Depression?

[kittylover0991]

I'm humbled to come here today with even the thought...

I was talking to someone kind of close to me (she is a mentor but we don't talk much ) and when I was on the phone crying, she asked me if I was dealing with any sort of depression... I know it was the Holy Spirit because there were things that she had asked me or brought up not knowing anything about what was going on. I told her that one situation got better and then the other half of my life fell apart, and she said she was going to send me something on forgiveness... I love how God works, but she also asked me about depression.

It is something that I have looked at with a friend at the beginning of last summer, but ended up not doing anything about it, learning to walk with the Lord and live in his love, joy and peace... learning to yeild to the Holy Spirit.

But this semester has been a mess... worse than a mess. As I was saying above, a part of my life got better and then the other half fell apart. The first part was awful... there was a week where it felt like I had just hurt everyone around me and ruined any relationship with them. All I could do was read and pray... In four days I had read Matthew, Mark, and half of Luke on top of studying for midterms. I found myself forcing myself to pray for hours at a time, not knowing what else to do. Then, things snapped at got EVEN worse. I got the phone conversation that broke the camel's back and I just kept saying to myself "I can't anymore!!!".... Then I went to go back and fall onto my dorm bed but slammed the back of my head on the metal bar across the top. It hurt SOO bad.... I still wonder if I didn't get a mild concusion.... But I couldnt' take anymore. It was 8 minutes before curfew, and I ran out to my friend's dorm, pulled her out into the stairwell, and cried so much, and so hard... there are few times when I can say it hurt to cry because the pain was so deep, and that was one of those times.... So broken....

Then, because I tried to do what I thought was right in that sitaution, the other part of my life fell apart when this part came back together.... but I couldn't handle it. I decided to live in that bliss, that peace that we have when we know that we are doing what God wants us to do... my life moved on, officially courting with the man of my dreams, and I just hoped that the other half would come together, that the fellowship and friendship that was so near and dear to my heart would be restored, but it never was.... I got away from reading, and I got even moreso away from prayer.... I failed over and over again and rarely had victory over the sin in my life. Bitterness grew and boiled in my heart... eating me away day by day. By the end of the semester finally, I was reminded of how to ask the Holy Spirit how I should respond to situations... I learned all over again how to the hear the Holy Spirit's voice... I dived head first into my RU stuff, anything to help... got back into reading three times a day as I knew that *I* needed spiritually.. got back into prayer, talking to God and allowing Him to talk to me... EVEN SAW A SOUL SAVED!!!.... but I went into the hospital for a few days because of MRSA and did okay but started slipping... Tried to keep it together, but the second side of my life, something that goes so deep was wavering....

It had a chance of getting better and then it was just crushed... many parties involved in this, but for me, there is unforgivness, there is such deep hurt that I can't handle it anymore, there is such bitterness.... but my spirit is crying... seemingly dying... I know that our spirit can't die.... but there is such distance between me and God... there is such hurt that it's between me and Him... there is lack of trust.... I want my life back but it's never going to come back again and it hurts so bad... I lost the thing most precious to me......

I wander around aimlessly through the day it seems. I sit on the computers for hours now fighting whether or not to read because I wonder "what's the point?" I keep failing and I'm afraid I will never be as strong as I once was spiritually. I have suicidal thoughts so much in the past year but not recently and so thankful for that... Those come when it seems I am ruining the lives of those around me... when it seems all I can do is hurt them and theres nothing I can but make it worse. Then when I realize how much I am failing God and may never get any better... it hurts more....

I don't know what to do... this can't be me.... becoming cold to the Holy Spirit, the bitterness that is still growing, being eaten apart by anger and hurt.... I need help.....

Is this depression??? Me???? .....

Crys

[Believer1997]

It seems you have a lot on you right now and are anguish. Please go to the doctor and get a check-up - they may recommend you speak with a counselor who can help you work through some of this pain you are in. First thing - see a professional and get a good check up to rule out something physical. Everyone gets depressed sometimes and we must pray and take some positive action to get to the root of the problem and address it before it goes further.

I'm praying for you now, Chrys. God Loves You, honey.

2 Peter 1:2

Grace and peace be yours in abundance through the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord.

Psalm 91:5

You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

[Miss Elly]

I'm humbled to come here today with even the thought...

I was talking to someone kind of close to me (she is a mentor but we don't talk much ) and when I was on the phone crying, she asked me if I was dealing with any sort of depression... I know it was the Holy Spirit because there were things that she had asked me or brought up not knowing anything about what was going on. I told her that one situation got better and then the other half of my life fell apart, and she said she was going to send me something on forgiveness... I love how God works, but she also asked me about depression.

It is something that I have looked at with a friend at the beginning of last summer, but ended up not doing anything about it, learning to walk with the Lord and live in his love, joy and peace... learning to yeild to the Holy Spirit.

But this semester has been a mess... worse than a mess. As I was saying above, a part of my life got better and then the other half fell apart. The first part was awful... there was a week where it felt like I had just hurt everyone around me and ruined any relationship with them. All I could do was read and pray... In four days I had read Matthew, Mark, and half of Luke on top of studying for midterms. I found myself forcing myself to pray for hours at a time, not knowing what else to do. Then, things snapped at got EVEN worse. I got the phone conversation that broke the camel's back and I just kept saying to myself "I can't anymore!!!".... Then I went to go back and fall onto my dorm bed but slammed the back of my head on the metal bar across the top. It hurt SOO bad.... I still wonder if I didn't get a mild concusion.... But I couldnt' take anymore. It was 8 minutes before curfew, and I ran out to my friend's dorm, pulled her out into the stairwell, and cried so much, and so hard... there are few times when I can say it hurt to cry because the pain was so deep, and that was one of those times.... So broken....

Then, because I tried to do what I thought was right in that sitaution, the other part of my life fell apart when this part came back together.... but I couldn't handle it. I decided to live in that bliss, that peace that we have when we know that we are doing what God wants us to do... my life moved on, officially courting with the man of my dreams, and I just hoped that the other half would come together, that the fellowship and friendship that was so near and dear to my heart would be restored, but it never was.... I got away from reading, and I got even moreso away from prayer.... I failed over and over again and rarely had victory over the sin in my life. Bitterness grew and boiled in my heart... eating me away day by day. By the end of the semester finally, I was reminded of how to ask the Holy Spirit how I should respond to situations... I learned all over again how to the hear the Holy Spirit's voice... I dived head first into my RU stuff, anything to help... got back into reading three times a day as I knew that *I* needed spiritually.. got back into prayer, talking to God and allowing Him to talk to me... EVEN SAW A SOUL SAVED!!!.... but I went into the hospital for a few days because of MRSA and did okay but started slipping... Tried to keep it together, but the second side of my life, something that goes so deep was wavering....

It had a chance of getting better and then it was just crushed... many parties involved in this, but for me, there is unforgivness, there is such deep hurt that I can't handle it anymore, there is such bitterness.... but my spirit is crying... seemingly dying... I know that our spirit can't die.... but there is such distance between me and God... there is such hurt that it's between me and Him... there is lack of trust.... I want my life back but it's never going to come back again and it hurts so bad... I lost the thing most precious to me......

I wander around aimlessly through the day it seems. I sit on the computers for hours now fighting whether or not to read because I wonder "what's the point?" I keep failing and I'm afraid I will never be as strong as I once was spiritually. I have suicidal thoughts so much in the past year but not recently and so thankful for that... Those come when it seems I am ruining the lives of those around me... when it seems all I can do is hurt them and theres nothing I can but make it worse. Then when I realize how much I am failing God and may never get any better... it hurts more....

I don't know what to do... this can't be me.... becoming cold to the Holy Spirit, the bitterness that is still growing, being eaten apart by anger and hurt.... I need help.....

Is this depression??? Me???? .....

Crys

It may be bi-polar, but the symptoms sound like severe depression to me, I've been through depression. You can run your body down physically by so much emotion and crying as well. God will never let go of you, he still loves you no matter what Confess your sins if you have any to confess. You do need help, please go and see a good doctor for a diagnosis. These guilt feelings are not from God, he loves you like a father, even if you think you have "let him down". So what if you have bitterness, all of us have had it before. God understands. Just tell him how you feel....God I feel bitterness, I feel a coldness, please help me not to feel this way. Right now you need the comfort, peace and love from Jesus. Say Jesus, I accept the things I need from you. Remember, God will not stop loving you. Lord, we pray for a miracle and that the crooked way will be made straight! Satan, you will not destroy this little lamb of Jesus!!!! Am praying for you. Love and hugs.

[nebula]

Hey Crys

I'm not sure I'm interpeting this correctly, but I think you are saying there is unforgiveness that you can't overcome and that you feel betrayed by God? Am I getting this right?

I went through a struggle where I felt betrayed by God, too, and I came very close to chosing to walk away from Him. But then I considered where I would go from the Lord . . . and where could I go? Was there anything that could compare to the presence of the Lord? I never did figure out what the Lord was doing, or why He did what He did - or did not do - but the words Peter spoke became so real to me, "Lord, to whom can we go?...." Better to be a rag doll in the house of the Lord than to be a diva in the house of the wicked.

I don't know if that offers you any hope or not, I pray it does.

As for the unforgiveness, if it helps, forgiveness isn't about not hurting anymore, not feeling angry anymore. It is releasing them from personal retribution and releasing them to the hand of the Lord to deal with. The best way to start is to pray for the person whenever you think about him/her - salvation if the person is unsaved, healing if they are sick, a heart after God, etc. Don't think your emotions have to line up with your prayer in order for it to matter, just speak the words of life for starters - even if just one phrase of a prayer.

Can you do this?

[Guest]

.... I wander around aimlessly through the day it seems. I sit on the computers for hours now fighting whether or not to read because I wonder "what's the point?" I keep failing and I'm afraid I will never be as strong as I once was spiritually....

Dear One You Are So Esteemed

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father."

Romans 8:15

And Loved

"The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."

Jeremiah 31:3

Lean On Jesus

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

And Be Blessed Beloved Daughter Of The KING

"Rejoice evermore.

Pray without ceasing.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16:18

Love, Your Brother Joe

Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come. Psalms 71:18

[kittylover0991]

Thank you everyone... .

Hey Crys

I'm not sure I'm interpeting this correctly, but I think you are saying there is unforgiveness that you can't overcome and that you feel betrayed by God? Am I getting this right?

I went through a struggle where I felt betrayed by God, too, and I came very close to chosing to walk away from Him. But then I considered where I would go from the Lord . . . and where could I go? Was there anything that could compare to the presence of the Lord? I never did figure out what the Lord was doing, or why He did what He did - or did not do - but the words Peter spoke became so real to me, "Lord, to whom can we go?...." Better to be a rag doll in the house of the Lord than to be a diva in the house of the wicked.

I don't know if that offers you any hope or not, I pray it does.

As for the unforgiveness, if it helps, forgiveness isn't about not hurting anymore, not feeling angry anymore. It is releasing them from personal retribution and releasing them to the hand of the Lord to deal with. The best way to start is to pray for the person whenever you think about him/her - salvation if the person is unsaved, healing if they are sick, a heart after God, etc. Don't think your emotions have to line up with your prayer in order for it to matter, just speak the words of life for starters - even if just one phrase of a prayer.

Can you do this?

This really helps... I can do that... it's just going to be tough for a while...

[kittylover0991]

.... I wander around aimlessly through the day it seems. I sit on the computers for hours now fighting whether or not to read because I wonder "what's the point?" I keep failing and I'm afraid I will never be as strong as I once was spiritually....

Dear One You Are So Esteemed

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father."

Romans 8:15

And Loved

"The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."

Jeremiah 31:3

Lean On Jesus

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Proverbs 3:5-6

And Be Blessed Beloved Daughter Of The KING

"Rejoice evermore.

Pray without ceasing.

In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

1 Thessalonians 5:16:18

Love, Your Brother Joe

Now also when I am old and grayheaded, O God, forsake me not; until I have shewed thy strength unto this generation, and thy power to every one that is to come. Psalms 71:18

I really really needed those verses... thank you... <debating printing them out and keeping them with me>

[J Dee]

Hi

God doesn't feel ticked of with us when we make mistakes, The worst He will do is leave us to get a feel of the consequences of our decisions.

We as Children of God are forever weighing ourselves on the scales of "failure "instead of "learning"

I myself are suffering from major depression, I fight it every morning when I wake up! For years now. And let me tell you a little secret. Every morning I beat the living daylights out of this thing!!! Every morning it is back for more punishment! So I let it have it.

Don't give up.

Use it to learn from God. If you ask Him He will show you what is happening in your soul - IT IS GROWING - BIG TIME.

Here is a piece of scripture that helps me through this whole thing.

Read it carefully and let it grow on you soul till you understand the power of it completely.

Rom 5:3 -5 .. Not only this, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering works perseverance;

and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope: and hope doesn't disappoint us,

because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to

us. ......................

Suffering comes in many different packaging - feeling far from God is one!

God is not gone, you are just trying to hard. Relax and enjoy God, He said "Iwill never leaveyou nor forsake you"

learn from your suffering to "perservere" and the "character of Jesus" will cover you and you will find new hope that will NEVER leaves you

You are not alone

[kittylover0991]

**update**

I want to thank you all for your responses. They really did help and many of them were so encouraging...

I still having a hard time with the idea of getting medical help or the idea of going to counseling, but I talked to my RU (Reformers Unanimous) director who is also a doctor and he recommended a particular book. He said it would answer a lot of my questions. It is said to be scienfically and biblically sound, and so far, it is really good. I've only read like 25pgs in it, but I read that all at once while waiting to head out for the bus.

The days are kind of up and down now that I'm at school. Been working on being more consistent in Bible Reading and prayer, and doing better with the strongholds in my life (victory to a much farther extent than before). I'm missing how my spiritual life used to be, I'm missing the joy that I used to have. The Lord has given me peace about the situation back home that I think I described above, but I got my eyes back on it last night so working through that a bit again. It's not as bad as it had been... I'm struggling with being called "shallow" spiritually... I know my bf isn't going anywhere, but I know what I would look for a future mate and it's not me.... there's a fear there though I know he's not going anywhere....

Just trying to learn to trust the Lord... I typically wake up in that sort of depressed mood, which seems strange, but reading and prayer always help. That started around the beginning of last summer but I learned that Reading and Prayer was typically the key. I'm longing for that relationship with the Lord I used to have... that fellowship.... Could use your continued prayers.

Crys

[Permie]

Hello Dear Kittylover,

I too have battled with depression and bitterness.... I think I will just ramble and hope it all makes sense....

When it finally dawned on me that I was bitter, I didn't even know what to do about it except pray.

What came to me that helped me were the verses that tell us to take all thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ.

With this bible verse, I was then able to repent of the bitterness by being very careful of my thoughts.... resentments come up so easily; afterall, that is how bitterness reveals it's self. As soon as I noticed a resentment rising I would also employ the instruction of this verse:

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8

Sometimes I would have to start with something true that was basic and saying it out loud: Jesus loves me. God is good. ~ And as I went along saying these things and more regarding God (which is actually praising God) each next praise came easier to think of and before I knew it, I didn't have the resentment anymore. Then, when that happens how can we not then go on to say: Praise God?

Answers can come in these moments too.

Not only that, but that is how we keep our eyes on Jesus.

Adore God's majesty when faced with those thoughts that bring resentment and hurt.

I hope that this has been of help. It made a world of difference for me.

With the love of Christ,

Permie