grace222 Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 29 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 99 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 12 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/17/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted November 21, 2007 My husband and I are involved in prison ministry and we have sponsored a young man. He sometimes spends some weekends in our home. So far, it's been ok, but there has been some issues which have burdened me. He comes out on weekend release and he is a christian. He sometimes wants some of his friends to come to our home to visit him. I would prefer it they visit him in prison. We have allowed him on some occasions to have friends over, but it has never ever worked that well. On his last visit here, we noticed there were numerous phone calls made - lots of calls to cell phones, long distance and one overseas. On this particular day he had a girl from his church here so we don't know if he made the calls or not. I told my husband that I am not happy with him wanting his friends here. He can come here and we can take him out on three-hourly visits but this is not a Club where he can have his friends just drop by. So, my husband tells me now, that he wants to invite a woman here on the weekend, who is probably in her late 30's. He is 26 years of age. She is engaged to a fellow prisoner. I am not happy with this. I don't want anyone else here in our home - period, but I am concerned that he wants to be with a woman who is engaged. When his friends have come we have given them space and time out. Do, we as christians, have the right to tell him that it is wrong to be alone or want to spend time with another christian woman who is engaged. I know I wouldn't have wanted my husband to be with a woman when we were first engaged. thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
damo1 Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 29 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,822 Content Per Day: 0.29 Reputation: 19 Days Won: 0 Joined: 05/23/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/16/1967 Share Posted November 21, 2007 damo1 high grace i read your post you left and i feel i can be off some help 1 can you and your husband say afford a second hand caravan or do you know some one that can lend you a caravan ? or if not a caravan a demountable like used on industrial sights for offices my friend did this he bought one put stove and kitchen in it put carpet and this is used for his parents when they viset as the house is full with his kids the demountables do not cost much this wil solve a lot of stress grace he wil have his own space and his own key and that means you can lock your house when you both go out how wel can his friends be trusted this is the question you need to be asking grace also stock the caravan or demountable up with things he wil need and put like a 34 cm tv with portable stereo when he wants to use the shower or toilet he can only use this when you are their or your husband is their 2 with the other problem about him seeing some one who is involved already and with another inmate i would say talk this out with him and get him to brake it off or you stop his weekends with you make it as simple as this use some tuff love trust me with inmates this works as some inmates see christians as simple targest as they know people wil feel sorry for them this is your home i know your husband is involved in prison ministry and you loves reaching out but when it comes to your own space and your own home you lay down the rules and do not be scared when you do this tel him you do not mind him seeing some one but not a women who is already seeing a man as its hard for men when they have been locked up for a long time grace and he does need to be able to communicate with females as being with men can be to much i think i know wear he is comming from i am worried for him as i have seen what happens once this gets out he wil get hurt very bad as this happend in the prison farm i was staying in grace the women that was cheeting behind her partners back knowing that he would not know she cheeted behind her partners back for 1yr the guy she was seeing on the out side got busted big time then he ended up in the same prison farm and the womens partner inside already found out and he hurt the guy that was seeing his partner very bad as he opend his mouth it got back to this guy and it does hapen grace if you say he is a christian than he should know this is wrong and when you and your husband talk to him he needs to know he is in the wrong also with the ph calls he is making can you and your husband say afford to buy him a pree paid mobil ph they do not cost much and he wil have to be responsible for the calls he makes when he goes back inside the ph stays with you and your husband as they are not allowed to have mobil ph in jail and he wil know the rules you can get them from post office or teltra shop you can also put a pin on your ph you wil have to ring the company you are with set this up with them and they wil do the rest and you do not give out the pin to the home ph i know it can be hard when you open up your home like this but i am sure god wil also bless you and your husband this is like a learning curb for you both while i was staying with edwin and victoria they learnt a lot from me and when i moved on they oppend up their home to many diffrent people to wear they wear taking on uni students who need some wear to stay i hope this helps god bless from damien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Afal Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 60 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 2,249 Content Per Day: 0.36 Reputation: 3 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/12/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted November 21, 2007 I think that as it is your home, that you are entitled to put 'boundaries' on what you consider acceptable while he is visiting you. Whenever we stay in somebody else's house, there are always boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Normally these do not need to be stated, but if they are being ignored and/or misunderstood, then you do need to sit down and discuss them with this man. I also think that it is inappropriate for him to be spending time with this engaged lady. That is a NO! NO! in my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isa Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 10 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 280 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 23 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/15/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/03/1965 Share Posted November 21, 2007 Hi Grace, I am affraid if he is a christian he should not be inviting someone elses girlfriend into your home in the first place to spend time with her and if she is a christian she should not spend time like this with anyone but her fiance'. Plus this is your house you have to set rules otherwise you will find that this person may take over your house hold and that would not be nice. A fiend of mine told me once about a couple who use to go to a church and they had no place to go so the church asked an elderly lady who was widowed if she would like to take them in. She took them in and within a short time 1yr or so this couple were threatning her life and she was chased out of her own home and she was so upset she was going to catch a train to her sisters place and stay there. But whilst waiting for the train she died of heart failure. How terrible this was I said to my friend. He said this church had done this sort of thing not once but a number of times and each time was with different couples but each time it worked out bad for the elderly person. I believe you need to be careful when you allow even christians in to your home like that because some can be wolves dressed up in sheeps clothing. I am not saying this person is like that but I am saying be careful. And that is coming from an ex prison officer and your family in christ . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetycakes Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 8 Topic Count: 162 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 7,840 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 2,101 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/21/2005 Status: Online Birthday: 03/23/1964 Share Posted November 21, 2007 My husband and I are involved in prison ministry and we have sponsored a young man. He sometimes spends some weekends in our home. So far, it's been ok, but there has been some issues which have burdened me. He comes out on weekend release and he is a christian. He sometimes wants some of his friends to come to our home to visit him. I would prefer it they visit him in prison. We have allowed him on some occasions to have friends over, but it has never ever worked that well. On his last visit here, we noticed there were numerous phone calls made - lots of calls to cell phones, long distance and one overseas. On this particular day he had a girl from his church here so we don't know if he made the calls or not. I told my husband that I am not happy with him wanting his friends here. He can come here and we can take him out on three-hourly visits but this is not a Club where he can have his friends just drop by. So, my husband tells me now, that he wants to invite a woman here on the weekend, who is probably in her late 30's. He is 26 years of age. She is engaged to a fellow prisoner. I am not happy with this. I don't want anyone else here in our home - period, but I am concerned that he wants to be with a woman who is engaged. When his friends have come we have given them space and time out. Do, we as christians, have the right to tell him that it is wrong to be alone or want to spend time with another christian woman who is engaged. I know I wouldn't have wanted my husband to be with a woman when we were first engaged. thanks. I would say that you are quite right to make a stand on these grounds. First off, regarding your sponsoring of the young man.........you are already 'going out on a limb', and doing more than most people would by having him in your home.......so you should NOT have to put up with his buddies coming along to visit as well. Secondly, as a wife, you should have an equal say in what goes on in your household, whether it be male or female visitors. Your home is your own private space. And if you do not feel comfortable with such 'invasions'.......you should stand your ground. Why do I say this? Because your home is the last refuge, on this earth, where you can retreat from all the 'hustle and bustle' of life and it's troubles. If this retreat is 'invaded' or taken away from you, where else do you have the chance to just 'be yourself' and 'get away from it all'? I think that you should make this perfectly clear to your husband. That's my opinion, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LightofJesus Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 362 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 2 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/19/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/04/1955 Share Posted November 21, 2007 First of all, what kind of friends are they? Are they friends that he had before he was in prison? If so he should not be associating with them. He needs Christian friends and more teaching of his new life. Limits and structure is what he needs if he wants the new life the Lord has for him. Also this woman needs to stay away, flags are going up everywhere here. All that needs to happen is for him to do one little thing that will cause for him to slip into the lifestyle he was living before. His whole environment needs to be restructured for change. This is not for him to make the rules here, he is on your turf and you make the rules and if he cannot stick to them then he needs to stay behind the bars until he can!!! This is my opinion! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grace222 Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Junior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 29 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 99 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 12 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/17/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted November 21, 2007 Wow - you are such great and wise friends - what such good counsel! I totally agree with you! Amen. Damon, I think your idea is great, but as you might already know, he cannot be left alone. He wears a ankle brace which is like a tracker with the prison. He can't leave our home on his own and we cannot leave him to be on his own. We have a security officer pop in our home at any time to do RBT and other checks. But, that's great advice. I agree with what everyone has said here. I am very concerned about him being alone with a woman about to be married. All the people that visit him are christians, but some of them still seem to take advantage of our hospitality - staying late and taking over in some ways. As an older christian, I feel as though he shouldn't be alone with a woman - period. In a group situation, it's different. Thanks again for your Godly counsel. GRACE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetycakes Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 8 Topic Count: 162 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 7,840 Content Per Day: 1.13 Reputation: 2,101 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/21/2005 Status: Online Birthday: 03/23/1964 Share Posted November 21, 2007 So far, it's been ok, but there has been some issues which have burdened me. That sentence in itself should be enough for a concerned and loving husband to take into account his wife's (life's partner's) view, in my opinion. A wife should NOT be burdened by the activities of her husband. This is an equal partnership. If one party feels uncomfortable with things as they are, they should both be willing to concede to the other one's feelings. Marriage (and responsibility to your spouse), comes before any outside influence, in my view. Other relationships are temporary and transient. Marriage is for life. Speak to your husband, and make your concerns clear to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tsth Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 297 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 5,586 Content Per Day: 0.69 Reputation: 193 Days Won: 1 Joined: 04/09/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted November 21, 2007 Dear grace222, Anything that YOU would not do, should not be done in YOUR home. That is the boundary that is reasonable for ANYONE in your home. If it is wrong for you, it is wrong for him, IN YOUR HOME. Not to mention that if the man in prison, she is engaged to, gets wind, he may see you and your husband as partners in approving this, and this opens up a resentment and problems toward you that should not be. In His Love, Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunterpoet Posted November 21, 2007 Group: Removed from Forums for Breaking Terms of Service Followers: 0 Topic Count: 128 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 2,704 Content Per Day: 0.44 Reputation: 25 Days Won: 1 Joined: 05/29/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/08/1950 Share Posted November 21, 2007 The engaged women is promised to another man...and if he is in prison, she is dealing with things and need not be confused or tempted. I'm of the opinion that we are, our brothers keeper, in that we are held responsible for what we do that causes another to sin. I would not want to be the responsible party to any such goings on as you have described. I think maybe it might be a good idea to pass this fellow buy the next time he is scheduled for a visit, sounds like he may very well be taking advantage of a good thing and needs to lose it in order to put things in perspective. It will also give you the oppourtunity to see how he reacts to not being able to come to your home. I pray G-ds cousel for you and your husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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