peaceafire Posted March 22, 2007 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 119 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 2 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/18/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 01/18/1961 Share Posted March 22, 2007 I am a servant of the Lord and when I feel called to help others I usually don't question I just serve. The first to roll up my sleeves and clean a messy room or organize papers, whatever the need I try to do my best to fill it. I feel though that I have finally met a situation that I am unsure how to tackle. I look after 3 children from 2 different families in one of the family homes. All are unbeleivers, all 3 parents admit they are lousy housekeepers, clutterbugs and hourders. From the start I started by clearing the garbage and toys and clutter and books from the floors and tables, each day I would leave feeling like I had made a little progress, but the next day it would be the same again toys, garbage and food wherever. The mother of the child who lives in this house is potty training her boy we were all making great progress till one day when he made a number two mess on the bedroom floor, she screamed at him so loud and took away his reward syem that had been working and now he just goes wherever he wants whenever the urge comes upon him. It really seems like the two, him and his mom prefer the filth and the messes and have established some sense of control. I have tried speaking frankly and honestly with mom but she just gives lip service saying what I want to hear but not changing. I have tried encouragin g potty use every 15 minutes, and well I am melting down as yesterday we spent the whole day shampooing carpets and cleaning so we could do crafts today and nothing has changed camne back to a nother huge mess of clutter toys and garbage and potty waste. I just dont know what to do. any suggestions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
backontrack Posted March 22, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 139 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 1,213 Content Per Day: 0.18 Reputation: 185 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/10/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted March 22, 2007 I am a servant of the Lord and when I feel called to help others I usually don't question I just serve. The first to roll up my sleeves and clean a messy room or organize papers, whatever the need I try to do my best to fill it. I feel though that I have finally met a situation that I am unsure how to tackle. I look after 3 children from 2 different families in one of the family homes. All are unbeleivers, all 3 parents admit they are lousy housekeepers, clutterbugs and hourders. From the start I started by clearing the garbage and toys and clutter and books from the floors and tables, each day I would leave feeling like I had made a little progress, but the next day it would be the same again toys, garbage and food wherever. The mother of the child who lives in this house is potty training her boy we were all making great progress till one day when he made a number two mess on the bedroom floor, she screamed at him so loud and took away his reward syem that had been working and now he just goes wherever he wants whenever the urge comes upon him. It really seems like the two, him and his mom prefer the filth and the messes and have established some sense of control. I have tried speaking frankly and honestly with mom but she just gives lip service saying what I want to hear but not changing. I have tried encouragin g potty use every 15 minutes, and well I am melting down as yesterday we spent the whole day shampooing carpets and cleaning so we could do crafts today and nothing has changed camne back to a nother huge mess of clutter toys and garbage and potty waste. I just dont know what to do. any suggestions You are exaactally where Jesus would be if he were here! Love them and forget the mess. They will clean it up when they get right with Jesus. Hang in there just Love them. Peace be unto you and grace! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Floatingaxe Posted March 22, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 62 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 9,613 Content Per Day: 1.45 Reputation: 656 Days Won: 9 Joined: 03/11/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/31/1952 Share Posted March 22, 2007 You have a great opportunity for teaching as well, and I would suggest that you sit down over coffee with this mom, and ask if she minds you doing the cleaning that she can't get to. If she doesn't mind, then you can impress upon her how a thankless wife (or husband!) might feel when she puts forth an effort to please and bring order and the next thing it's just back to where it was! you can do that with humour and grace, as the Lord leads. Letting it go by is not being instructive, and as Christians, we have an obligation to lead. As she registers that you are less than pleased and yet you brought it forward with grace and love, she will begin to respect your efforts, and in that, she may put forth a bit of effort for her own home and family's sake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted March 22, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 540 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,878 Content Per Day: 5.04 Reputation: 23,599 Days Won: 228 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted March 22, 2007 Does the mum have a learning difficulty ? If not then you may be doing more harm than good by constantly "rescuing " her from the filth ...if it is possible could you try telling her in a very loving but firm way that you cannot work with the children in the conditions that are there at the moment as it is unsafe from the childrens health point of view ..you may need to establish some ground rules about what you will and will not clean up , arrive a little bit early and "inspect" and if there is "real filth" as opposed to just clutter then insist that she clean it properly before you take over ...I am not talking about clutter as different people have different ideas of what is acceptable clutter and what is not ..but dirt like you have described is just totally unacceptable if you are not all to become ill. I dont think it is a case of you not showing love by refusing to clean up after them ...they will never learn to do it themselves if you are always going to do it . It is different if they are really NOT capable for whatever reason of cleaning ( this could be because of learning difficulties/physical difficulties / emotional problems ) then you may need to take baby steps but in the end the mum IS responsible for her childs well being and if you are always doing it for her what happens when you are not there ? It is difficult to be more precise as we do not know all the circumstances but please remember that people need to do for themselves as much as possible if they are to learn by the experiences and far too often peole who try to help too much do more harm than good ...think of parents that do everything for a child and leave the child incapable of looking after themselves and ill prepared for life ...they may think they are helping but the ones who set boundries and insist on a child helping around the house etc are really the better parents....you need to be a good " parental figure " in the lives of this family praying for you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonard Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 115 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 8,281 Content Per Day: 1.12 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 03/03/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/30/1955 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Lady Peartree: YOU ARE SPOT ON! Cleaning up after them is enabling their unwholsomeness. This woman is ENDANGERING HER CHILD WITH THE UNSANITARY CONDITIONS. It is NOT Christian love to permit this sort of child neglect/abuse to go on......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
terter Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 14 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 473 Content Per Day: 0.07 Reputation: 2 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/14/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2007 (edited) A family wanted help so their home was cleaned top to bottom including their lawn. Within two weeks, it was the same way it was before it was cleaned. Though this is just one family - Edited March 23, 2007 by terter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymba22 Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 22 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 588 Content Per Day: 0.08 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/14/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 03/06/1967 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Does the mum have a learning difficulty ? If not then you may be doing more harm than good by constantly "rescuing " her from the filth ...if it is possible could you try telling her in a very loving but firm way that you cannot work with the children in the conditions that are there at the moment as it is unsafe from the childrens health point of view ..you may need to establish some ground rules about what you will and will not clean up , arrive a little bit early and "inspect" and if there is "real filth" as opposed to just clutter then insist that she clean it properly before you take over ...I am not talking about clutter as different people have different ideas of what is acceptable clutter and what is not ..but dirt like you have described is just totally unacceptable if you are not all to become ill. I dont think it is a case of you not showing love by refusing to clean up after them ...they will never learn to do it themselves if you are always going to do it . It is different if they are really NOT capable for whatever reason of cleaning ( this could be because of learning difficulties/physical difficulties / emotional problems ) then you may need to take baby steps but in the end the mum IS responsible for her childs well being and if you are always doing it for her what happens when you are not there ? It is difficult to be more precise as we do not know all the circumstances but please remember that people need to do for themselves as much as possible if they are to learn by the experiences and far too often peole who try to help too much do more harm than good ...think of parents that do everything for a child and leave the child incapable of looking after themselves and ill prepared for life ...they may think they are helping but the ones who set boundries and insist on a child helping around the house etc are really the better parents....you need to be a good " parental figure " in the lives of this family praying for you Perfect reply..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColleenLovesMischief Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 100 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 2,791 Content Per Day: 0.37 Reputation: 21 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/21/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 06/13/1977 Share Posted March 23, 2007 Some people do have a hard time keeping up with cleaning. I know I am one of them. Everytime I clean something up it seems I have a 9 yr old tearing it up behind me, and in all honesty you do hit a point that you give up. Does she possibly have depression problems? That can affect it as well. Yes now you ALL know I am a less than ample housekeeper. BTW my son will admit to enjoying messing it up and watching me go off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johni Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Members Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 45 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 02/28/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2007 This post brings back memories that are hard to deal with even now. I had 3 little boys, stairsteps in age. For 5 straight years I had at least one in diapers and twice it overlapped where I had two in diapers during that time period. My middle son was very difficult to potty train in a similar way. He didn't wet the bed or his clothes, but he would mess his pants. In fact, when he started to school I had to send spare clothes with him. Had him to the doctor etc...but no problem could be found. Also I could not keep up with the house when my kids were preschoolers. I lived a long ways from any of my family and my husband was trying to get a business off the ground so he really was no help at home. I think I nearly had a nervous breakdown during this time but I knew if I really LOST IT my family would be in big trouble. The house was a disaster, it was so bad it seemed like there was no point in trying. I was a Christian but I would not have dared had anyone over from the church. Once the phone man had to come inside the house and I was mortified but I didn't let it show or even apologize for the state of my house so he probably thought I didn't care. I survived two of those years just hanging on by my toenails. I agree that people need to do what they can for themselves but I also know what it is to feel like the house is a hopeless situation and to be so depressed that you give up making the attempts. My 3 boys were very active and strong-willed. Not a passive one int he bunch and I literally lost it with them a few times. I've thrown water on them, hit them with a electrical cord (believe me when I say spats with my hand or even a belt did not phase one of them). I've sat and cried with them and yelled at them and slapped them. These are things my parents NEVER did to me. I just had a couple of years when I was so out of my depth that I couldn't see how it would ever get better. I'm just saying all this to say moms of little kids need support so badly. We had a very tight financial situation during that time and I could not afford to have any help. As I said, my husband was gone almost all the time. Well, it did get better! I finally pulled myself up by the boot straps and found a friend in my neighborhood who was being just as disfunctional as me but we joined forces for moral support. She had one little girl who was two and after her story about how difficult her labor and delivery was I learned that she was not even the little girls mom, but the stepmom! (told you she was disfunctional!) Still it helped to have a shoulder to cry on. By the way, I left my three sons with a young women one day (she had one small child). About the only outing I can remember taking, and when I picked them up she was literally in tears. It was literally that bad, you can't make this stuff up! Well, after the worst two years were over, several things helped make the change for the better...the boys got older, I got a little better organized, my husband became more helpful at home, I started reading some things that gave me good information on dealing with my little ones in a better way. I think it was about then that I found Dr Dobson's book on the raising kids. By the time the boys were all in grade school I think we were having fun as a family and enjoying each other. My house was still pretty messy at times but not quite so far gone and seemed like I could deal with it better. Maybe I was maturing too. I had several women from the church scold me about my kids. One lady told me off because my 4 year old got into her purse but she was the one who was always giving him gum out of her purse so he just thought thats where the gum was! And some others made remarks about how rowdy my boys were etc. One woman even said to me "whats the matter, don't you believe in birth control?" I would say the church was no help at all to me during that time except for one sweet lady. She was in her 50's and had no children of her own. She was so sweet that it almost makes me cry to think of her. always patient, always smiling, always encouraging. She gave me things, offered encouragement and continued to tell me what a beautiful family I had. Always noticing good things about my boys and saying things like 'he is so clever for his age' or 'he looks so cute in that outfit' just always positive... Well my boys have done well, they were all potty trained by high school Okay, before then! they are all college educated and one has a doctorate in pharmacy. They are wonderful Christain men with lovely families of their own now and they even still love their mom. How amazing! I just wanted to share this because I know young moms can be overwhelmed. Not to mention so many who are single moms. Love all you moms, and moms helpers. Bless you all and may the Lord reward you for all you do! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted March 23, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 540 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 32,878 Content Per Day: 5.04 Reputation: 23,599 Days Won: 228 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted March 23, 2007 I am sorry if I have upset anyone with my reply ..I do know what it is like as I brought up 4 children who were very close in age ( just 17 months between the first 2 ) and I was on my own after escaping from a very violent and abusive husband ...I also did say if you read it it is difficult to give solid advice without knowing more ..I also said if the mum has learning/ physical /emotional difficulties then a different approach may be needed . Clutter and "mess" is normal and even healthy when you have children around as an overly tidy and "sterile" home doesn't help a child to develop inquisitive and creative minds ..BUT a house full of faeces on the floor is in NO WAY a safe environment for a child I now have a house full of toys and paintings and clutter from the next generation and I am happy for anyone to come and visit ...if they dont like the "mess" a child makes when they are playing then stay away but I wouldnt call filth "just a mess" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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