claims to know nothing about all of that. It was also during that time that a good friend of mine said that April propositioned him when he came over to our apartment. At first, it was like "why would she want Dale?" Later, it clicked. We had been married at that point a little less than a year and she had figured out that my parents didn't have money. Dale's parents spoiled him, keeping him in a nice late model truck, he never had to work, etc. Thankfully though Dale didn't always have the best morals, he was above fooling around with his best friend's wife!

Around a month after the admission of the affair, I found out she had lied about the "one guy, one time" theory of before we were married. Now let me say this-I don't care what one has done in their past. We are all sinners in need of a Savior and we've all did things we're ashamed of. I didn't care if it was one guy or ten guys, but you should be truthful with your future spouse. Also, I will let it be known, I never asked but instead, she volunteered that it was only the one guy. I was up in the attic getting down Christmas decorations and I happened across her diary. Everyone can shoot me now for doing it, but I opened up her diary. One of the first things I came across was "got drunk, sleep with ****." I confronted her, but w/o letting her know I had her diary. She kept denying it until I repeated her exact words back to her and she knew I had her diary. She then admitted that there had been several guys before we were married, but did agree to throw the diary away.

A few years ago, I started finding my dress clothes for work were being stained with grease. It always happened to the new ones that I bought for some "odd" reason. I would buy a nice dress shirt, wear it, and then after I would wash it and hang it up, when I got it back again, it would have a big grease splotch right across the pocket. I finally invested in a lock for the hall closet, which is where I hung my dress clothes, and it dramatically stopped until one night I accidentally left my keys where that she could gain access to them. At that point, I started carrying my keys on me at all times until I went to bed!

I also started having money come up missing from my wallet. So being the resourceful little poot that I am, I started putting my wallet in the closet and locking it up!!!!! Later that night, she came out of the room and told me my wallet was missing! After she found out it was in my closet, she let loose on me!!!!!!

She also had a bad problem of taking merchandise that I bought, or that my mother had bought, back to Wal-Mart and getting the money back from it. I caught her red-handed earlier this year and confronted her. She gave me one of these "yeah, so what?" kind of looks. It was also this year that Mom had $1000 come up missing from her room!!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I found out through the grapevine that she was hitting the bar. She was going down to her mother's to "visit" and she was making the bar while she was down there. I confronted her over it and told her that, essentially, it was the bar or me. Not only was she out drinking and dancing, drugs run rampant at this particular bar, so I wonder if she is doing crystal meth as well. Well, she chose the bar. She said she thought we should separate and I told her that we might as well go ahead and get a divorce. She left me and the boys Christmas day, giving them a kiss saying she'd see them in a couple of weeks. She gave me a signed, notarized agreement giving me full custody of the kids before she left at least, so they're here with me.

[ladypeartree]

Ronald it hurt right now and you are no doubt angry as well but PLEASE make sure that no matter how angry and upset you are that you ALWAYS tell your children that mummy loves them even if the two of you cant live together. My children have never heard anything but good about their father ( difficult as he fractured my jaw, my head, several ribs and tried to cut my hand off in order to get my wedding ring off my finger ) but I have never regretted that decision. They are all grown up now, the youngest being 26 and they are NOT stupid ( they havent seen or heard from their father since the divorce and he has never paid any maintenance or sent them a single birthday card or present ) but they have told me how much easier it was for them that they never had to "side with " either of us and always felt that they could ask questions about their father when they wanted to without feeling that it would make me angry or upset.

They have no wish to have anything to do with him but they had to decide that for themselves as I was determined they would never hate him if I could help it ( it didnt work with my eldest child but he was at least able to accept that though I suffered I was happy I had married his father as I had the wonderful gift of my four children )

I am and will continue to pray for all of you as you go through this terrible time but there IS light at the end of the tunnel and you can be happy again and even learn to trust