Need a bit of advice

[cymba22]

I'm sure this is sound like a broken record to some, by now.

But anywho, here's the reader's digest version:

I have been in a long distance relationship with a young woman for 3 years now. I recently came to the Lord 5 or so months ago. My mother is Christian, Sara's (the young woman's) mother and father are Christian as well. As I've been growing, life has become much more meaningful, and I've pondered the things of God. The most relevant in my life in the moment is marriage.

Now I am 18, Sara is 17 (18 in May).

I am blessed beyond measure that both my mother and her mother have been tolerant of our relationship, and allowed us to see eachother, and so on and so forth.

So, as you can imagine with the facts in place, both mothers, by their conservative and protective natures, are going to be pretty edgy on the subject of marriage.

Keep in mind here that Sara is very concerned about her future, and is concerned about college.

Her mother has said 'If you get married, all bets are off for college,' ergo 'If you marry that kid, I won't pay for your education.' She may have grand intentions for her daughter, but I feel that something in that statement is very wrong.

Also keep in mind that Sara's mother seems to have some issues acting godly when irritated, possibly has control issues (I don't see the father taking spiritual leader).

I got an idea to start sending emails to Sara, Sara's mother, and my mother to edify them and help them grow. The ultimate goal is to illuminate their way, and show them the big picture, and then panultimately, show Sara's mother that her actions are not godly, and dare I say, marriage is more important than what she wants for her daughter.

The big idea is to build a good relationship. I fear now that if I were to talk to her about marriage, she'd get irritated and rude. "I'm her mom, she's my daughter, and that's not your place to do such and such." That's speculation, but from what I've seen, she does have some weakness in the control department.

I'm kinda rambling here, but the big point is this: What do some mothers here think? How should approach this, or am I doing the right thing?

Fathers, brothers, daughters, feel free to answer as well.

God bless.

ok...you asked...can you swallow the truth...going by your response to one poster ...I doubt it.

First of all

how dare you presume to teach any parent about parenting when you are not one

Second it sounds more like you have control issues not her mother...her mother is not falling all over you and you cannot seem to understand why not...this is why not...

you have a bad attitude when things do not go the way you want...you have made that more than clear with your snide comments about her monther...yes they are snide...they show absolutly no respect for someone who might one day be her son in law...it is for you to show respect to her first not the other way around.

There is nothing wrong with her not paying for her daughters education if her daughter marries you...as head of the house it would then fall to you to pay for it...its called taking responsiblity for your actioins...its a consiquence something her mom is trying to install...which btw is very very good parenting!!! not to mention very very good christian parenting.

Saras mother does not have issues getting irritated and acting ungodly at all...that is just yoru view of an adult saying no to you or cautioning you or trying to show that you have to take responsiblity for your actions...and you dont like being told that...that has come across loud and clear.

as for..The ultimate goal is to illuminate their way, and show them the big picture, and then panultimately, show Sara's mother that her actions are not godly

illuminate their way? from someone whose been a christian for 5 months...oh please...you couldn't even work out that saras mom was showing you what consiquences of being head of household was! you have no hope of illuminating their way when yours isn't! as for showing saras mum her actions are not godly...look in the mirror sunshine!

and as for marriage is more important than what she wants for her daughter.

why? because you said so?

I have a 17 year old daughter and based on your message her alone I would not come close to allowing her to marry you....until you saw the big picture...and this is you are not in charge and when and if you become in charge then you have to take responsiblity for things...e.g pay for your wifes education!

There are a lot more things more important than marriage!

There are a lot more things more important than you....and saras mother knows this....due to your young and inexperianced age...you don't.

you say How should approach this...try meeting them in person...you would be in for a shock...e-mailing someone and having to face them are 2 different things.

am I doing the right thing...not by a long shot.

You need to learn ALL the ins and outs about marriage...not just the palatable ones first...I suggest a long hard chat with your pastor....an apology e-mail or two to your mothers for daring to presume to 'illuminate; them and one to saras mother for the insults! I would then strongly advise you to get to know saras father...who has probably kept out of this because he sees it for what it is...which has nothing to do with his spiritual maturity...its lot to do with being a parent!

Perhaps when you can start showing respect for both sets of parents...that would be a good start...until then...don't bother.

[pokemaughan]

ok...you asked...can you swallow the truth...going by your response to one poster ...I doubt it.

First of all

how dare you presume to teach any parent about parenting when you are not one

Second it sounds more like you have control issues not her mother...her mother is not falling all over you and you cannot seem to understand why not...this is why not...

you have a bad attitude when things do not go the way you want...you have made that more than clear with your snide comments about her monther...yes they are snide...they show absolutly no respect for someone who might one day be her son in law...it is for you to show respect to her first not the other way around.

There is nothing wrong with her not paying for her daughters education if her daughter marries you...as head of the house it would then fall to you to pay for it...its called taking responsiblity for your actioins...its a consiquence something her mom is trying to install...which btw is very very good parenting!!! not to mention very very good christian parenting.

Saras mother does not have issues getting irritated and acting ungodly at all...that is just yoru view of an adult saying no to you or cautioning you or trying to show that you have to take responsiblity for your actions...and you dont like being told that...that has come across loud and clear.

as for..The ultimate goal is to illuminate their way, and show them the big picture, and then panultimately, show Sara's mother that her actions are not godly

illuminate their way? from someone whose been a christian for 5 months...oh please...you couldn't even work out that saras mom was showing you what consiquences of being head of household was! you have no hope of illuminating their way when yours isn't! as for showing saras mum her actions are not godly...look in the mirror sunshine!

and as for marriage is more important than what she wants for her daughter.

why? because you said so?

I have a 17 year old daughter and based on your message her alone I would not come close to allowing her to marry you....until you saw the big picture...and this is you are not in charge and when and if you become in charge then you have to take responsiblity for things...e.g pay for your wifes education!

There are a lot more things more important than marriage!

There are a lot more things more important than you....and saras mother knows this....due to your young and inexperianced age...you don't.

you say How should approach this...try meeting them in person...you would be in for a shock...e-mailing someone and having to face them are 2 different things.

am I doing the right thing...not by a long shot.

You need to learn ALL the ins and outs about marriage...not just the palatable ones first...I suggest a long hard chat with your pastor....an apology e-mail or two to your mothers for daring to presume to 'illuminate; them and one to saras mother for the insults! I would then strongly advise you to get to know saras father...who has probably kept out of this because he sees it for what it is...which has nothing to do with his spiritual maturity...its lot to do with being a parent!

Perhaps when you can start showing respect for both sets of parents...that would be a good start...until then...don't bother.

Well I guess I didn't explain myself well enough!

The big point is to work on becoming a bigger leader, and to build a better relationship with her parents, instead of being just 'that one boy she likes'.

I'm a disciple at the moment, and I've been doing studies on pride and our purpose here. My leader put it simply, "What are your interests?" (to get married) "What are her mother's interests?" (college) "Okay, so you're not marrying her mom?" (right) "So you're going to want different things! If you marry Sara, that takes her little girl. Sara is a pawn between your interests, and her mom is trying to use her as a pawn in hers. It's a pride issue." We're all proud- my pastor is proud, you're proud, my dad is proud, the guy down the street is proud... but the goal is to become humble.

Anyways, again, I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I know that I will not learn to be a leader just by being a teenager all my life! I have to step up, and start trying. My mom, her mom, Sara, and Sara's dad all like the idea. So I suppose you see things differently than them.

Forgive me if I sounded proud in my post, but I assure you I approach this idea with meekness and fear- with the hopes of helping a few people grow, including myself. If nothing else, it'll show Sara's parents that I'm a lot different than they thought- perhaps even a potential husband.

Please forgive me for being prideful.

I am not perfect, but I do have the perfect tool...

Edited December 9, 2008 by pokemaughan

[pokemaughan]

If my young daughter's (I have three) boyfriend presumed to show me anything of spiritual truth, pointing to my behaviour, being a new believer and all, I would do everything in my power to dissuade my daughter to marry the bloke!

It is her parents' right and responsibility to handle her in any way they see fit, being a mere 17 years old.

You need to respect them and keep your nose out of their business. You are judging them spiritually and you have no right to at this point.

After all, men are the leaders, right?

Arrgh! A woman can teach you a thing or two--even Sara.

And what man is leading you in this?

Isn't it prideful to have the attitude- "How dare this boy tell me that I'm not acting how I should!"

Humble Christians are teachable- they want to learn!

But I want to make a point that I'm not just going to say "Okay Sara's mom, you're wrong because this and this and this"

Everybody liked the idea, including parents, girlfriend, and my counselor.

I want to assure you that I approach this to be a better tool for God, and a better leader, with meekness and fear. I know very well what 'my place' is. I am the lowest of low! Please forgive me for being prideful.

I will be praying about this, and it's good to know I have the perfect tool and perfect Father watching over me.

God bless you,

Mathew

Edited May 29, 2009 by pokemaughan

[Abigailwc]

Wow. There are some pretty harsh replies in this thread!

Maturity in Christ does not depend on how long someone has been a Christian. Thank God! Also, the Bible does mention that among brothers and sisters in Christ, we can admonish one another when needed. This is completely different from judging one another. Admonition brings to light ungodly behaviors for the sole purpose of helping other children of God to rectify it in order to grow in our Father's love and be receptive to His leading. If my conduct as a christian is ungodly and a brother/sister in Christ thirty years younger than me admonish me, I should thank him/her for the admonition and repent to God for my wrong doing. God hates pride.

Now, Pokemaughan, your marriage between you and Sarah needs to be approved by God. As you mentioned, yes, you need to pray about it and seek God's position in this situation. I would suggest that as long as you are not sure if it is God's plan for your life, you should wait. Also, you should wait if Sarah is not sure. If I were you, I would also ask my parents and Sarah's parents to pray about it. There is no need to rush. Your priority is to seek God and hear His approval.

Regarding Sarah's mom's threat. I would not worry about it. If your marriage with Sarah is part of God's plan, then the tuition will get paid one way or the other. Even if it is not easy, at least you are obeying God.

Regarding your sending emails, I would suggest that you do it for the sole purpose of edifying others and helping them to grow in the Lord. God will work on the hearts of those who will receive these messages.

Lastly, Pokemaughan, just ignore the bad attitudes, the threats, the harsh words, and the obstacles along the way, and bring everything to God in prayer. Put all your trust in Him and only Him. Keep your eyes on Jesus and be spiritually minded. God will reward you for your dedication, your seeking, your willingness to get closer to Him, to know Him more and more each day, and your obedience to Him.

God bless you!

[Trusting Jesus]

What does Sara want? It seems as if her wants are being bypassed. Does she want to go to college? Does she want to marry you? From other posts you have made it seems as if Sara does want to marry you and you have had a pretty good long dinstance relationship. I know it is difficult to wait upon the Lord, but maybe this is the important thing right now. Although 18 and 17 are very young ages to get married, I know a few people who were married much younger than you two and have very happy marriages. As has already been said, once you marry her you become responsible. Do you have a job? Enough to pay for her education? Could you wait to marry until she has finished college?

Again, what does Sara want? I hope her fellings are being considered by all involved. Keep praying and seeking God's will.

<>< ><>

Nathele

[pokemaughan]

What does Sara want? It seems as if her wants are being bypassed. Does she want to go to college? Does she want to marry you? From other posts you have made it seems as if Sara does want to marry you and you have had a pretty good long dinstance relationship. I know it is difficult to wait upon the Lord, but maybe this is the important thing right now. Although 18 and 17 are very young ages to get married, I know a few people who were married much younger than you two and have very happy marriages. As has already been said, once you marry her you become responsible. Do you have a job? Enough to pay for her education? Could you wait to marry until she has finished college?

Again, what does Sara want? I hope her fellings are being considered by all involved. Keep praying and seeking God's will.

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Nathele

Sara wants to marry me ASAP, or better put, as soon as we're both ready. She doesn't want to go to college, but her current view is that you cannot get a job to support yourself without a degree. It seems in her mind you can only work at McDonalds with a GED/High School Diploma. The reason she's so concerned about that is because she has Crohns disease, and fears that if she doesn't have a good job, she won't be taken care of.

I know one of the prongs of being a husband is being a financial provider for her- so I hope and pray that I can fulfill that a little sooner than college would allow.

Anyways, I'm very aware that God will only give me marriage on His clock, not mine. I'm not ready now, though I want to be.

But I must be patient and continue to grow...

[mead]

What does Sara want? It seems as if her wants are being bypassed. Does she want to go to college? Does she want to marry you? From other posts you have made it seems as if Sara does want to marry you and you have had a pretty good long dinstance relationship. I know it is difficult to wait upon the Lord, but maybe this is the important thing right now. Although 18 and 17 are very young ages to get married, I know a few people who were married much younger than you two and have very happy marriages. As has already been said, once you marry her you become responsible. Do you have a job? Enough to pay for her education? Could you wait to marry until she has finished college?

Again, what does Sara want? I hope her fellings are being considered by all involved. Keep praying and seeking God's will.

<>< ><>

Nathele

Sara wants to marry me ASAP, or better put, as soon as we're both ready. She doesn't want to go to college, but her current view is that you cannot get a job to support yourself without a degree. It seems in her mind you can only work at McDonalds with a GED/High School Diploma. The reason she's so concerned about that is because she has Crohns disease, and fears that if she doesn't have a good job, she won't be taken care of.

I know one of the prongs of being a husband is being a financial provider for her- so I hope and pray that I can fulfill that a little sooner than college would allow.

Anyways, I'm very aware that God will only give me marriage on His clock, not mine. I'm not ready now, though I want to be.

But I must be patient and continue to grow...

[Trusting Jesus]

OK, another question or two. What are your plans for a job? Do you work now? Or are you still in school? Before you marry do you plan to have a job to support Sara whether she can work or not? You both know that she has a physical problem, but that in itself isn't a big deal. Everyone has health issues -- if not know in the beginning of the marriage, they come later

I can understand Sara wanting to be able to support herself, but a college degree does not insure a good job - or a bad job, or any job. Do you spend time with her (in person and not through cyberspace) and with her parents? My daughter has a boyfriend who lives quite a ways from us and my husband and I have not met him. She keeps in contact through the email, but if he should want to marry her we would have plenty of reservations. We would want to get to know him, even though my daughter is 18 and considered an adult we still love her and care what she does. My husband and I simply have more life experience than she does and much more maturity in our walk with our Lord. I am sure you have grown much in the past few months, and will continue to grow - your posts show a real desire to serve Christ as best you can - but you will continue to grow and mature. I don't say this to discourage you. But if you spend time with her parents in person, they may feel more confident in their daughter marrying you.

Marriage is a wonderful way to spend a lifetime, and I hope that you and Sara will one day build a wonderful life together.

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Nathele

[pokemaughan]

OK, another question or two. What are your plans for a job? Do you work now? Or are you still in school? Before you marry do you plan to have a job to support Sara whether she can work or not? You both know that she has a physical problem, but that in itself isn't a big deal. Everyone has health issues -- if not know in the beginning of the marriage, they come later

I can understand Sara wanting to be able to support herself, but a college degree does not insure a good job - or a bad job, or any job. Do you spend time with her (in person and not through cyberspace) and with her parents? My daughter has a boyfriend who lives quite a ways from us and my husband and I have not met him. She keeps in contact through the email, but if he should want to marry her we would have plenty of reservations. We would want to get to know him, even though my daughter is 18 and considered an adult we still love her and care what she does. My husband and I simply have more life experience than she does and much more maturity in our walk with our Lord. I am sure you have grown much in the past few months, and will continue to grow - your posts show a real desire to serve Christ as best you can - but you will continue to grow and mature. I don't say this to discourage you. But if you spend time with her parents in person, they may feel more confident in their daughter marrying you.

Marriage is a wonderful way to spend a lifetime, and I hope that you and Sara will one day build a wonderful life together.

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Nathele

My plans right now are to stick with my current job for at least a year or so, so I have a solid work history to go off of. The job I'm at now is by no means a way to support myself, nonetheless a wife But thankfully, I live with my mother and she is kind enough to let me pay only a small bit ($200 a month) for rent. After I get through a year at this job, the plan will either be a) Look for a better job b) Go to community college then look for better job

We do live quite a bit apart (a couple states), and only recently, due to my job, has visitation in person been a more frequent possibility. Her parents don't know me well, but they aren't opposed to me by any means, as far as I know. I generally talk to Sara on the phone every night, and usually chat here and there (so I don't waste minutes and cost my mother $300 extra on a phone bill ) I will actually be visiting her this coming 30th, to the 4th. Pretty excited, of course.

I am more than aware that I have a ways to go before I'm ready for marriage, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't start preparing 1-2 years in advance. I know I won't just magically 'become' a leader when I turn 20 or some nonsense, nor will I learn and grow in my walk with the Lord. It's gonna require some work on my part.

I really appreciate the advice and concern for my situation; it really means a lot when a wiser person kneels down to give me some pointers.

[Iryssa]

I just have one or two things to add:

Sara wants to marry me ASAP, or better put, as soon as we're both ready. She doesn't want to go to college, but her current view is that you cannot get a job to support yourself without a degree. It seems in her mind you can only work at McDonalds with a GED/High School Diploma.

With the current economic crisis, it is important to realize that she might not be far off in her asessment. On the other hand, T.J. has a good point: that degree is not a guarantee either. I guess I'm saying you should be prepared for the possibility that good jobs may be quite scarce in the near future...but if you feel God leading you to do something (get married, move to another state, apply for a certain job, etc.) trust in Him!

I know I won't just magically 'become' a leader when I turn 20 or some nonsense, nor will I learn and grow in my walk with the Lord. It's gonna require some work on my part.

I think this is a wise statment. Whatever people think of you and/or people your age, I do think it's great that you realize this and are grabbing the bull by the horns, so to speak.