Thoughts from Midnight

[apothanein kerdos]

I've come to the conclusion that when people are deprived of love at an early age, they react one of two ways: desperate pursuit of it or isolation from it.

Desperate pursuit of it:

I remember once during a trip to Mexico City, my friends and I ran across some starving dogs. I mean, these dogs were down to the bone. Well, we had bought some food that just...wasn't the best. It was so bad that we went without eating because we couldn't stand the taste, or the smell of it. So we threw it to the dogs and watched them fight over it, and fight over it, and fight over it...at the time (I was 14, so young, stupid, and immature) it was funny. Reflecting back on it though, it reminds me of a Proverb:

"A sated man loathes honey, but to a famished man any bitter thing is sweet." (27:7)

In a way, it's like a lot of guys and girls I know. I worked with youth (taking a break), yet a lot of those kids were in desperate search for love. They would take whatever was thrown in front of them. I'd watch girls get abused by a guy, yet because he offered some form of love in their opinion, they ate it up. No matter how bitter it was, they would still eat it all up. The woman at the well had expirienced bitter love. Yet in just a small encounter with jesus, she finally discovered true love. This song by Pedro the Lion really sums it up:

if you could really see

then you would ask of me

she knew the well was far too deep

for him to wet his lips

but something told her that he spoke

of so much more than all of this

when he spoke she wanted to believe

the things he said

but who could this man be

that she might never thirst again

her heart raced

could he be the one we've waited for

the one we've waited for

Abandoned Love:

Every once and a while there's a special on TV that talks about Romanian orphanages. To give you a picture of what it's like, it's basically hell on earth. These kids are dropped off at the orphanage and left to be. There are too many kids and too little workers. The babies are left with bottles at an early age to learn to feed themselves. They cry and cry to begin with, but eventually stop crying, knowing that no one will help them. These kids grow up without a physical touch and learn to rely soley on themselves. When they're adopted, they do not only not know how to recieve love, but they reject it. The parents adopting have to hold the child while the child kicks and screams. In one segment, the father held onto this child while the child kicked and screamed and yelled. He clawed at the father to the point the father began to bleed. The father was crying but still held onto the child lovingly, showing the child love. Eventually the child calmed down, rested his head on the adopted father's shoulder, and fell asleep. The child had learned to accept love.

Some of us are that way, or we know people that way. They have grown up literal orphans or spiritual orphans who have not known love. Instead of seeking out love, they fear being abandoned again. Like the Romanian baby fears to cry knowing no one will come to his rescue, these people fear loving again knowing that it could not happen. When they encounter love, they do not know how to take it. They fight it, they reject it...yet we should still love them no matter what. We should love them until they are broken and learn to accept love.

So which type are you? Are you desperately in search of love, taking even the bitter types of love in order to just get a feeling of it? Or are you rejecting God's love? Are you fighting against it? Are you the Romanian orphan in the arms of the Father? Whichever you are, remember this:

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are." 1 John 3:1a

[Kabowd]

...Some of us are that way, or we know people that way. They have grown up literal orphans or spiritual orphans who have not known love. Instead of seeking out love, they fear being abandoned again. Like the Romanian baby fears to cry knowing no one will come to his rescue, these people fear loving again knowing that it could not happen. When they encounter love, they do not know how to take it. They fight it, they reject it...yet we should still love them no matter what. We should love them until they are broken and learn to accept love.

So which type are you? Are you desperately in search of love, taking even the bitter types of love in order to just get a feeling of it? Or are you rejecting God's love? Are you fighting against it? Are you the Romanian orphan in the arms of the Father? Whichever you are, remember this:

"See how great a love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called children of God; and such we are." 1 John 3:1a

Holy ravioli...this is by far one of the most amazing posts I've ever read. Tears are streaming down my face as I type. I don't even know where to begin....

I don't want to draw attention away from your amazing topic by talking about me, but I just..I know I need to share...I'm the orphan. I'm the orphan kicking and screaming and rejecting love because I don't know how to receive it.

To those of you who don't know my story, I literally am an orphan. My dad passed away when I was a baby, and I lost my mom to cancer when I was 6. Now...I'm not saying that I grew up without love at all. My brother has raised me, shown me deep love and has never rejected me...but in spite of that, I've struggled all of my life with abandonment issues. Gah..I'm getting more personal than I intended...sorry.

Anyway, long story short...I haven't overcome this yet (obviously). I'm even struggling with knowing how to receive all the love, encouragement, grace and comfort I've received on this very board. I have been overwhelmed by the many ppl who have sought to show me kindness and love...truly overwhelmed. I just...don't know what to say. But what did I do? I ran away...and I'm still tempted to...in my mind, I'd rather turn away from love...than have love turn away from me. I'd rather be the one to abandon it, than be the one abandoned. I know..I'm messed up. I'm just an emotional wreck right now..I know God is trying to break through to me...I know He wants me to allow those in His body to be His hands and feet to me, but it's really hard. I actually can't believe I'm opening up like this right now. My friends would be shocked.

All of that said, I just..don't know what to do. I want to stay here and experience the love and support that you all share, but I'm still afraid. Inside I'm still like the Romanian orphan pushing it all away...and I don't want to be hurt anymore. I hope I'm making sense. Blah...

Thank you Joel (Super Jew), you have been an amazing friend to me and you have refused to let me resist God's love for me. No matter how much I fight it (even fight you..lol), you show me His love is more stubborn than I am. Thank you so much...

~Tessie

[Wix]

So which type are you? Are you desperately in search of love, taking even the bitter types of love in order to just get a feeling of it? Or are you rejecting God's love? Are you fighting against it?

What if you don't love at all?

[apothanein kerdos]

So which type are you? Are you desperately in search of love, taking even the bitter types of love in order to just get a feeling of it? Or are you rejecting God's love? Are you fighting against it?

What if you don't love at all?

That would mean you're fighting love.

[Wix]

That would mean you're fighting love.

If you just don't feel it, there is no struggle. Some people just don't feel it.

[ayin jade]

Hi Wix,

Are you just refering to love of God? Or love of anyone? Is it possible you have just built up too many walls so you dont feel it?

[Wix]

Hi Wix,

Are you just refering to love of God? Or love of anyone? Is it possible you have just built up too many walls so you dont feel it?

I'm not refering to myself specifically, but more of a general question; that's all.

[Orr v'emet]

Hi Wix,

Are you just refering to love of God? Or love of anyone? Is it possible you have just built up too many walls so you dont feel it?

I was wondering the same thing. In my experience, all you have to do is pray with a sincere heart that God will break down the walls and He will. :il:

[Kabowd]

This was an amazing topic, didn't want to see it get lost....

[WayneB]

Tess,

I know it was hard to write what you did but I for one was very moved by your witness. Thank you sister. So many of us take sooooo much for granted. We sometimes fail to see God's hands working in our life leading us into a closer relationship with HIM.

SuperJew,

I found your post insightful. Obviously, you have a lot of first hand experience with abandoned & abused youth. Do all of them fit in either one of the two extremes? I recognize both extremes; it explains why too many women remain in abusive relationships and too many men reject any expression of love. Many of the reasons can be traced to a troubled childhood.

Regarding my experience with male inmates, I will testify that once they taste the Love of GOD, they become so hungry for affection that they become like that small child...just wanting to be hugged and held at every opportunity.

Be Blessed,

Wayne