Looking for advice, help, opinion.

[Aleksander]

was in the same way (i) ... i kept praying for a mission (my warrior personality) then god lead me to a bible story (truth)about this dude who had lepersy and went to a profit who told him to go wash in the jordan 3 times if i can remember right ,,, but this dude was a great warrior and was put off by just washing himself in the river ,,, but one of his servants told the dude ,,, hey man if the profit had said to go do a mighty work for your cure you would have done it so whats up ?go jump in the river (not qiute the same words but ya get the point ) i had to think on this when i was shown it (ya know how verses lite up) and it put me in a frame of mind that helping a local person with his problems tho it looks small was what i was supposed do ,,, food pantry stuff ,,, youth groups ,,, ect.ect. what seemed small has grown so big tho ,,, we got 2 scholarship mission trips awarded to us this year backed by a church we dont even know(god bless em) ya see skyscapers are built one brick at a time,,, any way thats how it went with me ,,,you may be lead in a different way ,,, im sure the answer will come love in christ arrow from god (jim)

Yeah, I remember that story. God bless Sunday school and Christian parents.

Thanks for trying to help.

Dear Aleksander,

This is just assumption on my part, but maybe you're jumping around too much. Maybe you need to see some of these things through, rather than trying to change your circumstances. I see this happen so much. People are not willing to let God finish a work. Instead due to impatience or discomfort, they force circumstances to change, when they should have waited it out, even though uncomfortable, and let God finish it.

I don't know your circumstances, but that's what I was lead to post, so I did.

I will remember you in my prayers today.

In His Love,

Suzanne

Thats probably it. I dont know myself that well to be honest, but I do know I have been an impatient person all my life. Still am, sadly. Thats doesnt help though; I guess I am still too (upset? I donno)) to feel better. Like I said before, I am all for growing up spiritually through hardships... but I am wiped out, or almost wiped out, and dont have the audacity to ask God for anything anymore, it seems.

[LIVN4JC]

My dear brother in Christ. I don't know why the Lord lead me to your post or even understand how I may be of help. I have truly felt what you are feeling. I got fired from a church (yeah a church) on August 14, 2008. My heart just broke into zillions of pieces. I was already living with my daughter and her family because of my foolishness and mistakes. (She was helping me to get debts straightened out). I had my debts taken care of and was looking for my own place again when BAM!! No job. (nother story all together) I am still without a job and going back and forth from my sisters house to my daughters house. I am being fed and housed by them. No gifts have I been able to give for birthdays. I was given many ideas from brothers and sisters in Christ here on Christmas presents I could give from just around the house. Thank you and many blessings to all for that. But forgive me I do wander at times.... I guess what I am lead to say is I know you want to give up on God. But please don't. I wanted to also. I look at this as a resting place. Maybe the Lord has a different kind of plan for me. I want to write and maybe this is His way of saying go for it. I don't know but I won't stop praying or asking Him for guidance. Please take heart dear brother. God is there just waiting for you. His arms are wide open and He is patiently loving you all the while. It is hard. I know it is. I am not making light of your situation. I don't know about you but I just wanted the world to open up and swallow me for I have had a few bad years lately and this was the icing on the cake. I am like ok God thanks a whole heap. But He did get through to me. Just by His patience. I know there is no one who can love me like He can. He has plans for us brother. Never doubt that. Read His word. Talk to Him. Tell Him your mad. He knows it already. Yell and scream. He wants you to. Then He can heal you totally. He wants to bless you. I sit and wait with baited breath for whatever He has planned for me. When He shows it oh what a joyous day it will be. Just think He believes in you brother. He knows you are strong. What a blessing that is. I hope this helps you some. I follow it with a prayer.

Lord Father God, I lift up this brother in prayer. He is hurting and unsure. Tell him show him You are still there loving him all through this. Reward him when he seeks You out. Give back to him his faith and trust in You dear Lord. Bless him with a job and may it bring You all the glory and honor that is rightfully Yours. Lord we don't understand why these things happen and it truly hurts. I trust in You Father God. I trust You will hear and answer all the prayers for this brother. Thank you for the storms and the joys each. Thank you for the gift of Your Son. May showers of blessings rain down on him now in his life, ease his troubles. Give him peace. Hold him in Your arms dear Lord. Thank you Lord Jesus. In Christs name. Amen.

Lovin ya brother

In His Hands,

MeMa

Anne

[RebekahDavid]

"I look at this as a resting place"

beautiful post mema

praying in agreement with mema for you aleksander.

love your sister in Christ,

Rebekah David

[pilla]

[ Maybe I dwell too much on the past and should just get up, dust off the failures, and keep going with reneved faith and determination?

[Aleksander]

Thanks everyone for your prayer. To be honest though my ability to be happy is comatose now. So is my faith that all this is for the better and or will change for the better any time soon. I am loosing all but hope. I am not giving up on God or His things, I am just too tired and beat up. I heard people say "apathy is a [cencored]" before but I couldnt get what they mean; now I do.

I am not completely apathetic, but now I get what they meant. I hope everyone everywhere just stops telling me that things are good and will change for the bettet soon, I heard it all before. Instead, I just want things to change for the better soon. Hope dies last... hope is all I have now, I think. I am affraid that hope alone is not enough to get me out of this mess though and I have to resurrect my faith and all that before my prayers are answered here in this world, not just in Heaven(I know in Heaven they get answered right away, but there seems to be a delay between the realms).

I am torn between going back to work to pay off the [cencored] debt OR going back to school. No one has the same answer to that question. And the fact that I am a loner(yeah, it hurts to admit, but I am) and lonely is not helping. I suppose God is crying right now about when will I finally 'get' this whatever lesson that I am suppose to learn from this... I dont know, I guess I am all too lazy and or too dumb.

I guess in the past 5 years of my Christian walk I have not been progressing as fast as I should have been and now is the time to catch up, make up for 3 years of slow to no progress. Too bad this growing up spiritualy has to be accompanied by so much pain and has to be so much a problem. I am all for growing through temptations, trails and such... but not this much at once.

I appreciate God helping me to take on more that I can handle myself and push me to the limits and that His grace is sufficient... but I wish for some slow down time now, some of that "He makes me lie down in green pastures," thing David was talking about... Whats the waiting period for "Call to Me and I will answer you..." ?

How long before I can leave behing this planet and go home? Hurry and come and get me LORD. Hurry please. "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?"

I am ever so curious as to who will benefit from this? I know his is not just all about me; someone will come along that I will have to help them and this experience will be just what I needed to make sure that I am able to help them as God desires me to help them... I am just curious as to who, where, when, how and why did it have to be me. "O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are His judgments, and His ways past finding out!"

"My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? why art Thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?

O my God, I cry in the day time, but Thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent."

Edited January 7, 2009 by Aleksander

[Aleksander]

Update:

Thanks everyone for your prayers. I think I am a lot better now and thank God! I am glad its over(or seems to be over soon).

I finally got a car I can drive(after getting a new battery that is). Replace tires, fix some sort of mechanical problem and it'll be all set(aside from that, a paint job might be nice, but not a must). Any car that runs, this one does once the battery is replaced, is better than no car.

I have to say, after all that has happened, my relationship with God is better than it was. I am not as afraid of some things as I was before, more sure of His promises. A rather painful way it was to re-learn that God is always faithful and as He promises, never will leave you and wants His children to be honest with Him, trusting and open to a possibility to serve Him in a way(s) that one may not necessarily like.

Not to get a source of steady income, clean up some rather annoying and painful financial messes and move on.

I am glad to be alive, in good health and somewhat refreshed. Thank You LORD!

[yesult]

Hey aleksander. Thanks for the update. I'm sorry I missed this because I can completly relate to what you're saying. As well as the well meaning and kind advice of other christians who just have no concept of what you're actually going through. The amount of times I've put my hope in things they've said, and fallen back in the mess again, just because they don't understand what's actually happening. (Unless they've been through it themselves.)

If it's any consolation. From what I've seen, it's generally the mark of a person with a big calling on their life because they're willing to let God pummel the stuffing out of them for righteousness sake. God will take us as far as we'll let him. And a person who has the capacity to let him take a lot will be able to give it in the future.

The bible says that unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, it cannot produce a harvest.

And I'm not trying to be arrogant or patronising to other christians here, but it is a higher call. And the cost is very real.

Glad you're feeling in a better place now. If it's any consolation, many patriachs struggled with despair. David gave up after running round the wilderness, fleeing from saul. The scripture records that eventually he said to himself that Saul was just going to kill him anyway, so he defected to the philistines with his men. He was lining up in the army to fight against israel when the king forbid him from going. Whether he would have actually fought against his own people or just turned on the philistines mid-battle at the last minute to be wiped out is unknown. What is recorded is that Saul was killed shortly afterwards and David became king. But he gave up. Abrahem laughed at God when God appeared the second time to tell him he'd have a son (check it) as did sarah. At least sarah did it behind a curtain. Abraham did it to Gods face. Moses was so discouraged when God finally appeared to him at the burning bush that he just wanted God to send someone else. And this was a man who had spent the first 40 years of his life in the royal family of the most powerful nation on earth. Job was righteous and yet look what God did to him! Even satan couldn't find fault with him when he was arguing with God about him.

Even jesus asked that 'this cup might be passed from me' - but he accepted Gods will in the situation.

I remember saying to someone recently who had a big calling on their life and was really suffering - that if the waves send you tumbling over the reef and you're getting washingmachined and pounded. Just be real about it. Scream all the way if you want to. To keep the truth suppressed because other people don't get it, can just put you in denial or shut down your trust.

Also the more noise you make, the more prayer you'll get. And prayer is so important in these times. Our own and others.

Hope that helps, and stay strong!

God bless

[Aleksander]

While I do feel better, to be honest, I am not that exited about this bigger calling you mentioned. It usually, and in my opinion most likely, means going where I don't want to go, do things I don't want to do and everything else like that. I am sure that's not what God wants to hear me say, but this bigger calling and that I have to deal with so much before I get to it, it doesn't exactly boost my confidence or encourage me.

To confess something: at one point I struggle with the thought that I've committed the unforgivable sin. That was a pain.

Now, just yesterday, I got a little too honest with God during my usual out loud rant and complained how the work that Jesus is doing before the Father right now being my Defender is not good enough. I am not happy with myself because of that. I am rather upset and disappointed because even though He is doing it for me, I still have to deal with devil challenging my honesty before God(like its described in the story of Job) and God, even though He knows that the devil is a liar or tells half-truths, God still allows times in my life where I am tested to show the devil and heavens that the devil indeed lied about me. I guess I don't like to be called a liar. I know this all sound big; I myself am not happy that this happened to me and that I allowed things into my life that would lead to this. I've been on my knees and confessed all this to God. I am sure I am forgiven as God promised I would be if I confess my sins, but I still get the feeling that this is not over and the consequences of what I said will be felt for some time. And that my conscience doesn't seem to be satisfied and clear, yet. The fact that after this I cannot seem to be sincere in my songs of praise seems to be an indication that I am not out of the woods yet.

Honestly, I am disappointed that all this is happening, so fast and so much at a time. And that God won't answer my prayer the way I want Him to. I am dealing with WAY more that I thought I could or wanted to. The mere thought of how serious things that I do are, I am rather surprised that God would allow it to happen. He could have kept me from getting that far, but He didn't. I appreciate His trust that was put into this, but I am not comfortable dealing with all this, especially because some of these thing are so serious. Its amazing that He would allow so much and trust me to handle all this. Yes, I rely on Him to provide the way out and the strength to get through. But I do not feel comfortable knowing that I hanging on by a hair off a steep cliff, even if He is holding that other end of the hair. Sure, He has no intentions of letting go and as long as He is holding the hair I don't have to worry about the hair snapping. I don't want to let go of the hair either. But I don't want to be hanging off this cliff. God forgive me for this. But there is so much a human can take and it appears my limits are not as high as I expected them to be(though I am don't think I reached the limits yet).

I wish to stop disappointing everyone and disappointing God by sinning. The only ways to do that seem to be death, coma or more painful experiences that teach me to avoid this or that sin or change my wrong attitudes. Last thing I want right now is more painful experiences and death is not how God will be praised in my life. Between the rock and a hard place with seemingly no way out. Don't want to have to choose between two bitter tasting meals with no option for third.

I know its not time for me to go. I know I want to live to experience some things that life has to offer. I know I am not done with my work on this here earth. But I don't want to live in pain anymore.

Anyway, I guess that's it for this long rant. Now to get to doing taxes(haven't done them yet), get to finish working on the car to get it running properly and register it, and move on to working on fulfilling some promises that I have not fulfilled yet.

Keep me in your prayers guys.

[darkest_red]

And that God won't answer my prayer the way I want Him to. I am dealing with WAY more that I thought I could or wanted to.

God forgive me for this. But there is so much a human can take and it appears my limits are not as high as I expected them to be(though I am don't think I reached the limits yet).

You know, I think at some point most people feel like they are dealing with way more than they can. But the fact is, you are dealing with it...and that would surely prove that you can? You admit yourself you don't think you have reached the limit yet.

No one likes to feel that way, no one wants to feel that way and it is sooo much easier to say it than to believe it, but God really wouldn't give you more than you can handle. And as He knows you, He knows your limits better than anyone, even yourself.

Honestly, I'm struggling with some extremely similar feelings myself at the moment (if you ever want to talk or anything, feel free to PM me) and I keep telling myself just what I've written above....it's never as easy to convince yourself of something like that than it is to convince yourself that you've reached your limit and can go no further. Sometimes you just have to keep on pushing, because that's all we really have.

I have every faith that God will deliver you from these feelings, just as He will me, but it will be on His terms and, whether we see it or not, that is for the best.

I'm sorry I can't do more for you, because I honestly know exactly how you feel.

[Aleksander]

While I do feel better, to be honest, I am not that exited about this bigger calling you mentioned. It usually, and in my opinion most likely, means going where I don't want to go, do things I don't want to do and everything else like that. I am sure that's not what God wants to hear me say, but this bigger calling and that I have to deal with so much before I get to it, it doesn't exactly boost my confidence or encourage me.

This part here, God showed me that its not right mindset to have. Something else to be change about myself if I want to be a servant of God.

To confess something: at one point I struggle with the thought that I've committed the unforgivable sin. That was a pain. Now, just yesterday, I got a little too honest with God during my usual out loud rant and complained how the work that Jesus is doing before the Father right now being my Defender is not good enough. I am not happy with myself because of that. I am rather upset and disappointed because even though He is doing it for me, I still have to deal with devil challenging my honesty before God(like its described in the story of Job) and God, even though He knows that the devil is a liar or tells half-truths, God still allows times in my life where I am tested to show the devil and heavens that the devil indeed lied about me. I guess I don't like to be called a liar. I know this all sound big; I myself am not happy that this happened to me and that I allowed things into my life that would lead to this. I've been on my knees and confessed all this to God. I am sure I am forgiven as God promised I would be if I confess my sins, but I still get the feeling that this is not over and the consequences of what I said will be felt for some time. And that my conscience doesn't seem to be satisfied and clear, yet. The fact that after this I cannot seem to be sincere in my songs of praise seems to be an indication that I am not out of the woods yet.

Alright so I had an opportunity to confess this before the whole church and I feel a lot better now. I am actually brave enough now to take the microphone and sing and be honest and know that it will be a praise that God will accept.

Also, this experience has been very humbling. Shame on me that this much had to happen before a significant progress was made in dealing with my pride and unwillingness to do things for God and be the kind of servant He wants me to be.

Honestly, I am disappointed that all this is happening, so fast and so much at a time. And that God won't answer my prayer the way I want Him to. I am dealing with WAY more that I thought I could or wanted to. The mere thought of how serious things that I do are, I am rather surprised that God would allow it to happen. He could have kept me from getting that far, but He didn't. I appreciate His trust that was put into this, but I am not comfortable dealing with all this, especially because some of these thing are so serious. Its amazing that He would allow so much and trust me to handle all this. Yes, I rely on Him to provide the way out and the strength to get through. But I do not feel comfortable knowing that I hanging on by a hair off a steep cliff, even if He is holding that other end of the hair. Sure, He has no intentions of letting go and as long as He is holding the hair I don't have to worry about the hair snapping. I don't want to let go of the hair either. But I don't want to be hanging off this cliff. God forgive me for this. But there is so much a human can take and it appears my limits are not as high as I expected them to be(though I am don't think I reached the limits yet).

This is another thing that God wants me to change about myself. And another thing to be sorry about and change.

I wish to stop disappointing everyone and disappointing God by sinning. The only ways to do that seem to be death, coma or more painful experiences that teach me to avoid this or that sin or change my wrong attitudes. Last thing I want right now is more painful experiences and death is not how God will be praised in my life. Between the rock and a hard place with seemingly no way out. Don't want to have to choose between two bitter tasting meals with no option for third.

I did fail to mention that there is a forth option: willful decision to do as God says out of gratitude and love, not because I feel I have to because I am in debt to Him. Its easier to do it now compared to before. Guess its a question of 'when' not 'if' .

Keep me in your prayers guys. And thanks.